Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I'm a mature student and I graduated last week. Felt a real wave of emotions on the day and was teary in the morning, although not sure why. I went to the ceremony but left as soon as possible afterwards. Some people love it and some hate it, I think either is ok. I adored doing my degree but I didn't enjoy the ceremony at all. Maybe ask if she wants to do something a bit more low key to celebrate soon, lunch on a different day maybe?

Making the best of your graduation day by focusing on your actual real-life achievements is not “faking” anything. Putting it out of your mind to focus on your nice plans for the day with those you invited is not “faking” anything. A grown-up might, at dinner, say “I’m just so disappointed about the job rejection” and her parents could have said “I know, but you’ve done so well and got your special award. Someone will hire you. We’ll be here either way.” Not trying to put words in anyone’s mouth, but that’s a grown up and authentic way of dealing with it without being fake.

Wallowing in the one disappointment you have experienced and sulking and making your parents drive home and presumably foregoing the expense for hotel they had already paid for is not “authentic”. It’s immature.

Anyway, you seem to have quite a chip on your shoulder about this so it seems there is no point in discussing it with you really

edited for clarity

You’re ignoring the other wealth of emotions that come alone with this phase of life.

It's funny that lots of poster are criticising the daughter for letting something upset her and spoil her day... Without pointing out to the OP that she let something upset her and spoil her day.

I don't think that parents who haven't invested time and money at supporting their offspring are necessarily miserable. Maybe they can't.

tbh one of my DC is prone to moody behaviour and it brings any gathering down when they are like that.

This week we all went for a meal (DC have left home) but this one was in a strop about something. So the choice was given: you can stay with us but stop being a pratt, or you can go home and we'll see you another time. They went home, the rest of us had a fun evening.

Stop it with the "grown up " shit, kid does not have the emotional maturity that you have! she is 21 but still just starting to experience life, the presure we put on kids nowadays to "just get on with it" is why so many end up with mental health problems, because theyare forced to suppress their feelings tonit ruin someone else's day!

Honestly, I am with you here.

She treated you like crap and she needs to be told that. It isn't acceptable behaviour.

I presume too that you and DH have helped support her financially and otherwise through her degree, which makes it even more unacceptable. Ungrateful even, although she probably isn't viewing it that way just yet as she is so focused on the job rejection.

I get that job rejections are horrible and disillusioning. I've more than enough personal experience there, as have many of us on here. It's OK to feel frustrated and sad. It's not at all OK to take it out on the people around you who have been your support network and have come to celebrate a major success (graduation) in your life with you. She should have been mature enough to at least try to put it aside for a few hours and at least be nice to her family. She didn't do that and needs to learn it because I'm afraid this is life.

She probably does need help and support, which I am sure you will provide, but you can say "stop speaking to me like that and treating me so rudely. I am trying to support you as much as possible and always have."

I know it's very hard for graduates now. Many end up unemployed or just having to take any job they can get to support themselves and begin paying off student overdrafts. My DD had kept the part time job she used to have in sixth form and had to stay with it for a good while. She also had a second job as bar work at a local pub for a while too. She does now have a better paying job, but still not in a field she really wants although a year later now and she is still applying as much as she can when something does arise.

I can absolutely see why some (many?) new graduates feel that they have been sold a pup when it proves impossible to get work in their chosen field. However, that still doesn't excuse your DD's behaviour and you should find a way to tell her so when the dust has settled a bit. I think she does owe you an apology.

House prices are also falling. And you're talking to someone who graduated into one of the biggest economic crises of the past 50 years, more catastrophic than today with lots of headlines about hopelessness and bleak futures etc. Look, just don't believe everything the newspapers tell you. People always think they have it worse than anyone has ever had it. Every generation does it. In 20 years, young people will be telling the OP's DD how easy she had it.

It is completely disrespectful, ungrateful and brattish. I do absolutely sympathise that she was disappointed over the job, but talk about an over-reaction. I suspect there's more going on under the surface that's thrown her off kilter ( supposing she doesn't normally react like this.) Lots of love, affirmation and reminders of boundaries over the next few days.

I am sorry, I haven’t read the rest of the thread after the OPs last post so several people may have already said this.
Tell her. She needs to hear from you and her dad that she is rude.
She really needs to learn that it’s not ok to treat your parents (or anyone else) like shit when things don’t go your own way.
Obviously she is in prime “it’s all about me” territory at her age, but the sooner she learns that other people have feelings and can be hurt by her behaviour, the better

Yes, seriously. Few people are emotionally mature at 21 (I wasn't and made plenty of mistakes). Many young people are impulsive and reactive without fully understanding situations or how they affect other people, specially their parents. It's a very selfish "me" age that parents need to navigate with a healthy dose of patience, eye rolling (without the kids seeing it), and a quiet chat addressing the issues important to them.

I think OP is not just disappointed for herself but her daughter too who has tainted a once in a lifetime occasion by basically being a bit of a brat. But that's on the daughter who will hopefully mature, go on to have a brilliant career and look back with some regret at her performance on that day. What's done is done but it is a shame.

I hated my graduation and refused to have any photos taken etc. I did the bare minimum I could at the ceremony. My mum and dad were upset but my rationale was that I didn't deserve the degree and didn't want photos reminding me. I don't even know where the certificate is.

I studied Physics at Southampton and developed a severe alcohol problem in year 1 / 2. By year 4 I barely attended lectures and my final year project was a complete mess. I managed to bluff my way through and somehow managed to get a good degree, but it was not deserved and not something I could celebrate.

I am sober now and regret how much time I wasted at university - but not how I behaved at the graduation.

This was first of a hundred rejections. She really needs to pull her self together. It can easily be over a year and hundreds of applications before she finds something.

I think it is a shame she ruined her own day. Would have been nice to havw some pictures to look back on, for her sake.

I would talk with her. Not that she ruined your day etc. But how she will get a lot of rejections and she can't let that ruin her day for herself.

It's very bratty and childish behaviour. Yes, she might have been disappointed with the job rejection but it's not the only job rejection she will ever have. Graduations are a beautiful celebration of the hardwork and progress achieved through the degree for the student and the family. To completely forget that and be so rude is unacceptable. You need to sit down and help her understand that at times, maturity is essential.

What a shame, for all of you. She’ll come to regret behaving like a toddler. It’s she that has missed out the most. We went for fancy family meals with ours after the ceremonies (and photos), but they were champing at the bit to get to the proper partying with their mates - which went on for days.

And I hope she apologises to you - she definitely owes you one. Yes, it’s their day but it’s us parents that have paid for it and supported them in every possible way. We deserve to enjoy the celebrations too.

She has missed out on a job and yes job rejections happen, but maybe this was one she really wanted. Whatever her first job is could effect her whole career (mine did in a positive way). So I really feel for her. It is normal human response to go through the 'grief curve' when having upsetting news, and even more upsetting to find out on your graduation day, when everyone is probably talking about what they are doing next.
The graduation is only really a day, whereas a job could be start of career or opportunity to move to interesting places and so much more. So I really really feel for her and really hope she finds some great. That it means some to her is a good start and employers appreciate that.

Devastated seems the wrong word. Job rejections are just par for the course after graduation. I sympathise that the DD wasn’t in the best mood, but ideally she would have made a bit more effort
for everyone’s sake.

Still OP, I was so jaded after the whole university experience that I didn’t even attend any graduation ceremony. My DM has complained briefly about it and I don’t blame her. I see now that it was selfish but at the time I was in grip of other negative attitudes. I definitely regret that and mostly for my DM’s sake though mine too I guess.

In the scheme of things it’s minor so I would grumble a tiny bit then move on, and if it turns out to be part of a wider pattern of behaviour then you can rethink whether that needs addressing. Your DD perhaps needs to work on resilience and perspective.

Not the point at all, I know, but the ‘special award’ mention’ comes across as sooo twee and patronising. I would be gritting my teeth if someone had said that to me - even now!

your daughters behaviour was not ok. You went to a lot of effort for her - booking and paying for hotel etc she should have shown some acknowledgment and appreciation of this. She is not 15, she’s an adult.

That nice meal you were going to go to OP - you should do it, just you and your husband. Have some cocktails etc and let your hair down, you deserve it.

I see some posters are determined to paint me as some sort of monster strutting about in my finery and hectoring dd to buck up, when all she wanted was a low-key acceptance of a meaningless certificate with possibly dh and I - an aged and out-of-touch couple of unempathetic boors - not even in attendance.

I don’t know how to answer really…

They’re not falling by much. And, of course, it would be a huge problem for the economy if they fell in any impactful way, so the government will be doing everything they can to make sure they don’t fall. I’m sure you don’t want your house price to fall, do you?

@DrudgeyPants

Have people actually commented on what you were wearing, Op??

I know what you mean but it might be how the OP chose to nickname it here rather than whatever official name it has at the uni (hopefully not special award 😂)