Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

Okay then, it must be true. 😂

“The situation is not nearly as dire as you paint it”

That’s very encouraging. Be good to find out what makes you say that, as it looks like a pretty bleak picture to me?

Have a cup of tea and take a deep breath, you are not a narc parent. You are a caring mother who worry, overthink stuff and got hugely disappointed when your daughter's graduation expectation, didn't match reality. We've all been there.

Your DD is still very young and unable to control her emotions. She received a job rejection the same day of her graduation, and expressed her feelings by throwing her toys out of the pram like a toddler having a tanty.

Her feelings are NOT yours or your DH. What's important to her is NOT what's important to you both. She wasn't disrespectful or a brat, she couldn't deal with her dismay receiving the news.

Let her be a couple of days and address the problem at the source, "I know you were hurt not getting the job. Can I help in any way?"

They tried to support her by expecting her to feign happiness

House prices are now upwards of ten times the average wage. Interest rates are spiralling out of control. We’re in the middle of a cost of living crisis. Graduate roles are all but non existent due to offshoring the work.

But everything is fine!

It’s because she loves you both so much that she acted out. You are literally the safest place to vent to (horrible though it was for you).

her graduation is about HER, she has to live with being a daft cunt for the day. She doesn’t yet have the emotional maturity to cope with rejection.

very sorry for you but if this continues to happen at important events that are not about her you just get the fuck on with enjoying yourself. So if she fucks up Christmas you ignore her and get on with enjoying it for you.

she will eventually grow out of this. It’s a hard time as her whole life is over, the last 5 years of study will feel like her whole life. And she has no fucking clue what comes next so everything is a catastrophe.

I'm sorry you had a crap day.

Parents who support their children through GCSE, A levels, a degree, are not unreasonable to want a photo and a meal.

I do remember how hard job rejections were in my 20s but I wouldn't have dared behave like that - my parents would have been incandescent! (and maybe reminded me of what I had that they didn't at 21?)

I suggest making a PPT or collage or album of the nice times you've had with DD to look at, at these times. It's a tip I saw in a book and it really works for me with my moody dramatic child.

When she has cheered up you can get a photo taken. Tell her a degree is a big achievement and you'd like to document it.

Sorry, but OP's DD behaved terribly, and maybe something of her flakiness came through in her job application/interview. She needs to grow up fast if she expects someone to give her a job.

It doesn't matter how hard things are for Gen Z at the moment (and it is pretty tough, DS is a recent graduate) she owes her parents a big apology.

Yeah or could be that she has no respect for them which is the case with most people who 'act out' around loved ones. They know they won't get the pushback they would from others and use them as a punchbag. Nothing to do with love - if she respected them, she'd realise that they had spent a lot of money on coming to her graduation.

Hopefully your daughter will eventually develop a bit of resilience to help her handle bad news and also realise how her behaviour impacts others.

My 26 year old plumber this morning was discussing renting out his house, he’s owned it for 2 years now and has a lot of steady work ( he’s friends with my 2 DCs) mine have not bought a house but are in steady graduate jobs . It’s not all doom and gloom at that age .

And I agree she should apologise.

In work she will sometimes mess up and need to apologise.

Yup. This.

Life is full of rejection. I’ve been rejected from seven jobs in the last month, it’s life. I’m 28 so probably not far off of your daughter’s age (or so I still like to think 🤣). She is in for a very very difficult life if she doesn’t learn to manage her reactions when she isn’t successful at something.

I think the end of uni and the transition to the adult world is a really tricky one and the performative element of graduation ceremonies can also be difficult if you’re feeling ambivalent. I’m 58 but I still rethe panicky feeling of my time at uni and my lack of direction. The whole photo thing is also a bit tacky imo. I have three DCs and the older two chose not to go to their ceremonies for different reasons.

They really are. Ages sitting around for the sake of two minutes when your child receives her diploma, shakes someone's hand and buggers off. Admittedly if there is some sort of party afterwards that ameliorates it, but generally parents will know no-one else except their child and maybe one or two of her friends who will be busy with their own families.

@Alondra “Can I help in any way?” Seriously? After years and years of help? Yet more after a tantrum at 21/22? I’d be having a talk about why she’s not getting a job? Immaturity obviously but just throwing more time and money at this DD won’t work. She needs to reflect about her actions and come up with a plan. Rejections for grads come thick and fast. They have to live with it.

You do seem to be making it all about you, and your experience. Yes she ruined her day. Her day, not yours. You only mention how it made you feel. No one wants to be in a bad mood. She obviously couldn't pull herself out of it and now she will have bad memories of her own graduation. What it has to do with you I don't know.

I know someone who often ends up like this on important days, especially if things don't go to plan. She is on the spectrum and has ADHD.

Wow. It’s unbelievably unpleasant of you to react this way to what the pp is dealing with.

Yup, same thing was said around the 2008 financial crisis. This isn't the first generation graduating into precarious circumstances. The employment rate for graduates now versus 20 years ago is actually pretty much the same (about 0.5% difference). Interest rates are falling. The average age for buying a house is 33 so a couple of years older than when I graduated but not hugely different. I teach on a high-entry requirement course at a very good university so maybe my perspective is skewed and it's worse for others but my students are not and do not feel that they are fucked in the job market.

Also, when I graduated, I entered a highly competitive career in a difficult market and made over 100 applications before securing a job. It's not new that graduates get job rejections.

Admittedly if there is some sort of party afterwards that ameliorates it

Not at DD's university. There was one glass of fizz or orange juice per guest and a cake. It was the last graduation of the day and none of the lecturers hung around. They just disappeared. Most people disappeared after about 20 minutes.

Of course it's about the parents too!
There are few parents who haven't invested a lot of time, money, emotion and effort in their child's degree journey.
Granted, there are the miserable few who don't. Perhaps you know some like that 'Azandme"?

Well, is a learrning curve. Doesn't matter she is 21, she just got out of uni and she probably never had a job rejection before. The resilience you build, you are not born with it. I still cried when I failed an interview years after I was in the workforce, often I took the day off to go home and compose myself as I couldn't feel like I could function properly at work. Some people have dificulty hiding emotion, need the time to process it and that is absolutely fine. At the end of the day, the kid achieved great marks (from what OP said) graduated and if she came home, didn't do drugs and is working hard at what she is doing I say the OP has a good one there! Cut the girl some slack and let her get on with it, stroppy or not.

Are you ignoring the house prices thing? The fact that we are literally in an economic crisis?