Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

At my DCs' graduations (same uni for all) the message was very inclusive and was by no means only parents: parents, carers, partners, friends, anyone with you today. Not weird at all.

Be that as it may, but we live in a time where having a phone and checking it a few times a day - no matter what day it is - is fairly common and necessary.

In what way she treated you and dh like crap? Was she rude, call you names, made a scene? Because if she was just moody and upset, sorry to say this to you but people are entitled to their own feelings! Dhe had a job rejection. She overreacted? Maybe. Are her feelings invalid? NO! She has the right to be upset and to not go ahead with plans just to put a smiley face. You are not in control in what she feels but you are in control of how you react! The normal answer will be "dh, considering dd is a moody cow, let's drop her off home and we go out to dinner" or get on woth your day in any other way. Not be on verge of tears and upset at folding laundry. You are giving her way to much control in how your day pans out, respect her feelings as an adult and don't use her to martire yourself into folding laundry, these are your choices not hers.

Of course but I’d probably say it more like “well, you’re still young and haven’t supported an unappreciative child into adulthood so maybe let us know how you feel later on”

Why assume I’m someone who’s scared to say what I think?

Not during a graduation ceremony. See also: funerals, weddings, job interviews, theatre performances.

At the ceremonies I've worked, the invitation was for graduates to applaud 'family, friends and supporters' (and sometimes, even tutors).

It's obviously possible but rather more unlikely not to have ONE single person in your life who had offered some form of support during your academic study. Even if they're not there in the room, one can always applaud them in absentia.

Completely agree.

your DD should not have been rude, but ultimately you were there as a guest to watch her graduation and it’s up to her how she feels on the day. The job rejection may have hit hard and it’s a difficult stage of life when the uni years are over.

I do remember a bit feeling the pressure of my graduation and subsequent professional events being some kind of family occasion and I didn’t like it much. So personally I won’t be putting this pressure on my own kids. If I’m disappointed in their attitude etc I’ll hide it.

I’m happy to say that I’m 26, in the absolute thick of the shit job market and housing market that older generations have left us, and I can totally see why a job rejection would ruin her graduation for her. If you really cannot empathise with her then that’s on you, to be honest.

I've been to a few graduations. Often there is an acknowledgement of friends and family, of people who supported the graduands.

OP sorry your not so DD was a brat. It is possible to hire a gown and take photos if she is ever in a better mood.

Ds decided he didn’t want to go to graduation. Couldn’t bear the fuss and the hanging around. He’s gone back to his uni town this week to party with his mates but we have no photos in cap and gown. I’m a little sad but it’s up to him I suppose

Ha! I work in HE and spend every working day speaking to young people so I'm good thanks. The situation is not nearly as dire as you paint it and nor do my students feel the level of despair you are depicting and suggesting the OP's DD feels. And they do get jobs and don't spend their lives working in coffee shops.

Aww. My DD was similar at her graduation. She did get through the ceremony (top achiever too), but I've learned over the years, when she gets to overwhelm (later diagnosed autistic), she loses all control of her emotions and spirals. Then she feels terrible and a failure. It's really difficult when it happens at a time you want to be special, but the build up and expectations can often be the trigger to overwhelm.
It's not brattish (though it looks like that if you don't understand the cause) and we do talk about how to avoid it and build coping strategies.

The situation is just as dire as it’s made out to be. If not worse.

Presumably, she had really wanted this job and was very upset to be rejected. She doesn't yet have the maturity to be able to put those feelings aside and put on a brave face.

She’s at least 21 not 16!

I would be having a a serious conversation about this - she can’t rubbish everything - each time something disappointing comes her way.

Totally disrespectful.

Could be wrong, but no one is saying that DD checked her phone during the graduation ceremony, are they? Just saying that it’s fairly standard to check your phone throughout the day, so if you read a job rejection email or similar on your phone before a fun or happy event, that’s obviously going to dilute your excitement for it.

You are not unreasonable at all, OP. This was a big moment, for you and your husband as well, spoiled by your daughter’s behaviour. I do understand her disappointment about the job. I know she is still young. She may also be frightened about her future and worried about the jobmarket. But to behave the way she did, is not OK and actually a bit worrying. Life throws you all kinds of curve balls. It’s important to know how to deal with them. How to put them in perspective. How to not let them spoil your graduation day. Maybe when things have calmed down, you could suggest she thinks that through? Find help how to deal with life’s disappointments? Tell her also how the day was for your and your husband … express the hope that if and when she graduates again, or finds another job she loves, or anything good happens (and it will!) to celebrate together and to put this negative experience behind you all?

Ax well as the job rejection your DD was leaving somewhere she presumably called a home from home for 3 or more years, friends scattering across the nation, saying goodbye to a trusty vent care free lifestyle and facing proper adulthood face on. It’s A LOT. I think you should give her some slack and move on

I didn’t even to go my graduation.. I think you’re being unreasonable.. it’s not really about you- maybe everyone should have said ‘do we still want to do this?’ I’d probably have just gone for a nice lunch to celebrate and let it go x

"She doesn't yet have the maturity to be able to put those feelings aside and put on a brave face."

If she went to uni at 18, she'd be around 21 now.

If she had a gap year or has done a 4 year course, she'd be around 22. How old do young people have to be these days before they "have the maturity" to cope with disappointment?

Depending on her field of study she may have to apply for hundreds of jobs before she gets an offer.

I've never looked at my graduation photos since that long boring day. My brother didn't even go to his graduation(s). Some people just aren't into all that fuss, and if she wasn't in the mood for it then fair enough.

And it's not as much about the parents, that's why graduates can invite who they want. I would have thought it infantilizing, exclusionary, and belittling to have parents mentioned as just as important.

Stop trying to change the narrative here, the issue is her DDs childish tantrum. Many young adults now have little to no resilience and seem unable to handle any disappointment or challenges.

How is DD going to deal with the many more challenges and disappointments that may come her way? And yet at every opportunity we immediately find a way to pander and deflect rather than deal with the issue whilst raising these young adults that should never be made upset or sad because the whole world will come to an end.

Do you think her while life will all be smooth sailing, no challenges in marriage and relationships? No challenges with parenting, no challenges with her career etc??? Is she going to throw a tantrum and act like that every time?

I don't know if this is the result of gentle parenting but it seems to be increasingly prevalent and parents have to pander and pretend so "they don't lose their child" and get cut off.

DD handled it poorly simple, yes it's disappointing to get a rejection but that's part and parcel of life and she needs to learn to handle it better if not she's in for a long ride.

This is a direct result of molly cuddling and never wanting our kids to feel sad or face challenges growing up, we over protect and over pamper them and then they grow up they are unable to deal with disappointment or challenges in real life.

Neither of mine even went to their graduation!

i would probably have gone back home and left her to it.

She is an adult, she needs to learn how to cope with setbacks.

I’m not at all assuming you’re scared to say what you think. It’s more that your post didn’t come across as very kind. Do you not think it’s worth being civil online?

I never said I can’t empathise with her. In fact I have said that of course I can understand her disappointment. If you think wallowing in your disappointment and then taking it out on others (who have only tried to support you and encourage you to acknowledge the achievement of your hard work) is “understandable” then that’s on you.