Dd ruined graduation

[DrudgeyPants]

I didn’t put this in aibu because I’m feeling too miserable to get a bashing, but perhaps I am bu.

Dd’s graduation yesterday. It was 3 hours away so we stayed in a nice hotel for a treat. On the morning dd received a job rejection, and that was it. She descended into a foul mood.

The day was an abject failure. After the ceremony dd snapped that she was off to return her gown. “But the photos….” we said weakly and dd replied sarcastically that there would be no photos.

Everyone else was being jolly but not us. We stood around for a bit, me feeling like an idiot trussed up in a new dress. Dh and I were hissing at each other not to lose it as we were both feeling a bit teary. We were supposed to be going out for a nice meal, but dd said she wasn’t bothered so we drove home. And that was it.

Today dh has gone into work; I had taken another day off but I’m just doing the washing and cleaning. Dd has gone out.

I wasn’t building this graduation up (I have been to others!) but for dd to spoil it so thoroughly for both her and us mugs has left me feeling very down.

I agree. The OP sounds like a pretty normal mum - wanting some photos of her daughter in her graduation gown and to go out for dinner is pretty standard.

A few people have said that graduation ceremonies are boring - I think this misses the point. Some are better than others but they are there to mark the end of your degree and the graduate’s achievements. They don’t need to be edge of your seat entertaining.

It was a job rejection, not a sudden bereavement.

I would expect an adult woman to show some maturity and a sense of proportion and at the very least, park her disappointment until after the photos and the meal, for the sake of her parents who have travelled a long way and forked out on a hotel to enjoy this day with her.

Erm, yes they are. I have endured sat through 4. They are incredibly boring.

She is 21. She is likely aware of how awful the job market is. Again, she is a human. She won’t react perfectly.

People complain about Gen Z and how lacking in reliance and maturity they (allegedly) are.

Pandering parents must at least share a portion of the blame if (some) responses on this thread are anything to go by.

It's the nastyness her DD then had towards her parents when she got disappointed that the issue I think.

I think being subdued or angry or upset would have been understood - it sounds more like the parents became the emotional punch bag for her disappointment that day despite the disappointment being nothing to do with them.

I don't think it's the emotion at all - but the taking it out on people who spent time and money trying to support her.

I suspect many PP are right and it's been a pattern for a while and may not just be a pattern with them but a wider problem.

I'm not expecting her to react perfectly. Hence why I said she could have parked her disappointment for a few hours and not sulked and ruined the day for everyone else and left her parents on the verge of tears.

Sounds like in this family the daughter over-reacts and the parents under-react.

DD might need to get used to job rejections! She’s not the only one who goes through this. Most grads want a happy day with family and friends. Lots of group photos and ones with parents.
DC can mostly enjoy the day despite Jon rejections and some might have had 20!

@DrudgeyPants Unfortunately your DD has no manners. Life doesn’t always pan out as you would like but ruining a day for others is very selfish. What does she now want from you? Free board and lodging forever? I think you and DH must sit down with her and talk about this behaviour or you won’t have a great life from now as she’s back with you.

My dsis didn’t go to her graduation. Our DF died whilst she was at university and she denied DM a day out to see her graduate. Some people just aren’t pleasant and don’t care about others.

You're missing the point. Feeling sad and disappointed inside but finding it within you to smile and go through with plans so as not to disappoint others is something her parents would have noticed and been proud of. They would still have been sorry for her disappointment but it shouldn't have been front and centre yesterday.

If anyone overreacted it’s the parents. On the verge of tears because your daughter doesn’t want a picture?

I remember finding the job rejections I got when first leaving university devastating. I don't know how I would have reacted had one of them come on the morning of my graduation....

Fast forward 30 years and we have attended graduations for our eldest 2 DDs plus a post-grad one at Harvard (by far the most fun!) However our 3rd DD who had a difficult time at university was adamant she did not want the whole palaver and took her degree in absentia. She seemed worried we would be disappointed/upset but it was fine with us.

In your case I think it was just bad timing that your daughter got the news on that day and, being still young, lacked the resilience to set it aside and enjoy the occasion regardless. I have sympathy with this, remembering how soul-destroying I found a whole series of job rejections myself

Can you not see how your experience will not necessarily be the same as someone else’s?

You did very well to buy your own home, and I’m sure you worked hard and made sacrifices to do that, as many people in that position do.

However, despite also working hard and also making sacrifices, many people will never be able to buy their own home or get a job that pays a decent salary. Do you not have any sympathy for them?

And @SnoopyPajamas is talking about the current situation, which doesn’t sound like it applies to you. It is much, much harder now to meet those adult milestones than it used to me, and it’s very sad that it will likely only get much worse - not just in the U.K. but in other Western countries too (e.g. Canada, the USA, Australia, NZ, most of the EU).

These nursery school graduations are getting beyond a joke!

I'd say she needs to get a sense of perspective and quickly or she has an inflated sense of self to have responded the way she did. I didn't do as well as I'd have liked at uni, but I got my degree and went to the graduation ceremony because it's still an achievement and an opportunity to celebrate with family. If I'd have behaved the way your daughter did I'd have been told to buck my ideas up if, after being commiserated with, I'd behaved like that.

I think they under-reacted to her horrible behaviour. It wasn't just refusing a photo.

I agree that tears were an inappropriate response, hence why I asked OP if they generally pander to her.

Too late now, but you should really have chivvied her along and encouraged a bit of resilience, as she’ll likely go through many more job rejections before getting her job if the state of the market is anything to go by. Even when I graduated in 2002 I had to apply for 40 or 50 jobs before I got one.

My parents still have my graduation photo displayed in their living room 23 years after the event, so it was really unfair for your DD to deprive you of that keepsake from the special day. I’d honestly have got her to take pictures with her miserable face on, by reminding her of how much you have supported her, the distance you’d travelled and how everything is not always going to go her way.

It's her graduation, it's up to her how she marks it including doing it in absentia if she had chosen that option. You're making it all about you and your hurt feelings. Sounds like she had a rough day, did you want her to pretend to be happy and paste on a fake smile for your benefit?

She doesn't owe anyone a photo op. And cancelling dinner is on you, you could have still gone without her.

What a weird concept. What about those who didn’t have parental support or mature students… maybe I should ask my work to email my parents to congratulate them when I get a promotion…

It might be a good idea to stop reading articles and talk to some actual 25 year olds.

If you are getting your perspective on this solely from the media, then I would recommend reading a few more articles about the future of the pension pot, and the cost of housing relative to annual income, compared to the 00s.

It's not hysteria. The picture is genuinely depressing, and telling people "It worked out fine for me two decades ago!" is more than a little tone-deaf.

There’s a shocking number of people who are completely out of touch with how impossible it is to be a young person at the moment. No housing, the job market has stagnated and then people are awful to us when we’re not doing things that they did at our age.

maybe it’s just my age but I totally sympathise with OP’s daughter. The job market is awful and you really do get your hopes up with each application you make.

With that attitude I can see why employers are rejecting her.

It sounds like it is your age…

Jesus 😳

Also it’s never a good idea to be looking at your phone on a big day like graduation or a wedding.
Obviously the job market is tough. Stropping about won’t sort that out though.

That’s nasty. Would you say that to the poster’s face if you weren’t hiding behind an anonymous username?