Page 2 | Will a couple therapist call out abuse...

Aquestiontoponder · 2025-07-05T10:13:37+00:00

Just that really. I won't go into details unless asked. If a couple are having relationship therapy and there are signs of abuse, would the therapist actually verbalise that?

Piffle11 · 05/07/2025 17:48

My abusive ex and I went to Relate counselling for a while. I thought they were shockingly bad. My ex seemed to be allowed to claim whatever he wanted to without me having any comeback. I would come out of sessions feeling incredibly distressed, and he would come out feeling validated.

mathanxiety · 05/07/2025 17:50

You should both do a separate interview to begin with. If you feel you're being abused, you should say that at that point.

No responsible therapist should agree to continue couples therapy if abuse is stated or suspected.

mathanxiety · 05/07/2025 17:53

justmadabouttheboy · 05/07/2025 17:21

You need to stop going to see this therapist with your abusive "D"H, as all you're doing (and the therapist should be able to see this) is handing him more ammunition to abuse you with. She's clearly trying to call him out, realising that this is the only way she can intervene in the current set-up (with SS ordered therapy), but she'll know that it's not what's really needed, which is you having therapy on your own to enable you to leave him.

I was in a similarly coercive relationship for many years, and when I said I wanted a divorce he wanted to "talk" via couples counselling and said the problem was a communication issue, but by that point I'd realised that he could convince just about anyone that I was the problem, so I wasn't going to risk it.

I had a very similar experience, minus the mandate.

Turned out the organisation exH had booked us into was notoriously poor on the topic of abuse. Absolutely lalala, heads in the sand, "communication issues" humbug...

mathanxiety · 05/07/2025 17:59

Aquestiontoponder · 05/07/2025 16:36

That is awful and I'm so sorry to hear that. I know going to therapy with someone abusive isn't a good idea. I suppose on some level I want her to identify it and actually tell him.

She's aware I've been grabbed, pushed and shouted at in front of our child. She also knows he shouts, swears and makes me question my reality.

The problem with therapy is it assumes two "normal" individuals. I know it's a word thrown around but my partner shows every sign of narcissism. Giving us communication exercises does not work. She spends half the session trying to control him.
He used therapy against me, he shouts at me to obey her and threatens to tell on me. He spends the whole session telling her I need diagnosis for my mental illness. Apparently we don't need therapy or communication exercises. I need medication.

Show quote history

Get yourself a therapist.

Or call Women's Aid and ask for help.
0808 2000 247

There are no words in the English language that I'm aware of to adequately describe the hell of therapy that skirts the issue of one partner deliberately choosing to abuse the other. It's a whole other layer of cruel abuse on top of what you're already being put through.

Otoh, the relief of feeling that someone gets it and understands what's happening - the feeling of validation, of being seen and heard - is also indescribable.

You do not have to engage in any meaningful way with the therapy you've been ordered to do.
Nod, make murmurs of agreement, say trite rubbish.

Call WA for your own lifeline.

StarCourt · 05/07/2025 18:12

Piffle11 · 05/07/2025 17:48

My abusive ex and I went to Relate counselling for a while. I thought they were shockingly bad. My ex seemed to be allowed to claim whatever he wanted to without me having any comeback. I would come out of sessions feeling incredibly distressed, and he would come out feeling validated.

same happened to me with Relate

FortyElephants · 05/07/2025 18:16

Aquestiontoponder · 05/07/2025 16:01

Social services. That's a whole other thread. I spoke about our relationship to someone who made a safeguarding referral. She recommended therapy 2 months ago. She said she'd be in touch in a few days and that she's be speaking to myself, partner and children again. That never happened. Last week I received a letter saying they've closed the case.

Why on earth are you still going? You had a thread where you told us that a social worker had recommended couple therapy and you were told very clearly that this was bad advice and you should stop going. Now you say they have closed the case (they sound like an extremely shit social work department by the way) and yet you're still going, and even more awful, you're still there. What will it take for you to leave?

Utterlyconfusednow · 05/07/2025 18:21

FortyElephants · 05/07/2025 18:16

Why on earth are you still going? You had a thread where you told us that a social worker had recommended couple therapy and you were told very clearly that this was bad advice and you should stop going. Now you say they have closed the case (they sound like an extremely shit social work department by the way) and yet you're still going, and even more awful, you're still there. What will it take for you to leave?

Show quote history

I remember that thread, the OP was just as obtuse and unresponsive to a solution then too.

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/07/2025 18:22

I literally spend the hour crying and physically shaking during therapy

How does your therapist respond when you’re sitting there crying and shaking? To be honest as a therapist I’d direct you to individual therapy and wouldn’t see you as a couple. There are a few reasons for this:

if you’re crying and shaking it would tell me you’re too scared to do joint work with him
in any therapy the chances of the abusive relationship dynamic colouring the therapy are too high
if the therapist directly challenges him there’s a chance it will make him more abusive to you in private

In your last thread you were given good advice to end therapy and take steps to leave him. I’d reiterate that again.

napody · 05/07/2025 18:22

Let's say she does see it, and calls it out.

How does that actually help you? What does that enable you to do that you don't already have the tools to do? She can't end your relationship for you. He's never going to admit that he's wrong and you're right. All you can control is your response to this awful situation. Echoing pps who advise speaking to women's aid.