Stop the world want to get off

[Flashofpast]

Life is shit . Even the good bits have a sprinkle of poop on it. Years and years of shit from childhood right till present. Kidding myself when I pretend its all ok. Yaaay life. what bullshit. Even a unicorn would not want to sparkle shit on my shit.

Past comments "poor kids" "chaotic" "bad parent" totally agree just couldn't see it at the time.

How old are you?

Parts of life are shit, but life is what you make it ok the whole. We aren’t all blessed with lovely stable upbringings. We didn’t all excel at school or get gifted a house deposit at 18. But you can change your life.

What is going wrong OP? Can you make a plan to change any of it? Sometimes we really need to focus on the glimmers. Start by looking forward to a drink or food you enjoy tommorow, or a tv show, an hour with a book. Take it hour by hour, day by day, week by week. Book something in for you to look forward to, even if it is just an hour. I promise you it will get better, if you prioritise making it better.

Is life really so dark that you cannot see anything at all in your life to be grateful for such as maybe you have good health?

Maybe you have a nice place you can walk to and enjoy a bit of outdoors.

Maybe you can walk without pain?

Someone who is nice in your life even if it's someone who says hello to you everyday and smiles?

The ability to read? The ability to see?

There's always something in life to be grateful for no matter how small.

It's a fact that if you start your day reminding yourself of small things that are good and that you are grateful for it will help you to feel more positive overtime.

As previous posters have said, not everyone has had a perfect upbringing a perfect life, sometimes we have to take ourselves by the hand and look outside of our own misery to see if we can help others who are less fortunate.

And although you may not see it now OP, there are always others who are less fortunate.

I don't want to do anything to be honest. Just want to be numb

I agree and I know there are people in lot worse situations than myself. I don't know what to say. Compared to others I have no good reason to feel how I do.

Has something in particular just happened that has prompted you to post tonight @Flashofpast?

I would never suggest that you had no good reason to feel the way you do, OP.
People are complicated.
If you feel the way you do, it's very real to you and no one can deny that you feel that way.
Sometimes we need help to understand ourselves better, you've come on to MN to tell us how you feel.
That's a good first step.
Would it be possible for you to book an appointment with your GP and tell them how you feel?
Sometimes we all need a little more help, to get on the right track, and then we can start to see more clearly around us.
When you reach that state, and you begin to feel grateful for the small things, your mind becomes more positive and accepting and it's a little easier to face each day and to observe others who are struggling too.
I'm guessing that you are made of stronger stuff than you think OP xx

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

Sorry I didn't mean to come across badly. I truly agree with what you said. I don't want to go to the GP to be honest. Its pointless I have tried to be greatful for the small things for many years. But im kidding myself.

Things just hit home that's all.

You can’t change the past OP, all you can do is try and break the cycle.

Bertrand Russell wrote that the secret to happiness is to “admit that life is horrible, horrible, horrible.” Once you do that, you start to appreciate the small things. We have adopted from America this silly idea that we’re meant to be happy. We’re not. In a state of nature most of us would be dead by 25. Life is basically shit, but with good bits, rather basically great but with bad bits. Live for the good bits.

I think i am the cycle

That kind of makes sense. It seems when I have good bits there's a big fat cow flying over me waiting to shit on it.

Get some help, but keep things in context. I have stage 4 cancer and I’m about to go thru a 12 hour surgery to remove my bowel, part of my tail bone, fit a stoma and it might not even be enough to mean it doesn’t come back. Grasp on to your physical health and get help for your mental health.

I think it’s highly unlikely it started with you. We’re all the product of our upbringing.
Recognising an issue is the first step to solving it.

That is the cycle though. My child life was shit and i probably did have my own part to play in that. And I have passed shit to my kids weather that's genetics or because im just shit person /parent i dont know but now its passed to them . I always thought I done my best now im thinking not.

Im sorry you are going through that. It sounds so hard i dont think I could cope with that . I know my stuff is nothing compared to your situation. Im so sorry 💐

Really sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time @Flashofpast

I too suffered with a shitty childhood and luckily I haven’t suffered badly with my metal heath due to it.

Im sure you’ve heard it all before but we cannot change the past. All we can do is learn from it, let it go and try to focus on the positives.

Life is so precious and we all only get one go at it. It’s easy to say but try and think about what you want to do to feel happy and fulfilled.

See your childhood as a separate time and person and see who you are now as a new chapter. You are the author of your story and get to decide what happens in your life.

Well that’s what I meant. The cycle didn’t start with you, but currently you’re perpetuating it. You’ve recognised that, which is the first step to solving it. You can break the cycle.

This is a good perception of life and one worth following OP.

Life is tough, fucking brutal at times. But we need to live for the good bits. There are always good bits, but sometime we have to look for them.

In my childhood I remember good things . Playing on the streets. On bikes playing over the cricket ground. Etc etc.

I had 7 siblings in all . 1 full sister and rest had a different dad to us i was the youngest.

I had a brother he was my best brother in the world. He was thin and tall 6ft 4. He was always clowning around. He used to take me to the shops and I would have to run to keep up. But he was also noncing me. It did eventually stop im not sute when.

I know when I was a teen ager there was a letter written by him to my mum confessing to what he had done . She ripped it up said its not true . Abd that was that.

At the point I was at school it was a sen school I completely with drew stopped talking . I used to sit in the corner on thr floor hidden by a desk . I wasn't made ti move . I kept a dairy I used to write in it today took 13 tab tonight took 20 tab this morning took 10 tab
I spoke about the abuse to cant remember what I said . A teacher had access to this book I knew she was reading it. Nothing was ever done.

By the time im 16/17 im just living with my dad things are good . Much better than before. We have a good relationship im quite spoilt to be honest . He was honestly the best dad in the world.

The strange thing is after all the stuff my brother had done i was still having a siblings relationship with him . I used to go to a pub with him. We had a great time it was fantastic..

One day he took me to one side and apologised for everything he had done said how deeply sorry he was etc I said it was OK. I dont remember it really. Abd said we just need tk gey on with life . But I wasn't ready to hear that confession or his apology and it triggered everything all over again.

I decided I had to leave my dads place i don't know why he hadn't done anything wrong. I just it in my head. So I put myself in a hostel. By this time I was under the gp on anti depressants . I loose track a bit now. But I was basically taking overdoses of the anti depressants . Sleeping loads . I remember I didn't eat for 28days. My poor dad had no idea where I was. Can't believe o did that to him he did nothing wrong.

I was transfered to a hostel in soho. I dont know how it happen but my sister came and got me . I stayed with her for a bit. My dad started to visit and our relationship was back on track and we were good again.

Mentally I was still fucked though. I was still doing things like taking to many tablets. It went on for years. Had 6 years worth of counselling very supportive gp at the time. O was still doing things like that when dd was little I think less so though im not totally sure. I thibk I completely stopped doing it when ds was born.

My dad had cancer and I had to care for him.we moved to Durham for a short while. My dad died 2 weeks later. I came back to London 6 months later I decided that was the start of my new life and I tried so hard to let everything go.

But is dd how she is because of me. Ds is the complete opposite to dd but he was 5 years younger.

My 18 year old has had similar to me in some ways on the mental health side of things taking to many tablets etc self harming . I wounder did I pass something to ho genetically ? He wasn't boring when alm the stuff i talk about was going on so he didn't witness stuff.

Well, you've opened up. So, you have an 18 year old son and you worry that he is taking too many tablets and self-harming. DD must be about 23 if he is 5 years younger. And you wonder if she's like she is because of you, but I don't think you've said how she is.

No sorry i didn't write it well. I have a now 28 year old and 22 year old. And 18 year old. By the time the 18 year old was born everything had stopped sometime before that. But I wounder if I passed anything mental health wise onto him that could have been genetic in some way.

Hes not doing that now. Its something he has done in the past.