Stop the world want to get off

[Flashofpast]

Life is shit . Even the good bits have a sprinkle of poop on it. Years and years of shit from childhood right till present. Kidding myself when I pretend its all ok. Yaaay life. what bullshit. Even a unicorn would not want to sparkle shit on my shit.

Past comments "poor kids" "chaotic" "bad parent" totally agree just couldn't see it at the time.

Whats EDMR?

I feel like a physical thing is much different that a mental heath type thing. Its much deeper and if I get paired with the wrong person it could really mess me up mentally. I have had so much to cope with over the years even my recent past and i dont want to risk going to deep and I cant get back out. Also its via nhs they don't have the money for me to spend several weeks building trust and then spilling bits out here and there.

Its just a waste of people's time. They could be helping someone who needs it more .

I do wounder if the kids would be better with their father. He takes them out loads over the weekend that he has them. He gets their hair cut. They can have nicer things . Go out more have more fun . With me its just boring and I don't do the good thing's he does. I do sometimes but not like he does abd definitely nit as often as he does.

I think im just miserable and boring in general

Well yeah.. typical weekend dad. He doesn’t have to wrangle with homework, getting the kids ready for school, feeding them nutritious meals etc. He can just do the fun stuff.

The meals I give them are not all that. I don't want my kids to be effected by my shit. They deserve better than me. People on her im the past have said they feel sorry for my children that's not said for fun.

Its ashame we cant just step of the planet for a short while then jump back on.

It's great that your kids have a dad who does stuff for them. It's not a competition. He does stuff. You do stuff. And you middle along, doing the best you can

Hoping that you can get some good sleep now. That is a way of stepping off the treadmill for a bit.

Yeah but then still have to wake up.

Another day ffs

EMDR is a specialist trauma treatment I won’t try and explain it in a few sentences Google it. It has been used successfully in war zones, and it works. It actually doesn’t involve a huge amount of sessions.
I had it on the NHS and it changed my life. You deserve it. There are people out there who are huge drains on the system who do very little to help themselves - you are not one of them.
I did have to wait as it was during lockdown but after three decades of suffering, it was a game-changer. It also means it keeps me healthy for the future.
If you are in a mindset where you believe nothing or nobody can help, and you are not worthy of it, then nothing anybody can say on here will help.
That sounds like tough love. Well, I got a dose of it, and it made me realise I needed to do something and I needed to advocate for myself.
I saw my GP, went in armed with facts and on the waiting list I went. This is after years of therapists, CBT, you name it I’ve tried it. I was giving up and decided I deserved to live and have a decent life.
You have a choice to make and it’s in your hands now.

Life is what you make it OP. But you need to get yourself help for your mental health. As the child of a mother with serious mental health issues the thing that grates on me the most is that she wouldn’t get help for her mental health so she could parent us better.

One of my sisters has inherited my mother’s poor mental health but she recognises it and gets the support she needs. She has also chosen not to have children as her way of breaking the cycle.

you’ve been through some horrible things in your life but giving up and not seeking help will not be good for anyone. I hope you can find the joy in life again.

you are not worthy of it

Thats how i feel. What's the point etc etc . So that's that

There will be long waiting list. Be better used on others who have a different mindset. And more open to it mentally.

I don't know what to say anymore..

You are worthy of happiness OP but it sounds like you need support to find it and you deserve that support.

Im not sure if want it. Right back from childhood right though to now has been BS. Yeah good things have happend. But I guarantee its short lived the bad bits far out weigh the good.

Many times I have been pulled apart on here. They were right my kids deserve so much better.

Your life hasn't been straightforward. Being a child experiencing all you did was very damaging to you. Your brother did a very bad thing and your mother was wrong to do what she did. Her role was to protect you, not to leave you vulnerable. I'm no psychologist, but I do know that our reactions are based on circumstnces, and you did what you could to get through.

Counselling is for you alone. It will help you make some sense of who you have become. You are entitled to be listened to and helped through your life. It won't change the people that surround you, but it will help you to deal with that aspect and other areas of your life. It's not a magic wand, fair enough, but it's for you. Just do it and don't mind how it starts off. It'll be an outlet for you, if noting else.

Can I blunt? My trauma came from something I felt responsible for. It ruined my family’s centre, I lost many people, and there were many, many times I wanted to not be alive. I self~harmed, became addicted to prescription drugs, I was miserable and lonely every day.
I used to go to bed every night and pray not to wake up so a person could be spared ~ someone who was ill through no fault of their own.
And there I was every morning, awake again. I felt I’d lost everything and I had. Health, career, home, the works, all gone. And I felt I didn’t deserve any help at all.
If you genuinely DON’T want any support, you wouldn’t have posted on here.
But somewhere inside of you is a tiny core of something which does want someone at least to listen and that’s the first step.
If you bat off every offer of help, then eventually people will stop. I know the people who still cared about me certainly backed off. Whoever gave me the tough love talk felt ruthless to me at the time, and I was furious.
Saved my life, though.
Stop saying you don’t deserve help. It’s why you posted, even without realising. Go with that.

That past has been done though it cant change any of it . And it was such a long time ago . Im banging on about something that happend about 30-36 years ago . And then all the stuff I was doing to myself was after that until about 20 ish years ago . So look how that adds up i spent all them years fucking life up doing stuff messing life up.

Im sorry for what you have been though.are things better for you now? Do you feel different as a person?

I have not had people back of in my personal life because I don't tell anyone in real life a thing . They had/have absolutely no idea

Many years ago when I used to take to many tablets . I used to tell myself I was temporary dead. Weird I know. Meaning that due to the tablets I had taken I would sleep for a long time. Loose all timing of day and night. Didn't know what day it was.

I get what you mean by if I didn't want support I wouldn't have posted . I do get that . But I do feel scared about the fact that I have posted. Im scared of people knowing who I am and then getting ripped apart like I have been on many occasions. Im scared of the fact I just wrote that. Thats why I have only written about my past and not to much about the recent years I get accused of not taking advice. When it could be maybe im not ready to. Maybe im not ready at that moment . Maybe I have taken advice that others dont agree with. Maybe the situation is more complex than they think. But wont hear of that. And i often don't have the strength to back myself up or explain myself. This all adds up and leads to i have failed.

Don't take advice from the people around you. Go to a counsellor, psychotherapist or psychiatrist and let them help you. They will guide you.

Your whole life has led to where you are now, as you know; so it is relevant and needs to be looked at.

@Flashofpast a thought. You have been very, very brave to have admit what you have been through.
What happened to me is something I can’t go into detail because it would be so outing. You did absolutely nothing to deserve what happened to you. I brought a fair bit of it on myself.
And the time? It doesn’t matter if it was 10 days ago or 10 decades ago. When you been through a significant trauma it changed your brain patterns and talking therapy doesn’t really shift it.
This is how I understood it. It’s like your brain has an email server and trauma caused it to shut down. The rational part of your brain says well it’s not happening now, you’re not in any danger. It sends emails to say it’s well, it’s the past. But your server is down.
Having trauma therapy helped me reboot the server.
I found the work of a guy called Dr Gabor Mate really helpful - he’s a trauma expert he has lots of resources on YouTube.
I also like a therapist called Dr Edith Eger - she is a Holocaust survivor, now in her 90’s. Her patients say they feel ashamed their traumas are small compared to hers, and they don’t feel worthy. But she’s brilliant at explaining why trauma is relative to the individual.
What you have written in your last post is huge progress today. You make perfect sense but maybe right now you don’t feel ready to do anything else and that’s fine.
But I hope if you count the replies, that is a number of people who all feel AND know you deserve some support.
And there are many who have felt as you do now.
When you are ready, there is a specialist therapist who is highly trained waiting to help. Without you, they’d have no job.

Im not sute if I have the guts though that means bring everything up. Past and present what if I cant cope with it and I cant bury it again

With trauma therapy you were with a specialist. You don’t have to bring everything up. You don’t sit there for hours and hours coming through it all.
As I’m not a trained therapist I can’t explain it, but I was able to have treatment without going through every single event.

This may help. It’s a long read but you don’t have to read it all in one go.
My positive experiences of EMDR are just my personal opinion, too.

www.embodiedwellnesstherapy.com/blog/how-emdr-therapy-can-address-anxiety-without-reliving-the-trauma

Life is shit for everyone at times because that’s life.🤷‍♀️

I’ve had bucketloads of shit, in all ways, over the years, but I look for the positives in life, so I’ve also found loads of laughs and happy times.

Some info about the NHS, too. Just for today, read it and give yourself a chance. I will dip out here to give other posters room.