Stop the world want to get off

[Flashofpast]

Life is shit . Even the good bits have a sprinkle of poop on it. Years and years of shit from childhood right till present. Kidding myself when I pretend its all ok. Yaaay life. what bullshit. Even a unicorn would not want to sparkle shit on my shit.

Past comments "poor kids" "chaotic" "bad parent" totally agree just couldn't see it at the time.

Why did you ask how old is was ?

Life is what you make it. Seems I made it shit then.

My dad would have been a fantastic lone parent. He had such a lovely heart.

I do think life is what you make it to an extent. But I think its boobie trapped to. I think people just get up dust themselves down and carry on.

I can't honestly say all of my life had been awful it hasn't. Sometimes the bad bits stick out more than the good bits.

If you look at the words you put, you wrote 'from childhood right till present' and so for all I knew you could be 22, with decades of life ahead of you, or 52.

Also you wrote these words - 'poor kids', 'chaotic', and 'bad parent' and I couldn't tell whether those referred to your parent/s and you own childhood, or to you as a parent.

Perhaps I shouldn't have asked your age. If you feel it was rude of me, I apologise. I think it's useful to know now that you are 'older' and have grown-up children.

You say that life is what you make it. O.K., it is to some extent, maybe to a great extent, but sometimes we are battered a bit by forces beyond our control, and we crumple for a while and then climb back. It sounds as if you've done that already in your life.

Oh ok . No its fine I just wasn't sure how to take it.

The words poor kids , chaotic, bad parent are words that have been said to me.

Sorry its all badly written I don't write in the best ways. At the best of times

Bloody hell, op. No wonder your head is all over the place.

You were let down so badly by your brother, your Mum and your teachers. Thank goodness for your dad and sister and the love they were able to give you. And you know what? You have survived. You were there to care for your dad when he needed you, and you have created three amazing young people.

It sounds tough seeing your youngest self harm like this, but many many young people do. He's not caught it from you. It does mean that you are in a position to say to him that you understand that life hurts so much you feel you need to do this, but also to say that there are ways forward, and people who can help.

Keep posting op. Mumsnet is a great place to meet people who understand, and who can offer a hand to hold, when everything seems too much.

We know you are not 22 because you have a 28 year old!!

Doesn't really matter how old you are though. The pain we go through can last for decades and you feel how you feel, no matter how old you are.

Life isn't what we make of it. You are allowed to feel how you do, and you certainly didn't choose to feel this way. I think people are trying to say that it doesn't all have to feel bad forever, but for now, you can. Has something particular happened to your youngest to make you feel so bad at the moment?

I do have more than 3 . I didn't mention the others . Because they are much younger and have had no effect from it or ripples etc.

Ds doesnt realise how much we have in common. I would never tell him. Im just mum I don't understand.

I have always been known as the dumb stupid one. The one pushed out of everything. Yet I was good enoigh to look after my dad on my own with 2 children whilst struggling with my own mental health.

Its fantastic that my sister got me and my dad's relationship where it should be. But she's not what she seems. Im not going onto that though. That doesn't mean im not greatful though.

No nothing has happened ds is fine. Hes doing quite well at the moment.

I just read stuff about my past that i had blocked out. Ahd I guess triggered itself.

I'm glad he's ok. Glad to hear the littlies are ok too. How are the oldest two doing?

Sorry to hear that your sister wasn't great. She stepped in and helped at the right time but still wasn't really there for you. It sounds as if you really need someone who is on your side!

Siblings and family can be cruel and label someone as 'the dumb one' - but it doesn't mean that it's true! It's a reflection of how they chose to see you - maybe they were all going through their own stuff, but it doesn't mean that's how you are.

I know that you had counselling years ago, but it does sound as if it might be helpful for you to start again now, with someone who is there just to support you, and listen to you. Your relationship with your brother was very complex, and is obviously still raw. And although you aren't overdosing now, you are still - understandably - carrying the hurt from that time with you.

And in the meantime, hang on in there. Sending a very unmumsnetty hug.

Yes, life can be shit.
And some lives are much worse than others - but comparisons are not helpful. Some lives look okay on the outside but only the person living that life knows how bad it is.

No, it is very, very unlikely that you have passed on "mental health issues" to your son genetically. Some conditions might be heritable to some extent, but I don't think that is even possible in abuse cases, because the cause was outside you not in your genes, so you could not pass it on.

You had a really bad time - none of what happened was your fault.
But you have survived.

Have you ever tried counselling for PTSD - it is highly likely you have PTSD from all that has happened. Not any old counsellor will do, so you have to keep hunting for the right one.
If you can't afford it, or are not ready, at least read up a bit about PTSD and abuse survivors.

As others have said, keep looking for the joy in small things.

I don't want to do counselling to be honest. I dont want to open stuff up over 5 sessions abd then goodbye have a nice life when everything has been dragged to the service. Then thers the in-between you talk for 50 min. And then of you go with it heavy on your shoulders because its all there all over again.

The older 2 are OK. Dd has bipolar. Has been in DV relationships heavy involvement with ss etc uts been pretty awful. She's much better than sge was. But she's hard work . Adult ds is doing good hes the complete opposite hes very mellow and easy going . He does get stressed but he had a stressful job. But hes doing fantastic

You had a really bad time - none of what happened was your fault.
But you have survived

But what about the bit where even after what he was doing was known and he even said how sorry he was etc . I was still hanging out with him. They probably though I was lying.

I don't have money for counselling. I will look up pdsd.

Survivors of abuse can do very strange things when suffering the effects of abuse.
For example (not quite the same as your case but relevant), women who are abused by their husbands or partners often refuse to leave, or leave then go back to him, sometime doing this several times over.

It is not the least surprising that you were still hanging out with him - he was (is) your brother, and your feelings were very confused and mixed up. Love and hate can be all mixed up together, so then you just shove it all out of your mind and try to "carry on as normal".

It was not your fault that you were abused, and it was not your fault that you tried to have a family relationship with your brother afterwards.
It was not your fault that people didn't believe you, and it was not your job to "make them believe" or "prove" it to them.

I get that. But from an outside point of view.

Like if someone knew: person A she was nonced by her brother . Person B I don't thibk so she was in the pub with him.

Stop thinking about what other people think - it doesn't matter.
Their opinions should have no effect on you.

Who cares what they think though? You know the truth.

This. You know the truth. We believe you too.
Of course it was complicated. He wasn't a stranger. He was your big brother. You chose to behave like a normal family because that's what you wanted to be.

Be kind to yourself. Hang on in there. (And of course you don't want counselling that only lasts for 6 weeks! Someone like you deserves, and would need, years of counselling to build up the trust to explore your feelings and responses. Reading about PTSD id a good step forward though.

I know logically it doesn't even matter.

I just wounder if I acted on a different way would it have stopped sooner. Instead of acting oddly at school would something have been done.

If none of this had happend would I have had a better education. Would my life have been completely different . Would I have been better at choosing relationships would I have stuck to a relationship instead of getting rid as soon ad he said boo or a slight change of tone

I let people be nasty to me , say horrible things that are not true . I allow people to make assumptions about me. Spread force information. To the world im a horrible person. I never stand up for myself because I dont have the strength I cant back myself up because I can't find the words and mane them make sense. I also dont sau anything because I don't want the to feel bad like I have been mad to feel. So I mostly pretend not to see it.

Its strange because I can spill on here. But if it was within counselling I basically wouldn't speak. The times I went for counselling when I was younger and many times spent it in silence.

When I feel fearful I close of and avoid. I still do that now. Sounds so stupid but even if i contacted the gp and said I feel I need some type of therapy. If they say something like hello what can I do for you today .. and the tone was wrong. I would close up. Back of hang up and do nothing.

I am glad you 'can spill on here'.

Some time in the past, when things were going round in my head, I read that it is good to get them out, maybe by speaking them out to a friend or a trained counsellor (or unknown bods on MN, I add now), or by writing them out on paper and destroying the paper afterwards. In a book about depression it advised writing out anger like that, and if the anger wells up again, write it down again, as many times as you need. It seems to me that any of us could do that for any emotion e.g. sorrow, fear etc. I used it a bit when I was last bereaved, not for anger but for sorrow. If the idea is of any use to anyone, use it.

In a way, typing your feelings out on here is a bit like writing them out on paper. You are stopping them from just going around and around in your head. The difference is that you are not expressing a feeling directly to your father or brother or children, and a bit of paper might be useful for that. A few days ago I apologised to my late mother for something I said when I was a teenager. Only the wall heard. If I could live those five minutes again I wouldn't say it.

I once dipped into three or four books about depression and they all said that if there was anything useful in them, just use it, and leave the rest. What suits one doesn't suit another.

Yeah, I understand that. If I want the gp to understand, I have to write it down and give it to them. We're conditioned to be positive and polite and I just can't trust myself to say it right.

Sounding off to Mumsnet helped me too - you can say things here and take your time typing it out. It helps. And Mnet is open 24/7.

I also understand the What Ifs, but honestly, you couldn't have done anything differently because you are you. If you'd spoken up earlier, or stood up for yourself - you wouldn't be you. We do what we can, at the time. (Have you read The Midnight Library? Its quite a gentle novel dealing brilliantly with regret.)

When I was at school a lass in my class was being abused by a family member and she did speak up and was believed, though not by her mum. It went to trial and he was found guilty, but her mum still stood by him. Teachers and friends believed her, but it didn't make life happy. She was outspoken, but also aggressive, difficult to like, and she still lost most of her friends and sought out abusive relationships. It was incredibly hard to see . . . Even if you had spoken out and distanced yourself, it might not have been better. It takes years to start to work on and start to heal this type of betrayal. I hope eventually she found peace with herself, and friends she could feel accepted by.

Look after yourself, and your littlies. People who have been hurt are often brilliant at looking after others. And keep posting!

I done the same last night to my dad. I said I was sorry for what I put him throgh when I left . Even though he had done no wrong.

I used to write things down . That book was full of awful negative things. Very odd but im the end I left the book in my bedroom . And spent about a year sleeping on the Sofa. After that I never write things down.

Its different here almost better in some ways. There's replies to my thinking. If lt gets to much i can hide it . And it can disappear. Where a book is there.

I hate the bod thing on here. I probably would find it hard to tell. But I would feel very worthless talking to a robot type thing. It would make me feel im not worth anyone's time. So much so that a robot is sent in to honour me.

Im sorry about your loss. I hope it helped you to write things down. 💐

I can't read books . I dont take them in. Time I get to the bottom i forgot what I read it doesn't go in. And audio books would drive me insane.

With the what ifs I just wounder if my life would have been different. Would I have been a better parent would I have had a good job got married settled down.

Its good your schoo friend l was believed it must have taken her alot of courage. She was probably outspoken and aggressive in order to protect herself. My mother was simlar to your friends swept it under the carpet that o could deal with . But she hated me. She choice him. Not that I made her choose. I reached out to her so many times . She didn't want to know.

She's in a home now and has dementia. One of my other sisters said I should go and see her she would probably like me to go. I agreed to in the end. I don't drive it was awful to get to . I spent a few hours with her. She locked shocked /surprised to see me she gave me a hug. I stayed for a few hours. I felt sad for her. But I didn't feel like she was my mum. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen. I wouldn't want her to be treated badly. I bought her a tv for her room because she just had 4 walls .

My sister spoke about her coming out of the home because its so far away its hard for people to visit. She said the only person she could stay woth would be the brother. Hes a heavy alcoholic hes swears and shouts from what my sister has said . Yet shes saying he can look after her . Touch wood its not happend so far.

Sorry I went off a bit .

What you went through in your young life was absolutely horrific.
If you had a really serious physical illness and you were offered a proven treatment would you take it? The answer is probably yes.
But you’ve batted off the counselling treatment option.
Don’t. Therein lies the best help you could ask for.
Because of what you’ve been through you’d be entitled to more than just 6 basic counselling sessions.
You would have to be brave and advocate for yourself and on the NHS there could be a waiting list but it’s worth the wait. Specialist trauma therapy has the power to change your life and it doesn’t have to be hours of rehashing every single memory, either.
I had it, including EMDR, and it has been life-changing for me. Many people on MN agree it’s fantastic.
At the very least, give yourself a chance.