Is it normal to feel completely indifferent to strangers' lives?

[AmusedTaupePlayer]

Hi all,
Bit of an odd one, but I’ve been thinking about this lately and wondering if anyone else relates.
I’ve noticed that unless someone is part of my life — family, close friends, maybe a few colleagues — I just don’t feel anything about what happens to them. Whether it’s good or bad. Someone winning the lottery, getting cancer, becoming homeless, whatever — I can understand it matters, but on a personal level, I feel nothing. Take homelessness — I get that it’s awful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but emotionally, I don’t care. It doesn’t affect me. I don’t feel moved by it.
It’s not that I’m unkind or malicious. I just feel emotionally neutral about people I don’t know.
I suspect more people feel like this than let on, but whenever I’ve hinted at it, people react like I’m some sort of sociopath. So if it’s that common, why is it such a taboo to say out loud?
Is this just how emotional bandwidth works? Or is something off?
Genuinely curious — would love to know if others feel the same but just don’t talk about it.

@Ratisshortforratthew I'm interested. Do you feel sadness? When your partner is sad because something undeniably sad has happened (i.e. the death of very dear loved one), I understand that you don't "feel" his sadness but understand intellecutally that he is sad... but do you ever feel sad because someone you love feels sad? Do you have examples of anything that has made you feel sad in adult life or do you just not feel emotions at all (again, I totally understand you comprehend emotions)!

In my experience it is worse to not have empathy in a relationship at least. My ex didn’t have it but he’s still the best person to have around in a crisis (as long as it’s not of his making lol) because he can think unemotionally. But to share my life with someone like that, absolutely not. I think there are probably a lot of unhappy people married to surgeons and other professions that almost require you to not care much about others on an emotional level. Unfortunately though that doesn’t get switched off when they walk through the door. I’ve often said my ex would make a good surgeon but he makes a terrible life partner.

I don’t see the link between being empathic and not being good in a crisis. I think you can be both.

Having empathy with other people, doesn’t mean you have no control of your emotions or reactions.

Bunnylake, I may be wrong, sorry if so, but you are coming across as a bit superior, and somehow 'better' than people who aren't particularly empathic. Is that how you think, that you're somehow better?

Only you need to accept your own lack of empathy. No one else needs to accept it. That might sound...unempathetic, but you have to accept things yourself first. Then it's easier to accept that other people see things differently.

It took me years, like DECADES, to accept that it is an immutable fact that some people see the world different to me, How some people see things - their construction of reality - is opposite to mine. To see things differently would require them to flex beyond what they can maintain.

That's why we have a legal system, to sort opposing views out.

To be fair, I think generally speaking empathy is considered a good thing and lack of empathy not so good in terms of personality traits.

So people with empathic natures do think they're better. Are there degrees?
Edited spelling

I think it’s really odd and I cannot relate at all. I don’t think I know anyone like you?

I do accept it. I’m very happy being the way I am. Other people on this thread don’t seem to be able to though! I’m honestly not bothered if people think I’m a repulsive sociopath, but I think it’s somewhat ironic that some empathetic posters think it’s fine to say that, but not to call them self-absorbed grief stealers.

So you had a bad relationship with one person and have extrapolated that to mean everyone with similar traits is bad, rather than accepting people’s individual differences? Doesn’t sound very empathetic!

No one said they were mutually exclusive. No one said being empathetic meant you can’t be good in a crisis. Where was that posted?

He was also an alcoholic (thankfully now a sober one). I don’t ever want one of those again either.

People who don’t have empathy don’t need me to be empathetic towards them.

The only things that make me feel sad (or happy, or angry, or any other emotion) are things that happen directly to me or impact me (so if my partner got cancer for example I’d be really sad, but if I examine why, it’s because I’d be sad if he died and wasn’t around any more, so ultimately a selfish reason). Or animal cruelty, that really gets me. I feel angry about general injustice (or what I consider injustice) on a macro level like poverty, racism, sexism, but thinking about it, I think this is more of a theoretical anger than an actual feeling. If I’m having a heated debate or argument I feel a swell of emotion. Seeing people I love being sad doesn’t make me feel sad, no. If anything I’m actually quite grossed out by people crying, including myself. I’m a “tie a fake hand to a very long stick and awkwardly pat someone on the shoulder with it” kind of person.

That’s not how empathy works though is it, or at least it shouldn’t. It sounds like you’re not as empathetic as you like to think if you can be so selective with it. That’s not a criticism, I’m the same - if I feel like someone isn’t deserving of sympathy for whatever reason then I don’t give it to them. But that seems quite at odds with how deeply feeling you’ve repeatedly said you are.

@Ratisshortforratthew thank you for your reply, I genuiely find it interesting. Are the family you grew up with similar do you think, or are you different from them? I'm curious here because I grew up in a family where only one person (not me) was allowed to feel big sadness, big fear etc. and the rest of us had to hold our shit together and if not we were permitted to shout/slam a door, basically be angry. So I grew up in a very low empathy environment.

Why would I feel empathy for an unempathetic person though, are they all suffering and unhappy because of it? I don’t feel empathy towards narcs either. Empathy doesn’t mean you have to indiscriminately feel it for anybody and everybody.

I suppose you could feel sympathy for someone who lacks empathy if you thought it meant that they were missing out on an important part of the human experience. It's always harder to feel sympathy or empathy for a person that's harmed you though.

I have no siblings and was encouraged by both parents to be myself, pursue my dreams, advocate for myself and stand up for my beliefs, I wasn’t taught to repress emotions. My mum was incredibly demonstrative and affectionate and would cry and other people’s problems, the news etc. I remember even as a small child getting “the ick” seeing her cry. My dad had untreated mental health issues and was very misanthropic, I never saw him display emotion except anger. So that had an effect on the household when he was in one of his moods and my mum was tiptoeing around it. While I think his behaviour had some damaging effects I also think I take after him a lot and that some of the life lessons he taught me were useful.

Ok, you might be able to be selective with your empathy and emotions but I’m not. Emotions as I understand them are instinctive, they just appear unbidden, and then it’s on us to manage them. So by the same token I can’t just conjure up emotion if it isn’t there. I would’ve thought that having the kind of empathy that makes you feel other people’s emotions and pain would just happen whether you wanted it to or not.

That’s how I experience it. For instance, I’ve never felt drawn to Rachel Reeves, and I strongly disagree with many of her policies, but I was really saddened by the sight of her crying in parliament this week. It didn’t matter than I don’t like her, the sight of a woman so utterly broken that she eas in tears in front of her colleagues, her enemies and the whole world made me sad. Then I thought of her parents having to see that and how sad they’d be. Then I wondered if she had children, and how they’d feel seeing their mum humiliated in all the papers the next day.

I agree, I can often quite easily feel empathy for someone who has no empathy themselves and who has hurt me and/or others. Care and sympathy, that's a different matter, though understanding that came with maturity. When you are a child who feels empathy growing up in a very low empathy environment, the boundaries are not clear at all.

So it's a finite emotion?

I feel similar when my dm tells me the life stories of people I don't know. Friends of friends or family, neighbours etc. I don't want to know about their problems or health worries tbh. I don't know them. Fair enough if it's someone I know I'll take an interest once it's not mundane stuff but other than that I don't care. My dm on the other hand seems fascinated by other people's lives, particularly their health problems. I just don't get it!

To be honest I don’t really understand your motives in trying to catch people out or ‘accuse’ them of not being properly empathetic. It’s not some kind of gotcha moment. 🤷‍♀️

To be fair no one really wants to hear that.

@Ratisshortforratthew Empathy can be discriminatory just like sympathy can or love, they’re all emotions but not bandied out to all and sundry.