People who genuinely don’t care what people think - how do you do it??

[Illprobsregretthis]

I heard Katherine Ryan make a joke about having a personality disorder that means she just does not give an F about what people think, and that honestly must be nice! I on the other hand sent an email that could be slightly misconstrued as harsh and worry about it for hours.

People who don’t care; how do you do it?? Or am I destined to be one of life’s over worriers?

Im not sure if it’s so simple. I was left to my own devices in childhood and I’m people pleaser. DH was much more surrounded by people and supported and he has much better confidence and worries much less about what people are thinking.
However getting older definitely helps care less.

There is worrying about what people think with regards to personal life .....so I wear what I want to wear (deeply age inappropriate I am told as I am over 50, favour long hair, band tshirts and converse), go where I want to go, have the hobbies I like (playing poker isn't "what women should do") and drink what I want to drink etc. If I think someone is behaving badly or being racist, sexist etc then I will call it out even if other people dont like making a fuss and I dont care if they think I should have kept quiet. I wont.

But would I spend hours worrying about an email? Or a remark that could be taken two ways?

Hell yes! I can overthink a "how are you?" to the point of thinking they want me dead if I am in the right mood! OK exaggeration but not by much!

I cant change if I over worry about things like the email example and I would rather be super careful than upset someone and than really not GAF. Because that is awful. If you really hurt someone and dont care, well that is verging on sociopathy quite honestly!

I honestly don't give a flying fuck what people think about me, and I think it's like @mindutopia said - its related to trauma. I've been through so much of it in my life, that I am constantly in survival mode. Trust me, a few hurty words, snide glances/comments...whatever....is absolutely bugger all to what I've experienced in the past

When I read the statement "nothing matters and nobody cares".

At first it seemed..bleak but then I realised how true (and how freeing!) it was.

There's very, very little about life that actually matters and very few people notice what you so, as you notice very little of what others do.

??

My Mother raised us to believe we were better than others, sounds a bit awful really but that’s the bottom line. A confident communicator that did well job wise and has a successful and fulfilling love life. I did have a personal tragedy in my life that did knock me for six for a while but turned myself around and decided wallowing in self pity was destructive.

I have always been like this.

Your mum probably meant to it in the sense of rise above, and be the better person. Which is a good thing to teach.

There are days when I panic and go back to my old way of thinking what others will say or do if I don't go along and be a people pleaser but then I remember I don't owe anyone nothing and if they don't want to know me or talk to me etc it's there loss and they are probably not worth knowing in the first place and im also telling my kids to also have the same outlook.

You can just decide not to care. It's incredibly difficult for women because we are socialised to be people pleasers, which involves giving a shit about what other people think of you. I have zero anxiety as well. I just do a thing or not do it. Sometimes I think about options for a while but it isn't in an upsetting or worrying way.

It doesn't mean I never get cross about anything, though!

Reading Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth in my late teens was quite transformative for me in realising me caring or feeling like crap about myself was probably very profitable for someone.

I care much less now than I did when I was younger, but also I just do not have time to think about other people thinking about me. I’m too busy just getting through the day/ work/ kids/ elderly parents to give a shit.

The day I stopped giving a shit was the day my life and state of mind became infinitely healthier. There’s nothing you can do about what other people think. I don’t care what other people are up to either, it’s none of my business.

It doesn't occur to me to wonder what other people think of me. It just doesn't matter. I'm interested in why it does matter so much to some people - can anyone explain that to me?

I think a person must be utterly self-obsessed to worry what others think of them. And the resulting people pleasing behavior is an attempt at manipulation.

Sertraline
Menopause

I've explained why it mattered to me in my earlier post, and others have given their reasons too.

Interesting you think it can only mean they must be self obsessed manipulators. Even after reading this thread, can you really not understand there are other reasons?

Just flip it, OP, and ask yourself why it matters so much to you what other people think? There's probably no good reason. OK, maybe it's important for your boss to have a good opinion of you..... but random people? Neighbours etc? If they are so judgemental, why would you want to waste any time on them?
We can't like everyone, after all. You just do you - it's nobody else's business.

I don’t care but respect their view. I think about this as a concept because I am trying to teach my kids that what other people think doesn’t matter.

Firstly don’t put energy into things that don’t deserve it. Putting energy into things that aren’t positive or make you happy shouldn’t be worth a second thought.

Accept that some people won’t like you and that’s okay. You don’t like everyone and thats okay too. Those people aren’t wrong they just aren’t for you. Focus on the people who are your tribe.

Think forward. If someone says they don’t like something about you. Think about it in context. Are you okay with it? Stay true to yourself or think about if it’s a learning opportunity and move on.

Thinking about past negatives and what people have said is a wasted emotion. As soon as you do it think about whether it’s positive to do so and move on.

Contextualise what people think - it often says more about how they are thinking and feeling than you. If you are polite then their feelings on you are their own.

Honestly, huge amounts of trauma did it for me.

I lost two grandparents, an aunt, two best friends, my brother in law, mother in law, my niece, my cat, my dad, and partner of 15 years all rapidly in just a couple of years. On top of dealing with losing my mobility and learning to deal with constant pain and a few other major stresses.

And now I just don't give a fuck. Life is much shorter than we think it'll be and there is never enough time to do everything we want. I'm not wasting 3 hours of my finite life worrying about how someone will feel about an email when I could be spending it with the (very) few people I have left. Why fear the judgement of other people when there is nothing they can do to me that even comes close to what I've already been through and survived.

I think the key is remembering that, as far as everyone else is concerned, you're not actually that important and they probably aren't thinking about you at all. No one else is reflecting on the minutiae of what you did, so why should you waste energy on it