People who genuinely don’t care what people think - how do you do it??

[Illprobsregretthis]

I heard Katherine Ryan make a joke about having a personality disorder that means she just does not give an F about what people think, and that honestly must be nice! I on the other hand sent an email that could be slightly misconstrued as harsh and worry about it for hours.

People who don’t care; how do you do it?? Or am I destined to be one of life’s over worriers?

It'll hit around 40.

Hit the menopause. Stop giving a fuck.

That’s interesting about the self compassion thing. I do hold myself to quite high standards and it does sometimes take someone pointing out that it’s okay to be self compassionate before I feel I can do it?? Almost like giving myself permission! I could try therapy but tbh I did earlier in my life when I had quite bad OCD triggered by a traumatic event and I didn’t really find it helpful. But maybe I should give it a try again now I’m a bit older?!

Can’t wait!!

Totally agree!

Turning 40, having bad stuff happen, becoming happier in my own skin and not berating myself for not being perfect.

For a long time I cared far too much, but something just finally snapped one day.

I can’t say it’s down to age as I’ve always been a “don’t care what you think “ type person.
So long as you are comfortable with your own boundaries, ethics, standards of fairness etc why would you care what others think. I aim to be a reasonable and considerate human being within that but don’t hold back on saying what needs to be said. My sister is very much the same.

Summed it up so perfectly - it’s almost always childhood stuff that our body loops back to.

Mel Robbins has some excellent episodes that helped me with people pleasing, including this one. Give it a try, OP. It might help!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5hfCoHyQxEilUSrVe75enO?si=byZwZ3HYSk-KYYLLeCQIRA

I guess I look at it like this:

Is this person a major part of my life?
Is this a person I put emotional effort into building a relationship with?
Is this person someone who I really want to keep in my life because they bring happiness and a valuable relationship to my life?

If the answer to any of the above is no…..it’s like water off a duck’s back for me 🤷🏻‍♀️ If I have no emotional investment in the relationship, why should I care what that person thinks of me? Because it neither adds nor takes away anything from my life.

For me, work is work 🤷🏻‍♀️ Obviously I’m respectful, polite and professional to everyone in the workplace, regardless of an outside relationship…..but if something needs to be said in an email that’s maybe a little uncomfortable, I don’t worry about saying it. I’ll word it as politely and professionally as possible, but I’m not going to try and please everyone if it’s an issue that needs resolving and won’t be something everyone is happy with.

Okay what I’m hearing is that I need to age, and read the Mel Robbins book. Will give them both a try 😂

Absolutely agree except for the last bit. Mel Robbins doesn't care that "Let Them" was the property of the poet Cassie Phillips, it's never been credited to her and she's received no payment. 😡

My dad repeated me over and over when I was a child that I should never care what people think about me, that I should care only what my parents think of me. He also instilled on me that I'm equal to a man and that I should never depend on any man even when married, that I should keep working so I can always leave a man whenever I wanted/needed. He was a lawyer so he knew women who experienced domestic violence or just who wouldn't divorce to avoid poverty.

It has helped me a lot because I don't really care what people think. I've forged a career on men's dominated fields and done well. In my marriage we both are equal, both parent equally, share the house chores, etc.

I do think that's important that parents instill in kids since children their behaviour/attitude. I will teach my boy to treat women with respect and as their equals, to do house chores, cook, etc.

I definitely care less with each passing year.

The Book The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson is a great read for this.

I agree that being post menopausal helped enormously. I simply don’t give a fuck about trivial shit.

DM was always ‘stop it…..people are looking…..don’t do that, people will see….people can hear’ etc etc when we were kids so I am constantly worrying about what people think. My sibling gives no shits. They have no stress or worries day to day, whereas I’m an anxious mess. I envy my sibling.

Im post menopausal and I sadly haven’t been able to shake this off.

A few things have helped.
I’m early 30s now and I’d say as soon as I turned 30 I noticed I cared less.
I also heard something once, everyone’s version of me is true to an extent. My DD’s Dad, for example, thinks I’m a fucking bitch, and he’s right, I’ve done nothing wrong to him but I don’t tolerate his bullshit and he hates that.
My DP thinks I’m the bees knees, and he’s absolutely right 😂 my friends, family and some colleagues think I’m great but other colleagues whose bullshit I’ve called out think I’m a dick and they’re right… to them I am a dick in their mind. So instead of fighting the “no I’m not horrible it’s just blah blah blah…” I just don’t care.
I can’t control what people think of me anymore than they can control what I think of them. So I say crack on.

Exactly the same. Having to raise yourself makes you just really very disinterested in what people think, unless they're running at you with an axe it's just 🤷🏼‍♂️

I have to remind myself to care a bit sometimes.

I don't care what people think
Inwas a shy child and did care. Life events changed that.
To be honest I don't really do anything contraversial though, and my dress sense isnt out there. So I dont really do anything that people can have a major opinion about me for.
But i literally coudnt give teo fucks if someone likes me or thinks I am odd or boring etc.
I do admire people who have loud and contraversial opinions and personalities and arent afraid to stand up for them, whether I agree with them or not.

When i gave up caring what others thought i started to live better.
I dont care what anyone thinks about me.
I also dont care how blunt i am i say it how i see it i wont sugar coat it.

She does care. Look what she’s done to her own face.

I think it’s hilarious how people bitch about ‘Main Character Syndrome’ on here. You’re supposed to be your own main character — who else would your main character be, for God’s sake?

And being your own main character means you are the most important person in your own life. Part of that means recognising that you live up to your own ethical and behavioural standards, not other people’s, and that you cannot control other people’s responses to you. That you’re ok with being disliked. That you recognise that people-pleasing doesn’t work, and just means you can’t deal with the discomfort of saying ‘No’, that you’d rather feel the suppressed resentment when doing things you don’t want to for other people doesn’t get you esteem and love.

Was just going to say this.... menopause..that's the answer. Oestrogen...great for skin...bad for people's pleasing 😁

100% agree. I think of some of the situations I allowed myself to be involved in 20 years ago, and how differently I’d deal with it if it happened now. I just think if someone I don’t know or care about chooses to dislike me or pick an argument with me, does it really matter? No.

That’s awful, I had no idea. Did MR develop it or steal the whole property? Poet should absolutely be credited at the very least.

I think you get to a point in life where you are just tired of giving a fuck

When I was younger I cared SO much what people thought of me. Whether they liked me. I'd do anything to be liked.

Only I wasn't liked. I was seen as a doormat. I was used. People didn't respect me

Then I got to a point where I'd had enough and I had to ask myself why I cared about people who didn't care at all about me. Why I was setting myself on fire to keep other people warm.

Oh no but people will be CROSS with me i used to think. Because someone being cross with me was terrifying. (That was my childhood. My mum did a real number on me!)

Until it wasn't (terrifying). So someone's annoyed. And? So what? What are they going to do? Stop talking to me, stop using me, stop demanding I bend over backwards for them? Don't threaten me with a good time.

So I started saying no to things I didn't want to do.

I started doing things i wanted to do sometimes.
I stopped acting like I didn't deserve anything.

The people who didn't like the fact that I wasn't a doormat any more had tantrums about it, then melted away and my life is so much better for it.

The fear of something is almost always worse than the reality of it.