Would you be interested in multi-generation living?

[CanadianJohn]

I have relatives in England. They have bought a very large house in the country (about 4 miles from a small city), and remodelled it so it has three entirely separate homes; separate entrances, living areas, kitchens, bathrooms, etc. The house was originally built as a small hotel/conference centre.

• They (in their 50's) live in one part;
• her parents (in their late 70's) live in another part;
• the third part is occupied by their daughter, her partner, and their children.

I have no idea how they work out "rent", etc.

Would you like to live like this, or would you prefer more distance from your relatives?

No. My mum started looking at houses to move to when I was early twenties. She found one that she declared would be perfect for ‘us’ as the upstairs had its own living room so I could have that for myself. I asked if I’d ever be allowed to spend time in it and she laughed and said no. She would demand my company whenever I was home and living back together wouldn’t have changed that.

I know someone who did it really badly- no proper discussion with parents about how they would all live, pay for things, look after the children etc. Lasted a year and her marriage ended.

No.
Just that.

Rarely works out well for all parties. I have known a few people who have tried this often for financial reasons and it’s hasn’t worked, and then they are stuck, it can lead to resentment. I know it wouldn’t be something I would consider.

In the ideal world where everyone is kind it sounds lovely. But in reality with siblings your not close to due to parents divorce in childhood and all the jealousy that brings. In laws who keep you at arms length and judgemental.

I see other families do it and it looks wonderful.

Hell no, even if it meant i could live rent free!!

If it’s as separate as you say, yes. So long as one is not my mother.

For most of 20 years I lived in one house, no separation. One kitchen, one door, one bathroom, up to 4 generations …husband, his parents and his grandmother, our children . I would not do that again. I didn’t want to do that at the time. His parents were the nightmare. I ended up buying a static caravan for me and another as bedrooms for my sons, until I could leave, 7 years later. The ex always promised he was going to convert the stables, barn and wee byre side of the steading into a house for us. Future faking .

We are contemplating this BUT on a large plot of land, 4 detached homes with large hedges/fences between and not over looked.
Our children are up for it ( both adults and oldest has stated he will sell his house to fund his build), and my best friend.
DH does have a construction company that specialises in 'unusual' homes.

I say this to people all the time - it needs a lot of discussion.

And people often discuss the big things, but not the small things when it's generally the small things that annoy the shit out of you every single day.

A couple of friends of mine laughed when MiL discussed, in detail, shopping and cooking things. People find it hilarious that we have cupboard ketchup and fridge ketchup, but just imagine if the ketchup was in the wrong place every single time... that's the niggles that fester and eventually blow

In the interests of self protection, not a chance. I’ve only got my DF left and he’s a nightmare - I couldn’t see him every day without losing my mind.

Done it. Worked brilliantly, meant my husband could work a very well paid job away from home.
i could be a stay at home mum and run a farm with full time childcare.
no regrets on that side of it

DS lives in Turkey with his wife, his PIL AND the two grandmothers. Its really lovely actually. They all care for and about each other. The Auntie lives next door too. Meanwhile I’m sat here on my tod with the cats. I know which I’d prefer tbh.

I've often thought about this when I've seen large houses in the country with massive gardens. But then I think of the reality. Someone would shirk their gardening duties or something, or say they couldn't afford to pay for their share of his that or the other upgrade or repair. If you had to share one kitchen it would be like a student house with everyone coming and going all the time, never clean and tidy at the same time, someone leaving mess and leaving it for someone else to do etc etc.

The only way that it would work is for everyone to have their own set of apartments like the Royal Family in the palaces or something, but you'd also need a room big enough that could accommodate everyone if you wanted to have a shared gathering.

The house would NEVER be peaceful. There would always be someone coming or going or inviting friends or boyfriends/girlfriends round. It wouldn't be for introverts.

It would have to be near everyone's place of work/school/transport/childcare, shops. Unlikely in the "rural house" scenario.

And what happens to the other side of the family? inlaws? Won't they get jealous?

Plus, what happens if someone wants out? Divorces, dies, loses their job and has to move away to another part of the country.

It depends on the characters involved.

My friend (plus her DH and DS) did this with her mother and father, and it turned out to be a living hell. Father a narcissist through and through.

They had separate properties with lots of space (1.5 acres) and it was the biggest mistake she ever made. All sold now and she’s £150k out of pocket.

Actually in my city pre 1970s often working class families lived in the same area, in the next street or even a few doors down. That sounds a better compromise to me. Everyone has their own space but you can pop in and out easily for a cuppa if you want company/support/help with childcare/borrow something.

Like someone said it actually helped to deter antisocial behaviour, because if you were likely to see one of your relatives or someone who knew one of your relatives out and about you wouldn't want to risk misbehaving and getting found out.

It's a shame in some ways that the community aspect of our home lives has disappeared in most parts of the British Isles, although from what I hear from my Irish friends in some parts of Ireland there are lots of families who like to live very close to their relatives.

If the house was huge, yes.

Yes. My parents presently live 4-5 hours from us. My father has incurable cancer and a poor prognosis. My mother will be alone when the end comes, and that will be hard for her. She is a little bossy, but her heart is in the right place and she loves her grandchildren. She is a very hardworking, practical person who thrives on keeping busy, but is prone to depression and occasionally drinking too much when she is too much alone. I am disorganised, have a house that's cluttered and falling apart, a disinterested husband and two lovely but full-on small children who could do with more attention than they get. I can't progress at work as I'd like to because I do absolutely fucking everything (badly) at home. I am drowning.

Both my mother and I agree that the best thing when life is shit is to keep so busy that you're exhausted at the end of the day and sleep comes easily. At the moment, working and caring for small children takes up so much of my emotional and physical energy that I don't have time to think about how shit a lot of things are. I very much live in the moment. My mother doesn't have that - she has too much time on her hands and lies awake thinking about the future and it's not good for her. While I have no desire to put my mother to work or anything like that, she benefits from keeping busy and there is a lot to be done here. I'd enjoy the company and she'd enjoy spending more time with the kids. There's nothing like young children for completely knackering you out so that sleep comes easily.

I don't think living in the same house would necessarily work best for us though. The best solution would be at least separate entrances and living space so that she could be involved with us as much as she chose, and then retreat and ignore us if she needed some rest time.

I would, sort of do currently and will do in the future.
We have just finished knocking our cottage into the one next door that we bought, added a huge extension and converted two outbuildings close to our house.
It is set up as separate sleeping and small living/kitchen areas either within our main building or in separate ones.
We currently have my former PILs staying a week every month (they live over 3 hrs away)
My Dad, stepmum and their 2 children (my adorable half brother and sister) stay a long w/e most months
My Mum and her partner also stay roughly once a month for a few days
My grandparents, Dhs parents and his grandparents all live close by .
We love it, our 5 kids love it, we have a full, busy, noisy musical house and everyone gets along so well. House rules/ground rules have always been in place and everyone respects them.
The plan for the future is that my grandparents and my former inlaws will, when the time comes, move in with/beside us

Isn't this how it works in Asian countries? I can see it working well but at the same time working very badly, it depends on the individuals and how they get along together. One advantage is that the caring duties for the eldest if they are infirm can be spread amongst multiple people rather than it all falling on one person as often happens. It can also work the other way, there may be multiple people who can look after the children which makes social activities for the parents easier, effectively you have babysitters on site (mostly) ready to step in when needed.

It's very common in my bit of Italy...families build like a small block of flats (2 or 3 floors) with a nice garden and each generation has a floor...the grandparents live on the ground floor and when they pass on it goes to a grown up grandchild or to the middle generation (who move downstairs, so they don't have to move again when they are older).

I live a 15 min drive away from my parents, and so does my brother (in the opposite direction). Ideally I'd like it if we could all live within a 15 min walk of each other.

Living next door to each other in completely separate houses with shedloads of money sounds absolutely fine, but I don’t think it’s most people’s idea of multigenerational living. I’d definitely say yes to the first option.

This is my worst nightmare! My home is my sanctuary, and I wouldn't share it with anyone other than DH. The lack of privacy would make me ill.

That's lovely

No, I have no interest in living with anyone other than DH, the dog and the cat.

@DelphiniumDoreen If I'm completely honest, I'd like to live on my own - with DH, children and dog down the street. 😆The idea of having my own space with just my own things in it and no one else clattering around, rummaging in the fridge, waking me up early because they need a wee (dog) sounds blissful!