No more two tier weddings solution

[Pingiop]

MN stirs up a wide variety of opinions when it comes to weddings. Recent thread was a poster saying they weren’t going to attend evening invites anymore as they viewed it as a diss.

Not all people invited will be close to the couple and not everyone will invited to the day and night celebrations. People on these threads have suggested that the couple only have the wedding they can afford. Not to have the nice fancy dream wedding they have saved years for but to downgrade the venue so that this D list acquaintances can attend.

So in the solution of only having the wedding you can afford, it can be proposed that all couples only invite their chosen guests to both day and night celebrations, this will of course mean most people who aren’t regarded as close friends and family, so D list acquaintances, will never attend a wedding again unless the couple are rich and can afford to invite everyone. Is this a sensible solution to unreasonable entitled behaviour?

Another one I’ve never known anyone have an issue with in real life.

My DH and I attended numerous wedding evenings throughout our ‘20s, they were great fun, lovely to go out dancing and drinking on Saturday nights. However, most were local, so didn’t involve expensive travel/overnight stays.

I genuinely always felt the people we are closest to invited us to the whole day, and those who invited us to the evening it was sometimes actually a lovely bonus to be invited at all, eg a sibling of my DH’s best friend, an old school friend I no longer saw regularly. I actually thought it was a lovely gesture and chance to re-connect.

I guess thinking about it I would have found it odd to be evening-only for somebody who’s hen do I’d attended, as always got whole day invites from those friends. Unless they were only having family to the day event, of course.

At our own wedding we had 90 guests all day, providing a 3 course wedding breakfast, plenty of alcohol etc. We then had another 40 arrive from 7-12pm for a cheeseboard and wedding cake. I communicated to guests that they should eat dinner beforehand, and only invited a big, local group (basically all our work colleagues, who all know each other and were all happy to party together like at our Christmas do!) Nobody declined or communicated any issue with this, they seemed delighted to be included.

Overall, I think if you receive an evening invite and don’t want to attend, you are free to politely decline the invitation.

I've been "Barbara". I happily went because it sounded like a nice evening out and I am perfectly capable of understanding that I am not the closest person to the couple but they wanted to invite me to the evening.

I am not so insistent on my own importance, nor am I so fragile to be offended by not being invited to the meal that I was able to enjoy myself like any other invitation to a party. Had I not wanted to go I wouldn't have done and no offence would have been g8ven on either side.

Once we even made a whole weekend of an evening invitation. Found a lovely farmhouse B&B nearby, had a nice walk in the country with a picnic in the day then changed for the evening and had a great time then too. Crazy folk that we are enjoying ourselves.

You can pretend to misunderstand all you like, but there is no denying it is socially inept to openly rank your friends in any circumstances.

But it isn't. Everyone ranks their closeness to people all the time. In who they keep in touch with more regularly, with who they buy birthday presents for or not, with how often they see them etc.

I completely understand every couple has differing situations regarding family size, number of friends, budget etc. I wouldn't judge anyone for having a smaller wedding and evening do later, but personally it's not something I would do (or rather, didn't do) nor advocate.

I posted on that thread to talk about my experiences of them - being invited only to the evening or having guests show up later at a wedding I was at all day, and my personal experience is that I've enjoyed them much more when all guests have attended the whole thing (which is, as it happens, by far the majority of the weddings I've attended).

It's my view, not a slagging off of other people's decisions.

Sure but there's something really public about this

As I said up thread, when it's an entire group - e.g
all colleagues or the whole book group or whatever, I think that makes it a lot better. But the couple of weddings that I have gone to where half the friendship group is invited to the ceremony and then has to go away and come back in the evening and the other half stays for the meal in between, that's a very public and explicit "who matters to me" statement and it's rude

In the same way, I give birthday presents only to a couple of very close friends but I wouldn't hand over a nice present to one friend in front of another friend who I don't exchange gifts with. Or say I wouldn't talk endlessly about a weekend away with 2 friends in front of a third who we hadn't invited.

I find people who can’t understand that some friendships are closer than others quite socially inept. It’s a basic understanding that even a 5 year old can understand that not all friendships hold the same weight.

You’re right. The topics obviously touched a nerve with some people.

Two tiered weddings aren't a thing in Australia. You're either invited or not. They do drag on, though. Usually an afternoon ceremony then sit around until the reception as couple go off to get photos done. It's dull.

There's still angst at invites. SIL managed to permanently split the entire family by cherry picking who to invite, so she could afford a fancy venue. In their culture you just didn't do that. Another cousin was upset because they tried an approach where each family branch had to pick one couple to attend their destination wedding. No one went. No one was offended, just a lot of money & effort for a 'we don't care who' invite.

My cousin had their wedding locally and invited DB & other non local family, but not me or my parents. Now dead to me after seeing SF's face & DM repeat she didn't care (while crying).

We had a simple hall, simple food & limited bar. Invited everyone, all happy. Would have been perfect if SIL & MIL hadn't kicked off....

I'll be encouraging my DC to elope or just immediate family & close friends.

😆

Don't worry I absolutely knew what you meant.

However, evening invitations are not a sign of socially ineptitude.Being invited to any part of a wedding is a sign that the couple values you enough to include you in their celebration — even if it’s not the whole day. Taking it as a personal insult says more about the person’s expectations or sense of entitlement than about the couple’s social capabilities.

Not every friendship falls into the extremes of “nothing” or “bosom buddies.” Life is full of connections that exist in between, and expecting to be treated like the main character in everyone’s story suggests a bit of social ineptitude.

Thankfully, most people have learnt how to navigate friendships with some self-awareness and humility. Those that haven't seem to be attracted to these type of threads like bees to a honey pot.

That is nuanced and it isn’t actually ranking people. I like doing different things with different people. I have people I see more of and people I have a deep long lasting friendship with but see rarely.

A two tier wedding is basically sending out an email to all your friends and acquaintances listing them as group A or B friends. Obviously, some people really won’t care that they are in group B, but it is a weird thing to do. Unless you are someone your guests really don’t care about, some people are going to feel a bit hurt.

Well said

I had an evening invite to a wedding recently. It was from a local woman I know through a hobby, a lot younger than me, who hasn't lived in the area that long. I wasn't offended, I was happy to go along with DH & we had a lovely evening.

Yes, I’m sure all your friends felt humble gratitude at being invited to your evening do.

But loads of those people won't actually cross over. People aren't splitting one homogeneous group in half. They're inviting different people that they know in different ways to the evening.

I've been invited to evenings by a work colleague (one other person from work was invited to the whole day, obviously someone bride was much closer to), friends of friends where we do only k ow them via another couple. That other couple were invited to the whole day and we were to the evening. Makes sense, not at all offensive. Lastly the parents of a school friend of DD. Only known them about 18 months, never actually met the groom before then, 4 of us invited with our DDs who are all school friends.

Nobody is going "well we have those 9 people we've known since university and with their partners that have them that's 16 so let's pick 10 of them out of a hat for the whole day and invite the other 6 later"

A weird thing to do for you but yet people do it and most people don’t have an issue with it. I find it more weird that acquaintances expect to be invited to the whole day then sulk when they are not. That’s very weird behaviour.

I didn't do two tier, I invited everyone and asked if they couldn't stay to let me know (as the dinner was the expensive part). I don't understand why people take such offence to this, personally it's great, you get to go to the fun bit. Also it's a way people get to invite all the people they want there if they have a limited budget. Let's face it, we all would rather invite friends over many family members which obviously you can't do, at least this gets around it. Feel honoured someone wanted you to be part of their special day!

Nobody is going "well we have those 9 people we've known since university and with their partners that have them that's 16 so let's pick 10 of them out of a hat for the whole day and invite the other 6 later"

I have had pretty much exactly this experience - it does happen!

I’m not married and have no intention of ever doing so, but yeh, Bridezilla.

Barbara doesn’t have to go to the evening do if she doesn’t want. It’s an invitation, not a threat.

They obviously didn't consider some of the people as equally close over the years. A bit sad for the evening invitees to realise that but still not unreasonable. And if they want to step back from any efforts they are making that's fine too.

See I disagree. My group B would actually be the ones that I want to enjoy the night with and technically my A list. The group A as you suggest would be mostly family that I feel obligated to invite. It's odd that people can be so put out by this, I wouldn't be offended at all.

In other words Barbara’s knickers aren’t twisted, it’s just a random invite; nor does the bride have to invite people from work she hardly knows.

Well it seems like the other friends were more closer. You can have closer friends in a friendship group, again not everyone holds the same weight. And you would have known when you were invited to the wedding that you would be waiting around and who was invited to which part of the wedding so that’s on you to decide to go or not.

In the real world people don’t mind! The problem is down to venue locations I find, if you marry where you live, your colleagues, acquaintances from clubs etc are more than happy to come along to evening receptions, for us we had about 35 extra people come along, no issues with bringing partners and kids as plenty of space and we had a free bar, they are all people we see regularly but in all honesty if we moved would not keep in touch because they are friends due to circumstances if that makes sense. Reception was 200m from my house!

if you choose a venue which requires travel by car, no late night public transport, hotel required etc and a distance away then an evening invite is a bit of a stretch, I would not travel more than £25 in a taxi or an hour by public transport to an evening do as it’s just a party and I want to have a drink and enjoy myself, certainly wouldn’t pay for a hotel for just the evening.

Exactly. So there's no offence anywhere.

Bride doesn't have to invite Barbara but it's nice that she did. Barbara has no reason to be affronted about not being invited to the whole day and can choose to accept based entirely on whether she fancies it or not. If she doesn't she doesn't go and nobody any point has behaved in any way unreasonably. Hurrah!.