No more two tier weddings solution

[Pingiop]

MN stirs up a wide variety of opinions when it comes to weddings. Recent thread was a poster saying they weren’t going to attend evening invites anymore as they viewed it as a diss.

Not all people invited will be close to the couple and not everyone will invited to the day and night celebrations. People on these threads have suggested that the couple only have the wedding they can afford. Not to have the nice fancy dream wedding they have saved years for but to downgrade the venue so that this D list acquaintances can attend.

So in the solution of only having the wedding you can afford, it can be proposed that all couples only invite their chosen guests to both day and night celebrations, this will of course mean most people who aren’t regarded as close friends and family, so D list acquaintances, will never attend a wedding again unless the couple are rich and can afford to invite everyone. Is this a sensible solution to unreasonable entitled behaviour?

But it was that or not get invited? So you would have been upset at that even more no? Not every work colleague holds equal importance. I have work friends who I’m very close to, goddaughter of one, go on holiday together in our group etc. So why shouldn’t I invite them but not invite others who I’m not friends with?

You do for most weddings now as they are in private establishments and you really cannot just turn up and insist on going in , and I wouldn’t anyhow even if it were at a church as I think it’s very rude to go without an invitation .

It’s embarrassing, that’s what it is. Who on earth goes to a wedding ceremony uninvited ?

Well I'm nearly 60 and evening receptions were very much normal when I was growing up. It's taking offence to them that's a new thing to me.
Maybe there's some element of regional variation, I don't know, but in the working class Northern towns where I grew up in the 70s/80s the standard procedure was Church followed by a sit down meal which would be attended by family members and close friends only and then an "evening do" with a buffet to which friends, neighbours, work colleagues etc were invited. Most people didn't expect to be invited to the sit down meal unless they were relatives or very close to the bride and groom but it was common to invite quite large numbers to the evening.
If I get an evening only invitation from a friend or colleague I'm not offended that I'm not important enough to be invited to the whole day, I'm pleased that they think enough of me to want me to share in any part of their wedding day. I probably wouldn't travel a long distance for an evening reception and I certainly wouldn't stay overnight, but if it's local I'll go along for a bit. If someone's been kind enough to include me and it's not too difficult to get there then I'll show up. That's what weddings were like in my youth and it seems completely normal to me. If other people feel differently about such invitations then just don't go, there's no need for any drama.

Yes, you really can turn up and insist on going in. If you want to.

Ensuring public access and providing clear signage as to where the ceremony is talking place is a condition of the venue’s wedding licence.

Conditions

You also need to make sure that the proceedings:

• are freely open to the public

https://www.gov.uk/find-licences/approval-of-premises-for-civil-marriage-or-civil-partnership

No absolutely not. I'd much prefer not to be invited at all unless it was to the whole thing. To be frank, I would not expect a colleague to invite me to their wedding.

At least five people came to mine. They knew me when I was child.

It was lovely

I think you’ll be in the minority with that. If it’s a venue that has limited capacity, I definitely wouldn’t be happy that people just showed up uninvited and others who were invited and travelled weren’t allowed in. I would quite frankly order them out.

But in the case with what happened with your friend, you would have rather not been invited than just go to the evening then?

I think the dislike of evening dos is an English thing, not a British thing.

Super common in Scotland for weddings to have an evening do.

Used to be miffed as a youngster when my grandparents (who I lived with) were invited all day, but I was only invited at night.

Then since my teens often been delighted at only being invited at night!

Of all the Scottish weddings I've been to only two didn't have evening guests. One was a huge wedding of 400 people and the other was 8 people in total.

I'm not British so I've never understood the concept of day vs night only guests. Where I'm from everyone is invited to the whole event.
I would have no issue with only being invited to the night, weddings are expensive.

I've never been to a day and night wedding and find the concept odd at best. I'm in camp night invitation really means you are not part of the valued friendship group and would reassess my commitment to that friendship if I viewed you as more than an acquaintance prior to that point. Acquaintance = evening invite; friend = wedding invite. I think it's pretty clear and those suggesting otherwise are disingenuous.

Before people cry registry wedding - that's fine. Apart from the witnesses, everyone else is in the same invitation category.

But if they view you as an acquaintance, I highly doubt they would be that bothered if you were to reassess the friendship. Some people think spouses and partners should be automatically invited to the wedding even if they have no friendship with the person getting married and some were not attend. Which I think is a bit ridiculous if you’ve only been with your partner a short amount of time.

So you're agreeing evening invites are for acquaintances? Real friends get wedding invites?

Inviting partners is basic courtesy. There's this wedding culture these days where people want to present a certain appearance and affluence that they do not possess. This leads to ignoring what used to be considered to be manners.

So you're agreeing evening invites are for acquaintances? Real friends get wedding invites?
Apart from most people not having a hard categorisation of the people they know into two list heading Friends and Acquaintances then yes, evening only invitations are for people you are less close to. Which isn't offensive to me. I'm quite happy being an evening guest. When I have been it's been to the weddings of colleagues or friends of friends.

Read my thread and then come back to me.

I don’t really see how having a wedding and only inviting who you want there presents a certain appearance and affluence. You don’t need lots of money to have a wedding, this thread clearly supports that. I do find it rather odd that people seem to be obsessed with being invited to everything these days and take great offence when they are not, I find it just shows how bitter and self entitled they are. But I guess them type of self absorbed people are probably use to not being invited to events anyways. I think most couples who are getting married these days realise that setting boundaries are important and probably don’t care if they come cross as having no manners. They will be more focused on the people who are happy to be invited than the others that are rude about only being invited to the evening do.

This second para nails it for me. If my own sister had a huge daytime wedding and only invited me to the evening then I would be hurt. But this would never happen! The reality is that if I had an evening invite it would likely be from someone who I'm friends with but not in their closest circle, or a colleague, and I'd be flattered to be invited. Obviously I know that their family are more important than me to them...and that they have friends they are closer to etc....exactly like I do! It doesn't make me any less of a person that I'm not the main character in someone else's life.

I don’t really understand why they’re insulting. Most people have the maximum number of day guests that they can afford. An evening do invite is a way of including additional people you can’t afford to host all day. Most of them aren’t people who would ever expect a day invite anyway (colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances etc) so it’s a nice extra not a demotion.

I can understand why it’s upsetting to be invited just to the evening do if you believed you were close enough to be invited all day. But if you don’t have evening guests, there’s still a “two tier” friendship ranking (if you believe in that nonsense). It’s just that it becomes invited/not invited rather than day/evening guest. And “not invited at all” is more hurtful to me than “invited to some of it”.

We had some friends mums come to ours uninvited - it was lovely that they cared and were interested.

Well I'm nearly 60 and evening receptions were very much normal when I was growing up. It's taking offence to them that's a new thing to me.

Also, from another post, I agree with this. I’m southern too, so it’s not regional.

It’s not an English thing, it’s a mumsnet thing 😉

Is it a class thing? I would feel quite awkward if I were to be invited by a colleague or neighbour for the whole day. It would suggest that they see us as closer than we actually are.

Where I’m from daytime + evening dos have always been the norm. They’re usually local to the couple who traditionally were from the same area. These days, people meet all over which often means travelling to the hometown of the bride, or some random destination. I agree that I wouldn’t drive 200 miles for an evening do, I would decline the invite.

I much prefer an evening only invite. Ideally I’d attend the ceremony, and come back in the evening. I don’t enjoy the part in-between (often 6 hours of standing round with an hour for a meal. I hate forced conversations with people I am not close to). The evening is the fun part.

The 'does anyone know of any just impediment why these people should not be joined together....' is an important part of the ceremony. It's unlikely that anyone wanting to stop the wedding will have been invited. Hence the legal requirement for the public to have access to the ceremony.

It’s admirable you were so chill about it 😂

I was born in the north and also agree. No idea where this entitlement has came from? I wonder if it’s age related thing? The person who you quoted said they were nearly 60 and has no issue with it, I’m a millennial and have no issue with it. So maybe the people in between that? Would be interesting to find out if it is age related or even a class thing or just a random entitlement thing?

Is it a main character thing, for those that find it dreadful to be invited to something?

Can't figue it out- I've been to loads of wedding afters and not managed to get insulted by any of them. Even seen a general invitation (well more display of details) being pinned to a noticeboard - im guessing that would render some on here speechless with rage their diamond entrusted invitation to the entire day (including being involved with the bride getting ready) wasn't delivered by doves.

I literally just posted if it could be an age or class thing 😂 Maybe we are on to something?