Page 4 | No more two tier weddings solution

Pingiop · 2025-06-27T21:09:48+00:00

MN stirs up a wide variety of opinions when it comes to weddings. Recent thread was a poster saying they weren’t going to attend evening invites anymore as they viewed it as a diss. Not all people invited will be close to the couple and not everyone will invited to the day and night celebrations. People on these threads have suggested that the couple only have the wedding they can afford. Not to have the nice fancy dream wedding they have saved years for but to downgrade the venue so that this D list acquaintances can attend. So in the solution of only having the wedding you can afford, it can be proposed that all couples only invite their chosen guests to both day and night celebrations, this will of course mean most people who aren’t regarded as close friends and family, so D list acquaintances, will never attend a wedding again unless the couple are rich and can afford to invite everyone. Is this a sensible solution to unreasonable entitled behaviour?

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:11

MsFelicityLemon · 28/06/2025 07:08

Is it a main character thing, for those that find it dreadful to be invited to something?

Can't figue it out- I've been to loads of wedding afters and not managed to get insulted by any of them. Even seen a general invitation (well more display of details) being pinned to a noticeboard - im guessing that would render some on here speechless with rage their diamond entrusted invitation to the entire day (including being involved with the bride getting ready) wasn't delivered by doves.

😂😂😂but yes definitely main character energy I suspect.

OP posts:

Pricelessadvice · 28/06/2025 07:12

I found the weirdness about day and evening invites odd. The bride and groom are the main characters for the day, not work colleague Barbara who gets her knickers in a twist because she’s not been invited to the day part (likely because she’s not known the happy couple as long as their family and very close friends…)

The ceremony and day stuff is usually very limited in numbers. Of course only family and very close friends will be invited to that.

The sense of entitlement from some people on this forum is crazy. The world does not revolve around you on someone else’s wedding day.

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:14

CloverPyramid · 28/06/2025 06:38

I don’t really understand why they’re insulting. Most people have the maximum number of day guests that they can afford. An evening do invite is a way of including additional people you can’t afford to host all day. Most of them aren’t people who would ever expect a day invite anyway (colleagues, neighbours, acquaintances etc) so it’s a nice extra not a demotion.

I can understand why it’s upsetting to be invited just to the evening do if you believed you were close enough to be invited all day. But if you don’t have evening guests, there’s still a “two tier” friendship ranking (if you believe in that nonsense). It’s just that it becomes invited/not invited rather than day/evening guest. And “not invited at all” is more hurtful to me than “invited to some of it”.

Edited

Yeah I agree, it seems a lot of people are just spitting their dummy out and throwing a hissy fit by sting they would not attend. But like you said, surely it’s worse to not get invited at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:15

Pricelessadvice · 28/06/2025 07:12

I found the weirdness about day and evening invites odd. The bride and groom are the main characters for the day, not work colleague Barbara who gets her knickers in a twist because she’s not been invited to the day part (likely because she’s not known the happy couple as long as their family and very close friends…)

The ceremony and day stuff is usually very limited in numbers. Of course only family and very close friends will be invited to that.

The sense of entitlement from some people on this forum is crazy. The world does not revolve around you on someone else’s wedding day.

Priceless advice 👌🏽

OP posts:

Radra · 28/06/2025 07:24

For me, it all depends on how it's done.

I have been invited to local evening dos as part of a group that all have evening invites - e.g. group of colleague - and this is fine, you don't feel left out or an add on as there is a whole gang of you.

I have also been invited to the ceremony and the evening but not the meal in between - which feels very different and much more awkward. In particular, twice had the experience where half of our friendship group was invited for the full day and half for the ceremony. That feels awkward! One of these, there were 250 people at the ceremony and afterwards we were two of 10 sent away to come back for the evening and had to wait outside as speeches ran late, everyone stayed in their seats, we stood awkwardly round the edge. With those, yeah I would rather not have had an invite.

The other thing that makes a difference to me is hospitality and gift expectations. We went to one evening do with a cash bar and no food. It was local and that was fine but I did think it was rude to be sent the gift registry in the invite and then again by text...

countrygirl99 · 28/06/2025 07:27

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/06/2025 23:00

This is how weddings used to be! The day/night thing is relatively recent IME - maybe a millenial thing.?

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They were the norm when we married in 1981

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 28/06/2025 07:35

We are from a large family, venues in the UK typically don’t accommodate for large numbers, largest we found was 130. So we had 130 in the day and another 50ish at night.Everyone was fed well (food left over) everyone had drinks and fab evening was had.

I think the bad evening do’s are when they start late, not well catered, expensive bar. One bacon roll per person is tight

MaturingCheeseball · 28/06/2025 07:37

There are also the MNetters who go bonkers that their six dcs aren’t invited to the whole day. If you can’t get childcare or feel mortally offended, just say no thank you!

I went to a child-free wedding last week. Do you know - it was really nice to catch up/have a laugh/dance with relatives you’d not seen for yonks. If they’d had their dcs there the focus would have been very different.

IdiottoGoa · 28/06/2025 07:37

I’ve never been to a single wedding without an evening do, and I’m mid 50s. My kids weddings had an evening do (both in the last 10 years) and my parents did in 1971. I don’t think it’s an age thing.

I genuinely think the evening do fury is a mumsnet thing. Kind of like the thread about a sex toy the other day that they couldn’t admit in real life, there are opinions about things that I only ever hear on mumsnet because they are a bit embarrassing, evening do’s, drying your washing where people can see and toilet brushes.

Edit: that was light hearted by the way and I’m not wearing glasses so apologies for any typos

whynotmereally · 28/06/2025 07:38

I saved costs on my wedding by getting married in a cheaper town Ona Friday. Having a hog roast instead of a sit down meal. Making our own favours/invites/ sweetie table/ table decs. We had a family member make the cake, the photographer was a student who came for 3 hours , I got my wedding dress from an outlet, bought bridesmaids dresses high street. Lots of corners cut. We had 80 attend (all our family and close friends) and total came in under 6k (8 years ago)

Still expensive but more manageable

Neemie · 28/06/2025 07:39

I have always thought it was a socially inept thing to do. How can it not be really?

MaturingCheeseball · 28/06/2025 07:41

@IdiottoGoa - I’ve been on MN over 20 years and at first I was thinking it’s me that’s out of step: no one visiting new babies, “our little family”, not answering the door, “logging with 101” - there’s a lot of madness out there!

Mirabai · 28/06/2025 07:46

Itstwelveoclocksomewhere · 27/06/2025 22:54

I think its quite a slight to be invited to only the evening part of the wedding. If not close enough to attend the wedding ceremony, then why would someone want to go to the bother of dressing up, buying a gift and making the 'party' bigger.

Someone mentioned that work colleagues might not be close enough to attend the ceremony but if a work colleague wasn't a friend, why on earth ask them to attend something so they can see you dance with your family around you.

Have something smaller or have something cheaper and invite only real friends.

Edited

Right. Either work colleagues are friends in which case invite them, or they’re not so don’t. But inviting work colleagues to pitch up at the tail end of social event with a bunch of sloshed relatives seems really odd. Especially now some think cash bars are acceptable so you’re even asking them to pay for the privilege.

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:47

Radra · 28/06/2025 07:24

For me, it all depends on how it's done.

I have been invited to local evening dos as part of a group that all have evening invites - e.g. group of colleague - and this is fine, you don't feel left out or an add on as there is a whole gang of you.

I have also been invited to the ceremony and the evening but not the meal in between - which feels very different and much more awkward. In particular, twice had the experience where half of our friendship group was invited for the full day and half for the ceremony. That feels awkward! One of these, there were 250 people at the ceremony and afterwards we were two of 10 sent away to come back for the evening and had to wait outside as speeches ran late, everyone stayed in their seats, we stood awkwardly round the edge. With those, yeah I would rather not have had an invite.

The other thing that makes a difference to me is hospitality and gift expectations. We went to one evening do with a cash bar and no food. It was local and that was fine but I did think it was rude to be sent the gift registry in the invite and then again by text...

I’ve never heard of not being invited to the meal in between. Surely would you have known when you accepted you would be waiting around though?

OP posts:

Mirabai · 28/06/2025 07:50

RuthChrisSt · 28/06/2025 02:08

I'm not British so I've never understood the concept of day vs night only guests. Where I'm from everyone is invited to the whole event.
I would have no issue with only being invited to the night, weddings are expensive.

It does seem to be a British thing. I have French and Indian relatives and everyone is invited to everything.

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:51

MaturingCheeseball · 28/06/2025 07:37

There are also the MNetters who go bonkers that their six dcs aren’t invited to the whole day. If you can’t get childcare or feel mortally offended, just say no thank you!

I went to a child-free wedding last week. Do you know - it was really nice to catch up/have a laugh/dance with relatives you’d not seen for yonks. If they’d had their dcs there the focus would have been very different.

Ah don’t get me started on the entitlement of guests at Childfree weddings. I don’t get how some people can’t understand why a couple might choose to have one. Comments on some of the threads are WILD

OP posts:

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:54

IdiottoGoa · 28/06/2025 07:37

I’ve never been to a single wedding without an evening do, and I’m mid 50s. My kids weddings had an evening do (both in the last 10 years) and my parents did in 1971. I don’t think it’s an age thing.

I genuinely think the evening do fury is a mumsnet thing. Kind of like the thread about a sex toy the other day that they couldn’t admit in real life, there are opinions about things that I only ever hear on mumsnet because they are a bit embarrassing, evening do’s, drying your washing where people can see and toilet brushes.

Edit: that was light hearted by the way and I’m not wearing glasses so apologies for any typos

Edited

Could be a class thing? I have no idea what it is. Sounds like some Mumsnet users are just uptight.

OP posts:

ExtensivelyDecorating · 28/06/2025 07:54

AgeingDoc · 28/06/2025 01:02

Well I'm nearly 60 and evening receptions were very much normal when I was growing up. It's taking offence to them that's a new thing to me.
Maybe there's some element of regional variation, I don't know, but in the working class Northern towns where I grew up in the 70s/80s the standard procedure was Church followed by a sit down meal which would be attended by family members and close friends only and then an "evening do" with a buffet to which friends, neighbours, work colleagues etc were invited. Most people didn't expect to be invited to the sit down meal unless they were relatives or very close to the bride and groom but it was common to invite quite large numbers to the evening.
If I get an evening only invitation from a friend or colleague I'm not offended that I'm not important enough to be invited to the whole day, I'm pleased that they think enough of me to want me to share in any part of their wedding day. I probably wouldn't travel a long distance for an evening reception and I certainly wouldn't stay overnight, but if it's local I'll go along for a bit. If someone's been kind enough to include me and it's not too difficult to get there then I'll show up. That's what weddings were like in my youth and it seems completely normal to me. If other people feel differently about such invitations then just don't go, there's no need for any drama.

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Agree completely with this, I'm a similar age, the only difference is we are middle class southern so I don't think it's a regional/class thing at all, just completely normal. Everyone has friends of differing levels of closeness, the evening do is a way of making sure all of them are included instead of only the closest ones and I just can't see how anyone could be offended at that.

AvidJadeShaker · 28/06/2025 07:55

I am perfectly happy to receive an evening invite, i get that I’m not in the bride and groom’s top 40 or whatever people but that they would like me to be part of their celebrations.

AgnesX · 28/06/2025 07:55

I hate evening do's but I'm older now and don't know that many people. I think for me it's always been about the actual wedding and meal after (without a humongous huge gap in the middle).

I'm probably the exception though.

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 07:56

Neemie · 28/06/2025 07:39

I have always thought it was a socially inept thing to do. How can it not be really?

What’s socially inept?

OP posts:

Mirabai · 28/06/2025 07:57

Pricelessadvice · 28/06/2025 07:12

I found the weirdness about day and evening invites odd. The bride and groom are the main characters for the day, not work colleague Barbara who gets her knickers in a twist because she’s not been invited to the day part (likely because she’s not known the happy couple as long as their family and very close friends…)

The ceremony and day stuff is usually very limited in numbers. Of course only family and very close friends will be invited to that.

The sense of entitlement from some people on this forum is crazy. The world does not revolve around you on someone else’s wedding day.

Ah yes Bridezilla speaks: S'my day!

Why would Barbara even go to the wedding? Wouldn’t she rather spend time with her own friends & family? Why are you even inviting her?

RainbowBagels · 28/06/2025 08:01

I had an afternoon wedding and everyone was invited to everything. Culturally we don't have evening does. But if I was invited to one and it wasn't too much hassle to attend ( work friend in nearby hotel for eg) I'd have no problem going.

MsFelicityLemon · 28/06/2025 08:01

Neemie · 28/06/2025 07:39

I have always thought it was a socially inept thing to do. How can it not be really?

I think you're right, there's something lacking in a person to sulk about being asked to something.

Not going because you can't or don't want to is one thing, thie sulky reaction on this thread really do suggest people who are socially inept.

Original poster

Pingiop · 28/06/2025 08:02

Mirabai · 28/06/2025 07:46

Right. Either work colleagues are friends in which case invite them, or they’re not so don’t. But inviting work colleagues to pitch up at the tail end of social event with a bunch of sloshed relatives seems really odd. Especially now some think cash bars are acceptable so you’re even asking them to pay for the privilege.

Show quote history

Well you can just say no to the invite then. I’m sure the couple would be too busy enjoying the guest that actually want to be there than give this a second thought. You aren’t the main character in their wedding.

OP posts:

No more two tier weddings solution

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