How do you react when your DC could have done better?

[EagleOnTheWall]

Ok, so I know this sounds awful, but how do you react when your DC e.g. comes home with e.g. a 7 on something after having done no work whatsoever for that subject this year?

By that I mean never once learning for tests, not bringing home any work to finish off or revise. The teacher said it was a strong 7, almost an 8.

I said well done but there was a pause when I had to bite my tongue, and it was noticed.

She is definitely capable of a 9 in this subject.

I would probably say “that’s a good grade” (which it is), then I’d ask her how she felt about the grade and take it from there.

I’d say well done and ask her if she was happy with the grade. If she said yes I’d say good for you if she said no I’d say let me know if I can help you lift it up. You’re setting her up for a resentful shit adult relationship with you going on like that. Her grades, her business. Study yourself if you want to feel a certain way over someone’s results.

You say “well done”.

A 7 is an A in old money. Presumably they aren’t in y11. Not getting a 9 in y10 is really fine.

Only on mumsnet is a 7 seen as poor.

She’s not saying it’s poor. She’s saying she didn’t do any work and she could have done better. The conversation is clearly different to someone who worked their socks off (no matter what grade that person got)

7 is a perfect result. The fact dc didn't do any work to achieve that is amazing. If they want to do better they can. To be honest I would be extremely happy. There is far too much pressure generally for far too long. Once they have A levels nobody is interested in GCSEs. If they get that across the board without revision is pretty amazing.

We are in a system where next year is decisive, marks from this year will still count but be weighted less than the first half of next year. A 7 is the lowest acceptable mark for what she wants to do next.

I'm not saying it's poor, it's good, that's why I don't know how to approach this. It's that DC could have done better if e.g. spent time on homework instead of scribbling it at the end/beginning of the lesson or spent time learning for tests.

I think I’d be a different. I would do a breezy, well done, imagine what you could have got if you did some revision. Depends a bit on if she knows she’s capable. If she doesn’t I might not and would go down the pure encouragement route. But my bright child would know full well that they didn’t put any effort in

I would struggle with how to handle this too. I have always told my kids I don't care at all on how well they do as long as they work hard. I think it's too late to do anything now so you need to just say well done. I would probably be having (encouraging not angry) words about attitude early next term/ over summer.

@mummyto9angels is that true for everything though?

I'd say well done! ... and later have a lighthearted conversation about how a bit of revision could get her better grades.

The problem at this stage is, DC will be under a lot of pressure and have a lot of work to complete. She may simply be focusing on other subjects more for whatever reason.

Dc sounds like someone who is naturally bright and has never needed to put much effort in. The problem with that is they usually don’t know how to put effort in and there does come a point where they’ll need to.
I’d say well done then ask them to remind me about their goals. Then say how they need to put in a bit of effort if they want to achieve that goal so let’s have a plan going forward.

I'd say 'thats a good grade' - 'what do you think, did it give you any ideas on what to do to get higher - or are you going to stick with where you are'.

But then I've always been clear with kids that I think 7s are enough to enable you to do pretty much anything you want, 8s and 9s are basically bragging rights.

This is coming from a position of middle class white privilege - and the fact that one of my kids has SEN which made exams difficult for her so a 7 was bloody amazing. Other one could get higher but it's up to him - he is interested in doing well but not yet in revising - he's end of Y10 too but we haven't got his mock scores yet.

She may simply be focusing on other subjects more for whatever reason.
I would like to say that's true... but honestly, that's not the case either.

You have a conversation. How much work did you do to get a 7? Are you happy with it and your grade? My DC always knew it was them steering their own ship from 14 onwards regarding exams, DofE and Uni prep. We were there for help when needed (revision and UCAT courses when asked and online resources).

Their future is in their hands at a certain point and it’s not about judgement it’s about helping them understand this.

A 7 is a good grade and if your DD is content with this at this stage that is all you need to know. It really is up to her to come to you if she needs your help.

“That’s a really good grade, are you happy with that?” I have a clever DC who could definitely get 9s if they put the work in but doesn’t always and I find the only way to “push” them is to make them want it and feel motivated. With mine pushing too much makes them dig their heels in about revision.

She doesn’t want and clearly doesn’t need to study hard. Academia isn’t for everyone or the be all and end all. She is smart enough to get what she needs with minimal effort. I admire people like that. They do well in the real world. The plodders, diligently putting in the extra hours are rarely valued or treated well. In fact their labour is undervalued typically and they are taken advantage of.

I always also instilled in mine that as long as they work hard and do as much prep as they can then that’s all I ask. The grade here is irrelevant really as essentially she got it by winging it (which you can do at GCSE in some subjects) or by luck. Eventually this cruising along will hit hard as I can guarantee she’ll struggle when the work gets more intense/harder. She then potentially won’t have built the right mindset and could find it very difficult to get back on track. I’m a big believer in building consistency.

in this situation I would have probably said, wow that’s a good grade, imagine what you could do if you put the work in. If they deny they are cruising you’ll have to have a deeper conversation about the advantages of working consistently. Also some comments such as - it’s better to do the work now than realise you could have done better later and have less options available to you or you don’t want to look back and forever think about what could have been. For example things like maths shouldn’t be considered at A level unless you have an 8 or 9.

My DC really lucked out on one of their GCSEs getting an 8 after really doing but much work. It was by far and away his least important subject though and he didn’t really like it.

Just say well done that's a good grade.
She will know perfectly well that if she works harder she will get a better grade. She might even tell you she's going to at some stage.

TL:DR Always know where your certificates are. You might need them at times you didn’t expect.

I have always believed this about GCSEs once a person has progressed to A levels and beyond, but a recent experience has shown this not to be true.

I have a teaching degree, and taught Science for 16 years until I got out in 2013. Did a few other jobs in between, but in 2016 started with a large food production company, then was made redundant last summer after 7 1/2 years.

Some weeks later got a job with my local council and after probation, expressed an interest in doing an apprenticeship. This was partly just to do some studying, and partly to get the opportunity for a role that is above MW for my pension pot. There had been no promotion opportunities in my previous job unless I wanted to do 0600-1800hrs shifts on a 3 on, 3 off, 2 on, 2 off shift pattern which meant working EOW.

Despite my teaching career, they insisted that I provide proof of my GCSE maths and English. Caused quite a fuss because I had no idea where they were, and I had to defer starting the apprenticeship for 6 months. DH eventually found my National Record of Achievement (!!!) under the bed. 😱

This. They’re going to be in trouble come a levels as you can’t skate the way you can fkr GCSE s. I speak from personal experience. I would do as other pps say: a quiet well done and ask how they feel about the grade. And some support once a levels start about how to study properly

I'd see whether DC was disappointed. If they were, I'd commiserate. If they were happy, I'd congratulate them. I'm wondering how accurate a parent's assessment of what their child 'should' be getting is.

My DC is in year 7 and chose not to revise for exams. We agreed that's fair enough, as it's hard enough starting secondary without the extra pressure. DC got 7-9s in most subjects, one or two 5-6s.

I said to DC that it's really good to have an idea of where you are without any extra work, so you know how much you need to do to achieve your best when it comes to GCSEs.

We're not Christian/capitalist/whatever other ethical system sees work as an innate good, so don't do the 'work as a virtue' thing. The point is to have as fun and fulfilling life as possible, while always choosing to do good, so hard work should be reserved for activities that make the world a better place, not necessarily for exams.

However, learning to revise and to put thevwork in where necessary is essential, so we're trying to find ways to help DC with that. It's difficult to find motivation when school is boring and tiring and unpleasant yet good marks come so easily.

We've started by praising and rewarding the hidden hard work behind the good results. DC actually sits and listens in class all day (most children don't at all), which in itself is exhausting and difficult.

Pointing out how hard this is, how we appreciate it, praising DC and saying how proud we are is a way to acknowledge and reward effort.

Please don’t do this, it’s really passive aggressive!

Just leave her be. Revision is for people who didn't learn it right first time round.

I wouldn't be telling a child capable of a 9 well done. I might say its good / fortunate they can achieve a 7 with little to no effort

I would ask how they feel about it - what they think it will mean longer term.

As someone who was similar and coasted (i got the equivalent of 8s) without really applying myself much A levels were a rude rude awakening and it was a hard 2 yrs for me. Really hard. If I had developed more learning disciple and learning techniques it would have been SO much easier