How do you react when your DC could have done better?

[EagleOnTheWall]

Ok, so I know this sounds awful, but how do you react when your DC e.g. comes home with e.g. a 7 on something after having done no work whatsoever for that subject this year?

By that I mean never once learning for tests, not bringing home any work to finish off or revise. The teacher said it was a strong 7, almost an 8.

I said well done but there was a pause when I had to bite my tongue, and it was noticed.

She is definitely capable of a 9 in this subject.

Your son sounds exactly like mine. Really bright but coasted through his GCSEs with no revision at all (got mostly 7s) and as far as I can tell he didn’t do much work for his A levels either despite having numerous conversations with him about needing to work.
I feel anxious about his results in August (one of his subjects teachers said he could get an A or might get a D!) so absolutely no idea how he will do. But he has held done a part time job for two years /now working full time his exams are over) a lovely group of friends, good communication skills and is generally lovely so trying not to panic!

I'd be very very happy that they can cruise to a 7. Whether or not she wants to put more effort in to get a higher grade is up to her. GCSEs are utterly meaningless once the appropriate grade required for what the young person wants to go onto has been secured. If she can do that off very little effort then she goes into the next phase of her education with plenty in reserve (effort, energy and mentally). That is a very good thing

I still remember 18 years ago how disappointed my mother was when I finished school with 2 A's and 5 B's. Ok - I didn't study but did do my homework every day and worked Friday to Sunday every week.

My DS is similar in that without much study, he still gets very good grades. Remembering my mothers disappointment, I'm trying to be a bit kinder and more encouraging with DS.

A 7 is great, imagine how well you could do if you revised for the next test.

Agree with this. Children have si much pressure these days. If she is happy, confident and healthy that is all I care.

I have a bright but lazy child. He did pull it out of the bag in the end in both Y11 and Y13. At this stage I would simply say "well done". Then in September I'd have the chat about it being an important year etc.

Some of the views on this thread make me so sad. As an only child Grammar school pupil my parent never made me feel good enough. It set me up for a lifetime of perfectionist habits, horrifically bad self esteem and decades of people pleasing. Despite this I went on to have a happy and fulfilling career, just wasn’t a Doctor, lawyer or any other profession that my Girl’s school heavily pushed on us.

We need as a society to be careful about the messages, intentional or not that we put on young people about themselves. I also ended up with a serious and incurable Autoimmune disease which, looking back, am entirely unsurprised by.

@RosesAndHellebores Durham tell you specifically why you are rejected

And Ds is now at Warwick studying Economics which was his first choice and Durham was his only rejection.

https://www.durham.ac.uk/study/undergraduate/how-to-apply/decisions-and-replies/if-you-are-unsuccessful/#d.en.1241574

As to applying to Durham uni isn't always about a "social life" that basically means clubbing if you mean they have to go to Newcastle for it. I suppose it depends on your circle of friends. Every child is different. Plus it's 13 minutes on the train.

I don't think you can compare previous generations. There are lots of children who left school with no GCSEs who haven't done well job wise and there a few who have done well. Plus to even get into Oxford these days I believe they still consider your GCSEs as a future predictor of success. Cambridge used to look at AS levels until they stopped. Lots of top unis also make you sit entrance exams even with your 4 A star predictions.

"they can pull their finger out and get the 9 for the actual GCSE" but OP's child isn't doing any revision and may not. My friend's son was in the cohort years ago where they allowed them to sit GCSEs early and then resit it to improve the grade. He got a C in his year 10 science and his Mum said brilliant, well you can get an A for your year 11 and he said no way am I sitting that exam again. I got my pass, I am done. He is now 28 and studying alongside his job but is lucky to still live at home, not so lucky for my friend who has had to support him because on zero hours contracts on his small amount of GCSE passes as he couldn't afford to move out.

It’s only a test, I’d probably ask if they did their best and say to them to make sure they work hard for the final exam. Mine dicked about in tests but ended up with straight As at Nat 5 and Higher

I don't think you can compare previous generations. There are lots of children who left school with no GCSEs who haven't done well job wise and there a few who have done well. Plus to even get into Oxford these days I believe they still consider your GCSEs as a future predictor of success. Cambridge used to look at AS levels until they stopped. Lots of top unis also make you sit entrance exams even with your 4 A star predictions.

The vast majority of kids aren’t going anywhere near Oxbridge and for those who are aiming to do so presumably they’ll be smart enough to know they won’t get there on a wing and a prayer. Driving 14/15/16 year olds to constantly achieve in everything isn’t particularly healthy.

DD2 went through Y10-11 like this. I felt frustrated to be honest but never said anything negative to her. I’d praise the grade without being too enthusiastic as I feel strongly that the motivation to work at school, has to come from them.

She had a huge shock at GSCE, passed them all but only one A. We did have a conversation about her not doing A levels as what was the point if she want going to push herself? She really pulled her socks up for A levels, got As/A*s, went to university etc.

I'm in a similar situation and quite frankly I think it was just right for my son. He volunteered he could do much better and realised that he hadn't put the appropriate kind of effort in but I'm far more interested in keeping him mentally healthy than 9s in mocks. He tends to spiral if he feels unhappy with himself. The pressure these children are under is unreal. My daughter somewhat coasted through her GCSEs but busted a gut in her A Levels. It will be interesting come results day!

There is more to life than a clean sweep of 9s at GCSE.

TBH I doubt I’d say anything much - I didn’t work nearly as hard as I could have for my (then) O levels, so several grades were not exactly brilliant. OTOH I got the top grade for the one subject I really liked and bothered to work hard at.

Honestly, you’ll look back and wonder why you made such a fuss.

Depends if genuine laziness or things just didn't work out one day.

It's not a single assessment/exam grade, it's cumulative over the year. Currently eyeing a high level degree, but not 100% definite.

As a teacher and as another, I couldn’t agree more.

As a mother and grandmother!!!

My kids are in primary so truthfully I don’t know, but when I did my GCSE’s there were a few subjects I definitely underperformed in. My mum was all nice about it, she was just happy I’d passed. My dad was not. He’s always been a bit of a hard arse and I always appreciated it (retrospectively lol). He just said “good for a council estate bird, not good enough for where you want to go tho is it Cat?” and that stuck with me and lit a fire under my arse for my a levels.

Apparently you need to engage with them and say something like ‘Wow, a 7, I guess that’s pretty good considering your effort levels? Do you think with a little bit of extra time spent, you would have got a 9?’. Explore the subject of effort and output and see what DD says.

You just say well done, and try not to impose your expectations on them. As long as they’ve done enough to get them into the next stage, that’s fine. All I say to my DC is that it’s easier to face the pain and pass first time as resits are a pain in the backside…

You don't give her age and I presume it's not UK? If she is immature then it sounds like she still needs a push. I don't agree with the idea of letting them sink or swim at 16 because I wouldn't gamble with my child's future options.

I would say that's good but imagine how much better it could have been.
It's possible she has realised that anyway as classmates who have worked hard will be proud of their grade 9s and that might be the shove she needs.

My eldest was naturally very bright and able to get top grades with no work - until he didn't. Top grades at GCSE but then at the first year of A levels he got a shock when he got Bs. He transformed his attitude then and ended up with all A*s and a first degree

I think this is a really interesting question you’ve asked. Objectively, a 7 is amazing. Subjectively, your child could have done better.

25 years ago, I was your child, so I’m going to offer you my perspective. I got excellent grades (2A the rest B) at GCSE. I could have walked away with As and A* across the board. I revised for one exam by going through the revision book on the bus on the way to school. Lo and behold, I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.

I’m not saying your child has ADHD, but that there’s a reason they aren’t doing as much revision, or fulfilling their potential. I’d have a gentle, non-confrontational, non-judgemental conversation with your child, along the lines of “you are so naturally clever, your grade is amazing, but we both know you haven’t done much to revise, is there something I can do to support you more in the future, or are you happy just doing this on your own?”

I would have loved the support to get organised, make flash cards, print past papers, chatting about the literature and science I was studying - bouncing ideas and theories around. Chatting about my coursework would have helped, and have someone read and encourage me too. If I could go back and have had that support from someone my life would have looked very very different.

To summarise, there will be a reason. The best you can do is offer non-judgemental support and let your child dictate what that looks like.

I would say well done, and mean it!
But also really think about WHY she might not have done as much work as you think she should be doing.
Is she doing no work across the board at school, or just for this subject?

Quick cautionary tale- I got straight As and A*s doing no work at GCSE. I carried on doing no work at A levels and I got Cs.

It turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD, (diagnosed as an adult, but was heavily impacted at school), but had no idea that was even a thing I could have at school.
I was always late, unorganised, couldn’t stay on task, couldn’t manage my time and procrastinated constantly while feeling intensely like a failure. All my teachers and parents were disappointed in me all the time, I felt intense shame and was made to think that there was something wrong with me, but no one actually took the time to find out why I was struggling so much. The more I tried the more I seemed to fail so I just gave up and coasted.

What I needed was someone to be kind and try to understand why I wasn’t working as hard as they expected. For me personally, I needed support for ADHD but everyone just focused on my grades and nothing else.

I’m not saying your child has ADHD, or any problem at all- maybe she just finds the subject boring but easy, maybe she’s prioritising other subjects.

But definitely worth thinking about whether she might need any extra support at school

Quite
I would not mince my words about the fact that they could've done better with some effort tbh. It's not doing them any favours
Even academic children come up eventually against subjects/courses that are not a breeze for them. It's not ok just to give up on stuff because it involves effort imo. It's a dreadful attitude to life in general.