How do you react when your DC could have done better?

[EagleOnTheWall]

Ok, so I know this sounds awful, but how do you react when your DC e.g. comes home with e.g. a 7 on something after having done no work whatsoever for that subject this year?

By that I mean never once learning for tests, not bringing home any work to finish off or revise. The teacher said it was a strong 7, almost an 8.

I said well done but there was a pause when I had to bite my tongue, and it was noticed.

She is definitely capable of a 9 in this subject.

In that case you should look at the GCSE progression from Cambridge

http://cambridgeassessment.org.uk/Images/735630-144.-progression-from-gcse-to-a-level-2021-2023.pdf

I used this years ago to show DC how GCSEs can affect A level grades. As she is looking at uni then look at WhatDoTheyKnow on stats for entry into uni. The Freedom of Information request on whatdotheyknow showed how many applicants they take in on their entry grades. If you are predicted 3 A stars at A level then all uni courses are open to you.

Also look at the further education board and higher education board on MN for information about applying to uni and grades. Dc1 started looking ahead to uni in year 10 because they realised they needed a degree to get into the field they thought they were interested in.

Statistically for Warwick the number of Home applicants for all social sciences courses 9912, offers were made to 5337 and entrants 1431 so 14% get in. Obviously it isn't everyone's top choice because you can apply to 5 universities. It is who they are up against applying at the same time. Oversubscribed courses mean they can cherry pick.

For an academic child it's more about the motivation. They can figure out learning strategies if they're motivated to do it (plenty of help available at school with that) -- if being nagged by a parent about a test result that was objectively good enough will help that motivation then go to it. And if that means A level years feel a bit tougher then thats part of the learning process too.

I would have been annoyed at that feedback. For me, it was all about competition and moving to a school with a more competitive environment was good for me. (The main reason I got a first at undergrad was because my best friend bet me a bottle of Baileys that I couldn't do it.)

What do you mean by the pause was noticed? Did you upset her?

This is common with my kids. One in particular. I always gave loads of praise. "That's brilliant, well done you. Fantastic grade." Big hug. I might then follow up with a "Imagine what you could get if you really put the work in, ha ha ha..."

Always kept it lighthearted. But tbh in school it never really worked. DD never really put hard graft in but she's going into her last year in a good uni and doing really well. She's found something she's passionate about and is now putting the work in.

I wouldn't sweat it. Gentle encouragement and keeping the peace is all you can do.

And I should add, as they got older, when it mattered, I'd mention it going into the next lot of exams. Rather than berate them at the time. I'd remind that they got X last time but they'll need to work this time to bring that up.

If they don't that's up to them. They'll face the consequences on results day.

My daughter has very different ability levels in different topics. Sometimes eg she is delighted and proud of herself - rightly for a 4 or 5 in chemistry or maths, while being pissed off with an 8 in English.

so when she tells me her grade, I just ask coaching questions “how are you feeling about that grade?” And “do you feel you put good effort in?” (‘Do your best’ is actually an overly high bar to apply to everything at all times’…. It is quite absolutist and can cause anxiety…. As it’s a form of perfection. It is also hard to quantify- eg, your true best would probably come at the sacrifice of other things including your wellbeing).

when she says she is happy and proud of herself, then I give her major kudos. When she says she is not happy, then I continue coaching questions (“what do you think you could do differently next time…. So what’s the plan?” Then give kudos for openness and quality of plan etc….

my DD is naturally quite driven…. So I tend to trust her own self assessment. If anything I need to reassure her her non perfect results are just fine, and remind her to take breaks etc… I guess if I felt she was a bit too complacent, then my coaching questions might be more like “do you think you could get better than that? What do you think that would take? What would feel good about that? Is there a reason you wouldn’t go for that? Hard work? Yeah…. That’s true life is often a trade off between hard work and achievement. On one side, if you push yourself too hard, - like a 10 out of 10 effort all the time, people can get really anxious, burn out and forget to enjoy other parts of life’ at the same time, if you never push yourself - say cruise through on a 5 out of 10, you can miss out on lots of achievements and great experiences. Where do you think you are at on that scale right now?’ ‘What number do you think would work be great to aim for?’ ‘What would that take?’

etc…..

I think I’d just congratulate her now and let her relax over the summer but closer to the start of the new school year have a conversation about how although she did well last year and you’re proud of her, you know she is capable of more and coasting may not getting her through her through this year. Ask her if there is any way you can support her.

I was similar to your dd in that I was naturally academic and coasted through with no effort, until the course work gradually got harder and suddenly I wasn’t keeping up and suddenly I had to scramble and scrape just to get a passing grade.
I really wish in hindsight that someone had given me a bit more tough love.