If you are in a loving and happy long marriage / relationship…

[FullyLined]

What is your advice on maintaining it happy and loving forever?

After 20 years together, my “principles”, some learnt the hard way, are:

Whatever your shared idea of being attractive, maintain and cultivate it, don’t let yourself “go”. It can be hard work but it’s worth it.

Bank shared happy experiences, deliberately create these moments, even if it’s a date night at home, so that on balance they outweigh the negatives.

Show appreciation and say thank you as much as possible - for a cooked meal, tea in bed, doing the food shop or wheeling the bin out.

Listen properly and pick your battles,
sometimes it’s better to be kind than right.

Physical affection, however small.

Give each other space for me time.

compromise. there has to be give & take.

A working dishwasher is a must!

Pick the right person in the first place. Took me a long while to work this one out, but I found her in the end.

Consideration, being friends, trust.

Be a fully grown adult before getting married.

Share the same values about life, family and children.

Trust each other. Be trustworthy.

Rely on each other. Be reliable.

Reminisce frequently with old photos.

Accept it is a long road with periods of closeness/intimacy (not sex) and periods of no time for closeness/intimacy.

Accept aging and how that changes physical shape.

20 years together so far.

Be kind to each other.
We were given this advice on our wedding day and I've never forgotten it.
Any bumps in the road we've had, we've always maintained kindness between us and how we treat each other. The rest just naturally follows.

All of this together for 43 years.

I agree that a lot comes down to marrying the right person. It’s impossible to know as two 30 year olds, how life will unfold. So while I agree that sharing the same values about life, family and children is very important, there’s also a big dose of luck. (25 years married)

I was given the exact same advice by the registrar for my first marriage - we weren't kind and it was a disaster! However I never forgot the words and have definitely used them as a guide in my current, long term and very happy marriage.

Have some hobbies in common.

I wouldn’t class eating out or shopping as enough. DH and I were off to cricket tonight but he has awful hay fever, stuff that is a joint endeavour,
You need to want to spend spare time together when you have time especially if you have children as they use so much time up. Once they have left home it’s the two of you.

Talk about the hard stuff. And listen. Don't just wait your turn to speak.

Sex and physical intimacy matters. So does doing fun stuff together.

You will go through natural phases over time and so will your spouse. Sometimes you'll feel very much in love and happy, sometimes you'll be out of phase with each other and feel more disconnected, annoyed or detached, but if your fundamentals are strong, time will bring you back onto the same wavelength.

DH and I went frequently to one restaurant when DC small. After a while, the owner asked if we were married. We said yes. He replied that it was unusual for a married couple to be so polite to each other😳

Very odd imo

Communicate explicitly and often, verbally and also non verbally.

Arguing well. With
humility and self reflection. when feeling cross is it because I am tired/circumstantial or is it worth the argument? What do I want to get out of the argument eg if to feel heard, why do I need to feel this? Why am I not feeling this? Is it his fault or is this my own stuff to deal with?

being each other’s person no matter what. Eg yeah I don’t really get why this matters to you but if it does then it matters to me because you are important and I love you.

20 years still going strong.

also, trashy romance novels have been great

The most important first step is to choose your spouse very carefully.
Treat them well and expect the same in return. I'm always amazed when people treat strangers better than they treat the people with whom they live.
Have fun, laugh.
Accept that no one is going to be entirely perfect in every moment, some things will be annoying but focus on what's really important rather than wreck a relationship over unimportant small annoyances.

Treat each other with kindness and respect
Listen
Laugh - we still laugh loads (23 years later!)
Make quality time to be together
Trust is so important to me
I still fancy him loads - even though we are certainly not the same as when we fell in love
Sex or intimacy is really important
We do little things for each other not grand gestures- cup of tea in bed at the weekend, buying him his favourite sweets etc
Celebrate the good stuff!!

Find something cool that you can do together - something that’s ’your thing’. We go and see bands - big ones, small ones, down the road, Munich and Rome - it creates brilliant shared adventures and memories, reminds you that you’re more than parents, and it’s something my kids actually really love about us.

Have sex enthusiastically and regularly. Make your partner feel loved and cared for (works both ways). It has so many benefits. It helps cement the bonds between you and it’s harder to stay angry at someone you want to have sex with. Make it a priority. This will pay dividends when your kids grow up and you have to become just a couple again. Your kids are likely only going to live with you/be dependent on you for 18-21 years and then they basically go part time. Your partner is still the one with you full time. Make sure you’re still a rock solid partnership, not two people just sharing a home.

Marry someone with similar housekeeping standards, sense of humour and attitudes to child rearing

First & most importantly : Don’t marry a dickhead. Too many women knowingly marry arrogant, selfish, sexist, lazy pricks because they fancy them, or because they want kids or because they have got money then wonder why they end up married to a dickhead.

In our case, one of the major reasons why our relationship has stood the test of time is separate finances. 30+ years together, zero arguments about money.

Each person’s salary is paid into our own current account, to which the other has no access. We also have a joint account into which we each pay £X per month which covers the mortgage + all household bills. It is set up to run a modest surplus which pays for holidays, tradespeople, new electrical appliances etc. We take it in turns to do the grocery shopping and each of us pays for our own car. The rest of our money is our own to spend, save, invest etc as we see fit.

Accept the person as they are and accept that change is natural over time. Every relationship I have witnessed where one wishes the other would change, has been unsuccessful.
Compromise, be kind, respectful and honest.
Have each other's backs.
Dc and family home, including family finances are a team effort.
Pick someone with similar general view of the world.

Support most of the above, and would like to stress one thing: laugh together. 28 years together in July.

It is 99% about who you marry.

Are you and your spouse BOTH people who put each other first, maintain civility and decency in difficult situations, strive to be kind, want the same major things in life, communicate well, etc etc. The list is long, but if either of you doesn't meet it, you will have to work very very hard indeed.

I agree with this but also spend time together. So many couples just don’t spend any quality time together. Sitting in a room in your phones or watching trash on tv doesn’t really count. Go for a walk, go out somewhere, talk to each other. That’s the glue that binds. All the couples I know who split up just lived separate lives.

This. Work on yourself first. Sounds corny. I was attracted to abusive relationships as I didn’t know normal. I did a lot of therapy on me. Raised my bar. Dumped quickly when dating again. Literally no second chances. DH did what he said he was going to do when he said it. Eg ring you at 8 pm. And he did. If I didn’t answer he left a nice message eg Hi hope you had a nice day and managed to get that plant you wanted.
He remembered, followed up, all conversations weren’t him wanting to tell me about himself he wanted to know about me he listened but not in a creepy way. Met each others friends fairly early on etc

Even now we check in on each other. One of our kids wasn’t well yesterday, I took them to the GP from school- DH without being asked got in the car and met us there. They were checked over and came back - got back to a clean house - DH works from home, dishwasher empty, washing down and pegged out, dinner made etc he doesn’t ask. He does.

He’s proactive about his mental health and we check in - regularly with each normally lying in bed. Just a ‘how are you really’ question.

The best part of my days is curling up in his huge arms and I wasn’t a cuddly sleeper before I met him. After working all day he usually has a shower and smells amazing gets into bed and cuddling me.

100% honest he loves my kids and I love his. I phone and contact all the kids without him and vice versa we have formed our own relationship.

I agree with most of these. Kindness, appreciation and mutual respect. Plus laughter is a must for me. My DP is hilarious and always good natured and kind. As am I, I hope.

Ooh important one. Having a fellow adult partner, if that makes sense. Not being a man/woman child or an emotional fuckwit and no drama llamaing. You just bring each other a sense of safety, security and love and always have each other's back

This is such a lovely thread, thank you so much for sharing. It’s amazing how much condensed to kindness, respect, laughter and bit of luck finding the One.