When your parent died, how soon did you go back to work?

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I’ve recently had to go sick from work to nurse my DF in his last weeks of life, and it’s been traumatic. Still got funeral etc to organise.
Part of me wants to get back to normal, but part of me doesn’t want to go back too soon and potentially end up off again. How long were you off?

I’m sorry for your loss OP. I was in my 20s when my mum died unexpectedly. I think I went back to work about 10 days later, after the funeral. I don’t think it crossed my mind to wonder how long I could take off - I just went back when I felt up to it. Thinking about it, they probably didn’t even have my number to hone me anyway since I just went home (pre mobile phones).

I’m so sorry for your loss. I took 2 days when my DF died, but he had been very sick for a long time and as awful as it sounds it was a relief as he had been in so much pain. I had a week off when we got the news he had terminal cancer.
See how you feel, and take as much time as you need..there is no right or wrong.

I didn’t take any time off work. My father had been sick for a long time and it was a relief for everyone when he died. He was very ready to go and was at peace with it.

No time off other than one day for arranging stuff, and the funeral day.

A couple of days maybe. Then one day for the funeral.

I took no leave. Although i had the afternoon off for the funeral.

Sticking to my routine helped with what was the saddest time of my life.

When my father died I took 4 days off plus a few for the funeral. Personally I felt better getting on with life than sitting at home alone with my thoughts.

I didn’t take a single day off, not even the day they time (which was in the middle of the night). Clearly, it’s not something I’d recommend but I had to work and there was no-one to provide cover.
Take the time you need.

A week after I lost my dad but 4 months after I lost my mum last year. It hit very hard b

the Next week.

My dad told me to. Said my mum would have want me to get back to normality asap and not be out of pocket

so se so don’t work don’t get paid

i work nights so could work and still be around daytime for my dad

for me was right

her death was unexpected and quick - 3 days on life support and dnr and she died holding my hand

I took 3w off when dh died 3 and again enough for me as knew had to get back to normality and being at home alone was bad enough at nights. Let alone days as well

but everyone is diff

DP found at 10pm then left for work 6:30am the following day… I always think if he had have taken time to grieve he’d of healed better. he didn’t want to think about it and needs constant distraction, i understand but also wish he’d let himself feel.

I am sorry for your loss.

My dad was already in a hospice for 4 months so we were all kind of waiting. I live in a different country so got the call on Monday, flew out Tuesday, funeral on Saturday and back home on Sunday.

Because we knew it would happen my mum had everything organised and we only had to deal with the bank for a joint account in person.

I had a couple of days compassionate leave and my boss signed off for the rest to give me the full week.

I had two weeks off, but the second one of those was the Easter holidays so I would have been off anyway. It was enough for me, as keeping busy and focusing on other things was what worked for me. I was very, very tired for the first few months back at work though. I think the effort of keeping up the facade was huge and I slept a lot when I wasn't at work. I wouldn't have done it differently even so.

I have friends who were off work for 6 months after losing a parent. That was what they needed. There really isn't any rules for this stuff. You do what you need to do.

I’d called work the day after my DF’s funeral to take the weekend off. Boss was quite mean/rude about it so got myself signed off for 2 weeks. Only asked for a week but when I told the doc what was going on she insisted on 2.

3 days. And one day off for the funeral.

I was in uni when my dad died. Very different times though. I think I took a day or two off, but then had to sit an exam the day after that. I was given the option to re-sit another time, but I just wanted to get it done because it was the end of that term. I remember dealing with the funeral directors from the pay phone in the student centre between classes. I was 18 and it was just me to sort out funeral and his things and probate. I think I just went on autopilot. I would take more time off now.

If you count my "real" job, it was a week.

If you count the family business, it was literally minutes!

Father ran a newsagents shop. He died on the way to open up the shop one morning at 5am. I got a phone call at 6am, and me and my brother went to open up the shop, mark up the papers for the paperboys, etc., and then keep the shop open daily thereafter between us.

On the day of his funeral, we did the morning papers, then closed early for the funeral, then re-opened for the evening papers!

The shop would have lost all it's customers and newsrounds if we'd have closed it for a few days, so we had to keep it open and operating in order to sell it.

When my mother died many years later, it was a Sunday, and I was back in my office on Monday - self employed accountant and I had VAT returns, wages, etc to do, so clients would have ended up being fined for late submissions and they'd not have been able to pay their staff if I hadn't gone in to work as normal.

Needs must when you're self employed!

When DDad died I took a week which was sufficient time for the funeral. Mum was only in her 60s and we knew Dad was dying so his papers were in order and she was able to deal with all the paperwork. MIL needed more help when FIL died and she was in her 80s so SIL took several weeks off just to sort her out.

I manage people and have had to deal with several parental deaths. Our policy is 1 week bereavement leave plus a day for the funeral on full pay and the advice to get a sick note for as long as you need. The standard advice is 'take as long as you need, work is not important, we can cover for you'. We pay full pay when people are on sick leave up to several months and people take everything from the week of bereavement leave to several months. Factors that affect how long people take: how unexpected the death was, if they have been caring for a sick parent prior to the death, the nature of their relationship, how far away their parent lived.

Three weeks after my dad passed, it was sudden, mum couldn’t cope, I had to arrange everything and stay with her.
Two days after mum passed, was expected.
School I worked for were amazing, and I could have taken longer.

My dad died aged 54, I was 26 and had a week off.
My mum was killed in a car accident at 69. I had to arrange the funeral, deal with coroner and police etc, sell the family home and wind up the estate. Had three weeks off.

A week each time as that was what was offered.

I work in HR and to be honest (now I work somewhere more flexible and understanding of longer periods of leave) I don't personally think it helps most people to stay off too long. The grief is going to be there in any case but from what I've seen, most people do better getting back to their routine, and not sitting at home dwelling on it and thinking of nothing else 24/7. It doesn't mean their grief is any less but it gives some respite from it for a few hours a day and keeps them moving forward. Some people get very stuck in their grief without any distractions and it takes over their existence for months. It almost becomes their identity. I don't think that's good for their mental health at all.

The police turned up on the Tuesday evening and I was back at school on the Friday.
I went to school on the morning of the funeral- it was my secondary induction day.

It was easier being able to do some normal and hide away from the grief.
Being a child, I had nothing to do with the beaucracy. That's a huge toll on the people responsible in its own right aside from the emotional grief.

Often subsequent grief can be harder as they dredge up old emotions, especially if there's generation gear changes.

I actually think people in the UK have quite a strange attitude to death. Of course if a parent dies at a too young age it is going to be different, but once upon a time people accepted that older parents were going to die at some stage and coped with that without needing weeks to come to terms with it. I also think the ridiculous amount of time between a death and the funeral doesn't help.

Without wanting to sound too critical, from being on MN it seems people in the UK are quick to take time off work for anything and everything, whereas most of the rest of the world just gets on with it.

Every company has their own compassionate leave so ask your manager on the details. However, everyone is different. My DD died on the Saturday and I went back to work on the Monday on my first day back from maternity leave too, but for me I wanted the distraction and it worked for me. However, someone else may have said that wouldn't work and would need more time.
You can also ask for unpaid leave if compassionate leave isn't enough for you at your place of work.
The reality is some people want to be back at work ASAP as their way of grieving is to get back to reality, but some people need time and it can depend on personal situations so you may see a wide range of different time off.
So sorry for your loss.

Dh had one day off, the day his mum died, he had a couple of half days to organise the funeral and register the death (not local) then the funeral. He had nobody to cover him being the boss.