When your parent died, how soon did you go back to work?

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I’ve recently had to go sick from work to nurse my DF in his last weeks of life, and it’s been traumatic. Still got funeral etc to organise.
Part of me wants to get back to normal, but part of me doesn’t want to go back too soon and potentially end up off again. How long were you off?

This is perfectly sensible. You know how you’re feeling, what your work is, what practical things need doing etc.

I only took a few days but I was working short hours from my parents house and it wasn’t all on me to organise. I could have taken more time. I did struggle at work one year later as it all came back strongly at the same time of year but no-one is making allowances by then.

Sorry for your loss. I was similar to you in what happened. I have my own business (coffee kiosk) that I run single handed. I just opened weekends for the two weeks while he was on end of life care, and for two weeks afterwards, which was when the funeral was. Then I was coming up to one of the busy times at the cafe so opened again. You do what you feel. I actually found going back to a bit more normality helped me after a couple of weeks.

DH had a week off when his dad died suddenly in traumatic circumstances. His work told him to take as much time as he needed as they would pay him compassionate leave. Then at the end of the week they changed their minds and said they wouldn't be paying him at all, so he ended up going back sooner than he wanted to as he couldn't afford not being paid

The answer probably depends on how close people were to their parents and how involved they were in their day to day life.

Many people live hundreds of miles away and only see their parents at birthdays and Christmas. While the grief still hurts, it must be easier to get on with your every day routine if you weren't in each others pockets.

If you're visiting your parents multiple times a week and caring for them then I suppose it must be a bigger change to suddenly not do those things.

I've never been the sort to use work to as a distraction, if anything I find work adds to my stress so it's the first thing to go when I hit my limits. Working in HR I've seen people take just 1 or 2 days and some people take many months. Everyone is different, there's no right way to grieve.

With dad, 2 weeks because after 1 week I had annual leave prebooked so still took it off.

with mum, 2 weeks as work was more supportive and had extended compassionate leave during covid.

both times it was hard going back and there were tears when people offered there condolences, but it was the start of get back to normal and work/colleagues were supportive in those first weeks back

I went back after a week.

My dad - 2 weeks plus a further month on reduced hours, but that was because I was supporting my mum and living with her for that month and it took me longer to get to and from work.

My mum - 3 months. I was signed off sick. It hit me really hard.

Maybe 2 weeks? It was over Christmas and new years so business was closed for a chunk of the time anyway. I just wanted to go back to life. My aunt had a couple months off I think.

Dad died about 3.30, sat in bed, nurse came to confirm, I got a call out shortly after (electrician) and went off to it - got back about 8.00, sat with dad and chatted to him about the job (of course a one way conversation). Vicar came round next morning and said a few prayers and later in the day the undertaker picked him up. Off I went to work again!

My mum died on a Saturday and I went back to work on the Thursday after (I didn’t work Tuesdays or Wednesdays at the time). However, I had had most of the week before she died off on compassionate leave, as the hospice had called on the Monday to say that she could die at any time. It was a very small organisation and didn’t have any official policy on compassionate leave. As well as the emotional impact of a bereavement, there is also a lot of admin to do after a death.

After my dad died, two weeks. I would have struggled with anything much less. It was a horrible shock (suicide, out of the blue) and there were also a lot of logistics. Work (university) were happy for me to take what I needed, though I guess there would have been a limit, they were fine with 2 weeks.

When my mother died a few years earlier I was on sabbatical anyway (doing research), so didn't worry about taking leave officially and just gradually built back up. I probably wouldn't have needed as long afterwards as it wasn't a sudden shock (cancer) and my father did the bulk of the practical arrangements. I did take a few days off in the run up to her death however.

Two weeks. My Dad died unexpectedly and we were living at the other end of the country, so it took that time to travel South, arrange the funeral etc. I wasnt really ready to go back, but the lovely ladies in the office let me sit in a corner and revise for my exams for a week or so (I was in my twenties and in a training job)

I'm sorry for your loss.

I got 5 days compassionate leave when my Mum died. I took 4 days straight away and then went back to work for a couple of weeks, then took the remaining one plus a day's annual leave for the funeral and I was expected to be grateful that I was allowed the day's annual leave at such short notice.
When my Dad died I somewhat serendipitously had broken my right hand so was off sick anyway which was helpful as he had to have a post mortem, delaying the funeral arrangements etc. I'd have struggled to do everything that was required in 5 days. I guess I would have had to use annual leave.

The next day. I was 24, she had a short and brutal cancer and I had been sole carer as my dad had died a year before.
But we have our own business so the work piling up would have been piling up however long I waited. For me there was a solace in returning to normal things, getting out into the world again but everyone is different. I’m a very outdoorsy person, so being stuck in the house for the previous two months hadn’t suited me.
in those days a funeral was only a week/10 days wait - I think it makes it so much worse having to wait weeks and weeks for a funeral date, I don’t think I started to come out of the fog until the funeral was over.
Condolences OP.

3 weeks. My employer at the time gave 2 weeks. I went signed off sick a further week. To be honest, it didn't feel enough. I'd been a sandwich carer the last year of my Mum's life, navigating a job, a toddler with autism and care for my Mum who lived 2 hours away. In the week after she died we had to completely empty her housing association property. I was exhausted, on my knees and in the brink of a major depression just through burn out. In hindsight, I should have got signed off for at least another fortnight, but I went back.

I can't believe some people were having to return to work the same week their parents t died. Loss of a parent or spouse is such a major thing, I think a fortnight bereavement leave should be mandatory for employers....

Other than his funeral, which I only went to for my mum's benefit, I didn't take time off. Even the day he died, I did some work from her house. I still work from there some days 6 months on.
It will be different when she goes.

There are so many variables. Some have siblings to help, some don't. The parent might have been the sole remaining one, or there might be a spouse who's picking up a lot of the admin. The parent might live locally or far away. There might be pressing issues (my mum's council extra care flat had to be cleared within five days, and was not local to me, for instance).

So there's nothing to be learned from any posts that just give a time frame, and I'm picking up a kind of pointless competitive vibe from a few posts.

My mother died fairly suddenly on a Sunday. We could have had the funeral on the Thursday but as that was OH's birthday, it was on the Friday. I went back to work on the following Monday, so one week off.

About three weeks for both. So a week of bereavement leave and sick leave for the rest. I think I offered to take unpaid for my mum but my lovely manager wouldn't let me. Both deaths completely unexpected and about 20 years apart.

Remember you don't need to take time as compassionate or annual leave - a GP can sign you off longer for bereavement. My advice is don't rush back!

Next day. To each their own.

I lost my mum at the end of November 2023 and her funeral wasn’t for 3 weeks after that. I work in a school so my boss told me not to come back until january, I was in a bit of a mess as I’d only lost my dh 2 years before. I was going to come back before the funeral but was told not too. Glad I didn’t to be honest.

i rushed back to work after dh died. Was far too soon.

We lost our lovely mum, last week, Monday 2nd June. As we are Jewish we have had the funeral and a week of mourning. I am not going to go back to work until beginning of July.

Surely this is simply a case of one size doesn't fit all?

I haven't lost my parents, but I lost my sister really suddenly. My employer gives 2 days bereavement leave, but actually offered me 5 weeks of leave because my sisters death meant her two children were orphaned so we had lots of logistics to work out.

I'm typically someone who just gets on with things and likes the normality of work, so when my parents do pass I don't know if I'll need a couple of days off, a couple of weeks off, or a couple of months off. We're not especially close, but we're not estranged either.

I didn't take any time off, I didn't feel like I needed it and I prefer to keep busy. I was told I could take whatever I needed though. Everyone is different.