Termination yes or no. Sad sad situation

[Vodkaandlemonade]

Our DD is 25 weeks pregnant. Last scan shows the fetous/baby has a few problems.
She spoke to her consultant last week and he has advised she terminates.
She is seeing him again next week. Both her and DH havej had a couple of counselling appointments. Midwife is seeing them everyday.
Only me and her dad know that there is a problem.
We are scared of saying the wrong thing.
I feel awful but she is MY baby and I don't want her to be hurt.
Tonight she asked me what she should do. I couldn't answer.
Her dad couldn't answer.

I’d follow the consultant’s advice

That's absolutely awful OP, I'm so sorry. You just need to be there for your DD, and she'll have to come to her own decision with her partner and the advice of her medical team. What an awful time.

The consultant will not have advised that she terminated, but will have offered it as an option if they believe the abnormalities are bad enough to result in your grandchild suffering significantly after birth.
There is no right decision, just what your daughter feels is best in her circumstances. It is unfair and horrible, I’m sorry.

Tbh op I think this is one you cannot ever answer for her. It's going to be painful either way, but she with the support of her dh needs to make the decision and you can't influence that. What you can do is tell her you'll love and support her no matter what choices she makes and that you'll be there for her irregardless and unconditionally.

If you tell her what YOU think she should do, there's a risk she could do it in order to save herself the agony of making a decision but may then regret it. How then might that impact her relationship with you? If you tell her to terminate but she goes ahead how will that impact on how she feels knowing you think she shouldn't have had her baby.

I really feel for all of you in this op, watching her go through this must be horrendous when as a parent you just want to make it better, but in this instance you can't. All you can do is make sure she knows you're there and that you trust her to make the right decision for them whichever choice she makes.

Your dds physical and mental health is absolutely paramount.

It ( to my knowledge) is unusual for a doc / consultant to recommend a termination unless they really believe it is the best thing to do.

It's easy for me to say when I don't know you or your dd or the exact circumstances, but I think it's the best thing to do.

I am so sorry you and your family are in this situation.

The consultant knows best. Of he is suggesting a termination then I would be guided by them

No one can answer, not even the consultant, at the end of the day it’s your daughter’s choice- but it must be an informed one.

Let her know you are so sorry that she’s in this position, that you will love and support her whatever she chooses and whatever happens, and that you love your grandchild.

I’m sorry you are watching your daughter in pain and anguish. Sending you all love

Practical wise , would suggest she writes down a list of any questions for the consultant and has someone with her who can also take notes or help ensure all the questions are answered.

Agree with PP it would be incredibly unusual for the consultant to recommend she terminates on the basis of fetal anomalies (sometimes it is recommended if it is felt the mother’s life is at risk but really never on fetal grounds). Rather it will have been discussed as an option, particularly if it is felt the baby’s condition is life limiting or likely to have very severe impact. I assume she is seeing a Fetal medicine specialist? All you can do is be there to support her as she makes a very difficult decision. If does not already have professional counselling in place, this might be useful (her Fetal Medicine team should be able to provide this or point her in the right direction). Best of luck in difficult times

Of course she just needs to follow her gut and nobody else’s thoughts. Tell her you’ll support her what ever choice she makes.

Oh I’m so sorry OP, how absolutely heartbreaking.

Instead of answering her I would ask her what she thinks she should do and talk it through with her. Whilst I personally would follow the consultant’s advice, she needs to come to the decision on her own terms.

You can't tell her what path to take but do make it 100% clear that whatever she chooses is the right thing and you will be there no matter what she chooses.

Tell her to follow. Condultants advice

She should do what is right for her, and follow the advice of her medical team.
She should also know that if she decides to end the pregnancy, she’s still allowed to grieve, and hurt, and feel guilty, and everything else she might feel along the way. It’s such a horrible position to find herself in.
I’d want concrete proof of the existence of these conditions, and details about what it meant for quality of life before being able to make a final decision.

I’m so sorry your family is dealing with this @Vodkaandlemonade ❤️

I agree with others - you can’t influence your DDs decision on this. She will come to a decision with her DH which will be the right decision for them.
I’d let them both know that your love is unconditional and that you support whatever decision they make.
I’d offer to do anything I can to help them reach a decision - provided they wanted me to. Does she feel like they need to sit with the consultant and ask questions? Would she like me to be there to take notes and make sure they get all their questions answered?
Does she feel the need to seek a second opinion?

I’m assuming the abnormalities didn’t show at earlier scans so this will have come as an awful shock.

Just wanted to signpost to ARC who are a charity that offer counselling and advice to people in your poor daughters situation. I’m a bereavement hospice midwife, and if she does continue the pregnancy there is a lot of support out there if baby isn’t expected to live for a time after birth. Thoughts to you all.

www.arc-uk.org

I'd be honest and say you are scared of saying the wrong thing you love her etc you want to support her and will support any decision but no one would judge her if she chose to terminate in these circs.

I'd personally follow the consultants advice

A consultant absolutely will have advised a termination if they feel the issues are that severe and life impacting as what happened with my own dsis and a close friend.

Op im so sorry your poor dd is dealing with this. Only she can make the decision. Has she been offered counseling before making the decision?

You tell her that no matter what she chooses, you will be there to support her. Without knowing the details it’s impossible to advise here. Is the issue uncertain or confirmed? Ie is the impact on the baby’s life confirmed? Having been through both the death of a child, and a subsequent pregnancy where there were thought to be problems, I really empathise with how she feels.

Op a pp recommended ARC, I just wanted to say family members can also call ARC for support and advice.

https://www.arc-uk.org/publication/help-for-grandparents/

I see a few people have mentioned ARC but this is a link to their help for grandparents OP. Im sorry for the situation you are all facing.

You need to tell her that there's no decision that won’t lead to heartache and regret. You can't tell her which way to go because the only way she will be able to get through the future heartache intact is with the knowledge that the decision was entirely and freely her own. That you will love her and support her and be there for her no matter what she chooses.

Whichever way she wants to go, she will feel she can't choose that without some kind of external "permission" that the path she wants is ok. Your role, and that of everyone who loves her, is to ensure that she understands that the "permission" she seeks isn't necessary at all, but is nevertheless absolutely guaranteed either way.

If she genuinely doesn't know what she wants then it's better for her to talk through her feelings with people who are a bit more distant - her immediate loved ones are too close to the situation to be a good sounding board, so help her to find someone more neutral to talk about her options with.

Do you mind me asking what issues have been identified? It might be easier for others to respond if we know. It obviously depends on what has been said but if it was me I might be tempted to have a scan elsewhere to get a second opinion.

This was my experience too. Ultimately the decision lies with the parents, but it was my experience that the consultant was very clear that it was their recommendation to terminate due to the severity of the anomaly and the likely impact if the pregnancy went ahead.

The 1967 abortion act says that termination for foetal abnormality may only be considered if there is a substantial risk that the child, if born, would suffer physical or mental abnormalities that would result in serious disability. Two doctors have to sign a certificate of opinion to say that they believe those grounds to have been met.

So l don’t I think there is any room for doubt here - the doctors are bound by the strict guidelines in place and are offering termination as an option. That speaks to the severity of the anomaly. OP, if your DD is asking for advice l think all you can do is explain all of this as gently as possible and tell her that you’ll support her whatever the decision. I’m so sorry you’re all going through this, it’s so hard.

I know it’s unusual for the Consultant to recommend termination but we’ve been in that position and did have the termination.

I agree with the Posters saying that she needs to do whatever her gut is telling her to do, there’s no right or wrong in this situation and you’ll love her whichever option she chooses.