Termination yes or no. Sad sad situation

[Vodkaandlemonade]

Our DD is 25 weeks pregnant. Last scan shows the fetous/baby has a few problems.
She spoke to her consultant last week and he has advised she terminates.
She is seeing him again next week. Both her and DH havej had a couple of counselling appointments. Midwife is seeing them everyday.
Only me and her dad know that there is a problem.
We are scared of saying the wrong thing.
I feel awful but she is MY baby and I don't want her to be hurt.
Tonight she asked me what she should do. I couldn't answer.
Her dad couldn't answer.

My consultant held my hand when she delivered the news that l had cancer and would need expensive surgery. Do you think that was wrong or just an indication that she had enormous empathy and feeling for her patients ? The hand holding had no bearing on the fact that had l refused surgery it would have been a death sentence. And no-one is advocating that the parents don’t do their own research - just acknowledge that sometimes the recommendation for termination is a fact borne out by the doctors’ experience in these matters, and is made within strict legal guidelines.

So well said. 💐

One of my adult children will never live independently and no, it is not the life I would have chosen for him, but I have never thought that I would have aborted him had I known that he wouldn’t grow up to go to university, get a good job, buy a house and have his own family.

There are lots of disabled adults that need support to live as independently as possible, but just because their lives are different to what we all dream of for our children, it doesn’t mean their lives are worthless.

And there are other children and adults that will never live a remotely independent life. They will require round the clock care, they will never walk or talk unaided. They may be confined to bed and unable to communicate at all.

this is not about not going to university or buying a house, it’s about a life consisting of multiple surgeries & long hospital stays with no chance of improvement. A life that inflicts pain and suffering not only on the individual but their family too.

Absolutely, and termination can totally be the right decision for those circumstances. My objection was to the words ‘not termination worthy’ in relation to a disabled person, but I don’t want to derail from the OP’s reason from posting so will leave it at that now.

It was wrong of her to hold your hand yes

Definitely not wrong to hold a hand when someone is getting horrible news particularly if they are alone.
A trainee anesthetist held my hand while her seniors and others were trying to stop me bleeding. Her job was literally to keep me calm.

I agree. Holding a hand is an act of kindness.

@sprinklesandshines can you explain why it is wrong for a consultant to hold a patients hand when delivering bad news?

Because I bet you can’t. And instead you’ve chosen to come on a thread about making a terrible decision, where people have shared deeply personal and tragic experiences and for whatever reason have decided to be unpleasant and contrary.

@Vodkaandlemonade how is you DD and her partner? And how are you, yourself?

Do you have plenty support around you too?

@Needspaceforlego DD and her DH are holding up quite well considering.
Lots of tears. Lots of hugs. Lots of questions getting wrote down to ask.
Another scan is arranged for next week. Everyone is very kind and respectful.
At the moment there are more questions than answers.
As it is being kept private it is Me and DH supporting each other as well as them both.
We are a strong family and quite close.

Bless you and them. Next week must seem like a lifetime away. You'd have thought the NHS could move a little bit quicker.

Ridiculous.

Sometimes the scans are separated so that changes between them can be seen, rather than because there are no earlier appointments.

It’s not a matter of appointments, when I was in this situation all the drs could initially say was that something was wrong due to a measurement and it was only when my baby grew they could actually investigate what the issue was.

It was heartbreaking but all you can do in this situation is is try and find out as much information as you can to make an informed decision.

It took us a month of many tests and scans. The NHS could not have looked after us better at what was the worst time of my life. I am forever grateful to them.

Fair point I never thought about that. I was thinking it would be a more detailed scan rather than the usual ones.

Thank you. I’ve been in and out of hospital all my life because of congenital disability and throughout there have been NHS staff who have provided support in various ways - kind words and emotional support. A handhold when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and again when months of hormone and other treatment failed and I was advised mastectomy was the only option. Then a hug when I arrived as a day patient for the mastectomy and dissolved into tears when the reality hit me. I really don’t understand the viewpoint of people who think that NHS staff should be automatons and not respond to people as human beings. It’s been my experience that they are the people best placed for this kind of support and know from experience how to respond.

I felt very emotional reading this.

Different scenario but a young policeman held my hand as I was being cut out of a serious car wreck by the fire service . I was numb with shock and terror but that small act of contact was the biggest comfort to me.

This is about one person reaching out in a time of utter crisis in a show of humanity. It beggars belief that posters are leaving unkind, judgmental comments on such a sad thread.

OP (and others who’ve shared their experiences), I’m sorry for the derail. I hope your DD is ok, OP. This is incredibly hard for her and her DH, and very sad.

@WelshMoth and now you've got tears in my eyes.
It's was a PPH, baby had arrived a bit quicker than expected, DH wasn't at the hospital. I was terrified thinking, "am i going to die?" Nurses / Midwifes were asking about blood types, false teeth and signing concent forms. I can't remember the young womans name but I remember reading her badge "trainee anesthetist" thinking is that really a job title. That moment of human contact just kept me calm while the others were on the serious business of getting drips in, and trying to stop bleeding.