Termination yes or no. Sad sad situation

[Vodkaandlemonade]

Our DD is 25 weeks pregnant. Last scan shows the fetous/baby has a few problems.
She spoke to her consultant last week and he has advised she terminates.
She is seeing him again next week. Both her and DH havej had a couple of counselling appointments. Midwife is seeing them everyday.
Only me and her dad know that there is a problem.
We are scared of saying the wrong thing.
I feel awful but she is MY baby and I don't want her to be hurt.
Tonight she asked me what she should do. I couldn't answer.
Her dad couldn't answer.

I'm so sorry, what a sad situation and an awful decision for your DD and her husband to make. I'm sorry to you and your husband too x

Plus I would also consider what would happen to that child when she dies. I have a cousin with learning disabilities and mental disabilities. Being deliberately vague but he sees things, hears things, has no concept of danger or empathy.

Not something most would consider termination worthy but he will never be independent, will never be able to be left unsupervised. Requires too much supervision to live in supported accommodation with his sister helping him, she has her own kids and life. The thought of what will become of him when she dies haunts his mum.

I’ve had 2 MMCs and both times we’ve been offered the option of a funeral. You don’t have to go full term to mark the loss of your beloved baby.

Another poster said how the staff treat you with great compassion, this was our experience too.

I’d want to know more about the abnormalities if it were my baby - for what it’s worth both my children were born with the kind of abnormality where some people would consider a termination.

if it were my daughter though, I’d be thinking what is best for her, not the baby.

You just support her to make the best decision for herself.

You haven’t derailed. You’ve very eloquently expressed what l, and no doubt many other posters who have lived experience were thinking. Thank you.

You think you know better than the consultant ?

Where did I say that?

holding a patients hand in any capacity is wrong.

as others have said it falls onto the mother to choose, and this “hand holding” along with what could be perceived as emotional blackmail (hand holding while telling her she needed to do it) may have felt for mum like she had no choice in the matter and that she has to make her decision about whether to terminate her pregnancy there and then. As proven by this thread some people don’t realise that as a mother you’re valid to go away and think about your decision and do research, even if the doctor is skilled in their profession and you do end up going with that decision.

Holding my hand was an act of kindness and support during one of the worst moments of my life. If my dr was “inappropriate” then we’ve lost all humanity.

your comments re emotional blackmail are nonsensical. Why would you imagine any mother would be open to “emotional blackmail” from a doctor? What does that even mean? It makes no sense in the context of a patient dr relationship.

And of course you have to go away and think. They don’t just whisk you into the next room and it’s over and done with it. There’s counselling, appointments, additional scans and tests. But sometimes there simply isn’t anything to research.

I think all you can do is hold your DDs hand and hold her while she rides through this journey, whichever way it goes. And pick her up at the end. That's what Mum's do.

It’s called being human
i have had a dental nurse hold my hand, a guy in theatre when I was struggling with local anaesthetic and one of the theatre team who did my general anaesthetic a couple of weeks ago
it’s a great comfort to someone in pain or struggling

The mental, emotional and physical load of looking after a disabled or chronically ill child are unimaginable for those who have not been through this. Plus the pain and suffering your child goes through and having to watch that evolve.

There was a post on here recently that 40% of parent careers have considered suicide at some point. I would urge your daughter to think very carefully about what condition their baby has and the reality of bringing the baby into the world.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It is your daughter and the babies father’s decision but please make sure they make an informed choice.

No they don’t, they offer as an option.

You are doing the same.

None of our business. There is no need to know anymore than the OP has said. The issue is about the OP and her husband finding the best way supporting her daughter and her partner in making their decision, whatever they decide to do.

I agree with that.

OP, I am so sorry you are all going through this.

Just to say that she does not have to take their advice.

While the consultants will have good reason for what they are saying, it is still very difficult to be sure how serious any potential problems will be. At 25 weeks, that foetus will feel very real to your daughter, and there will be a strong instinct to protect it. If she chooses to go ahead with the pregnancy, she will need your support more than ever, potentially for many years to come.

It really depends what disabilities there are. Some are completely incompatible with life (eg Anencephaly)
, some are severe but manageable (ie downs) and of course OP does not have to divulge. But I think opinions would vary wildly depending on what it was.

This. I also have friends who were repeatedly pressured for a termination when there was no serious reason.
Some consultants are very pro abortion, not just pro choice, and militant about it.

I'm very sorry your daughter is going through this and hope.she finds peace in the situation.

Depending on the issue, I would take into consideration the medical advances they're making these days with AI, gene therapy (in vitro & ex vitro treatments). Predictions are we are going to make huge leaps and advancements in medicine within the next 5 years alone.

Your daughter is probably very attached & in love with her baby already, making the decision seem impossible. Having been in a similar but different situation it's scary, and emotional. I won’t go into the details, however the questions we asked were:

1. Would our child have a good quality of life? What might life for them look like, considering their life as a child, teen & adult.
2. Would they be in pain?
3. Would they need major surgery as a baby?
4. Would we need to provide care for them into adulthood & beyond? If so, would we be able to as older parents?
5. If we continued our pregnancy what would life look like for us as a family unit, and couple?
6. Could we the parents really cope mentally in this situation? Consider previous & current MH.
7. Did we have the necessary family support locally?
8. Would we be able to have another child (fertility issues)?
9. Could I go through with a termination? If not, what would the alternative look like.

These considerations helped us immensely.

You can't make the decision for them, but only be there for them. I'm sorry you're all going through this.

My 2nd DC was born with a very rare condition that is typically found in 2 syndromes. When the paediatrician told us, within hours of birth, my overriding thought was ‘it doesn’t matter’. We had to wait days for confirmation it wasn’t part of the syndromes and then a further 6 weeks for confirmation the condition didn’t need surgeries. During those hours & weeks we didn’t particularly think of what our lives were going to be like with DC - they were here and loved, we would deal with it.

But, I knew during those first hours (and still to this day mainatin) that if DC had been diagnosed invitro with the syndromes I would have terminated. I saw that DC’s life would have been difficult for them, our older DC and what would happen to them after DH and I were gone? I never thought of the impact on mine or DH’s lives - DC was here, loved & would be cared for.

My DC took years of fertility treatment, but I would still have terminated had we had proof during pregnancy. Thankfully DD is fine, not impaired by the condition but does fear it being seen (she’s currently a teenager and self concious) and I too feared her being ridiculed during those early years in school.

While it isn’t your job to advise your DD of what she should or shouldn’t do, if it were me and my DD, I would be discussing the practicalities of life with a new born, toddler, teenager, young adult and adult with needs.

God bless you all.

It sounds like she is really struggling with the weight and magnitude of the decision she is now forced to make. She is asking you for this reason. You can not give an answer, I would just listen, not judge or say anything beyond acknowledging the pain and the difficulty. Comfort her as much as you can.

Only the baby’s parent(s) can make that decision.

But personally I would follow the consultant’s advice.

Sorry this has happened ❤️

Hi there,

im so sorry you find yourselves in this situation. We chose to terminate our second son at 22 weeks. Slightly different in that my waters went but doctors told us that his lungs wouldn’t be viable to make it that young let alone be severely disabled. It was honestly the hardest decision we have ever made but we took the advice from medical professionals as well as thinking what our life could be like if he was to make it and know we made the right one for our family. That said giving birth and knowing you’re not taking a baby home was utterly devastating. I still think of him and what he would have been like often. I sought a fantastic psychologist who I have seen for 3 years and just by choice I decided I didn’t need to see her anymore. So I strongly reccomend your daughter seeks a fantastic grief psychologist if she does choose to terminate. I’m happy to discuss more via PM if you like but sending hugs to you all.

Follow specialist advice.