It’s another “WTF is wrong with me?” Thread.

[Snard4]

I am the absolute queen of procrastination.

running late in the morning; I play games on my phone rather than chivvy the kids, which means they’re rushing around stressed at the last minute. They try and blame each other but it’s usually my fault.

the house is disgusting and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. There is dirt as well as mess. Nobody has clean clothes and if they do, they have to root around in the clean clothes pile to find them.

I hardly ever do my son’s reading/spelling/maths practice, which I feel so bad about.

i feel like I’m walking up a down escalator. Everything is so much effort and then it gets undone just as quickly as it’s been done (eg cleaning, tidying, laundry) so I don’t see the point.

i don’t seem to be able to maintain friendships. People I worked with have stayed in touch despite leaving the workplace, but when I suggest meeting it doesn’t ever happen. Everyone around me seems to have lots of friends.

I’m on sertraline (for years now) but I don’t want to be.

I guess I’m wondering if there are others who feel like this, and if anyone has any words of wisdom to stop me wishing my life away?

thank you

I know what I need to do but I feel like I physically can’t do it. Have I given up? I don’t think so.

example: looking at the top of my drawers and imagining picking up the empty bottles and binning them; putting things away, taking my mug downstairs etc, but just not doing it.

I’ll look into this, thanks.

You don't have to do it all but you need to do ENOUGH.

You need to focus on your children and parenting them, it sounds like borderline neglect if they don't always have clean clothes and are living in a dirty house. When were their bedsheets last changed?

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you need to do the minimum for them.

Have you got a friend or partner who can be an accountability buddy? Message you to check if you've done certain house jobs?

By all means pursue assessment but you need in the mean time to force yourself to do the minimum that your kids need.

@Twelftytwo i completely agree.

i think part of my problem is “good enough” isn’t good enough for me. It needs to be perfect or I won’t do it. My dp can tidy up the house quickly and it looks much better, but it’s not perfect. The carpet isn’t hoovered etc. I have to clean every square cm and can’t move on until it’s done, so the kitchen would be spotless while the rest of the house is disgraceful. Then I get angry that nobody makes the effort to keep the kitchen clean (wiping up crumbs etc) so I think what’s the fucking point, and so we go again.

That sounds more like just being overwhelmed. Start at step one.

If you are articulating it, you can start to fix it.

Maybe counselling would be useful. Get off here and do just one small job.

Well you need to start working on your mindset and stop making excuses.

How?

Aha, yes I wondered this because I'm a bit the same.
Very all or nothing.

I am a "blitzer" so aspire to be someone who does a little bit each day, and sometimes I manage it but more tend to have a blitz when it's built up or someone is coming round.

But I think you need to agree with yourself what the minimum is for your children. Don't worry about the coffee cup in your room, that's your room and your choice. But focus on what they need. Don't let your issues affect them.

If monies allow can you have a weekly cleaner? Mine is not great at cleaning but Shame is quite a strong motivator for me so because I know she's coming I do tidying/surface clearing for her so then she can clean. She does upstairs one week and downstairs the other week. So even though the mess still builds up it's never more than 2 weeks worth of mess/dirt.

“How”

You clearly know what to do. Chose one job and do it. Before you start, imagine what your dh would do in comparison to you. Do that. It’s a step between doing nothing and perfection.

Then force yourself to leave it and move on. Step by step you have to create new habits.

For example, i used to hoover twice a day (and other things). With children that wasn’t possible and be attentive to them. I had to drop standards in some areas to raise them in others.

As they got more active, I even had to leave it to every other day. Now they’re older, I can pick that up again and do it more often.

Because you are self aware about yourself and your habits, you can work to change them. It’s a choice you are going to need to make.

And get off your phone and do just one thing. Each hour do just one thing(p (even if it’s putting some rubbish in a bin or putting just two things away).

I hade to learn to 'potter' to get things done instead of blitzing and getting perfection.

whether you have a diagnosis or not you need to overcome it, find ways to work

Do you work OP? It might be easier for you to increase your hours or income and pay for a cleaner, that’s usually a much better strategy than trying to embrace cleaning !

I do work, yes. I would have to spend a lot of time getting the house ready to welcome a cleaner, though! 😬 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m going to start doing some jobs when I get back from bringing my daughter to her gymnastics class.

How old are the kids? Could you all do some tidying together? Even my toddler can put things in the bin or laundry basket. Get you, your partner and the kids together, put music on and set a timer say 10 mins and how much stuff can you put away in that time if you RUN?

They’re mainly teenagers. They were excellent at picking up after themselves when they were toddlers! 🤣 They are capable, though. They do help when asked/nagged.

Well even better, they’re teenagers so it’s a joint responsibility - are you any good at making lists and delegating? You could do this right now and by noon you’d be in a nicer home and so would the kids.

Sorry op it was bedtime for me last night.

You could have OCD. I have Audhd and OCD. I do not do 'just enough' I do it perfectly or not at all and that is with everything. The concerta i am on for my adhd helps me focus and stop the overwhelm in order for me to do this but again sertraline if you do have adhd is not a good thing. It does not work well for us.

That’s definitely something I need to get better at.

Sorry, that was in reference to delegating to the kids.

I really appreciate your input, thank you.

i have a doctors appointment next week re: the medication (a review) so it seems like a really good idea to ask about alternatives to sertraline.

If the money is there I can't recommend getting a cleaner enough,

You don't have to get the whole house ready, just downstairs at first. And they won't be expecting it to be perfect. My dp takes the piss out of me for "cleaning for the cleaner" but I just tidy and clear a bit.

Before I had a cleaner, I'd get the urge to clean but then by the time I'd finished tidying, I'd be over it and exhausted 😆
A bit of clearing is fine. I try to get the cleaner to come when I'm here. I have one room ready for her to start in then go ahead of her into each room while she's there - I work well to a deadline!

i have a diagnosis of ADHD, i'm also highly likely autistic (did try for diagnosis but before the difference in female presentation was acknowledged, sons dr went over it with me and confirmed reason i was denied wouldn't fly today and i am autistic)

I had to learn to get my head around 'half-assed is better than nothing' because i also have disabled kids and a physical disability of my own that affects energy levels due to chronic pain.

If i didn't half-ass stuff my house would be horrendous. So i might not clean my bedside table, but i will be mindful to bring down my coffee cup (eventually, after 3 days) or i will tidy the living room, but have to vacuum it another day.

I can fill/empty the dishwasher easily, and give the kitchen a once over, but mopping the floor will have to wait for another day.

IF i need to do more of a deep clean i get the kids to help and we take plenty of breaks.

If you have ADHD then doing anything can be a battle against your brain, but you aren't going to ever win that fight if you give up at the first hurdle, and that does involve sometimes literally having an argument with myself and finding little 'life hacks' that work.. like body doubling, using music for dopamine, doing things the moment you think of them and not putting it off til later, routine chaining.

routine chaining btw is like an adult version of 'i went to the shops and i bought' where you start with something you do as routine, like.. taking a plate out to the kitchen after you eat, and you add one thing to that routine.
take the plate to the kitchen.
take the plate to the kitchen & wash it.
take the plate to the kitchen & wash it, and anything else in the sink
take the plate to the kitchen, & wash it, and anything else in the sink, and dry it all up.

once one step in the routine becomes habit, you add one thing to it until both become habit, then add another...etc. it does help!

@Kreepture
thank you! I like the idea of making it into a game!

something that sometimes works for me is to never go up or down the stairs without taking something with me; cups down, laundry up for example. I’ve been trying that today.

I have adhd been medicated for many years, although it does help it hasn't stopped me having adhd, I still struggle hugely 😂😭 housework, I can be very much all or nothing but agree with pp who say something is better than nothing. Set a ten minute timer (do it right now!!) and do some tidying. Don't give yourself time to talk yourself out of it. Go for ten mins then you can stop. You'll probably find you want to keep going once you start but if I try and find the motivation it never comes so I just have to set that timer and force myself to start and promise myself after ten minutes I can stop. I always listen to an audio book when cleaning to keep me interested too have you tried that? Small steps op. Don't try and solve all your issues in one go and don't let the shame cycle cripple you into not doing anything, I promise if you take small steps you'll feel better in yourself and it will motivate you to carry on. You've got this!!

OP, you need to see a psychiatrist. What you’re describing sounds like textbook depression/ADHD. I was exactly like that before I went on SSRIs

thank you