It’s another “WTF is wrong with me?” Thread.

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I am the absolute queen of procrastination.

running late in the morning; I play games on my phone rather than chivvy the kids, which means they’re rushing around stressed at the last minute. They try and blame each other but it’s usually my fault.

the house is disgusting and I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. There is dirt as well as mess. Nobody has clean clothes and if they do, they have to root around in the clean clothes pile to find them.

I hardly ever do my son’s reading/spelling/maths practice, which I feel so bad about.

i feel like I’m walking up a down escalator. Everything is so much effort and then it gets undone just as quickly as it’s been done (eg cleaning, tidying, laundry) so I don’t see the point.

i don’t seem to be able to maintain friendships. People I worked with have stayed in touch despite leaving the workplace, but when I suggest meeting it doesn’t ever happen. Everyone around me seems to have lots of friends.

I’m on sertraline (for years now) but I don’t want to be.

I guess I’m wondering if there are others who feel like this, and if anyone has any words of wisdom to stop me wishing my life away?

thank you

Wow, why was it deleted? I need people to be brutally honest, so thank you. I would be utterly devastated if my kids grew up resenting me for this 😢

Thank you 💐

I’m 44

I was once told that regarding ADHD/low mood that SSRIs (like the sertraline) are designed more for low serotonin in the brain and adhd meds are more dopamine. You sound a bit like me and I have questioned ADHD. I dunno if it’s a lack of motivation, or what but I feel unable to see stuff through a lot of the time.

OP, I also thought of ADHD on reading your post (I have it too as does my son). Please do discuss this with your doctor.

Diagnosis can take some time so it would be worth looking at behavioral things that might help in the meantime (these are all things that you can do whether you have whether or not you have ADHD so there's no harm in seeing if they help). There's good evidence that body doubling is useful for things like household tasks and there are various apps you can use for this- there's one called dubii which I like- basically you put on a video of someone cleaning their kitchen in stages while you clean your kitchen in stages, or fold laundry or whatever. Sounds a bit crazy but it can be genuinely helpful at getting you started and keeping focus.

I also find having tasks in set colours on a plan helpful, and linking songs with particular tasks (so eg pick a song you love and that's now the unloading the dishwasher tune- 6pm is unloading the dishwasher time so the song goes on and you have to do the task before it ends). Basically do whatever you can to make the boring tasks seem urgent and take out any decision-making from the process.

Also the really basic stuff can help with all this - dopamine regulation is easier when you're creating an environment which supports that, including getting some exercise, regular healthy meals, enough sleep, cutting out or down on alcohol etc. Obviously this can be a bit a of a vicious circle as these things themselves are of course easier if you're already regulating dopamine well, but every little helps so it's worth a try to get a virtuous circle started.(NB I am very much not saying that going for a walk etc will solve all your problems, only that there is evidence that this bread and butter stuff can make it easier to make other changes.)

Things that help me...
Leaving my phone in the car when I go onto work (not today obvs!)
Setting a timer to do one thing for 30 mins (so one day I might put as many things away as I can in 30 mins, the next I might dust as many surfaces as I can in half an hour, hoover floors the following day, mop the next, put a wash on and fold dry stuff the next).... it is never perfect but it keeps it (just about) presentable.
Grey screen, app block, timers on apps...
Atomic habits book is helpful in reminding me that small stuff done consistently is better than big stuff once in a blue moon!

Thank you for the suggestions. I love the 6pm song idea; I think eventually, I could get the kids on board with that one. Really appreciate the responses 😊

I don't know that I have anything particularly helpful to suggest OP, but somehow your post struck a chord with me and I feel for you. I've also struggled at times with motivation and putting off jobs.

Like a PP who suggested a 30 minute timer, I found it really useful recently when I felt overwhelmed by mess in each room, to set an audiobook on a 5 min timer and switch between three rooms 5 minutes at a time. Somehow it was so much easier than doing each room fully! I could see the progress I was making and the jobs that still needed doing each time I returned to each room, and I got way more done than I would have done without switching between them.

I'd also try to start small and think what tiny changes you could make that would make life easier. Is meal planning and food prep a big challenge for you? I think you may have mentioned that upthread. It's one of my hated jobs. Would a rotating weekly or fortnightly meal planning help so you don't have the burden of decision making as well as the actual prepping and cooking?

Do you like audiobooks or podcasts? They can be helpful for company in doing a boring task.

Be kind to yourself. We don't all have the same struggles. Having motivation and determination to take small steps to get on top of the chaos is a challenge that you have but others don't, so don't compare yourself to those others (with tidy homes and clean knickers.) They have their own challenges. Just do the best you can. Don't give up.

Well done for going to the gym. Hope you're doing ok.

I agree with this.. Overwhelm. You sound exactly like me and I'm far from right. I'm nice though!

I have been diagnosed with ADHD and the only thing that has helped me is medication. I've tried all sorts of techniques people have suggested on this thread. Advice like taking it a step at a time etc., really unhelpful for me. There were plenty of other symptoms for my ADHD, not just being overwhelmed by housework, btw, but that one gave me a lot of shame.

It's a bit hard to explain but from the first day I was medicated it changed. Usually I might get out of the shower and, with the towel around me, go into the bedroom and get dressed etc. Then I will take the towel back in the bathroom and hang it up. Pre-medication I couldn't do that. The damp towel would stay on the bed all day and later I would beat myself up about it every time. It sounds like a stupid little thing but what was happening was that I would look at the towel and my logical brain would understand that I just needed to hang it up to dry. However I couldn't just see that. I would look at the towel and I didn't just see a towel, I saw my to do list for the day. I saw my shopping list, the washing I needed to get done, the doctor appointment I needed to book, the costume I needed to make for the school play, the medication I needed to pick up for my mum, the dog poo that needed picking up in the garden, and on and on and on. So I felt I couldn't do it because my brain couldn't distinguish picking up the towel from everything else I had to do and a half second glance at the towel became my brain torturing itself. Now turn the towel into everything. There were no simple, clear thoughts in my head. It was all so crowded and confusing.

The first day I started medication for ADHD I hung up my towel straightaway and I have every day since. It's just a fucking towel.

I don't know if I've explained that very well and I'm sure a lot of people will read it and think it's stupid. But that was my life and it was every single job and task I had to do.

I’m going to buck the trend and say you probably don’t have adhd, you are just overwhelmed by modern life that places so much emphasis on accountability to technology, physical possessions and impossible standards. I’m guessing you hold down a job and look like you are functioning to the outside world?

I don’t know what the answer is to all this. I think we could all do with calming the expectations we heap on ourselves and just slowing down a bit. But I don’t know how to make this happen.

i find that if i just let my phone die then i become a lot more productive, sleep better and feel more alert and peaceful. Could you try a digital detox this weekend? Good lik i hope you feel better better soon x

So I felt I couldn't do it because my brain couldn't distinguish picking up the towel from everything else I had to do and a half second glance at the towel became my brain torturing itself. Now turn the towel into everything. There were no simple, clear thoughts in my head. It was all so crowded and confusing.

@FullLondonEye Your post isn't at all stupid. I have ADHD and this section sums up perfectly how I also feel when faced wth even the simplest task. Simultaneously I both see/know everything I need to do and fail spectacularly to do pretty much any of it. It's like being at war with myself.

I do feel like that. The paralysis of looking at something and just being hit by everything, therefore doing nothing. I’m glad you’re doing better now. 💐

Modern life is overwhelming, isn’t it? I don’t have Instagram as I don’t want to compare my life to others’ “best bits”; however, I do have Facebook and it’s just as bad. I have left Facebook a few times but always return.

thanks again all for the lovely replies 😊

I can relate to @FuckKnowsMatee 's post as I grew up in a very untidy and filthy house.

I was embarrassed to bring friends home, and I used to spend ages cleaning and tidying before anyone came round.

Hi OP, I'm coming out of years of lurking to post on your thread as I identify with it a lot. I'm undiagnosed ADHD and probably autistic too (my DS13 is also likely ADHD). From my hours and hours of research I realised dopamine plays a huge part in my ability to get stuff done at home.

I could easily while away hours on my phone, instead of doing what needs doing in the house. The dopamine hit you get from scrolling on your phone is incredibly addictive. So, you could try to think of anything that needs doing as a task to complete, and mentally tick it off your list (or have a physical list to tick if that works better). Ticking tasks off a list gives your brain a dopamine hit, which can then lead you to want to tick off the next thing...
For big jobs like tidying messy areas, I put music on, which also helps with the dopamine 😊

Starting with easy jobs helps, then I get into a flow and manage the bigger jobs much more easily.
Good luck!