Bored with everything and need a new lease of life, is it due to perimenopause or just realising you aren't young anymore? Any ideas for making the most of life?

[Beached8]

Mid 40s, lucky enough to have lovely DH and primary aged kids who are getting out of needing you every two minutes stage after years of fertility issues.

I feel like one minute I was 30 and now I've woken up and I'm "old". I know I'm not really old and could live to 90, and that I should appreciate as I'll never be this young again 😂.

I'm also worried about the future for our kids as everything is so much harder than it was 20/30 years ago - housing is so expensive, school is more intense, cost of living has skyrocketed and it's harder to get jobs. I don't think that helps add to a feeling of existential dread.

I'm bored of my job, need to be less frazzled to progress. DH and I haven't done many things since the kids and the years of fertility issues/losses were so overwhelming that everything else slipped away. Lots of friends have moved away, so that hasn't helped. I also need to work on exercise/makeup/clothes as that has taken a backseat over the years. Going to work on reading more/learning about new subjects and doing more fun things with the kids and/or DH.

Does anyone else feel like this and want to join? Or is it just me? I think this is the point were middle aged men want a Ferrari😂

Oooh. This is definitely where I’m at too. 52, functional on HRT, kids at varying stages from late primary up. Marriage staggering along. I keep pushing myself, but it’s all a bit of an effort. And I’m just knackered. All the things (except kids) that I thought I’d do…I’ve not. And I guess I always thought I would one day, but it’s increasingly obvious I actually probably won’t treck in Venezuela, practice as a Psychoanalyst, run marathons, write a book, hang a painting in the Tate, or live out my life with my one true love.
I know I’m really massively lucky to have what I’ve got, and mainly I’m just frustrated that im frittering my life away and not appreciating it. I’m not going to get any of this time again but from one day to the next I just can’t get consistently towards where I want to be. I think I’m bored with myself so god knows how other people see me.

I hear you and join you. Early 40s here with dc 10&14.
i have no advice apart from building in planned positive things(even tiny) and thinking about maximising sleep.
I think it is a common mid life phase.

I've found my people.

I feel exactly the same, am also 47. Kids are getting older so don't need me in the same way.
I feel meh, I look meh. I'm bloody knackered despite a healthy diet and exercise and I seem to be spending a lot of money on Willpowders. Work is stressful. My friendships seem to have stagnated and I feel lonely.

I can't shake that :( feeling though I don't feel I've got the right to.

Blimey @Artart did you write that from
inside my head!? 😭 Absolutely yes to the frustration of feeling that you’re frittering it away.

I relate to so many of the posts here 😕

I think a common problem in this situation is that we’ve lost touch - if we ever knew - with what gives us joy. So I’m on a journey to rediscover that - how do I like to move my body so it will serve me for a long time? what types of art do I enjoy? do I like baking or do I just think I should? I try things, write about them, see how I feel and decide what I keep
and what I leave. I try broadly to bucket these things into wellbeing (mental and physical), relational (friends, family and community) and contribution (work and volunteering). There’s overlap and some things don’t quite fit. But it’s really helping me find myself - I’m in my early 50s, hate my job, have just come out of a long term relationship which ended badly and am about to be an empty nester. So I was lost but I’m trying to find myself intentionally. It helps that I have time and (some) money but I think this idea of experimentation and reflection works on a very small scale too.

I could have written your post OP, almost word for word.

Same age and can totally relate. My child is 5. Since they were born I've mostly stopped exercising, put on a bit of weight, and have no idea how to dress my new shape. Work is frustrating, but daunting to change career at 45.

This is exactly me. No idea how to improve it. Everything is pretty much okay but I get this creeping sense of dread and I’m wondering if hrt is the answer

me too ! Im so bored with everything ,,, but too unmotivated to change any of it . I keep waiting for this phase to pass

I had dd quite young so think when I hit 40 she was 16. I joined a gym for my 40th birthday. Still go several times a week years on.

in my mid 40s I took up road cycling and joined a club.

I’ve made some really good friends through both those activities. I honestly felt I got my life back. Mostly to do with dd being older I guess.

I’ve recently taken up painting. Which is nice for lazier days.

keeps me busy, learning new stuff, etc.

Same here. Have been thinking the exact same thing about myself today. I have no drive. I can barely even commit to a TV series.

I also had a career change at 40yo, have a much more interesting and fulfilling career now. Better paid too. Lost 2 and a half stone too. My 40s have been great. But I definitely had to push myself out my comfort zone to make the changes.

Very similar. Work, well I can't be motivated to try and get back to pushing myself. It will just feel like more of the same, with higher expectations of me. I think I'd prefer to coast, but it is so dull.

I have gone back to some old hobbies, and that's worked well. I've met some new people, pushed myself again and whilst it's boring, discovered that doing hobbies really early on a Saturday sets me up really well for feeling motivated, even if I mostly need to return home to domestic duties. Until I went back to these things, I really was feeling very fed up.

I think you have kids and they consume everything - your entire existence revolves around them - what job you do, where you live, what you eat, how you socialise, holidays….everything.

Then they suddenly dump you and you’re twenty years older than when you were last able to please yourself and can’t remember how to live.

What was your career change?

Sauvin, that’s definitely a lot of it. I’ve had young kids for so long I don’t recognise myself in any sense and I’m wrung out parenting while peri means I’m losing any hormonal drive to ‘mother’ anymore. (I love them to bits, but I feel a little cheated, like I’ve woken up from some sort of hormonal spell).
I hope I can dig myself out of the fug. I used to be fun I think?

It doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m mid-40s too. I ditched the useless husband I didn’t fancy and am now dating and having the time of my life.

I stayed at home with the kids for years when they were small and launched a freelance career to facilitate that. It’s a fascinating job which allows me to work from anywhere, so as the kids are getting older (teens) I’ve started travelling.

Having a flexible job has also allowed me to stay in touch with friends more during the week, and I’m not frazzled or stressed. I’m looking forward to the future and travelling and working more.

Sorry - I appreciate that sounds a bit boastful but I wanted to point out that there is still life to be lived! You just have to make changes.

I think this is the mistake a lot of women make. They give everything to the kids and then have nothing left when they leave.

I did something like this last year (well, 4,days in a one bed Airbnb in a village near nice towns with second hand bookshops) and it was lovely - if you can pull this off, do!

Hmmm… I wouldn’t say I have “given everything” to the kids, but of course they are a factor every single day for a couple of decades, for both me and DH. They need food, clothes, interaction, guidance, lifts, to be housed fairly close to their schools etc etc

Relate to so much of this. I'm going to ask for HRT and hoping that'll make a difference, as I feel like I've tried so many other ways to feel better. Have been exercising regularly for a year, no alcohol for a few years now, minimal caffeine, 8 hours sleep. Also joined hobbies / joining social groups but I really can't be bothered at the moment.

I have found my people! In my case some of it is lack of time; I have a full-time job together with a six weeks a year part-time job (the first employer has been very generous in letting me flex my working time to fit in the second one, but that doesn’t reduce the workload). The plan is to transition to the second job full-time when I have enough experience and a vacancy comes up, but in the meantime I’m frazzled. I know the current set-up isn’t sustainable in the long run. DD is 15 and needs me a lot less, but I do actually want to spend time with her.

What makes a difference for me is travel and live theatre, sometimes both together. A lot of old friends have drifted, and I feel sad about that, but I’ve made new ones through going to plays with former colleagues. It’s a bonding experience when you all decide a play is so awful you’re going to run off at the interval and get cocktails instead. And I love opera and ballet - I go with DH and DD, separately or together, as well as with friends. I’ve really focused since Covid on always having a few things in the diary to look forward to, and it really helps.

Yes. I have an amazing job. I cannot really moan about that. But I have zero flex about say, going to dinner or for drinks after work. Same for networking. Really difficult. So the things you can usually do are off limits.

I hear you OP!! I had a moment today where I thought that it would be easier to just admit defeat and let myself go and be ‘old’ and happy 🤣 on a positive note I started a class a year ago and it’s a whole new side to my life I’m slowly building up xx

Yep, feel same - a bit lost… now my kids are young teens and don’t need me so much it’s like I’ve just come up for air and forgotten who I am! Perimenopause and kids growing up is a strange combo.

I don’t really know what clothes I like anymore… I have no real hobbies and now I do have time for them I just end up watching tv or scrolling as motivation is lacking! and friends have dropped away over the years. Lost confidence to try new things but trying to start with little things like making effort with actually doing make up nicely and try some new styles of clothes… going to make a list of hobbies I used to like and give those a go.

like the idea of having things booked in the diary to look forward to- guess it’s just being proactive and planning things, but years of having to think about babysitters first/money being tight means we have completely gotten out the habit.

after years of being ambitious, the career ladder just leaves me feeling meh, had some time out of work and now looking for something with ‘purpose’ if that even exists!!?

some comfort in knowing there’s a lot of us feeling the same.