Need a hand hold - husband sick in a foreign country

[Surf2Live]

Firstly, I'm getting through this, but I'm all alone and I don't want to burden him with my fears and there's no one I can speak to right now to support me.

We are digital nomads. When everything is working well, it's a fantastic sense of freedom and I love my life. But when things go wrong, it's enormous pressure.

Last night I drove him to the hospital, after a few days of being unwell, the pain was getting worse. When I suggested it, he said okay, then I knew it was definitely time to go. We got back to our accomodation at 4am.

We just arrived in a new country 2 days ago. Neither of us speak the language. It's not close to either English or Spanish, the two languages we do speak.

I'm navigating a foreign country, new city, no language skills, scared for my husband who is sleeping a lot and quite unwell, all while still having to run my online business.

Tomorrow I have to drive us to our next city where thankfully we have a 2 month say organised. It's a 3 hour drive. I can do this. I have to unload the car in the centre of the new city into a new apartment, with a sick husband. I can do this, I know I can, but it's still a lot.

The business relies upon me mostly. I'm the primary content creator. I trained two other employees but neither of them can yet do my job. So I have about 2 hours work to do tomorrow before we can leave, or after we arrive. Luckily my business can be flexible.

I guess, all I want here please is some hand holding because I'm so alone right now. I have so much on my shoulders, which normally is fine when I have my husband by my side to support me, but when he's sick I'm so alone.

OP, I really feel for you - not just losing your DH, but doing so alone in a foreign country and in traumatic circumstances. Thinking of you and sending love. xxxx

I'm so sorry xxx

I’m so sorry you have been through so much. You have been so brave and it sounds like you had a wonderful life together. I wish you a safe journey x

Thank you very much all for your kind messages. I'm now in London, staying with a very good friend, so I have support. I need time to sell my car and whittle down my bags ready for the flight to NZ. I'll be back there in a couple of weeks.

I'm still disassociated. I still can't believe he's gone. I push it to the corner of my mind and shy away from it. I can't face it. Not until I'm back in NZ with my family, but even then, I don't know if I can or if I will. Not yet.

None of this makes sense. I don't want to do any of this, but there's no one else to do it for me.

I've had so much to deal with, so much to organise. I'm slowing down a little here in London with my friend. Next I go to my sisters home and stay there with her and be with my son.

So thank you all for your kind messages of support. I have support IRL right now and when I'm in NZ I'll be totally enveloped with love from my family. Maybe then I can turn to face my husband being gone. Until then, it just makes no sense and I expect any minute to wake up from this nightmare.

I just cannot fathom how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without him. I love him so much. I want him back.

My heart aches for you, OP.

You are right to "shelve" the anguish and grief until you have the space and safety to face them.

So glad to hear you are at last among supportive friends and family. Safe trip home. X

You don’t have to face anything just yet op, you are already managing this brilliantly. The shock must be horrendous and sickening. You only have to take your life minute by minute. Don’t think how you will deal with the future, just hold your son - be present for him if you can. Stay in a cocoon wherever possible, and accept every last offer of help.

You may be in a living hell, but it sounds like a great deal of comfort and care has come your way, that in your moment of greatest need human kindness and love was there. Your family will be waiting for you, try to eat and sleep, don’t be afraid to ask the gp if you need extra help in the early days. One day you will look back on this young you, and feel very proud of yourself navigating such a deeply traumatic time. We are here too op. When you need us.

I am so sorry for your enormous loss.

@Surf2Live Good to read your update and to know that you have got support irl and will soon get more when you are back with your family. Have been thinking about you

As others have said, you have been amazing sorting out the things you needed to and you just need to take one day at a time and come to terms with what has happened in your own time. It'll be upset and downs for a while, some days better than others. Let your family look after you for as long as you need.

Like everyone here, I am devastated for you. To have a love like that and have it snatched away is heartbreaking. I am holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

Soon you will be home. I am wishing you peace.

Really sorry to read this, OP. You must be reeling from the shock and trauma.

I'm so, so sorry Surf. This is a terrible shock for you and your son.

Unimaginable pain & like everyone who is fortunate to be married to their soul mate I dread the day this happens. To love & be loved in return is the greatest gift life can offer. You have a wonderful family who will keep you close 🌹🙏

im so sorry what a shock! Hoping you can come to terms with your loss surrounded by your family and precious son. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. Safe flight home

I have his last moments as he died in my arms like a video in my head. It was a horrible death and I won't share the gory details, it was like a real life horror movie as the love of my life died. The two of us alone, in a foreign country.

It's like a mental tourettes, it comes to me and I can't turn it off. So I keep thinking puppies and kittens, puppies and kittens.

I'm living in a horror movie, and his life is over too soon. It's not fair for either of us.

My friend is out today, I've been cooking all day. Batch cooking for us both. I'm going to go out and be amongst people, hopefully it will take the mental tourettes away for a little while.

When I get to my sisters home I'm going to find a therapist who specialises in grief and trauma. I'm still in shock. I know I need help.

I don't actually know how you deal with so much shock and trauma. "Puppies and kittens" sounds like a superb mental health strategy, but it must be like trying to put a small plaster over an amputated limb. You will find a way forward because you have to, but I wish I could administer the emotional equivalent of a powerful anaesthetic.

So sorry @Surf2Live there’s no words 💐

I’m so so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you. 💐

Im so so sorry for your tragic loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through right now. Therapy sounds like a good idea to help you work through the trauma. I hope you find peace and strength 💐

So much to deal with @Surf2Live - the trauma of what happened and your brain trying to deal with it it and then the natural grieving process, the first stage of which is often denial. I’m so sorry, it is an awful lot to handle.

This is going to sound really crazy but I read somewhere that playing Tetris when your brain replays a traumatic event can really help some people. Something to do with the combination of having to concentrate and the eye movement.

I just looked it up! Unfortunately you have to do it early on, like within 6 hours of the traumatic event 😞

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/202502/how-tetris-might-help-prevent-ptsd

I’m so sorry, @Surf2Live, what an awful experience. 💐 How is your son coping? Is he old enough to understand what’s happened?

He's 24 so he's all grown up. He's lost his stepfather, his male role model. He's grieving too.

@Surf2Live Take care of yourself and yourself to grieve. I think that your plan to see a therapist is an excellent idea. 💐