Sexist comments about having daughters

[FondOfOwls]

I have two young DDs (both under 8). They are amazing and everything DH and I ever hoped for.
Neither of us had a particular preference when it came to their sex when I was pregnant: I know some people feel strongly about it, but since it’s not something you choose, we weren’t that bothered. In fact, when I was pregnant with DD2, DH really wanted to have a second girl, and I had to remind him he doesn’t get to choose!
So why, oh why, do random strangers and acquaintances deem it okay to make rude and sexist comments about my children?! An old school friend (mother of one son) randomly asked me if we’re going to try for a son ‘for my DH’. I asked, ‘Why?’ I didn’t really get an answer; my reply was, ‘No, because he’s not sexist.’
Recently, a couple of neighbours were saying how they expected a DS after having a DD to have ‘one of each’. Okay, funny thing to say as a parent, but then again I was never really bothered about it myself.
But then came a barrage of comments from the male neighbour to my DH about how he must want to have a son too: who will he play football with? Racing games? He will have to turn one of our DDs into a tomboy, etc.
Bless my DH, he just said, ‘Not really, we play racing games together already and I don’t really like football.’ I had to stop myself from saying something much more poignant.
How do people deal with these comments? We will definitely not be ‘trying for a boy’ ever; we just wanted two children, and we are super lucky to have them. For the record, I would have been equally happy if I had two DS. I just can’t believe the blatant sexism from relatively young people; I was hoping attitudes like that are dying off.

@kiki777 you are just doing the same thing the OP is complaining about.

I have one of each. My DD likes football probably more than my DS . I didn't care what I had as long as they were happy children. I feel your pain, OP. You would think things would be different these days but unfortunately, I fear, it seems to be just as bad as when I was growing up. You and your husband sound fantastic parents to your daughters !

They are not very bright people trying to make conversation. Avoid people like that.
Or they are super jealous. You have two of the best kind.

I would never make comments like this
But I wanted a boy and a girl and am very thankful that’s what I got

It's going to start pouring "my daughter likes football and cars" and "my son loves ballet and dolls". Which is good of course.

But ultimately we need to remember that stereotypical shit isn't nature. From a very young age, by age 1 even perhaps or not much later, children have absorbed what society directly and indirectly has taught them about what's for girls and what's for boys. Girls will be getting negative feedback for playing with cars and boys will be getting negative reinforcement for playing with dolls and quickly they get it. Even if nothing is said. Parents don't generally buy babies and dolls for boys. Most don't buy masses of cars and work benches for girls. So it's simply never availabe. Nature is discarded.
And there will be people directly all around us, making little girls do "girls" activities and boys will be pretty much forced into football by 18 months. Your child will come across such children in nursery and school and they'll tell her what's for girls and what's for boys.

You can try and offset this shit at home..
Raise your children without any gender expectations and make ballet and football and dolls and cars avialabe to all. They'll still be probably be more likely to adopt behaviours more associated withntheir sex. Especially from watching mum and dad practicing those behaviours themselves.

Worth remembering intelligent people don't make comments you've been receiving.

It's just the same the other way round, I had two boys, and the comments I got about the disappointment I must feel at not having a girl were ridiculous.

The worst was a (former!) friend of mine, who looked into the cot when my DS2 was born, and said 'Never mind, will you try again?'

Try having sons and no daughters.

And yet not a single point I made is a lie.

How so when I’m just trying to make mothers of daughters see the brighter side of things. As a mother to a daughter I too got those stupid comments and it took some time for me to start seeing the positive in having a little girl. So yeah I’m gonna keep repeating this until every mother even those in cultures that abort little girls see this and absorb it.

I'm due my second son next month and have had people ask me already if I'll go again for a girl. I just laugh at them and tell them not to be ridiculous

I'm a lesbian adopter with two dds. Was amazed at how many people assumed I had chosen a girl because of my sexuality, or even that I had adopted in order to be able to choose a girl. Well no, it was the social workers who would only allow us to adopt a girl.

Yes, I was agreeing with you about girls playing football, and I also know what you mean about people assuming that DH's like football too - mine isn't fussed about it and much prefers to don his walking boots.😂

I have 2 girls (born in 1990s) but have only had this said to me once by an Asian woman colleague soon after I started a new job. I said ‘nah, can’t stand boys, nasty things’ which shut her up.

You are probably a nicer person than me OP because I think most people who know me would not dare to say that.

I've had SO many comments like this after having 3 DS. Often in front of them which I find staggeringly rude.. as if we only kept trying to get DD... how did that make them feel?

I actually did have a DD who died before birth, swiftly followed by two miscarriages. Most people don't know that because it's none of their damn business. But it's irrelevant anyway. I've been blessed with my children and am nothing but grateful.

I have 2 daughters and have never had anyone saying to me about trying for a boy.

I have one girl and one boy. We had years of fertility issues so we decided that if I was lucky enough to fall pregnant a second time, then that would be it as mentally and emotionally, we couldn't do it again, plus I'm 39 this year! When I was pregnant with DS, who is now 4 months old, someone said, "I hope it's a boy so that you don't have to have another one." Yeah...we would have been grateful even if it had been a second girl, and we definitely wouldn't have tried again! People just don't think before they speak

Interestingly, research shows that men are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.
For our DC now 20 and 22, having a same gender sibling has been absolutely the best outcome.
You’re happy. Ignore them.

2x DDs this end too. Had the odd comment when they were younger but it’s def stopped now they’re older. I agree with a previous comment to say “what an odd thing to say” and leave them hanging. People are just strange. I know so many people who would long for just 1 healthy happy child so I know how lucky we are to have 2 gorgeous girls.

When I was pregnant with my second boy, after a year of trying and one miscarriage (and one healthy boy) my friend said her friend was ‘absolutely devastated’, yes, they used the word devastated, to find out she was pregnant with a boy.
I was devastated when I had a miscarriage but each to their own……

Where is this research from? Although I would not be surprised, seeing the blatant sexism of some fathers!

You still get the “are you having a third” snide comments when you’ve got one of each.
I tell people I’ve got two hands, one for each of them, and it can be their hands or their necks depending on their behaviour.
or that there’s two of us and two of them, so we can both run in different directions if we need to!

I had a son and then a daughter and a family member said to me “oh I’m glad you’ve got one of each, now you don’t need to have any more”. Well I still wanted 3 children so did indeed have another 🙃

I got the same the other way round too. Some people seem to see having children as some sort of hobby where you collect the set, rather than an act of love which grows (produces) an actual human being.

Try being a mother of sons and hsve people say " a son is a son until he finds a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life" and go on about how you can go shopping with a girl and have spa days and boys are JUST SHIT !
The sympathetic head tilt, the endless threads on here about mothers in law, the gender disappointment people waffle on about which is always about boys.

If we as a society want to stop toxic masculinity and gender stereotyping, we should make sure all babies and children know they are valuable and loved just for themselves not their bloody sex.

I think I would have been less surprised if it was someone older/from traditional background telling my husband he 'needs a son', not a couple of professionals under 40! Less shocked at my 'friend' as she's got a form for saying stupid things. Just disappointed these sort of views are still going strong I suppose.

@Bigearringsbigsmile MIL and FIL just left our house, my DH is a loving son and we see them frequently. DDs rode on poor FILs back, I hope he will be able to get up in the morning! My family live far away and we don't see them nearly as much. I would be fuming at those comments too.