Holiday dilemma with DC

[Timepoorandpoor]

Only one of my children sees their dad (lots of reasons) and he is inevitably taking that one abroad for a holiday in the summer.

My other children have not had a holiday in many years due to finances.

They are pushing to go abroad whilst DC1 is away with their dad. I have looked and it does bring the price down to “affordable” but it’s sitting really wrong with me.

I feel like I’m saying to that DC1 that I’ve waited until they’ve gone and booked something nice. I know DC1 would love to come on holiday with us all and I think would be incredibly hurt by this (she’s 8) as her relationship with her siblings can be strained due to her volatile behaviour at times and she would feel we’d left her out.

If I’m honest I’m torn with guilt whatever I do. I feel like if I can’t afford for everyone then we don’t go, but in reality I can’t afford for everyone to go.

I feel shit over the holiday situation in general anyway.

Honestly, OP, if you're inclined to do something separately with your teens, and you can afford it, I'd seriously consider the holiday abroad they've actually indicated they would like, as it will make their year!

Whilst budget hotels in East London/cinema/shopping centres/jolly free walking tour of Georgian architecture all have their place, they're not what many (if any) teenagers would consider a memorable main holiday.

I don't see the point in spending hundreds of pounds in London for a couple of days, just so you can say to your youngest daughter you didn't have a "holiday" without her.

I'm obviously in the minority but I think it's fine to take 2 teens on holiday without an 8yo. They're at different stages of life. Just like you might pay for a school trip for an older child (but I'm presuming that's probably not been possible for you). I'd take them to Paris for a few days or something like that - that sort of trip is best without young kids.

Your 8yo hasn't missed out on many life experiences yet due to your circumstances - what children that age need is quite basic and a lot of families don't take young kids abroad. But I'm guessing the teens have missed out on quite a lot compared to their peers and you want to give them some 'life experiences' so they don't feel like the odd ones out. That's more important than your 8yo getting two holidays.

I think considering the 8yo doesn’t have a choice but to go with her Dad, YABU to go away without her.

@Timepoorandpoor- just throwing this into the mix - if you come to Devon or Cornwall, Hamilton is on at the theatre in Plymouth at the end of August and the tickets will be a lot cheaper than London…..

Have you all got passports? What are the dates you can go, budget, and nearest airport?

You can Eurocamps really cheaply as you pay a set fee for the accommodation regardless of how many are in there (max 6). Last week of August is a good time to go to France as the French schools are back so it’s much cheaper. If you can drive you can take most of what you need and self cater. Some of the parks are fab and the weather in the South of France would be lovely then.

Alternatively Tui do free child places on some holidays.

I'm obviously in the minority, I would absolutely take the teens away on their own. It isn't fair that the younger one has had multiple holidays while they have had none

Of course you can go away without your youngest whilst she’s away. Yes she might be upset but she will also be on holiday. Whilst you shouldn’t keep a secret from her, your other two are old enough to be told not to make a big deal of it around her.

I know you want to do right by your youngest but your eldest two sound like they have had a rough time also and need a treat. If you can afford a week abroad with them, then do it.

Totally agree with this. I think people are coming up with lots of cheaper options to try and keep everyone happy but in reality will probably be make no one happy. Just give your teens a holiday.

I don’t know where OP lives. Our flights in August are approx £600 for all 4 of us including a couple of cabin bags. In May that might be a bit more but the week accommodation would probably be around £400 & there are loads of sites in South of France & some in Spain.

I don’t know why people are suggesting theatre breaks in London or cottages in Northumberland when OP would like to take them abroad.

@Timepoorandpoor that’s terrible that he doesn’t give you any financial support for the day to day costs of the children but then spends a fortune on the youngest. It’s obvious he js trying to mess with their minds. What a horrible way to treat the eldest two. I think they deserve a holiday.

She literally said they want to do a theatre break in london.

OP there are also tons of amazing free things to do in london, whatever their interests: https://www.timeout.com/london/things-to-do/free-london

It’s because you’re a caring mum that you feel this way. Either way you can’t win. Guilt not going, guilt for going. But I would go for a week with the 3 of you and have a nice time.

You're feeling bad whatever you choose because you've taken on a responsibility that isn't and can't be yours. There's an imbalance in your family because of choices your ex and your older two have made. It's not within your power to even things out. By all means feel sad about that but don't blame yourself for it.

The best you can do is arrange for your oldest two to have a comparable experience to your daughter's, ie time away with one parent doing age specific things. I think it's important not to do things that your youngest would also like to be doing and I'd get the oldest two involved in what that might look like. It doesn't even have to be a holiday as such if it has a big enough wow factor. Is there a teen equivalent to things like a day trip to Paris for lunch or tea on the Orient Express?

I think considering these are all of you and her dads children it does change things .

she goes with dad and the others go with you.

what is your relationship like with ex H? Would he pay for little go to go with you instead? Help to pay for older 2 as he doesn’t take them away and you all go together?

Well she mentioned the theatre break herself so perhaps thats why people are suggesting it?

Looking at self catering in the UK is because for around 700 quid she could book somewhere in Devon and Cornwall (her preferred areas) for all 3 of them together in the week she wants. Vastly cheaper than even the cheapest flights and accomodation to go abroad.

If the 2 olders go on a separate holiday its all but impossible to keep that low key, they'll want to talk about shared experiences and memories. OP implies there is a bit of division between the children as it is, why build in more. The daughter isnt going to be talking so much about her holiday on return (with her father) because its not a shared experience, she might mention some of it but she cant 'share' that experience with her siblings because they werent there.

Therefore its unbalanced from the start.

OP will do what best fits but posters have been helpful setting out different options for to consider based on what she said she would like.

Do a different type of break? There's a holiday on voyage prive to Prague that would fit the dates for just under a grand including flights on the 24th. You could take her when she's older.

Bring the older two away. It's not fair on them.

I would take them abroad.
Firstly break in London will be expensive. Yes you can stay far out like Stratford..and get the cheapest seats for a show, but for three adults £150 a day in London won't go far. You'll chew through £20-30 in tube / bus fairs. Sadly even cheap pizza type restaurants you'll be looking at 60+ pounds easily.
Cottages in UK...ditto...weather might be shite, do you want to cook every night ? What do you do in the rain with bored teens ?

Go abroad... euro camp is excellent idea, get the dog a pet passport and take them too. France will have glorious sunny weather, there'll be other teens on site for them to meet, there's a pool, fresh croissants for breakfast...simple cheap meals outside with the excitement of a foreign supermarket!

I don't agree that every child has to be treated exactly the same, your youngest is getting a holiday...why should the others not? And YOU ..you deserve a holiday

It sounds as though he's lavishing gifts on your daughter as a punishment to other children, kind of showing them what they are missing.

I would take the older ones away. Whether that is by finding something cheap enough in the last week of August, or just them when the younger one goes if you can find something cheap enough. I do believe you should easily find somewhere in the last week of August in Europe, as most European and Scottish schools are back by then.

Another thing I did when my kids were younger is Eurocamps. Depending on if you drive, live close to a ferry they are great and have discounts for single parents and are not per person. Everything you need is there from recollection. One near Paris was good. Apparently if you book through the Polish website savi gs to be made, I also camped in ready erected tents in Jersey (beautiful) and the Isle of White. Loads to do. My favourite Welsh ace Abersoch but expensive to stay there.

Go on holiday with your other two, their dad is playing favourites and your youngest is reaping the benefits. You taking the other two on holiday, isn’t playing favourites but it is making sure all of your DC have a holiday. If youngest is unhappy when she comes back from hols, you can explain that it’s fair, all of them went away this year, that her siblings feel excluded when she goes away with dad and they don’t get a holiday.

On the other hand, should the elder two be punished because they chose not to see their father due to his actions towards them
They are not punished, they simply don’t benefit from holidays with him as they don’t want to see him.

This sounds like jealousy from your older DC, and you would be really unfair to pander to it. What message does it send to your youngest: siblings don’t want to see their dad so I’m taking them away, you don’t have a choice so I’m not taking you.

Also, plenty of holidays will have a similar price for 3 adult/teens or 3 adult/teens + a 8yo.

I don’t know where you are looking to fly from but JET2 have Spain for all of you in budget (£1500) on 24th August. Expedia have Majorca, TUI have random locations - all in budget. EasyJet more expensive.

also check Live holidays and Ryanair?

I would do cheap, overseas. As long as area is safe and there’s a pool, supermarket nearby will be fine.