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Original poster

Holiday dilemma with DC

142 replies

Timepoorandpoor · 29/05/2025 21:10

Only one of my children sees their dad (lots of reasons) and he is inevitably taking that one abroad for a holiday in the summer.

My other children have not had a holiday in many years due to finances.

They are pushing to go abroad whilst DC1 is away with their dad. I have looked and it does bring the price down to “affordable” but it’s sitting really wrong with me.

I feel like I’m saying to that DC1 that I’ve waited until they’ve gone and booked something nice. I know DC1 would love to come on holiday with us all and I think would be incredibly hurt by this (she’s 8) as her relationship with her siblings can be strained due to her volatile behaviour at times and she would feel we’d left her out.

If I’m honest I’m torn with guilt whatever I do. I feel like if I can’t afford for everyone then we don’t go, but in reality I can’t afford for everyone to go.

I feel shit over the holiday situation in general anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timepoorandpoor · 29/05/2025 22:45

soupyspoon · 29/05/2025 22:43

Im looking for places with 3 beds by the way as Im assuming the 24th is the date you can take all 3 away with you?

Yep, 24th we can all go. Bonus points if we can take the dog!

Thankyou for doing this x

OP posts:
Tbry24 · 29/05/2025 22:46

Is there anything the teens would really like to do? Mine used to be into history so anything like that, which the younger sibling would not enjoy anyway?

Make it about them and btw well done to them for not seeing their dad. I was the eldest in a very similar set up growing up. My younger siblings were taken away by one of my parents I wasn’t even invited. My other parent was not even aware of how I might feel so I used to go and stay a night with a grandparent.

fashionqueen0123 · 29/05/2025 22:49

Just take them away! Why should they be at home while the little one is abroad somewhere? Go and enjoy yourselves. They’re teens. In a few years they won’t want to go away with you. Don’t miss this time now. Life is too short. Your youngest has plenty of time to go away with you.

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Families
Readytohealnow · 29/05/2025 22:57

GranTeton4 · 29/05/2025 21:54

You cant leave on of your children out, horribly unfair... its not their fault they have a better father then your other children.

Also if taking the kids abroad is just about affordable with 2 of them only then why cant you save for a year and take all 3?

I have the impression that this man is father to all 3 children, but the older 2 have decided to go NC, but the youngest is not allowed to make that decision yet due to her age.

soupyspoon · 29/05/2025 22:57

This link, should have 188 properties, 4 people, 3 beds, 1 pet, south west (not necessarily just Devon and Cornwall), lowest price first

https://www.cottages.com/search?adult=1&child=3&infant=0&pets=1&range=3&nights=7&accommodationType=cottages&placesId=38946&regionName=South+West+England&start=24-08-2025&page=1&sort=recommended&bedrooms=threebed

Original poster
Timepoorandpoor · 29/05/2025 22:59

Tbry24 · 29/05/2025 22:46

Is there anything the teens would really like to do? Mine used to be into history so anything like that, which the younger sibling would not enjoy anyway?

Make it about them and btw well done to them for not seeing their dad. I was the eldest in a very similar set up growing up. My younger siblings were taken away by one of my parents I wasn’t even invited. My other parent was not even aware of how I might feel so I used to go and stay a night with a grandparent.

They would like to do London and a show.

It is hard to understand the set up unless you’ve lived it I think, and whilst they made the right decision for themselves, it’s still really hard to have a dad who no longer acknowledges their existence, won’t help support them so they can enjoy having more chances to do stuff and who lavishes gifts and things on the younger one.
Ot makes things very unequal, and situations like this make it even worse!

OP posts:
Original poster
Timepoorandpoor · 29/05/2025 23:00

Readytohealnow · 29/05/2025 22:57

I have the impression that this man is father to all 3 children, but the older 2 have decided to go NC, but the youngest is not allowed to make that decision yet due to her age.

Show quote history

Yes you are right. Father to all three.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/05/2025 23:04

Crispsanddips25 · 29/05/2025 22:02

Oh this is hard! I think you’re right, it’s not really okay to leave your little one out, but then it’s also not fair on the older two.. the only way I can see it working is if you’re going somewhere she wouldn’t want to go that’s only appropriate for the older ones, then you maybe do a weekend with just her to ‘even it out’?

I agree. The youngest has had several holidays, but now the teens are facing the prospect of going nowhere so as not to be unfair to her.
None of them can help it, your ex has created this situation.
But they are teens and the times of them wanting to still go on holiday with you are getting shorter... it does seem like they are getting the short end of the stick, at an age where perhaps it might matter more to them as they watch their friends going on holiday.
I think if your daughter was away.. I'd take the teens somewhere at the same time maybe doing something that is more suitable for teens anyway, and then do a weekend with all three...or if not some nice day trips together in the school holidays. Get them all three involved in the planning and choosing of these.

GravyBoatWars · 29/05/2025 23:06

What a tough situation for you and all three of your DC. There isn't a good option here, it's just choosing the least bad one right now.

I don't think you should take your one family holiday in years without one of your children. I'm not at all opposed to doing some trips with only part of the family if budget allows (DH and I actually do this regularly), but I don't think it should happen instead of a full-family trip.

I also think that doing this sort of competing trip without DD8 is only going to fuel division and resentment between your siblings rather than counter it, and it's reinforcing this idea of your children each choosing between you and their dad. Tell your teens that you understand how they feel but the 4 of you are a family - that's the family you're responsible for as a mum. You can't control what their dad chooses to do in his home/time and you support your teens opting out of seeing him, but in your home you have three equally important children and you don't want to holiday without any of them. Plan some teen-centric activities while DC8 is at dad's that don't blow your savings and then look at saving up for an abroad trip next year or an in-country one this year.

LunaDeBallona · 29/05/2025 23:06

I would personally take your elder ones away.
Yes, your daughter will be sad but I would temper it with that when SHES a teenager you and her will be going on holidays together as the older ones will be adults/going with their mates and so her time of holidaying with you will come, she just needs to wait a few years and she’s getting a holiday with dad - and that you are doing things like going to the theatre/museums etc which she wouldn’t enjoy yet (just don’t show her the pictures of your kids on a jet ski!!)
You need to sell her this idea - and sell it to yourself too.
You’ve got three kids and not many years of holidaying with the older two so do it while you can.

converseandjeans · 29/05/2025 23:10

When we were very short of money & children were young we used to have May half term Eurocamp holiday. It’s lots cheaper. There are some nice sites & you could possibly fly if you book as soon as flights come out. It’s tricky as they grow up so quickly you might not even have that many summers left with the eldest children.

Devianinc · 29/05/2025 23:13

Timepoorandpoor · 29/05/2025 21:46

Can you just explain exactly how you got to that statement?

Please show me where I said “I don’t like him” or “I don’t want her to have a relationship with him”

I haven’t made her feel guilty, suggested she doesn’t go or talked about this to her, so I am not quite sure how you’ve made that leap.

Show quote history

She’s assuming, lol

soupyspoon · 29/05/2025 23:14

converseandjeans · 29/05/2025 23:10

When we were very short of money & children were young we used to have May half term Eurocamp holiday. It’s lots cheaper. There are some nice sites & you could possibly fly if you book as soon as flights come out. It’s tricky as they grow up so quickly you might not even have that many summers left with the eldest children.

How much are flights likely to be? How much luggage allowance? Where from and to?

Obimumkinobi · 29/05/2025 23:14

Your teenagers may not be with you for many more years. Honestly, I'd forget cottages in this country with the chamce of shit weather - have a holiday abroad with them, just this time, so they've got some special memories. You sound like you all deserve it.

I get the argument about leaving your youngest out this time but it's not like your leaving her behind. Treating your kids fairly doesn't always mean treating them exactly the same. Your ex has done a real number on you and sounds like a malicious wanker.

LameBorzoi · 29/05/2025 23:19

I think a day or two in London with shows and things is a nice idea. Lots of grown up things that the younger one won't do.

BorderTerrierTimesThree · 29/05/2025 23:20

What about two nights in London doing older kid stuff that the 8 year old couldn’t/wouldn't do? Or even Alton towers for a few days, something like that.
Still a little break away without the stress, expense and hopefully guilt an abroad holiday would bring.

EwwSprouts · 29/05/2025 23:23

London option
Premier Inn at Stratford London 4 nights from 24/8 in a family room £514. Excellent location next to Westfield shopping centre and Olympic Park.
£44 for back of stalls seats at Back to the Future as an example on 26/8. Leaves you £150 per day for other fun, tube and food. Remember lots of free things to do.

soupyspoon · 29/05/2025 23:24

EwwSprouts · 29/05/2025 23:23

London option
Premier Inn at Stratford London 4 nights from 24/8 in a family room £514. Excellent location next to Westfield shopping centre and Olympic Park.
£44 for back of stalls seats at Back to the Future as an example on 26/8. Leaves you £150 per day for other fun, tube and food. Remember lots of free things to do.

Good find

AmyDuPlantier · 29/05/2025 23:27

CatRescueNeeded · 29/05/2025 21:14

Of course you can’t go away without one of your kids!

Why not, when that child will also be on holiday?

Tbry24 · 29/05/2025 23:27

Timepoorandpoor · 29/05/2025 22:59

They would like to do London and a show.

It is hard to understand the set up unless you’ve lived it I think, and whilst they made the right decision for themselves, it’s still really hard to have a dad who no longer acknowledges their existence, won’t help support them so they can enjoy having more chances to do stuff and who lavishes gifts and things on the younger one.
Ot makes things very unequal, and situations like this make it even worse!

Show quote history

I’d do that with them both in that case this year. Sometimes there’s great deals with the budget hotel chains, I realised some near me in a city have some great prices this august….I needed a room for September which was double the price of the summer holidays.

And yes these things are tough, especially on the eldest. Special birthdays, Christmas just all of it. My not living with us parent also went on to have more kids so I’m now 50 and the eldest of 8, that’s full half and step siblings. the younger the child the more they were spoilt…..unlike the difficult older one (me).

It’s affected me negatively for my whole adult life so that’s why I’d treat the older two. And don’t go feeling guilty you and your eldest two deserve nice things to look forward to as well.

jocktamsonsbairn · 29/05/2025 23:29

If she is 8 and you can pay for 3 adults can you not book somewhere for 3 adults and a free childcare space?

Rainbowqueeen · 29/05/2025 23:32

LunaDeBallona · 29/05/2025 23:06

I would personally take your elder ones away.
Yes, your daughter will be sad but I would temper it with that when SHES a teenager you and her will be going on holidays together as the older ones will be adults/going with their mates and so her time of holidaying with you will come, she just needs to wait a few years and she’s getting a holiday with dad - and that you are doing things like going to the theatre/museums etc which she wouldn’t enjoy yet (just don’t show her the pictures of your kids on a jet ski!!)
You need to sell her this idea - and sell it to yourself too.
You’ve got three kids and not many years of holidaying with the older two so do it while you can.

I agree with this.

If they are interested in a show in London then do that and do a few other things there that she would not be interested in.

Then also try to get a few days away with all of you so she gets to join in on one holiday.