Child unable to see that actually, it is fair. What could this be?

[PutTheCakeDOWN]

Rubbish title sorry, but couldn’t think how to explain it in one line.

I have a wonderful DD8 who I love very much. She is funny and caring, but as she gets older we are increasingly noticing that she struggles with lots of things. She is very behind at school academically and maturity-wise, and is about to be kept down a year in consequence.
I am pretty sure she is dyslexic and dyspraxic, and I am paying for assessments but it will still be 6 weeks wait.

The main thing I’m struggling with at the moment is that she is the world’s worst (or best!) sulker. Always has been. She has a very keen sense of injustice, and always feels she is being wronged. She will then sulk for literally hours, no matter where she is or who she is with.

We have tried everything over the years. Ignoring, punishing, explaining. Nothing gets through to her and nothing has ever worked. The older children don’t sulk and I have never EVER given into a sulk.

Triggers can be situations such as ‘DD please can you take out the bin, it is your turn?’
DD - it is not my turn!!
Calmly explain how it is her turn with reference to calendar.
DD cannot see that it is her turn, continues to refuse and sulk.

Triggers also include ANYTHING that amounts to slight criticism. Eg…
Me - come on DD, time to turn Bluey off now please
DD - just one more!
DS13 - she’s already watched like 5, she watches too much TV
DD will then go ballistic shouting I DO NOT, DON’T BE MEAN TO ME and probably throw the remote at him. Consequences will then follow, but she will not understand why she was in the wrong because ‘everyone is being so mean to me.’

I am finding it really wearing. And worrying - she is at the age where she’s getting asked out on sleepovers etc, and I’m so worried she’ll lose all her friends if she behaves like that.

I have always thought she is just headstrong (because she is!) and stubborn, but now I’m wondering if she can actually help it. And if she can’t, what do I do? And can’t go through life like this, but I can’t seem to stop it!

I would really appreciate some outside views on this please.

Could putting your DD in charge of some areas that often upset her bear fruit?
Give her power to make up the Bins/Chores Chart and keep everyone on track. She has the stickers too.
Ask her to plot out on a chart what and when she, and you, will watch on TV (up to one hour per day).She can mark it off and give you and herself a sticker for every correct day.
Being part of the rule maker group might alert her to the way rules and boundaries work in a concrete way.

Also revise the way sulking is treated.
Identify what sulking is - cross face, no talking to others and complaining with voice.
Help DD identify a variety of pictures of sulking, cheering, laughing, team work/cooperative, angry, tired, hungry, hard working etc.
Make up card games and guessing games where identifying how a person is feeling is part of the skill set.

Ask DD to help suggest ways people can cope with their feelings. Tired - in their bed, laughing - tell people jokes, hungry - eat a piece of fruit, hard working - get a thank you and a pat on the back, sulking - time in a quiet place until they feel friendly and have drawn a picture about the unjust situation, angry - say sorry and have their TV time taken away for one day, etc etc.
Treating your daughter like she finds abstract ideas difficult to grasp might help.

My experience is as a teacher so not the same but I have found asking children to do you a favour tends to get a positive response so, "X could you do me a favour? Could you take the bins out? I know it might not be your turn but it needs doing and I'm doing Y".

I realise there is a lot more to this than the bins.

This is all so useful...I'm like this. A lot less so now, but recognisable, and when really under stress, it's back and it is like a rigid iron clamp on your thought process, that you know is not going to help the situation but that only grinds on for longer if it is not addressed. The description of being unable or not accepted to do this in a work situation, or where you are excluded from agency in creating 'the protocol', leading to building stress, is completely spot on.

The things I wanted to add were: that I think the sulking or distress/defiance is also a manifestation of processing time, and it may give you a clue as to how much any other emotional state will take to process, even if others are not as disruptive or visible to you. For me, most of them are far from brief in the cases of a processing demand, and even good things can include an anxiety, or 'jumpy' side. Again due to getting overly tired or needled, discipline is also a battery, and it really runs down.

It's hard to explain, but I also think that it's a huge temptation (and then it becomes a habit) for someone to push the 'how I'm going to approach this' decision down the channel that they prefer or are most familiar with getting results from - for example, if you are mostly visual, then that way, or a planner, then in that way, or just 'throw time, forensic attention and determination at it'... but then where it really doesn't work, you're 3x more frustrated, and a bit nonplussed, because you assume it's the top choice that you can always make work for you. This isn't necessarily about dealing with bins, but maybe the avoidance or delaying for some reason, is straying into this territory.