12yo DD has been chatting older boys & adults online

[cwfen]

DD has a nice group.of friends she plays Minecraft with online. I know them all in real life.

However I've just discovered that in the last couple of months she's stopped playing with them and now has a group of online friends she doesn't know in real life, and which includes a 19 year old, 16 year olds and 15 year olds - all male. She has her own Minecraft server I think and it looks like that's where these people have come from.

She's been lying to me about their names, their age and where they live (pretending they're all one person she knows in real life who is 14),

Besides the 19 year old, I'm relieved to see most of the conversation is related to the game and general chit chat, nothing obviously dodgy. The conversation with the 19 year old is totally inappropriate, although I think it mostly went over her head.

Also, she's "acting up" trying to act older than her age to impress them, which is worrying.

My biggest issue is the lying, and that she plainly doesn't understand the risks.

I've taken her phone and laptop off her, and she's not getting them back for the foreseeable.

But what now? I don't want to just tell her off. This is too serious.

It's about her keeping safe, and she's obviously been stringing us along every bloody time we've had a conversation about this stuff and doesn't get it all.

I need her to really understand for herself why this isn't on. Is it realistic to think that might be possible? What now? WWYD?

😲

One thing that I thought of reading this, is that secrecy (leading into isolation) is literally part of the grooming process. I’m not saying that’s definitely what has gone on here, but it’s worth knowing that and talking to your daughter about it, to highlight that something is wrong if she feels unable to be honest about it.

Discord is a dreadful place, I don't go near it, I'm absolutely certain your daughter shouldn't either. You're doing the right thing, closely supervising her. It's not like she's a young adult and you feel you have to give her some space, she is still very young. You have to lay the law down here

I would keep her off online gaming.
My BIL is having serious issues with his 2 DC not studying for their exams. Eldest is currently doing A level resits. Younger one is in Y12 but has not the inclination to study and is the king of backchat. Both spend hours gaming in their rooms. BIL likes to be a fun Dad.
Our DC were not allowed any gaming (or tv during the week in term time so didn’t have these distractions.

OP I don’t know if you have informed the police yet, but I would strongly advise that you do. You cannot be sure if she has sent photos or compromising messages to any of these individuals. I know someone who’s DD had to move school after images were shared at her school by an adult male in America who had pretended to be a teenager and it was decided they couldn’t keep her safe there. As PP said it is possible that there are messages you are not able to see.

I would be very surprised if the 19 year old is a genuine person.

Yes, definitely this. I want her to really understand that if someone encourages you to hide things from your parents it's a massive red flag and she needs to be aware that person is probably not her friend and may well be grooming her.

She's had loads of internet training btw. Ironically, she's the school's year 7 Online Safety Champion (a bit like a prefect role, but she's meant to promote online safety among her peers). She knows this stuff! Just doesn't think it applies to her, it transpires
This concerns me a lot, she’s championing safety at school but totally ignores it where she’s concerned? I would be considering informing the school what has happened, she may well be telling her friends what she’s doing and they may be following her lead.
Imo she shouldn’t be in this role at all in light of what’s transpired.

Kayleigh Haywood

OP

This has been shown in a lot of schools, it was made with the cooperation of Kayleigh's parents. Watch it together.

It’s not “constant” but DD needs to take responsibility , if people around her are disappointed because of her , let it be; why pamper her

She’d get more than just disappointment from others if she continued

@cwfen great update, you’re doing great !!

a poster here mentioned pictures potentially sent over.. can you check the photos on the phone (including deleted ones)?

perhaps you can disable camera on her phone and laptop (I did that , just a thought), as not sure why she’s need it anyway

@femfemliciousAgreed. That poster has some surprises in store.

Talk to her about the dangers she knows about and why she doesnt feel they apply here. Point out the inappropriate messages - go through everything with her. This may not be a 19 year old but it's not necessarily an older man. As she is trying to act older this could be a 14 year old boy trying to show off a "girlfriend" to their mates.

As you've discovered she will go on lying to keep the conversation going and she will try to maintain it through internet use at friends or at school. Message this "young man" yourself - ask where he lives and say you want to meet him. You actually want to (a) report him to the police in whatever country he claims to be in and (b0 frighten him off.

What is she getting out of this conversation? You need to replace it. If she wants to help sad people sign her up for volunteering IRL in a role that provide that. Encourage her to game with her old friends or with you. Keep her busy.

You have to eliminate the online gaming altogether, take the laptop to the police before she can erase everything, and the police can have a word with her.

You need to notify the school so they can beef up their online safety lessons.

You need to come down like a ton of bricks and I don't understand why you're reluctant to do this.

You need to get your child into real life extra curricular activities.

You need to educate yourselves and practice online security.
She should not be able to download anything.
She should have no access whatsoever to communication apps apart from whatever the school uses.

THIS.

@cwfen
Please take the laptop to the police and if they want to give her a lecture, please let them.

They are the ones left 'processing' crime scenes arising from online predatory behaviour.

You're very naive. The most prolific child sex offender never met any of his victims and there were over 3k.

He chatted to them online as a girl called 'Chloe', and got them to send explicit pictures. If they didn't do what he wanted, he threatened to send the pictures to their families.

One 12 year old girl shot herself.

It's all well and good saying you aren't interested in blame but you ARE to blame so you need to really reflect on your own choices and behaviour, rather than hers. YOU allowed her to have seemingly unlimited access to the internet and discord (actual madness). You can explain all you want to her but she's in too deep now - you need to bar her from all online stuff apart from homework and encourage IRL activities with friends but also things like finding a series she wants to watch for downtime, for example. When she has got over the upset try to talk to her about the seriousness and implications of chatting to people online (but a child friendly version).

This tragedy happened fairly local to me. The suicide victim was older - 17 - but obviously naive.

www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/crime/horrifying-sextortion-emails-urged-scots-4843056

I heard about this, it's tragic.

Talk to her about the dangers she knows about and why she doesnt feel they apply here. Point out the inappropriate messages - go through everything with her

Yes, I think this is a good starting point.

I am thinking of messaging him, but given the content and frequency of his messages, it's more along the lines of "WTF do you think you're doing messaging a 12 year old?!! If I ever get a hint of you contacting my daughter again, I'll be going straight to the police"

(This doesn't mean I'm not going to the police before you all start!)

Even if he's legit who he says he is, the messages are totally inappropriate for a 12 year old.

This is a really vulnerable age for this sort of thing. I would firstly tell her that her Minecraft server needs to be real life friends only, or if they arent, then it needs to be cleared by you first. Its definitely not for adding strangers!
The 19 year old needs to be reported and blocked.

Big conversations about online safety measures and how people arent always who they say they are online.

I have had similar issues with 2 of my kids at that sort of age, except with roblox and discord.

Make sure your internet parental controls are on both at wifi level and also phone level

Message the lad and tell him that he is known to be sending sexual messages to a child and that police have been informed and that forensic police are tracking him.

The lad is most likely not a lad at all.

You are not taking this seriously enough.

You need to go to the police asap.

Also, @cwfen

You have no idea where these males are. They could be anywhere. They could live on your street.

They do not need physical contact to do immense harm.
You need to bring the laptop to the police to make sure photos have not been sent.

Do not be naive here.

I was with you until you said lecture. No no no. I was lectured by the police at 14 for being groomed. It was put all on me. All it did was make me more secretive and heaped tons of shame on to me. It stopped me trusting the police and made me more isolated and afraid.
Op your child needs support and boundaries. She has lied, but ask why, why did she lie. What drove her to that. Be curious not angry.