12yo DD has been chatting older boys & adults online

[cwfen]

DD has a nice group.of friends she plays Minecraft with online. I know them all in real life.

However I've just discovered that in the last couple of months she's stopped playing with them and now has a group of online friends she doesn't know in real life, and which includes a 19 year old, 16 year olds and 15 year olds - all male. She has her own Minecraft server I think and it looks like that's where these people have come from.

She's been lying to me about their names, their age and where they live (pretending they're all one person she knows in real life who is 14),

Besides the 19 year old, I'm relieved to see most of the conversation is related to the game and general chit chat, nothing obviously dodgy. The conversation with the 19 year old is totally inappropriate, although I think it mostly went over her head.

Also, she's "acting up" trying to act older than her age to impress them, which is worrying.

My biggest issue is the lying, and that she plainly doesn't understand the risks.

I've taken her phone and laptop off her, and she's not getting them back for the foreseeable.

But what now? I don't want to just tell her off. This is too serious.

It's about her keeping safe, and she's obviously been stringing us along every bloody time we've had a conversation about this stuff and doesn't get it all.

I need her to really understand for herself why this isn't on. Is it realistic to think that might be possible? What now? WWYD?

She's not getting her phone or her computer back for a while. She needs to rediscover real life first and we need to come to some understanding over the lying. We're a long way off that at the moment!

I remember a while back seeing something about Minecraft servers that parents could set up so you control who goes on it, so they only have RL friends on it.

Maybe that's worth looking into for the future?

The reality is you have no idea where these people are from or what age they are. You need to report this to the Police.

Yes, I may well do that. That's not something I need help with though, I know how to report to the police.

What I'm less sure about is how to manage the situation with DD, that's what I'd really like some advice on.

My biggest issue is the lying, and that she plainly doesn't understand the risks.

She is a 12 year old child. Of course she doesn't understand the risks - beyond agreeing with you when you have the chats about it.

You are simply another in a long line of posters on MN who assumed their child would never do this - there have been 11 year olds sharing nudes, chatting with adult men, an 8 year old the other day who lost £50 worth of Robux which he gave to another Roblox player - his mother didn't even know there were donation games...it's endless.

The way things are now you have to do Commando Parenting

no access to online tool, no need for gaming or chatting, absolutely zero need for a 12 yo to chat online

numerous perverts have been arrested after dodgy activity on discord , check all the NCA work

we ve had weird activity on my 13yo what’s app groups (kids discussing cocaine etc), now all laptops are locked apart from HW that I supervise , and restricted settings on phone means I know everything he’s watching

hes complaining but I don’t give a monkey

it’s your job to teach them , keep on hammering till she learns..

she lacks maturity , accept it

It's a shame for her as she had a really nice group of friends she's been playing Minecraft and games on Steam with since primary.

I did support that as it seemed positive.

But the last couple of months obviously things have changed.

DD's not actually complaining yet, but she doesn't yet know that it's the end of Discord.

she lacks maturity , accept it

Well, plainly

Remember kids change at that age, that lovely group your DD had was just a bubble..

i never thought I’d see comments in my kid’s group about snorting cocaine or photos of men’s willies ! It does happen and we take over!

Just remember she’s not mature, she won’t accept what you’re saying but .. you must keep on hammering and take back control.. one day she ll get it

p.s don’t give in when she find a out about discord.. stay strong think of long gains

By reporting to the police you will demonstrate the seriousness of the situation to her. That in itself should be a wake up call for her. These are adult situations and this is real life. She needs to understand the implications here.

Fantastic comment
spot on !

Absolutely. I'm pretty good at being unmoving when I want to be!

She's not going back on Discord, that's over.

How has your DS taken it? Is he living in the real world a bit more, or is it too soon and he's just pissed off?

Well done @cwfen

DS bit more accepting now… it went overboard few months ago with dodgy what’s app groups , lots of swearing and inappropriate stuff. I ended up reporting to safeguarding team in school who contacted parents one by one

all kids were from school but they totally lost the plot .
my DS very immature, easily a follower, so currently he doesn’t even have YouTube , apart from Science research which I supervise (obviously no Instagram , TikTok or anything )

few months ago he called me a bitch (when asked to do homework) cause he thought it’s cool, other kids do it … well that bitch took everything away, so now he says “yes mum”! 😂

thankfully he’s back to having basic human respect and gratitude but it’s been a long ride !

social media/online chats are ruthless, my niece is cutting herself pretty bad as zero control at home so she’s been exposed to anything and everything

sending solidarity, these stuff are vile!

I’ll probably get flamed but I personally think she didn’t tell you about the 19yo because she was afraid that you would come down like a ton of bricks and take away her laptop, her online gaming and friends. Which you are now doing. So ofc she snuck down to let them know she’s been banned, because you are forcing her to be secretive. The whole attitude that she can’t ever do online gaming ever again, and discord “is over” is going to create an even bigger rift of resentment, distrust and rebelliousness.

All she did was mess up by not telling you about the 19yo. And really that’s not entirely her fault. You are makingd her worst fears come true by cutting her off from the good there. I would have given her more internet safety training and put my head together with hers to block the 19yo and reinforce that I’m there for her and my concern is to teach her to take these protective steps herself for herself.

I parented this way and my DC learned internet safety. No child is going to do that without a few mistakes. Taking it all away the first time they fall short just pushes them to have secret double lives, secret smart phones, and to never ever come to you when something isn’t quite right.

Editing to add that the reason she is mostly gaming with boys is because it is a male dominated hobby. Some of the boys may even be girls with male avatars or user names as well. I had my DD use a unisex name and male avatar at your DD’s age so she could game without attracting 19yo pedophiles, which let’s be honest here, are everywhere in real life too.

Well, I hope you don't get flamed as I really value your perspective and I want to think about this and try to get it right.

I'm not taking away her gaming forever btw! As I said up thread, I'm already considering ways she can do it safely, like getting her her own server (that we can monitor).

And, I haven't come down on her like a ton of bricks. Far from it, we had a lovely evening last night, we watched a TV show snuggled up together on the sofa, and I heard her do more piano playing last night than I have in weeks!

This morning she asked if she could have her phone back. I said no, because we have to have a good chat about trust before she can have it back, and some things will need to change. I said it's important we can trust her as the internet isn't a safe place, I love her and want to keep her safe. I said it nicely, not like she's in the dog house, and she seemed to accept it. She left for school in a good mood anyway.

Her old group of friends she played with online was mostly boys. I had no problem with that at all. Most of my friends were boys at that age, FWIW - simply because we had similar interests, nothing untoward. But they were the same age as me.

However, she's shown she's shown she just can't be trusted with Discord, so yes it's gone. She's been chatting to this 19 year old several times a day, every day, for the last 2 months. What 19 year old spends so much time talking, alone, to a 12 year old? (11 when they started talking, even).

She's so far from understanding why this is wrong I need to just put a stop to it. And while she doesn't understand and is prone to lying, well if it's not this guy, then it'll be another one, or another one - and eventually one who lives in the UK and has seriously bad intent. I'm not putting her at risk of that.

She's had loads of internet training btw. Ironically, she's the school's year 7 Online Safety Champion (a bit like a prefect role, but she's meant to promote online safety among her peers). She knows this stuff! Just doesn't think it applies to her, it transpires.

Good idea about using a unisex name, I'll add that to our chat, when we have it.

I'm determined to keep her offline for a while, so she can reconnect with real life a bit. I think her online gaming has got to the point it's become addictive, and the problem is bigger than just this 19 year old. There's a few things need recalibrating. Our trust, for one.

I will let her go back to gaming when I think she's ready, and any tips on that would be great.

But she's not going to be gaming and messaging with strangers, that's simply not going to happen anymore.

The 19 year old identifies as a woman and seems to have some issues, like he has mentioned suicide a few times. My daughter seems to be taking the role of being supportive and talking him out of it. While none of it was serious and it was clear even to my daughter that there was no immediate threat of him actually doing it, this is wildly inappropriate.

And, likely to make my DD feel bonded to him, like he needs her. I recognise this game. Manipulative prick.

Years ago, I was a member of a forum which allowed 13 year olds and above to join.

One time, there was some kind of a mock election/poll and one teenage girl was sending out direct messages which might have been misconstrued. I messaged her back and pointed this out and that problem was solved.

Another time, I got some very strange messages from someone who was supposedly a high school girl abroad. I shut them down and reported it to one of the site moderators.

The problem is that you never know that people are who they say they are. (We see it on here, don't we - men posing as female posters?)

With regard to online games, I'm assuming that there's absolutely no way of getting in touch with a moderator, so shutting down access is the only way to go.

The 19 year old knows she is 12 and is still engaging in risque communications. She needs to be told that his intentions are not good, no 19 year old 'flirts' with a 12 year old with good intentions. And of course he could be much older and even a paedophile. Of course the 14/15 year olds may not be what they say either. If she has been found online by paedophiles her contact details may be passed around as well. Like the sucker lists of people who have been scammed.

No doubt she has no idea how serious and potentially dangerous this is, it needs to be explained that people on the internet can be anyone, and not necessarily the person you think they are.

No doubt she has no idea how serious and potentially dangerous this is, it needs to be explained that people on the internet can be anyone, and not necessarily the person you think they are.

This is my problem. She absolutely knows how dangerous talking to strangers online is. Her primary school were really hot on it, her secondary school is, she's the Y7 online safety champion FFS. And we talk about it at home - only last week we had a chat about grooming!

She KNOWS this stuff, but seems to be not applying any of it to her own situation for some reason. She's being as naive as a little child who says "but he's not a stranger, he's my friend" about someone she met 5 minutes ago.

I have no idea how to get through to her. I doubt it's just more saying the same thing.

Firstly, you start treating your DD as what she is - a CHILD. None of this “trust” rubbish.

No online gaming, no discord. And you tell her why - that this is about adults grooming children.

DD is 15 and has had this rammed down her throat since forever. She can’t get a single app on her phone without it going to DH for approval (and as he isn’t on any social media she gets very little).

I don’t give two straws how old fashioned that makes me or how FOMO she gets. And because we’ve talked about it for years, by and large she’s ok with it and she’s getting more things very slowly.

This is the thing, they moderate themselves. There are servers with mods, but the people running and moderating the servers could be anyone. Indeed my DD is running one of the servers and the kids appear to be people she met online who she doesn't really know.

*mods, not kids! (Stupid phone!)

Yes - it's a problem...and predators will obviously look for opportunities to interact with youngsters.

People on online fora do sometimes become good friends - it's happened to me. Most of us drifted away from the forum that I mentioned above, but then kept in touch on FB. There have been occasional real life meet-ups. (One couple met on the forum and are now married with children.)

However, dangers abound.

You're in a situation where you already have an interest in common, so it's very easy to drop your guard and assume that you know these people when you really don't.

This is a complex situation to handle. Something to have in mind when you’re talking to your DD about it is that these people have become her friends in her eyes. They are individuals she has formed a bond with. I would try to bear this in mind because if you group them all in one pot as ‘internet strangers’ she’ll decide you just don’t understand and not listen.

I had some quite strong online friendships as a teen. Looking back they were, for the most part, beneficial to me. It boosted my self esteem and functioned as a support network. In the mix were a couple of older men and I did secretly meet up with them and I’m bloody lucky they were decent enough not to take advantage (much) as I really was naive and thought I was mature enough that their 22 years to my 14 wasn't an issue. Of course with hindsight it was extremely questionable and I was foolish. However, that's not how I felt at the time.

Your DD has shown that if you ban her, she'll try to find other ways to keep in contact with them. I'd worry this could push her into meeting up with them (if they happen to travel to the UK or are in fact already here). You might almost be better allowing her a fixed time a couple of times a week online when she can communicate with them but with you present.

I'm think there are some good documentaries you could watch with her to show how it can all go wrong but I'm not familiar with them.

True - I have a few real life friends I met through MN when the DC were little!

And I can remember I would have been incensed if my mum cut off my friendships when I was that age.

But no, she can't be spending all day talking to a troubled 19 year old. (Or any of her day).

And "troubled 19 year old" is what he is in the best case scenario.

I hope I can get through to her.