Mil laughing at DS1 being classed as a "disabled student"

[elliejjtiny]

Ds1 has autism. He is academically able but struggles a lot with social and practical things. MIL and FIL have form for saying he had not got "proper autism" because he doesn't have learning disabilities. He is going to university to study his special interest and we have just found out he is going to get the support he needs from disabled student allowance.

It's been a huge weight off my mind that ds1 is going to get the support he needs and I didn't even have to fight for it. Ds1 is pleased too and naturally wanted to share the good news with his grandparents.

MIL just laughed at the fact that he is classed as a disabled student because in her opinion you only have a disability if you are unable to walk at all, completely blind/deaf or have severe learning disabilities.

Her age probably is relevant though, as others have pointed out, it’s a generational thing.
Yes there are lots of resources available to educate us on autism now. But these weren’t as widespread 50/60 years ago, and people’s upbringings do entrench certain beliefs in them and it’s ignorant to assume age and the generation they were brought up in doesn’t have an impact.
Similarly, I’ve noticed as a new mum that, whenever my toddler has had a tantrum in public and someone has tried to intervene in a negative way I.e. tell him to stop crying, boys don’t cry etc, it has ALWAYS been someone aged 60+.

Presumably they wouldn't be requiring DSA like the OPs son, so it's really not relevant whether all people with a diagnosis consider themselves to be disabled or not. The OP's son does, the University who did the assessment found he has needs to be supported, yet the grandparents laughed mockingly about it.

There's no excuse for such cruel behaviour

Flip it around. Your mom loves him so much she doesn’t “see” his disability.
Yes, many people still associate disability with obvious physical challenges.

I'm not saying that upbringing doesn't have an impact - of course it does - but it's not an excuse to be ignorant. If my grandparents (who died in their nineties over a decade ago) could educate themselves, then someone in their sixties or seventies can do it too. They're just choosing not to - which is fine - but it's nothing to do with their age.

Haha this!!! 🤣🤣

I agree ignorance isn’t an excuse but it’s going to be harder for someone of that age to not be ignorant, when they’ve been brought up completely differently. Of course I’m not saying all people 60+ are like that, that’s a horrible generalisation and definitely not true. It’s great that your grandparents educated themselves but there are many who don’t and that’s very obvious to me as someone in their 20s. Sort of akin to “it’s not all men, but it’s always a man.” That’s been my experience anyway.

No it isn't

You don't even know what generation she is

It's her ignorance not her age

Many people in their twenties don't educate themselves either - you only need to look at comments on social media to know that there are ignorant people of all ages, from all walks of life.

Blaming someone's age for their behaviour is just lazy.

Oh well

My family and my friends don't hold those views so there's a lot of us about.

Sadly there's a lot of people with ageist views out there too.

Wonder if we'll ever conquer that?

Of course

Because we don't have families. Or friends. Or education. Or the ability to read and learn.

Thickies the lot of us

One day ageism is going to be treated the same as every other -ism

Wonder if I'll live to see it

Well, perhaps the younger generation don't have particularly good comprehension skills...

She was referring to the OP's parents attitude. Not what you wrote

Of course people of any age can be ignorant, but specifically regarding OPs topic of autism, ignorance is definitely going to be skewed towards the older generation.
It’s not lazy when there is truth to it, I have based these opinions on real life experiences.

using your own experience to make sweeping generalisations across an entire generalisation is lazy. I'm sorry you've had bad experiences but that doesn't mean that ignorance is "skewed towards the older generation". Not in the slightest.

I do wonder when MN will clamp down on these shitty attitudes towards older people. It's so depressing - it's not like you reach a certain age and suddenly become incapable of learning or changing.

Lol this is silly, I’ve not said that at all just pointed out what I’ve experienced.
If the shoe doesn’t fit then there’s no need to be offended.
likewise I’m not bothered when people make statements about my generation because if they don’t personally apply to me then I really don’t care and if they do, then I get to see things from someone else’s perspective which isn’t a bad thing.

Wrong. I’m not narrow minded, that’s lazy journalism. It was just an opinion based on my experience. Presume elsewhere. I’ve conceded I wasn’t entirely right so why keep goading?

I agree. I am probably a similar age to mother in law and I think she is being ridiculous.
It has nothing to do with age and everything to do with ignorance

It is their generation, and yes uneducated in that area but it’s their generation. I know a lady who taught at a grammar school, now retired and thinks SEN department is a racket. She is highly educated and a lovely lady, but she is of a certain generation that believes exactly what OP MIL says.

Your mother in law is probably from a generation where being labelled as disabled was a disadvantage. This was unfortunately often the case. Things have moved on thankfully.

I work in Disability Services at a university and according to the Equality Act, a disability is anything that has a "substantial" and "long-term" impact on someone's ability to perform day-to-day tasks.

We do often meet confusion though, even from students who might not consider themselves "disabled" despite having a condition that might qualify them for support. So it is a semantic issue that I often think about.

I hope this thread has helped OP, it does seem to have attracted a lot of anger from the older generation. I’m Gen X and very interested in demography so it has been informative.

She sounds delightful

I'm 60 - a late Boomer - and in my writing up year for my PhD. I'm also getting DSA, though not, admittedly for ASD, but for more physical disabilities, which silly people can't deny quite as easily. (Not that it stops them trying.) So well done to your DS. The DSA assessment is hard work and getting through it is a job of work in its own right. I would put your PiL on an information diet; if they are going to taunt you with smug jibes they don't deserve the sort of rich detail they might get otherwise.

She could be my age

You are being ridiculous

Maybe just stop

@elliejjtiny get their son to tell them to step off. And congratulations to your son 👏

Can you send them stuff about "invisible" disabilities and how the government recognizes these?

I'd do that, or just ignore them.