Mil laughing at DS1 being classed as a "disabled student"

[elliejjtiny]

Ds1 has autism. He is academically able but struggles a lot with social and practical things. MIL and FIL have form for saying he had not got "proper autism" because he doesn't have learning disabilities. He is going to university to study his special interest and we have just found out he is going to get the support he needs from disabled student allowance.

It's been a huge weight off my mind that ds1 is going to get the support he needs and I didn't even have to fight for it. Ds1 is pleased too and naturally wanted to share the good news with his grandparents.

MIL just laughed at the fact that he is classed as a disabled student because in her opinion you only have a disability if you are unable to walk at all, completely blind/deaf or have severe learning disabilities.

It can cover a range of support from mentoring, extra time and extended deadlines, study support, IT to help record and dictate, priority for suitable accommodation(such as quiet or adapted) etc. The Needs Assessment will identify what may work for the individual and uni support team puts it in place

@MrsKeats
Sorry but as a disabled person myself, I agree it’s a generational thing but that’s not ageism! In my parent’s generation (they were/are the generation of most people my age’s grandparents), disabled meant wheelchair or walking stick. To this day, the disabled symbol has a wheelchair ♿️. It’s ingrained in people from that generation’s psyche to associate the word disabled with wheelchairs or walking sticks. They’ve never needed to sit and think properly about what the word ‘Dis-ability’ actually refers to.
To be clear, living parent is in 80s and other deceased parent would be almost 90 now.
My DC has autism and when I referred to DC as disabled in front of my parent once, I got “What? <DC’s name>’s not disabled for god’s sake! How ridiculous. It’s just Autism not Leprosy! Jesus wept, whatever next?”

I'm sorry they reacted so nastily towards their grandchild, he must have been crestfallen at their reaction.

We're hoping DS2 gets DSA when he (hopefully) goes this year.

Best od luck to your son and I hope you have others who will share their delight for him

First of all, great he’s got DSA! I may not seem “proper” autistic, but without the one to one I got from DSA, I don’t think I’d have done anywhere near as well in my degree and would have missed out on loads of great learning opportunities due to fear. It also helped me learn coping strategies that I still use today. So it’s great he’s got it! I hope he gets as much out of it as I did, or even more!

Your MIL and FIL are stuck in the past and seem a bit mean spirited to laugh in his face, but this is an attitude a lot of people have. Sometimes you can educate these people, sometimes you just can’t. I have family members like this - an uncle who claims we “didn’t have that back in my day” but will have a meltdown if he has to wear any other socks than the specific brand he’s used since 1982. It is not worth your time arguing with them. If it were me I would put my foot down and say if they don’t have anything supportive to say to DS don’t say anything at all… actually if it was my in laws DP would say it. They’re entitled to their opinions, but there’s no need to be nasty and dismissive.

She's ignorant and thoughtless OP. Ignore her and I hope she didn't upset your DS too much.

I don't think it's fair to assume that everyone in certain generations hold certain views. But I do also think that for people now in their 70s and 80s, the whole concept of access arrangements is baffling - simply because these didn't exist when they were growing up. That said, those who are sensible and intelligent and basically decent people are more likely to enthuse about the understanding and support now available, not scoff at or dismiss the validity of it.

@elliejjtiny it's brilliant news about the DSA. My DS (ASD / ADHD) is just coming to the end of his degree and his DSA support tutor has been absolutely amazing. I hope your DS has a fantastic time at uni.

Ps, I have tried explaining to my 80+ yr old DM about how the word disability actually refers to one’s abilities both mentally as well as physically but was barked at & immediately shut down, for trying to tell a woman of her age what something means! 🤦🏼‍♀️

I don´t know what to say about this actually, when you think you have read the worst someone comes up and reports something that leaves you cold. So sorry you had to experience that from people who are supposed to love your DD.

My FIL is eighty and I had grandparents in their late nineties when they died over a decade ago - none of them were so ignorant as to assume disabilities were only physical.

There are ignorant people in every generation - why are we using age as some kind of weird get out clause for being uneducated and unpleasant?

You can’t possibly lump a whole generation together.

She's not getting into MENSA is she?

I’m a grandparent. It’s not my view.

I’m very glad, this seems to be a much more common view than I’d thought. Thank you.

It's a very old fashioned view. It's almost like back in the day when people with even mild differences would be locked up in asylums for their entire lives and shunned by the world and not allowed rights or opinions.
So it's almost like they've got a fear of the idea of disability as it had such negative connotations in the past?
Its foolish and insensitive either way so just ignore her. You don't need to talk about what funding or support he's getting at uni.

It’s nothing to do with age.
Presumably from your comment you’re 30’s or 40’s but it hasn’t stopped you from being narrow minded has it?

I think it’s time for her to be educated on the different types of disabilities and how it affects a person.

I’m 62. I think it’s NOT their generation. It’s that they are ignorant bastards.

The irony of ageism in a thread about ableism.

Well done your son! We joke that I am allowed to park in disabled spots due to my dyslexia (I never would) but take her comment with a pinch of salt and an eye-roll.

Good luck to your son, OP. I hope that the support recommended helps overcome any disability related barriers to making a great success of his studies. DSA is a great thing, though I do know people sometimes misunderstand and think it is academic or medical help.

What a load of bollocks. Ils are both thick and ignorant, it's not about age at all. Actually laughing too at her dgs? Dh would be taking them both to task and I'd cut my losses with that shit.

No it’s not ‘their generation’. We can’t excuse shitty behaviour with this line all the time. They are just twats.

I'm in my 60s with an autistic DD. Damn right that 'older people' know about hidden disabilities, and disabilities which don't involve not being able to walk or see.

It's just that some people haven't encountered disabilities at any level other than that of blindness or deafness or being wheelchair bound and therefore can't comprehend it. It's parochialism, not age.

My MIL thought it was ridiculous my DS was diagnosed. She said they are just making up labels for everything these days. She later said he is probably just spoilt. My FIL said nothing. I told my Dad and he just shrugged. End of discussion, and it's never been raised since these past 14 years. It's one of the reasons why DH and I told no one else and carried the burden alone, I feel now it was the wrong decision as we were really struggling with everything and felt very alone. Ds was always high functioning but anyone who knows about autism could see it. When DS2 was diagnosed I didn't waste my breath explaining.

I do think age is a factor, because the version of autism my DSs have would not be classified as autism historically. One of the people I'm referring to worked in education and was very familiar with disabilities and how they present, but had long since left the field and retired since. All are educated people but weren't open minded enough to reeducate themselves about this particular thing.

Or perhaps it’s love .She doesn’t regard DS as ‘disabled’ because she lives and esteems him, and sees no fault in him.
Of course, you can always think the worst if it makes you feel happy or superior.

She has laughed about it ffs. That doesn't come across as loving to me, just down right nasty.

A couple of people I know with autism don’t like the disabled label. One is very emphatic that he is MORE able in many ways than neurotypical people. So is ‘differently’ abled rather than disabled.
If it is 25% of the UK population is the word becoming too meaningless? I have a colleague with high functioning autism, another with dyspraxia, several with ADHD, two wheelchair users. It’s such a wide range of different support needed that disabled feels too vague.
Great that he’s getting the support he needs though. Things have improved so much.