Are you a MIL who hates their DIL breastfeeding?

[ClaySquish]

There are often posts by women who are going to have or have had a baby, are planning to breastfeed or have started breastfeeding their baby, and subsequently their MIL has made it clear that they are not happy about it.

Who are these women? (As in, these MILs). I mean, maybe they're just not on Mumsnet, but no one ever seems to post from the other side saying "my DIL is breastfeeding her baby and I think it's totally unreasonable/selfish/revolting/attention seeking/whatever".

So. If you are harbouring/have harboured secret resentment towards your DIL for breastfeeding, I implore you to speak up so that I can be satisfied that you actually exist, and you might even answer some of my questions about why you have these views!

Me too! Gosh I thought I was the only one. I couldn’t care less how anyone else feeds their baby but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it with mine.

In my family all the women breastfeed their children (DM, DSIS, me, aunts, cousins). In DH's family no one breastfeeds. The mums go back to the gym / socialising / nights out etc and the grandmas babysit. MIL never understood that after a really difficult time conceiving I didn't want to leave my precious newborn baby with her and join a gym for some "me time", like my SIL did.

@AliBaliBee1234 how the heck did you cope at baby groups?!

You really did get the short straw @Emerald95

an abusive mil who bullies you openly and cruelly
a DH and FIL who see it as a joke and in fact enable her
a DM who Both my MIL and DM seem to think me making any parenting decision that is different to their own (unmedicated water births, breastfeeding, baby led weaning, rear facing car seats until 4yo, diagnosing neurodivergencies, not hitting kids to name a few) is me telling them they did it wrong

Tbf that poster said it makes their skin crawl thinking about HERSELF doing it. Not other mums feeding their own babies.

Indeed
but such a strong reaction to yourself doing something may also make it a touch difficult being surrounded by others doing that same something!

She replied upthread somewhere and said that others breastfeeding at baby groups didn't bother her so not in this case🤷‍♀️

Ah I missed

not pure hell

not pure hell but must have been pretty uncomfortable for her imagine.

My MIL wasn’t pleased I was breastfeeding after about 6 weeks because she wanted to fed DS a bottle and also have time alone with him! Her criticism when I was so newly post partum has really soured our relationship and I don’t think it’ll ever truly recover.

My MIL used to ask every visit when I'd stop breastfeeding as if the answer would change since the week before. She never said it but I'm sure she was asking because she wanted to bottle feed and that opportunity never came. It eventually made me feel so uncomfortable, I'd leave the room with DS to feed. Currently pregnant with number 2 and wondering if the questions will come again. If it happens repeatedly, I'll maybe feel brave enough to ask her if she thinks we should stop, rather than keep giving the same answer over and over that doesn't seem to sink in. It really affected my last postpartum experience and relationship with her because it got to the point I felt pressured and judged in her company, which is a shame. Hoping for a more positive start this time round.

Both my mum and my MIL had babies in the 70s and were actively encouraged to formula feed. My mum was supportive of me breastfeeding but in a sort of baffled way. My MIL kept asking why I bothered trying because it hurt and it was inconvenient. I found BF very hard first time round and longed for someone to support me rather than saying “just give him a bottle”.

Second time round I was much bolshier and BF successfully for longer and they both obviously thought that was a bit weird though neither of them said it outright.

My dad hated anyone “making a fuss”. He tutted when I was pregnant and asked for eggs to be well done. When I fastened the straps on the car seat tightly. And when I put sun cream on the kids. 🙄😂

God- I couldn't breastfeed DD1 as she had tongue tie and wouldn't latch- I got berated for that and told I wasn't trying hard enough. DS was a breastfeeding champion and I fed him for 4 years which I'm super proud of, but the judgement from my MIL, DH, DF when it went beyond 1 Yr was astounding. My mum didn't say anything but I don't think she liked it either. Then one day I was feeding him at my granddads house when he was about 2- he came up to me and said ' you are doing a brilliant job keeping going with that, ignore everyone else' 😍

On tongue tie - I trained as a midwife in the early 2000s and tongue tie was never mentioned. Later, I had a client expecting baby 2 whose first had had tongue tie with the attendant feeding difficulties, so I decided to find out about it. It seems that it was once known as a problem but then formula became easily available, even considered 'better', and TT wasn't a problem because babies drinking from a bottle don't have to work, just glug. So TT was forgotten about.

A quick snip at a few days old remedies the problem in most cases.

@Intheshower oh it came to a head (another long story) so I don't think DH will be switched off to it this time round. I think at the time, because the comments are so benign on the face of it and each question taken in isolation, it could absolutely come across as showing an interest and making small talk so I questioned myself but it was the cumulative effect that had an impact on me. DH is very different to me and was very much of the view that we've decided on BF, it's nobody else's business so don't engage and let them wonder. Works for him but not for me. I'd like to think he won't be the same this time but lots of self reflection later, I want to be more assertive and put a stop to it, so that's the plan but difficult when it doesn't come naturally. The first year of parenthood has certainly been a learning experience!

@ClaySquish it's obvious because it's a bond between mum and baby? It means other family members can't take baby away for these sleepovers or that mil can't commander the baby for hours and hours.

@Intheshower this is usually because at the early stages dil is still trying to be polite and not rock the boat and doesn't realise what she's dealing with.
Son to mums like this are usually cowed and programed to do what mum wants to keep the peace

@Justgoingforaweeliedown prep dh now and inform him it's a no go zone for you red line that you won't tolerate it.
Make it his problem!

My parents were born in 1947. I was born in 1968. My first son as born in 2001. I think your maths is a bit off.

Good thread although it won’t get the DM\MIL anti breast feeder, posters you were after I don’t think.

I thought the other day about starting a similar thread asking if anyone is brave enough to admit that they are the arsehole daughter in law. I’ve met a few who know they were in the early stages of relationship with their DP and still can be at times for point making and control reasons. Or downright jealously feeling threatened by a MIL relationship with their DP etc. Or because she is superwoman and gorgeous and they are self confessed lazy and overweight lol

BF can very significantly reduce your risk of breast and ovarian cancer, quite apart from other benefits. Many more women should be supported to do it for much longer.

My MIL used to ask every visit when I'd stop breastfeeding as if the answer would change since the week before.

Just stop answering - it's what I found worked - just act like the question isn't heard - change subject get up and leave room - and then it eventually stops getting asked.

I tried asking her not to ask or being very abrupt with answers- and yes DH didn't see a lot of the stunts MIL pulled though when she wa sto overt FIL and DH would stop her.

It was not very natural to me but kids are often a distraction - so you stop answering and soon they stop asking.

I’m not a MIL yet, but I can’t imagine feeling resentful towards my DIL for how she feeds her baby. However, I breastfed both my children and luckily didn’t have any issues. Breastfeeding is such tricky topic, especially if someone feels guilt about their own breastfeeding experience. That’s the only reason I could see for a MIL to feel any resentment. It’s not right of course, but it’s an explanation as to why some women many feel that way.