Are you a MIL who hates their DIL breastfeeding?

[ClaySquish]

There are often posts by women who are going to have or have had a baby, are planning to breastfeed or have started breastfeeding their baby, and subsequently their MIL has made it clear that they are not happy about it.

Who are these women? (As in, these MILs). I mean, maybe they're just not on Mumsnet, but no one ever seems to post from the other side saying "my DIL is breastfeeding her baby and I think it's totally unreasonable/selfish/revolting/attention seeking/whatever".

So. If you are harbouring/have harboured secret resentment towards your DIL for breastfeeding, I implore you to speak up so that I can be satisfied that you actually exist, and you might even answer some of my questions about why you have these views!

'She wouldn't be able to say the word breast so she says things like, 'Lucy is feeding the baby herself'. As opposed to delegating the task to the postman.'

😂 My mother says this too! She breastfed us so isn't anti at all, but thinks it's appalling if a woman 'openly' breastfeeds - apparently you should leave the room or at least turn and face the wall 😁

Not sure they'd know - as my MIL makes out she was very pro bf - and was with close friend wife who they saw a lot of and their kids. She was a bf support worker but MIL wasn't with me - she often re-writes history so no idea if she'd admit it.

She hated me bf - insisted I wouldn't be able to as she couldn't - then tried to say DH hated it and it would affect bonding - he didn't he was fully on board. She made it a huge issue till last one when I think she gave up.

It stopped overnights in her mind - they were never on the cards with such a young baby. She wasn't great with babies much better with kids. I think she convinced herself if we ff we'd be leaving baby with her and FIL without us there - she was already telling us everyone thought she was the mum with pfb not me - which was off putting to say the least - and we didn't need childcare and frankly didn't plan or want to leave them and weren't really nearby anyway. She had them a week every summer and they and her have enjoyed it but it waited till they were older and even she admitted a week was long enough at her age.

My Dmum was only slightly better - sort of supportive till 6 weeks despite FF herself then activietly wanting me to wean and give solids. DSis ff and Mum was much happier about that.

None of them liked how long bf was - give a bottle and put down was their normal - two out of three of ours velcro babies that hated being held by anyone but me and DH grudgingly - and we ended up co-sleeping - so that was never going to happen.

My mum - not sure if this is the right word was uncomfortable with BF. Not sure if it was just a different view or views she was exposed to at some point (bottle fed being promoted!?!) I know none of my siblings or I were breast fed.

I just ignored it and carried on . She just wasn’t some one I could ask when times of struggle or sleep deprivation. (Though sleep deprivation was the same when I bottle fed my older one)

I was quite discreet and had a baby that easily latched and got on with feeding. My mum would flap around and worry - I just ignored her 😂

Being totally honest. I have a real negative reaction to bf'ing and thought of doing it made my skin crawl. Not sure if it's because I have sensory issues. Would never impart that opinion onto anyone else though!

Mine isn’t impolite but is clearly very perplexed that I didn’t stop at 6 month, she told her son she thinks I’ve given my 2 year old ‘emotional issues’ by continuing . She’s a retired nurse!

Who are the generation where breastfeeding was seen as old fashioned and backward who are apparently astounded by more women doing it now?

Allegedly my mum and MIL should be in it but they were born 1948 and 1952 and between them breastfed 5 children between 1976 and 1983. Neither of them ever thought it was unusual or strange to do so or said anything at all about it.

'Being totally honest. I have a real negative reaction to bf'ing and thought of doing it made my skin crawl.'

Totally fine, and it's every mum's personal choice but as you say, you keep your views to yourself!

I had the opposite issue- my Mum was very pro breastfeeding and made me feel really awful about not being able to do it. I tried for 8 weeks and it caused me so much stress and distress, I just couldn’t get on with it at all for so many reasons and I just felt completely unsupported by her. I just wish everyone would let new Mums get on with whatever they choose to do either way, without judgement.

My MIL was a fantastic woman. She was just utterly delighted to have GC and never made a negative comment ever.

She fed her first fine, but not DH. Stress made her milk dry up and he ended up on condensed milk! (1960s)
He's doing pretty well considering!

My DM encouraged me and it was still very hard. I'd have given up immediately in the face of any criticism I'm sure.
The post natal period is so hard and emotional, you don't need anything extra, like other people's opinions, swirling about around you.

I BF my first and FF my second.

They won’t admit it because they know they’ll get ripped to shreds. They’ll get a warmer welcome on “fed is best” threads.

i think mothers and MIL that didn’t breast feed themselves feel slightly threatened by daughters and DILs that do. My MIL told me when I was pregnant that I’ll “probably struggle to breastfeed as you’ve got such small breasts”. Reader, I did not struggle!

My mother (who also bottle fed) just looked annoyed whenever I fed my child.

then I think there are parents who think it’s a doll that they can hold and have overnight. I’ve never actually heard (in real life) of grandparents having a cot at their houses, it’s utterly bizarre.

I wouldn’t have said my MIL hated me breastfeeding but she didn’t get why I wanted to do it and was generally just baffled that I wouldn’t choose to bottle feed like she did. She was also a little miffed that it meant she couldn’t have them over night when they were tiny.

I did leave dd1 with her at about 10 weeks for the day with plenty of expressed milk to last the time and a couple of pre made cartons of formula as an absolute emergency back up. Eg. The car broke down and we were hours late back etc. she used the formula straight away as she thought it would be better and said she didn’t really understand why I’d given her expressed milk. The only one of DHs family, apart from DH, who actually agreed with my choice to breastfeed was hid middle sister who had wanted to do it but couldn’t and ended up expressed for the first 6 weeks. His oldest sister also made negative comments about my choice as she had chosen to bottle feed. I never made any comments about her decision to bottle feed.

I have to admit I found it odd when my sister was breastfeeding. I didn’t like just being in a room when she would suddenly whip a boob out. I never made it known but it made me feel weird, especially when we were in public or around other people. I think she was always desperate for someone to confront her about it though so she could stand up for her rights (she’s that sort of person, she loved shouting at people on the tube when pregnant!) so maybe it was the way she was doing it that made me feel a bit weird.

Nope. My grandbaby was nursed for a short time. I wish it had been kept up but I kept my yap shut. I also didn't harp on for alone time with him. It had to be when they were ready.

Now he's crawling and I get phone calls

I’ve not had this experience but I know a couple of friends who did and both times it’s because the MIL wanted to feed the baby/be able to have the baby to themselves for the day. They thought breastfeeding was getting in the way of their bonding time with the newborn. Totally bizarre behaviour. To me it’s one of the biggest of grandparent red flags - centring yourself and believing your bonding time trumps the mums.

My MIL wanted the baby without me there.

Neither of my PILs were that comfortable with me breastfeeding. My MIL (who is a very nice woman) took it as a personal criticism as she bottle fed.

Two things helped them get used to it:

I was absolutely uncompromising, anyone who wasn’t comfortable with me breastfeeding was welcome to leave my house. If you want to visit my children - get over it.

My own (very strict, religious and fairly straitlaced) parents were extremely pro-breastfeeding and didn’t bat an eyelid. Seeing that helped my MIL see it as normal and natural.

I should say I have twins and I exclusively breastfed them. In the early days it was just not possible to visit the babies and avoid witnessing breastfeeding.

Once I was able to get out and about I fed everywhere, including parks, cafes, shops and church. The only comments I had from members of the public were complimentary.

There are definately grandparents who do, because we sold one on ebay to grandparents for when new baby stays!

How absolutely insane! Sounds like we both have nightmares to deal with. Although coming to check whether you've had the baby and the cup of tea on the floor is ridiculous. Sorry you're being put through this by family members. Awful

I’ve never actually heard (in real life) of grandparents having a cot at their houses, it’s utterly bizarre.

My IL had an entire room kitted out with cot - and vistors were apparently shown round.

I did a mixture of both across both children and neither set of grandparents gave a toss either way because they had both ended up doing similar and they both knew it was not really going to have an bearing on DC as they grew older.

Apart from those who are zealots/who the zealots get their claws into, BF only really feels like a massive deal for the few first months of the first child.

And those talking about attention - unfortunately performative BF IS definitely a thing amongst a certain type!

TBF my DM is of the same generation and she says that she was discouraged from breastfeeding by some HVs and midwives, and breastfeeding in public or in front of anyone was frowned upon. Bottle feeding was more common. She breastfed anyway but she felt that there was a lot of opposition to her decision.

I doubt very many of the babies being breastfed now have grandparents from that generation though!

@Historyofwolves performative breastfeeding! That’s exactly the phrase that describes my sister! 😂