I hate my baby

[whatisthislife55]

I’ve name changed for this because I’m not proud of how I feel.

My 10 week old baby will only contact nap with movement (walking, rocking etc) and in a sling. The moment I stop moving he wakes up. He fights sleep for every nap until he gives in. At night he does one or two stretches in the bassinet (thank god) and then he’s up from 5am. He also hates his car seat and screams. Once I’ve fed him and changed his nappy I can put him down for 20-30 minutes until the cycle starts again. My husband works long hours so is of limited help.

Honestly I am miserable. I love my son but I hate my baby if that makes any sense. I honestly feel like I’ve made a massive mistake and wish I’d never had a baby. Ironically we had multiple miscarriages and years of fertility issues to get to here and I should feel so happy.

I’ve spoken to the health visitor and the GP and they’ve put me on group therapy but it doesn’t seem to be making any difference so far.

Has anyone had a baby like this or felt like this? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s not realistic to expect to be going to baby classes regularly I think. Just focus on keeping things as simple as possible, and only chat to people that you know and trust.

My baby had terrible colic, and would scream from about 6/7pm every day, and sometimes wouldn’t stop until about 3 or 4am, so I fully sympathise. I’d say to my partner, “I love her, but I don’t like her.” He would also say the same thing. Unless people have had a difficult baby, then they don’t understand. But there’s so many of us that do. It does get better. Mine is 6 months old now, and we have far fewer bad days. It’s so hard, but believe me, you’re not alone.

I remember wishing we hadn't had our first child when he was going through a phase like your baby.
I'm sure you are not unusual. I hope you feel better soon xx

If baby will sleep on their back, amazing, of course do that. But that's not happening for the OP and it didn't happen for me, and I remember the torment of and utter exhaustion of that time. It's worth knowing the stats: the risk of putting a baby to sleep on their stomach is 1\10th (or 6/50th to be exact) the risk of falling asleep with them on the sofa, but even safer when done correctly (as listed in my previous post).

I've looked at the studies and none have taken into account the full picture that I can see. Exhaustion in mothers has real and sometimes dangerous consequences, and often they are a direct result of the advice to "never put baby to sleep on their front". E.g. dropping, abandoning or shaking a baby, PND, marriage breakdown (which can lead to further exhaustion if one parent leaves), falling asleep sitting up with baby, massively impairing the mother's cognition and the effects of that (driving accidents, etc) - how many of these instances can be accounted for by the fact mothers have been told ad nauseum to not put baby on their front and have been pushed to that level of exhaustion? I don't think we know.

It sounds like OP isn't at the point I was at, but if she or other readers ever are, I wanted to suggest an alternative (which was suggested to me by my midwife as the safer option, given my level of exhaustion). I was very aware of the risks of falling asleep on the sofa and was desperately trying not to, but it happened, as indeed it has happened to at least three other mums I know. I felt a lot of shame about it and almost didn't even tell my midwife. I think many women feel the same and a more honest conversation about the (sometimes dangerous) effects of exhaustion need to be spoken about so they can be included in stats. If my baby had died that night, I honestly would have put it as a direct result of the "baby must sleep on their back" advice, but it wouldn't have been included.

NHS advice can, and does, change: pre-1991 baby sleeping on their front was advised. Up until 2023 the advice was to 'Never to share a bed with your baby', which has been removed, and instead a section on "Tips on co-sleeping more safely" has been added. If mothers are able to be more honest about their exhaustion and not be shut down with advice that isn't working for them, I'm hopeful NHS advice will change to reflect this.

I found it helpful to think of the baby as a little mammal who needed to be close to its food source.

We also got an electric swing so the baby could go in that and conk out for half an hour so at least I could eat something in the evening.

Cranial osteopathy helped.

Well done for persisting with breastfeeding.

good luck OP!

At 10 weeks, I was deeply regretting my terrible decision to have a baby and ruin my life (I also had fertility treatment to have her).

I PROMISE you, it gets easier as they get older. They sleep better, they develop a personality and give you cuddles and kisses and giggles. My nightmare baby is now two and a half and is my absolute favourite person to spend time with. She's currently "reading" to herself while I drink a cup of tea and look at Mumsnet. You will get here, too!

Oh god, I remember this feeling so, SO well. I promise you many, many women have been in your shoes and have survived. You will too. ❤

Yep. Someone asked me “what’s your favourite part about being a mum” when DS was just about to turn 1 and I just stood there looking at them incredulously because I couldn’t think of one single thing that I even liked about it, let alone a favourite thing. And then I went home and cried because I felt so guilty.

That’s exactly how I feel

@Reachthetop, this is a supportive and empathetic thread and as I say, I have been where OP is - and in many ways I am still there. It’s contact napping and co-sleeping all the way over here!

However, I am going to be ‘that’ poster. Of course every parent makes their own choices but the NHS advice is unequivocal - do not place your baby to sleep on their tummy. (And, OP mentions that her baby does sleep in the bassinet for some periods and does not mention that her baby is unable to sleep on their back.)

If you enjoy breastfeeding and want to continue, do not pack it in! So many mothers try formula as it’s touted as a solution for all. It’s not. And if you lose breastfeeding you have lost a magical settling tool that can get you through months or years of teething/illness/comforting.

BF laying down with your eyes closed/asleep in the side lying position is pure heaven once you master it (can be tricky at first).

You could have an ‘orchid’ baby. It will get easier!!

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201901/the-orchid-and-the-dandelion-the-science-spirited-kids?amp

I genuinely thought I'd ruined my life when I had my first.
It can be so tough.
It's relentless, and feels never ending.
All I can say is - IT WILL PASS.
You will come through it.
DON'T feel guilty, or weird, or inadequate - it's normal with some babies. Keep in touch with GP etc for outgoing support ... if you need antidepressants, accept them.
Hoping it improves soon.
Meanwhile,_sending massive empathy and huge hug to you 😘

I had a baby like this and she also had silent reflux. It was honestly one of the darkest times of my life and I had very severe PND/A (not suggesting you do). My husband had the snip when DD was around 4 months old because neither of us wanted to risk going through it again, such was the horror.

I felt a lot of sadness for a long time about how much I hated the first year and how traumatic I found it all. Experiences like this really need normalising so that women don't feel so guilty for not enjoying the baby phase.

I found it got better by degrees from around 6 months when she could sit up and I could finally put her down for a second. Honestly though, I still find it hard to look at photos from those months - there just aren't a lot of good memories.

It will pass - but I also know how useless that phrase is for you right now. Strength!

#3 of 4 was like this, it was silent reflux.

She is on her 20s now but honestly I think we both had PTSD from the constant screaming. Thankfully she slept midnight til 6ish but that was all.

Oh god, I have absolutely been there! I really hope you're in a better place now 💓

How are you feeling today, OP?

It is so hard.
Like a PP said - it's definitely worth trying the bottle specially if your OH can help with feedings, even if just at night/weekends.

I hugely regretted not introducing the bottle earlier - when I tried later on my DS absolutely refused it and I was stuck BF, unable to take any breaks (he woke 8x in the night until we reduced BF at 16 months).

Milk supply is highly adaptable and adjusts to demand, there's really no problem with combined breast & bottle if you want to continue BF, and will hopefully give you some little breaks, it sounds like you really need it!

@Senzaunadonna I’m feeling more positive today thanks to all the lovely messages on this thread 😊 I had a good chat with DH last night and we’ve come up with some ideas that hopefully might take the weight off me and help me

Really pleased to hear that, OP! I really hope things improve soon.

Get this or one that goes up to a higher weight if you can:
https://www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/baby/bouncers-swings-and-rockers/baby-swings/graco-baby-delight-swing-up-and-away/p/230497
It saved my sanity - I must confess there were a few nights when I lay on the floor underneath it with a quilt and pillow just so I could sleep for a bit.
DD1 screamed for hours and this was like magic for us - she would sleep in it and just give me a 30 minute break when I was falling apart with exhaustion.
Just for reassurance it got ten times better by 3 months and once she could sit up and look around we never looked back.

I totally swear by the Graco Baby Swings. My baby would drop off in hers, and we’d get a good 30 mins of peace, sometimes more. Even now at 6 months old, she occasionally drops off in it. It was a GODSEND.

Oh gosh @MaleficentQueen thank you.
Graco was the one we had - btw i should say that DD is now a 23 year old doctor but I will never forget the exhaustion of those first 3 to 6 months of her life.

You’re welcome.
We purchased ours when she was around 8 weeks old, after getting some advice from a friend. She would scream for hours at night, due to the colic, and one night we put her in the swing, and she dropped off. We then transferred her into the next to me cot, and had a solid 4 hours sleep, for the first time in weeks. I don’t know what I’d do without that swing, sometimes! Even now, it’s great for entertaining her. Best £40 I’ve ever spent! 😂

Just a caution about swings

I purchased one in desperation thinking it would be the answer to our prayers. I still remember assembling it, placing DD in it only to have her scream still louder. She never liked it and I ended up returning it (I still remember what a pain it was trying to get all the bits back in the box, luckily argos must have taken pity on my poor packing and refunded me as they aren’t cheap).

I think they work for some babies but definitely not for all unfortunately

I felt EXACTLY the same with my dd at 10 weeks. I remember sticking my head out the window thinking I’d make the biggest mistake of my life. I can only tell you that as others are saying, your baby will get easier and you will feel differently. It’s so hard.