I hate my baby

[whatisthislife55]

I’ve name changed for this because I’m not proud of how I feel.

My 10 week old baby will only contact nap with movement (walking, rocking etc) and in a sling. The moment I stop moving he wakes up. He fights sleep for every nap until he gives in. At night he does one or two stretches in the bassinet (thank god) and then he’s up from 5am. He also hates his car seat and screams. Once I’ve fed him and changed his nappy I can put him down for 20-30 minutes until the cycle starts again. My husband works long hours so is of limited help.

Honestly I am miserable. I love my son but I hate my baby if that makes any sense. I honestly feel like I’ve made a massive mistake and wish I’d never had a baby. Ironically we had multiple miscarriages and years of fertility issues to get to here and I should feel so happy.

I’ve spoken to the health visitor and the GP and they’ve put me on group therapy but it doesn’t seem to be making any difference so far.

Has anyone had a baby like this or felt like this? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I have had multiple babies like this. A really good baby carrier to wear goes a long way. As soon as they get more capable and mobile they want to explore the world, so it does pass. Mine were all mobile around 4 months (dragging themselves around the living room), so hopefully you don't have too long to go.

Urgh I had a baby like this. Thats why I only had one. It was hell. I feel for you OP. Do see your doctor and tell them what’s going on so they’re aware and can offer whatever help they might be able to. It does help to keep talking to anyone who will listen as it can be even harder when you see other babies sleeping peacefully and ‘behaving’ as you wish yours would and it really used to get me down.

As most PP have said, everything gets better in the next few years. You will get through it but get help and accept it wherever you can.

My second baby was like this, I recommend safe co-sleeping and a comfy sling.

There were times when it took all the strength I had not to scream at my baby at this age. I hated all of it. Hated breastfeeding him, hated that I had to do what he wanted ALL THE TIME. I hated that I had seemingly lost my autonomy overnight. Sometimes I just wanted to throw him out the window. Occasionally i would walk down the road and think if I just step in front of a car then i'd either be dead or at least in hospital for a while and someone else would have to look after him.

It's a tough time but it will get better. I don't feel remotely like this anymore and I actually didn't feel that way when I had my 2nd either. It was just my first. I think it was the shock of the change.

xx

I didn't love my son at first. It was the constant crying, lack of sleep and I was poorly too. I was locked in the house with his crying constantly but as others have said he was ok when held upright.
He had colic/acid reflux too. His sphincters weren't full developed (which is normal for a lot of babies hence the reflux) but his were also in the eyes as well.

It got better during weaning and I do love him now. It was just a really hard draining time which gave me some PND. Be kind to yourself you are doing your absolute best.

Hi OP, I feel for you - I had one just the same! It got so bad, and I was so exhausted I fell asleep on the sofa and baby rolled off me. Luckily baby was ok, but after that awful incident the midwife said I should put my baby to sleep on his stomach. THIS CHANGED EVEYTHING. You have to do it safely though:

1. firm mattress
2. no blankets (only sleeping bag)
3. no toys/teddies
4. feet at the foot of cot
5. don't use a waterproof plastic sheet under the cotton sheet (must be breathable)

He went from never sleeping to sleeping through the night! It honestly saved me, I can't believe it isn't reccommended more (I'm so thankful for that midwife). Incidentally, when I told my mother, she said that was the advice in the UK when we were babies and she never had a problem with our sleep. I think babies just like having pressure on their front (either a person or a mattress).

Two other things that helped a lot also:

1. a wedge that goes under the mattress so that the baby isn't completely horizontal
2. you can buy a device that make the mattress vibrate, like a car engine would - again, you place it under the mattress

You don't hate your baby OP. You hate what your life is at the moment. At let's be honest, who wouldn't? You are hardly able to enjoy parenthood in circumstances like this can you? Exhaustion, a very unsettled and unhappy baby, very little help. Just cut yourself some slack. Nobody would EXPECT you to enjoy this.
Just know it will get better. Parenthood is way more than just the newborn stage and this is certainly not the best part of it. You kid will grow, adapt, you will go back to work and reclaim some identity and independence and routine, you will one day be able to do fun things as a family. And days like today will be a distant memory. Just keep talking. Don't bottle it up. The right people won't judge you (I certainly wouldn't).

I totally get it. I had a very difficult baby like this and it does drive you to despair. You don’t actually hate your baby, you hate your life with the baby, which is a very natural reaction (objectively, it is crap and very hard to cope with, especially when there is a level of pressure to be grateful and maternal and “enjoy the cuddles” etc etc) to a very difficult phase in your life (which will get better eventually), but one that is not one you should have to suffer alone. Can your partner do more to support you? Can your family?

I hope it helps just for you to hear it is horrific for other people too. It’s crazy how different peoples experiences of the first year of first baby can be. I actually had to distance myself from people who found it easy or their babies were easy. Mine actually didn’t cry as much as you or other posters have said, but she didn’t sleep. I was up 5/6 times a night for most of 18 months. It was the hardest time of my life I think! So I just think knowing you aren’t doing anything wrong, is so important. Look into practical advice about reflux etc of course but I think so important to just be gentle with yourself, enlist all help you can get, and just see it as an incredibly hard time to get through, with as much tenderness as you can manage, knowing it will pass.

Totally get this. My first was a very difficult baby and it was the worst time of my life. I had also been through fertility treatment to get there. My kids are now 21, 19 and nearly 14 and honestly no other stage in their lives has even come close to how bad the baby stage was. It does get better I promise, but it's an awfully long slog at the beginning.

My second was very much like you've described. It's hhaarrrdddd. If you haven't got one already I'd highly recommend getting a yoga ball or birthing ball. Sit, bounce and binge watch TV. It saved my sanity.

Thank you everyone for all your replies. There’s too many to reply to individually but reading through (while pacing around the kitchen with baby in a sling) has made me cry!

I’ve been meeting up with mums from my NCT group and gone to some baby classes and everyone seems to have lovely settled babies who sleep when they’re tired and happily nap in their bassinet or pram! It’s good to know other people have gone through the same as I am and have come out the other side.

He hates the pram and the car seat so those aren’t much use for naps unfortunately. I do use a sling as it’s the only way I can get him to sleep without an aching back.

I didn’t mention it in my original post but I’m breastfeeding and no issues with that luckily.

I’ve never heard of silent reflux so I’ll do some reading about that.

Feel like I need to print off all your positive comments and stick them around my house to keep me going 😂

Hey OP, don’t feel badly about yourself - I guarantee that if you were able to dig down to the bottom of it, you’d find that don’t hate your DS at all. What you hate is the sudden, huge change to your entire life. The loss of freedom and ability to do anything at all, without constantly thinking about and dealing with a crying baby. It’s okay to hate this - I also hated it!

Some people talk about the new baby days as the most wonderful, beautiful, precious days of their child’s entire life. I hated them. I was throughly tired, pissed off and bored. I hadn’t been gullible enough to believe my DM’s rubbish about how beautiful it was all going to be, but I was still shocked at how thoroughly shit the reality of it was, on a daily basis.

My DC basically cried if I wasn’t holding her. There was nothing ‘wrong’ with her, she was expressing her displeasure with the entire, freaking world. I was - unbeknownst to me at this point - in the throes of PTSD from a long, traumatic birth, and the sound of her cries sent me into a panic state that I couldn’t cope with. So I held her. For five months. Barely put her down. At almost six months she had her first solo nap because I physically couldn’t hold her any longer - I put her in her cot, walked away and cried in the next room. But she did eventually sleep, and after that solo naps gradually became normal.

Looking back, it seems crazy, but it was how I coped and how we got through a difficult time, together.

So, I hated most of the baby days. Good news is that toddlers are messy chaos, but a LOT more fun. Then, suddenly the time has flown and you have a little human, with their own personality and sense of humour, starting school and learning to navigate the world.

The individual days and nights feel torturous and never ending, but overall the years will fly by once your DC is no longer a clingy baby. You will get there. If I made it through, so will you. As he grows your DS will most likely become a source of happiness, pride and fun, and your little best friend. But you just have to battle through this hardest part, now. Head down, chin up, keep going - whatever you need to do to get through, whatever works for you and DS, just do that.

My DD is 16 now and absolutely the best thing I ever did, she’s amazing (and infuriating in equal measure, at times!). You will get through it, and it will be so worth it.

I had 100% not bonded with my baby at 10 weeks. So much crying. Such hard work. What helped me was getting out of the house every day, making and seeing other mum friends very regularly (although all seemed much better at parenting than me). By the time DD was about 8 months things were much better. It is so hard I remeber it well. And for me it was 21 years ago! Things will get better.

Mine was like this. He did not want to be a baby and was a nightmare from birth to around 17 or 18 months, then became a dream child and is still a lovely teen now. It’s TOUGH and you have my sympathy. I couldn’t put him down at all without endless screaming. He screamed in the pram and pushchair, he screamed in the car in his car seat, he screamed in his cot, he screamed in the sling, he just wanted to be held either upright or face down on someone’s chest.

Cranial osteopathy helped a little when he was around 5 months old and we were at the end of our rope. If you had a c section or a forceps or venteuse birth it can really help so may be something to consider.

It will improve, but very slowly and you’re likely to be in for a rough year. It will all be worth it though, I promise.

Me. In fact my son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 4.5 years old and he was also a twin so I was beside myself with exhaustion. And ashamed to admit I felt I hated him too.
But really what you hate is the situation - the lack of control, the exhaustion etc. It’s just you think it’s him because he in theory is the cause.
If you do nothing else do this - take him to a cranial oesto who is trained to help babies. Babies get physically affected during birth process even if it’s a c section - it’s a thing and even Bupa paid for my son’s treatment.
Also forgive yourself as you don’t really hate your baby.
And it will get better! once we got over the sleep issue - I can’t tell you what a wonderful child / young man my son has became - kind and loving to his mum! Ironically although a terrible sleeper as a baby he’s the one who goes to bed early in our family now

To add to that, as soon as my son could roll onto his stomach, he rolled over in his cot and slept on his stomach instead. It made a massive difference to how he slept at night, but you have to be very careful with it and make sure you use breathable sheets, mattress etc.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it. It is really hard, especially when you hear people say how 'easy' the newborn stage is. Definitely wasn't for me!
My now 11 month old was quite challenging in the first 3 months. I took him to a chiropractor fortnightly from birth and this helped ease some of the tension in his body which helped him relax more and be happier on the floor. He also slept on his tummy from very early on which I know is not the done thing these days but he slept so much better this way.

Oh OP, we feel for you! I too had a screaming baby - didn’t sleep for more than an hour or two, day or night. By 12 months I was frazzled, having tried every technique the health visitor suggested. Finally went to a cranial osteopath out of desperation and had our first night’s sleep after the treatment. Wish I hadn’t waited so long!

I had a tricky baby - cried all the time unless I was holding him. Everything is just a phase when it comes to babies. Rest assured you are doing a great job and this phase will pass. My tricky baby is now 12 years old and instead of crying all the time he now talks all the time! I wish someone could have shown me what the crying baby would turn into, I'd have been delighted at what I saw.

Don't worry about how everyone else seems to be doing with their babies, just focus on you and your baby and you'll get through this stage sooner than you think.

These feelings are not unusual for a new mum to have and are completely normal and natural.

Keep talking to friends, family, your partner, your midwife, health visitor, doctor etc.

This will pass and be a distant memory.

Be kind to yourself and lean on others for as much help as possible.

Mine was pretty amazing for the first few week and I smugly thought I had it all figured out and what a superior mother I was and then…..

he became extremely fussy, unsettled, cried a lot, wouldn’t sleep unless being held and then even the slightest movement from me would wake him up in a rage. He hated the pram, tolerated the car but it was far too exciting for him to sleep.

anyway yes it was a bloody hard slog but he did turn a corner at about 5 months when I gave up BF and moved onto bottles. He was a big baby and looking back I think he was just hungry and pissed off most of the time! Is that an option for you?

don’t feel bad for hating it, most of us have been there. I remember having such strong feelings of regret, I desperately missed my old (quiet) life and wished I’d never had him. He’s 10 now and I can say those feelings have long since disappeared. It honestly won’t always be this way but one foot in front of the other for now. Take care x

Yes, my baby needed to be held all day. Everything was on me. My partner rarely held him and he often went away on business so I was by myself for about 4+ days of the week every week and even when he was home I still did everything. My baby also never slept at night at all. He would only want to have milk at night and never in the day and would sleep during the day. None of the advice from doctors helped in any way. Turns out my baby was severely autistic and he was flagged for assessment at 12 months old.

He had to constantly be held. Even now he’s older he still wants constant contact.

He didn’t produce melatonin. When I finally got an autism diagnosis I had to fight to get permission from a Paediatrician to give it to him (it’s illegal to give to children in my country without a prescription and the GP refused to even prescribe it).

There is nothing wrong with safely wrapping your baby in a wrap (if they aren’t rolling) and leave them in their cot and let them cry. I would get so frustrated and knew I had to put him down and he would be safe in his cot. I then went and had a long shower and brushed my teeth and the noise of the water shut out the screaming.

I found a place at a private clinic in my city so I could get help with what was going on - (this was an inpatient service so I would go and live there with my baby so I could get support) but by the time it was my turn on their wait list covid shut everything down.

If you get angry you put your baby in a safe place and go and have a shower. It really worked for me.

Be very careful of baby slings and baby carriers. Mine went unconscious while I wore him in his baby carrier due to positional asphyxia. He curled up in a little ball and stopped breathing.

I had been using the baby carrier so I could still do things around the house and go shopping. Just be very careful. With a baby like yours the safest thing you can do is put them in a safe sleep position while you take care of yourself. You still need to eat and you need to practice good hygiene.

I also found giving him a warm bath would help calm him down as it relaxed him.

Lots of suggestions for cranial osteopathy. I’ve never even heard of it before! But I’ll definitely check it out

@Bug90 i don’t think he’s hungry. I’ve tried feeding him when he’s fussing and crying but he’s not interested. He just doesn’t want to sleep! He’s only little as well - on the 2nd percentile

Having a young baby is extremely hard
work, it’s just a shit relentless slog tbh and some babies are harder than others. It’s a HUGE shock to the system. It was only when mine were older that i realised when people say ‘it goes by so fast!’ they don’t mean they loved every minute! They mean ‘I know it’s shit right now but it gets less shit really quickly!’

Hang in there OP. It won’t be like this for 18 years. Soon you’ll be able to do you things again.