If your child is autistic or has autistic traits ...

[miscelleni]

1. Do you and/or the child's father also have autistic traits.
2. How did you meet? Was modern technology a factor in how you got together?

I'm asking because I've been listening to the new BBC podcast, The Autism Curve, which is about the exponential increase in autism diagnoses. In episode 1/2 they considered the data and explored how definitions and diagnostics have changed over time. But Episode 3 takes a step back and looks at the science of whether there could also be a real underlying increase with an identifiable cause. An academic from KCL says there is a strong genetic factor to autism, but that it is "unlikely" to explain the numbers (implying, I think, that genetics are random). Another academic, from UCL, says that if there is an environmental factor to be found then it is something that began in the 1990s and is most prevalent in high income countries.

It seems to me that, since the 1990s, people with autistic traits are much more likely to find each other and form relationships due to modern technology. And this is something that has increased exponentially with the uptake of social media.

I felt fairly socially isolated as a teenager in the 80s. I managed ok at school but was averse to phoning people or taking any first steps that might turn acquaintances into friends for fear of rejection. University was difficult for similar reasons. However, I started using email in my first job in 1993 and used it to keep in touch with course-mates from uni who I would otherwise have quickly lost touch with. One of them introduced me to someone she thought I would click with. We started emailing each other and I'm now married to him. We both have traits that probably lie somewhere on the autistic spectrum, as do both of our children, though not impactful enough for us to have sought formal diagnosis.

If I hadn't met DH in that way, I probably would have ended up with one of the many single males I've met in my tech-related job over the years, many of whom have autistic traits.

These days social media brings together many people with strong interests in things, from train spotting, to bird watching, to celebrity fandom, to history buffs, to comic con fans, etc etc. Could it be that the "randomness" of genetics is becoming much less random when it comes to neurodiversity?

A big reeason for the increase in numbers is the start of the recognition that autism in women and girls can look very different than in males.

The "geeks marrying geeks" theory has been around for some time. I've seen it argued as starting from the huge increase in university admissions through the 70s-90s, rather than starting with SM.

As the world has changed autistic people are less able to cope and thus need diagnosis?

Schools have changed and become harder for autistic kids thus more diagnosed.

There is more awareness and people are getting late diagnosis.

And it is most likely genetic in many cases.

Both myself and my DC's are autistic. Their dad is has traits. My dad was probably autistic. It is in his side of the family.

First of all.you are either on the autistic spectrum or your not lots of people may have traits but it doesn't necessarily mean they are autistic
secondly genetic doesn't always mean it's inherited
by son has a rare chromosome disorder thought to be the underlying cause of his autism and learning disabilities but it's De Novo so hasn't been inherited from either never his Dad and neither of us are autistic.

This is covered on episode 1/2 and acknowledged to be a big enough factor on its own to explain the rise. However, episode 3 takes a step back to consider other factors that might be hidden in the data.

Worth a listen if you get the chance - each episode is only 10 mins.

It has always been around. We just haven't known about it. These children were labelled as "lazy, "inattentive"," and penalised for behaviour they could not help. You are now consequently seeing a lot of adults seeking diagnosis. I am finding that when children are being diagnosed, parents are looking back in their family and seeing these same traits in their parents/grandparents/certain family members. Suddenly, it makes sense why Grandad couldn't concentrate, misdiagnosed with mh conditions, etc. As others have said, it isn't helping that the world is becoming increasingly more difficult to navigate.

My autistic friend from uni was very shy and was almost frightened of the opposite sex. We were convinced she would never be brave enough to find a partner who was suitable. After uni, she joined a church chat room for singles, as she was very religious, and she got talking to others on there. She was married within a year to another autistic Christian. Neither of them would have found a partner without the use of tech. They have had three children, all of whom are autistic. So, yes, in my experience the greater use of the Internet is bringing together those who ordinarily would not have met and had children. But, their home is a loving and caring one and they are very happy. So this is a good thing!

Yes, my children, their father. Not me. Unusually he had a diagnosis as a young child, in the early 1970s when a diagnosis was a rare thing. All with a HFA label, as was.

We met at a science conference.

Through work.
This gave me the false sense of security that it would work… whereas in fact, I am highly disorganised and chaotic and he was highly organised and controlled (and demand avoidant; whereas I respond to what ever demands are placed on me and am bad at boundaries).
It was a disaster.

DS is like his father, not me, and has a diagnosis. His father and I don’t, although I have my theories but that’s all they are, to be clear.

2 autistic children here and probably 2 autistic parents (me diagnosed, dh not but definitely has traits)

Me and DH met at university (through a mutual friend) in my final year of uni in 2001.

Here is a link to episode 3 of the podcast: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002btyc

It's worth listening from episode 1 though. They're very short. I got though all 5 in a single gym visit.

I think that's possibly true. there's definitely alot more couples that would never of met/got together in the past

@miscelleni you might be interested in a book called Neurotribes by Steve Silberman.

I’m AuDHD and DH is ADHD; we met through a common interest at uni, but a uni that has a high proportion of ND students.

Pressed post too soon but meant to add I think we're also quite late to the mass diagnosis aswell. Originally Germany studied this during the war (Asperger's & the effects on overall health & ability) & had things been different there would have been a larger pool of people by the end. Obviously Germanys collapse/medical records being lost & stolen/anti-german sentiment meant the delayment but a formal pathway to identification & treatment probably would have been available in the 50's/60's/70's amongst the general population

I have an autistic (what would previously have been 'aspergers') child and a husband with autistic traits who I met online on a message board - before dating apps were a thing 😂
Though I also do have a couple of male relatives with an aspergers diagnosis.

We have two children, our eldest is 4 and has been diagnosed with autism and our youngest is 21 months and we believe he is neurotypical.

Neither myself or my husband have a diagnosis but my husband has some quite obvious autistic traits (can struggle to empathise, dislikes change, going somewhere new, change of routine etc, he also gets a bit obsessed with things and has lots of collections). He is very clever especially within his chosen field and I’ve also noticed that some of his friends and colleagues are quite similar to him with their mannerisms.

Up until recently the idea of me being autistic wouldn’t have crossed my mind but the more I think about it the more I think I do have some traits (social anxiety around new people and situations, speaking to people on the phone, hate being touched/ hugged etc unless it’s the kids, get very overwhelmed easily/ sometimes I find it difficult to do every day things). I am also quite sensitive to noise so hate anything loud near my ears/ sounds of eating but I oddly like very loud music. I’d never have considered myself autistic in the past because I am very empathetic, emotionally intelligent and also very sociable ( with known people) but the more I am learning about autism with our son the more I am understanding that autism can look different for people especially women and girls.

So no diagnosis’ here but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if we are both autistic but it’s not something I feel we are likely to ever pursue for ourselves.

We both met online, on tinder.

Thanks. I will give it a listen.

1). Yes we both have a diagnosis of ASD. I also have ADHD.

2). We met in person not online. Still impressed with myself for managing to talk to be honest as I suffer horrendously from situational mutism

Met DP in a very “normal” way (through uni pals). Our DC ended up diagnosed with autism, as did we, once we realised we were also clearly on the spectrum too. It explained a lot for both of us! Personally I think ND has always been there and has an evolutionary advantage in a population - we need a range of ways of thinking in order to progress as a species. We’re just better at spotting it now, especially in women. My DC each have at least 2-3 other diagnosed ND kids in their mainstream school classes, and if I think back to mine there were definitely a small number of us per class who were labelled odd/weird/eccentric but in hindsight were quite obviously ND. I certainly don’t think we’re anything new!

Definitely a familial link for my children. I suspected my ex was autistic before we had children, but at the time Asperger’s was still the term used and was wrongly thought as ‘not like autism really’. Now people are trying to ‘level’ autism in the same way, still a long way to go. I have adhd, as do my children, I can easily see which parent I inherited it from. I had a parent who worked with young adults with additional needs, they were saying 25 odd years ago that they could always tell which parent the person inherited autism from.

From personal experience, someone with ASD is very likely to end up with another ND person (usually adhd as it balances out), and since the internet and social media has come around it has been far easier for ND people to have relationships that lead to children. It has taken out the most difficult part for ND people to meet a partner - social interaction.

I have traits and dh has autism. 4 of our 5 dc have autism. Dh and I met at university.

My dds have just been diagnosed at 17 and 19. They went all through school being labelled as 'shy'. Possibly some traits in both me and dh which we picked up doing the girls questionnaires but nothing confirmed. We met working together.

Anecdata here, but from my own family. Of my kids generation, ALL of the kids are diagnosed or on the way to it, all ten. Of mine, one of six is. Of my parents generation none are.

And yet in terms of personality we’ve not changed. At family get togethers the older folk are clearly every bit as ND as the kids. A buffet is a nightmare to organise because of food issues, music and entertainment are a minefield, we all know that everyone there (apart from spouses) can be triggered into going into a long monologue about their own subject - and we all have a subject.

Life, society and schooling has changed dramatically. It’s loud and stressful, full of changes, a huge emphasis on the importance of soft skills. In my parents’ time it was accepted some kids were quiet or “weird” and didn’t like to be disturbed whilst others needed to fidget or run round the playground every couple of hours to shake the fidgets out. Now it’s not. It’s silence and stillness until yet another transition (Ofsted sets 20m as a maximum for one activity for primary) which could well be noisy. Lots of participation, which means uncertainty and social skills, but very little free exercise. Awful.

So from my own family and my memory of my school classmates, I think it just shows more because life is unbearable now. We had very few meltdowns because we could live the life we needed.

Both have traits, or are undiagnosed. Met at a small unique music club for like minded people, have similar interests and goals. Children all diagnosed ASD.