If your child is autistic or has autistic traits ...

[miscelleni]

1. Do you and/or the child's father also have autistic traits.
2. How did you meet? Was modern technology a factor in how you got together?

I'm asking because I've been listening to the new BBC podcast, The Autism Curve, which is about the exponential increase in autism diagnoses. In episode 1/2 they considered the data and explored how definitions and diagnostics have changed over time. But Episode 3 takes a step back and looks at the science of whether there could also be a real underlying increase with an identifiable cause. An academic from KCL says there is a strong genetic factor to autism, but that it is "unlikely" to explain the numbers (implying, I think, that genetics are random). Another academic, from UCL, says that if there is an environmental factor to be found then it is something that began in the 1990s and is most prevalent in high income countries.

It seems to me that, since the 1990s, people with autistic traits are much more likely to find each other and form relationships due to modern technology. And this is something that has increased exponentially with the uptake of social media.

I felt fairly socially isolated as a teenager in the 80s. I managed ok at school but was averse to phoning people or taking any first steps that might turn acquaintances into friends for fear of rejection. University was difficult for similar reasons. However, I started using email in my first job in 1993 and used it to keep in touch with course-mates from uni who I would otherwise have quickly lost touch with. One of them introduced me to someone she thought I would click with. We started emailing each other and I'm now married to him. We both have traits that probably lie somewhere on the autistic spectrum, as do both of our children, though not impactful enough for us to have sought formal diagnosis.

If I hadn't met DH in that way, I probably would have ended up with one of the many single males I've met in my tech-related job over the years, many of whom have autistic traits.

These days social media brings together many people with strong interests in things, from train spotting, to bird watching, to celebrity fandom, to history buffs, to comic con fans, etc etc. Could it be that the "randomness" of genetics is becoming much less random when it comes to neurodiversity?

I have two children with autistic traits flagged by school and nursery / childminder.

My husband is undiagnosed, but I think he is actually quite far along the autistic spectrum. My sibling is a psychiatrist and says the same about him, so I'm not imagining it. I think I also have some autistic and nd traits.

I met my husband in person though. No electronics involved. We met at a nerdy university which is well known for mathematics and engineering though, so don't know if that has something to do with it

More women attending university as well = more couples getting together and having kids

There is no informal diagnosis, do you mean self diagnosis? Some people may be able to access reasonable adjustments for symptoms without a diagnosis but to do that they have to be able to recognise they have symptoms of autism which is a problem in itself if you've survived to adulthood without knowing.

I mean where someone has suspected autistic traits that are causing difficulties, either self-identified or noted by a parent or teacher. Often it is the trigger for seeking formal diagnosis but, in the meantime, schools that have good SEN support will respond to the difficulty itself rather than waiting for the diagnosis.

I realise that not all schools have good SEN support though.

I understand. I think it ‘s very much school dependant but especially with high masking children a diagnosis makes a difference. It shouldn’t but it does.

@miscelleni formal diagnosis has unlocked some additional support but DS has a diagnosis for 3 conditions including ASD. He also gets extra time in exams which is useful.

How it might impact their future relationships? If you mean romantic, one of mine is married and their partner is autistic.

I know so many ND couples. Often they didn't know till later on. Usually one partner got diagnosed after a child and it took longer for the other (usually the mother) to start realising they were also ND.

I have an autistic adult child (diagnosed) and I have been diagnosed with autism as an adult. I met his father before I ever had regular access to the internet, but it wasn't a mainstream way to meet people, and if it had happened a decade later then I expect we would have been more likely to meet online - it was a natural way for each of us to communicate as we are both quite reserved in person.

I have 2 younger dcs who I had with my current partner. My eldest is likely autistic although not diagnosed. DH and I met in a bar/through a hobby. I don't think we would ever have got together online - he wouldn't have felt comfortable online dating and I would never think he was right for me on paper. But in person it worked! He works in tech and is likely autistic, but no diagnosis.

Autism is NOT a disorder. You are spreading fake information from your own opinion. You’ve no idea how many premature babies have autism or the other way around.

“Quite far along” ??? This isn’t how autism works.

It’s already been dropped. It’s ASC - autistic spectrum condition.

None of my autistic kids were premmie. Nor were they born to older parents. Looking at my family now that we know about autism, it's clearly been in the genes for quite some time.

We have 4 children.
one each from a previous relationship, 2 we share.
our older 2 (his and mine from previous) are autistic.
the 2 we share are autistic. These 2 have much higher needs then the older 2.

older 2 attend mainstream schools with very little support.
our son is out of school with a ehcp and nothing is suitable for him.
our youngest child is non verbal and is a special provision.

both DP and I are autistic although i also have ADHD.

it was child 3 being diagnosed that led us down the route of being diagnosed ourselves after professionals in his life suggested it. He was the first child to be diagnosed before our youngest followed shortly after. Our older 2 it wasn’t suspected till much later on when they started to struggle in ways we hadn’t seen previously.

I would also be willing to place a bet that both DP and I dad’s are on the spectrum as well.

DP and I met randomly at the cinema.

Quite far along the spectrum meaning that his level of autism is quite significant / severe, although he is high functioning.

Did you think I was saying his autism is progressing like an illness? I was not. HTH

https://www.thesmallestthings.org/parents-experience-of-sen-support-for-children-born-preterm
"Evidence tells us that children born premature are at higher risk of special educational needs than children born at term..."

@clinellwipe what is the classic engineer??

Yes, more and more neurodivergent people are meeting and having relationships and children than previously. ND is genetic, therefore there is a massive increase.

This link doesn't mention autism though. It is about SEN as a whole.

@Somethingscintillingsorry I hope it wasn’t offensive. I mean the stereotype of an autistic person who is very good at STEM - both our dads are engineers (but struggle with socialising, rigidity and so on)

@clinellwipe no not offensive fil is one and I've long suspected he has autism but I never knew the connection was a classic obvious thing

I have 5 children. 2 have diagnoses - 1 has autism and learning disabilities, 1 has autism and adhd. Of the other 3 one probably also has autism (Asperger’s as was) and adhd, and the other 2 have traits but I wouldn’t say enough to get diagnosed.

It was when I was doing my sons assessment forms for autism and adhd that I sat there and thought “but this is me, I do all this” I then got diagnosed 5 years ago with autism. I haven’t pursued an adhd diagnosis because it involves talking to too many people!

My ex, the kids dad, is definitely on the spectrum. He has 2 kids from his previous marriage, one is also diagnosed. Their mum has adhd. His parents definitely were on the spectrum too. As well as various uncles and aunts. My kids cousins have various diagnoses too.

On my side it’s a bit harder, though my late brother definitely had adhd. My dad was adopted, so it’s hard to tell if his difficulties were attachment based.

My current DP has a few traits, but I don’t think would be diagnosed. His son is definitely autistic, reckons his mum is too.

I met my ex in the pub when I was teenager. I met my current DP through volunteering. So modern technology wasn’t a factor in either, but then I’m old so there wasn’t the tech when I met my ex.