Do you love your parents?

[MyNextMove25]

I am wondering if I am in the minority here. I do not love my parents. Never have. I am mid/late forties. No abuse but neither parent was particularly emotionally available much (I think it’s just how they were raised). I have a friendly relationship now with my father and I like him. I have a complicated relationship with my mother and I don’t think I like her very much. I think my mother only cares about what I can provide for her financially and nothing else. She probably cares a bit, I don’t know.

The above used to make me sad until I had my own children. I love my children and I make sure they know this every single day. I sometimes feel sorry for my mother that she missed out/continues to miss out on the kind of love I share with my children and wish for her sake that it could have been different. Does anyone else have something similar with their parent(s)?

At the moment, I think I'd feel finally free of the never ending drama.

'There just isn't enough love in our family. It's not there.'

That's beautifully put, and incredibly sad. I can relate ❤️

I always wanted the really supportive, close relationship that some other people have with their parents. My dad made it clear from young that he only wanted a boy, not me. My mum was great when i was very young, but as soon as I had a personality of my own and she couldn't control me in the same way she lost all interest. I still got on better with my mum than my dad as an adult and when he died, I wasn't upset, just glad that he died first.

Yes .. with every fibre of my being .. my mum and step dad married for most of my life and absolutely our (me and my siblings both real and step) champions… could never of been better ..

Mine are long dead (would be well over 100 if alive) but I’m glad they’re gone, we never got on.

I know this might seem a bit trite, but there's a song by Lola Young called Messy, that I relate to so well. It goes "A thousand people I could be and you'd hate the fucking lot". I always have the feeling that if I conformed to what my dad wanted (by the looks of it, a woman he could punch down on, metaphorically, and who would still massage his pathetic ego) then I might, just might stand a chance of being loved. I'm so embarrassed that it was only when I got to 50 that I realised it. It's quite peaceful to give up trying to find the ever-shifting goalposts.

I love my dad very much. I'm in my 40s and he in his 70s. I still very much value his opinion and like to think I make him proud with my life choices. He isn't an overly affectionate person but he calls me every week (we live in different countries) and I miss him very much. My adult daughter now lives close by and sees him several times a week and he cares for her as if she were his own iykwim.
I do not love my mother, nor do I like my mother. I no longer actively hate her though, which is an improvement!! She is a horrible, spiteful woman who thinks she can wipe history by just denying thinks ever happened. I went no contact about 15 years ago and I know she tries to tell people that its because my dad fed me a story and I refuse to listen to her side, none of which is true.
I feel sad about that though. I have 4 children, and I know this sounds extreme, but I sometimes say that I love them so much it hurts. We are all very close and we say 'I love you' several times a day. Me to them, them to me and them to each other.
I keep waiting for the day when perhaps they start to drift away, I know it's likely to be inevitable as they get older and make their own way in life but I'm still as close to my children in the mid/late 20s as I am to my teens.

It's quite peaceful to give up trying to find the ever-shifting goalposts.

This is quite a timely thread. There was an "incident" with my mum yesterday. While I care about her and don't want her to be unhappy, I realised that she simply will not change. There's nothing at all I can do to make her happy. Dredging it all up to try and make her acknowledge the damage she did just fills her with baffled defensive shouty rage and then there's more drama. I'm so over it.

Unfortunately I could never have children so didn't get the chance to try and be different. I do have nieces and nephews though and we have a loving relationship I hope.

Complete indifference towards both parents. They were a car crash of early teen pregnancies (two), then played house and had another one, planned but not sure if she's my dad. My mother hated me, think she resented me as the second unplanned pregnancy and made my childhood a misery. Idolised the other two. Then the jealousy kicked in, younger and more successful than her. I spent many, many years chasing her validation and 'love'.

In hindsight a social worker, psychologist and adoption agency were needed to sort out the mess they created. All of us are estranged from both parents and each other. Mainly due to my toxic mother's manipulations.

She's widowed now. Couldn't care less what happens to her and very grateful to have swerved elder care.

I do love my parents, but I don't really see why it's expected that people should, if that makes sense?

I love my parents because, although obviously not perfect, they were kind, affectionate, funny, loving people who did a brilliant job of bringing me up, all things considered, and I'm very grateful for the values they instilled in us and the way they encouraged us and supported us. I get on well with both of them and I would say we have a lot in common as people, not just as relatives.

However, I think I'm very lucky and I don't think I would necessarily love my parents if they'd been different types of people. I think most of us would automatically feel some sort of bond with our parents just due to the family connection and upbringing, but not necessarily love. I think there are lot of people are essentially just shackled to their parents emotionally rather than loving or even liking them. There's really no reason we would have to feel genuine love and affection for someone solely because we're related to them.

I don’t lovemy dad no. He’s a narcissist only ever put his own needs first and was verbally and physically abusive. He would sell his own mother if he got a few quid. He was money mad.

He’s a frail old man now really and whilst I check in occasionally as I know he won’t have much time left surely, given he’s 80 and smoked most of his life, I won’t care when he dies. It will be like the old man over the road dying. I’ll briefly think that’s sad but he’s no loss in my life as he’s not been part of it since I was about 18 when I moved out as soon as I could. Definitely don’t feel love at all. I refused anything to to do with a care plan for him as you reap what you sow…

My mam died over 20 years ago and I was really sad when she died and she was a lovely person and I loved my mam.

My sister and I both decided that we wouldn't be willing to provide any sort of care for our mother if she needed it.
Of course we got all the "But you'll do it when the time comes because you only get one mum" blah blah blah

Sadly that’s not true for everyone.

I don't think so. I find them fairly irritating and fairly hard work. They are both critical and inclined to put me down.

They would both say that they love me, but it never really felt like it. I genuinely don't think I'll miss them much when they die, which feels mean.

It's complicated. I adore my dad with my whole heart. He's my best friend and we are like two peas in a pod. My mum, I love her, I have love for her that she's my mum, but we aren't mates. Not like me and dad.

she has been abusive and to contrast is a good grandparent to my DC but I think she's making up for it. Or so she thinks. She has done some very very silly things and put is in danger as kids which involved the LA.

I won't ever forgive some of those things.

Both my parents are dead, but I did love my mum (although she drove me mad on occasion!) and I miss her terribly. My dad was a very difficult character and no, I didn't love him.

My parents are dead.
I love my mum very much and miss her every day.
I kind of love my dad, but I do not like him, he was a bit of an arsehole.

More so my dad than my mum. When she died very late March 2020 I didn't shed a tear and still haven't. When dad died early November 2020 I sobbed my heart out. I still miss him more than her, not sure why though.

OK I changed my username for this - not that anyone cares I suppose - as it is a hard thing to admit and I can't really tell anyone else.

But no, not much, I do feel some affection I suppose, (more towards my Dad) but not really much love and I don't think I'll be that upset when they die. Or maybe when it comes to that I might surprise myself, who knows.

They are in their 80s. Have a few more physical care needs and I do support them a lot. No sign of dementia thank God. But I have come to realise over the last few years how selfish they are with money. Other family members could have done with help (not me or my own kids actually), which they were reluctant to give. They seem to think they're struggling pensioners when they have hundreds of thousands in the bank. They have also come out with some unpleasant right wing opinions and said things verging on racist. They are quite self absorbed, mainly interested in their own health and hobbies, and friends that are similar to them, grandchildren are beloved only if they don't rock the boat and challenge them in any way, My mother especially can be quite a cold person, and seems lacking in empathy.

And yet I can remember when I was in my teens she was a lovely mother to me, and I loved her dearly. What's sad is how she's changed, is it age, or has she always been like this really? they are not the people I once loved so much, or was I just seeing them through rose-tinted glasses?

I don’t think so. I feel indifferent about them really? Not sure what I feel. Don’t have a close relationship with either of them.

Yes I love and adore my parents. They are very old now and I still love to spend time with them. I’m very blessed to still have them.

I love both of my parents more than anything on earth. We are three best friends

I loved my mum very much. I loved my dad deep down but sadly the way he behaved at times made me so wary that love got pushed aside. However I miss him now he is dead and wish I had tried harder.

Yes I loved my parents and friends I’ve had for a long time also seem to have close, loving relationships with their parents (siblings not so much).

As I get older though I’m hearing more and more of people who have difficult relationships with their parents, either as an adult or due to their childhood so you are probably not unusual in that.

@Gest8I think it is quite common for people to become more self centred as they age and their world shrinks.