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Original poster

Do you love your parents?

134 replies

MyNextMove25 · 29/04/2025 12:04

I am wondering if I am in the minority here. I do not love my parents. Never have. I am mid/late forties. No abuse but neither parent was particularly emotionally available much (I think it’s just how they were raised). I have a friendly relationship now with my father and I like him. I have a complicated relationship with my mother and I don’t think I like her very much. I think my mother only cares about what I can provide for her financially and nothing else. She probably cares a bit, I don’t know.

The above used to make me sad until I had my own children. I love my children and I make sure they know this every single day. I sometimes feel sorry for my mother that she missed out/continues to miss out on the kind of love I share with my children and wish for her sake that it could have been different. Does anyone else have something similar with their parent(s)?

OP posts:
PoppyBaxter · 29/04/2025 14:57

I've never truly known if I love my parents. I get on really well with them both, but have complex feelings towards my mum.

I'm confident I love my husband of 20 years. But as someone who has chosen not to have kids, I don't have that unconditional love to compare the feeling to.
I don't think I love my siblings or neice and nephew.

When the lockdowns happened, I didn't miss a soul. I think I'm just a happy loner.

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 29/04/2025 14:58

I do love my parents, but there's alot of sadness there.
I relate to the shift you describe @MyNextMove25 on having your own children. I used to feel so angry with my parents, and then incredibly guilty for not being grateful or loving enough.
When I had my own child (late in life) all the anger and worrying fell away. It became so blindingly obvious that neither of my parents had any of the understanding they needed to meet the myriad emotional needs of a little one.

I no longer feel angry with them. I feel sad they were so failed in their own childhoods, to not have the capacity to love a child fully and wonderfully.

RaraRachael · 29/04/2025 14:59

Genuine question.
Why do people say things like "Of course I love them. They're my parents" or ""I don't like my mother but I iove her"

Why would I claim to love somebody who was more interested in what other people thought or said than the happiness of her own child?

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Families
PissedOffNeighbour22 · 29/04/2025 15:00

I don’t think I do. I’ll be sadder when my dad dies than my mum though.

My dad wasn’t particularly emotional when I was growing up and could definitely have done more. He did cry twice at my wedding last week and hugged me, which he hasn’t done since I was little. He wasn’t a bad dad at all and definitely does care about us (although my brother has rewritten this in his mind since meeting his wife and been convinced we all think he’s worthless 😕).

My mum was abusive and is narcissistic but as she’s got older she is in contact more and makes a big deal about hugging me and doing performance crying etc. Hard for me to have any feelings back for her given she used to regularly use a horse whip on us for perceived infringements of her rules.

I think she made it very difficult for me to have normal emotions as I’m not entirely sure that I love my kids or my husband either, in all honesty.

shellyleppard · 29/04/2025 15:03

I distanced myself from my parents a long time ago. Used to spend holidays with them and my children but the older they get the more difficult it is. My dad is now 80 and we have a long distance relationship. But if he needs me I'm there as soon as I can possibly get to him. I have my own children (now teenagers) and I always tell them I love them every day

TweetingHurricane · 29/04/2025 15:03

Your experience is quite common OP, colder parents in older generations were more common.. from the war, from not having contraceptives so non maternal and paternal people ended up as parents, deeply unhappy people who didn’t want to be married but had to, more stiff upper lip, men had to be emotionless etc etc

notadrift · 29/04/2025 15:04

Nope

Kathbrownlow · 29/04/2025 15:06

I kind of do, but it's more like pity really.

TokyoKyoto · 29/04/2025 15:06

Not really. I have an appreciation and nostalgia for the happier bits of my childhood, but both of them behaved selfishly when they split (we were young) and made choices which had lifelong effects on us.

My dad, in addition, has been spectacularly cruel at various times. Neither of them cares much for my kids now that they aren't children. There just isn't enough love in our family. It's not there.

MyKingdomForACat · 29/04/2025 15:09

I loved them and they loved me. I love my children in the same way. I’ve been very blessed ❤️

Mistyglade · 29/04/2025 15:09

About as much as they love me, so no.

MoistVonL · 29/04/2025 15:10

RaraRachael · 29/04/2025 14:59

Genuine question.
Why do people say things like "Of course I love them. They're my parents" or ""I don't like my mother but I iove her"

Why would I claim to love somebody who was more interested in what other people thought or said than the happiness of her own child?

Because it’s the earliest loving relationship people have?
Because most people do love their parents, even when they don’t always like them.
Because that bond from newborn through childhood to adulthood is an incredibly important one that shapes the people we grow up to be.
Because most of the time they look after us.

Some parents are abusive or neglectful, but most aren’t.

Darkambergingerlily · 29/04/2025 15:11

Yes I love both my parents. Divorced. Made some mistakes but they’re human. Still love them to pieces. Yes they piss me off but that’s family. Love them deeply

WestwardHo1 · 29/04/2025 15:15

Lottapianos · 29/04/2025 14:48

I honestly don't know whether I love my parents or not. They say they love me, but it feels like need rather than love. They need me to be what they want me to be, ideally still a young child or at least a teenager. They're furious with me for growing up, moving to a different country, leading my own life and separating from them emotionally.

Their 'love' feels entirely conditional. I've often felt that it was me who needed to parent then, rather than the other way around. They're rude, cold, critical, self absorbed and judgemental. I really don't like spending time with either of them. Years of therapy, a ton of active grieving and being in low contact with them has helped, but if I'm honest it still hurts

I'm like this with my mum. Everything feels conditional and transactional, and my whole life I've felt like if only I was a bit more...something (have never worked out what exactly), she would love me more, or approve of me more or like me more. It's exhausting even as a fifty year old.

My dad was very different. He loved me exactly as I was,

Butthechildrentheylovethebooks · 29/04/2025 15:20

I've never actually asked myself that specific question, but now I have I really don't think I can say that I love my parents.
They both made my life incredibly difficult though I know they love me.

My dad died a few years ago and I wasn't that upset. It's still a weird thing to go through, losing a parent, but I know my feelings were no where near the strength of people who have had good relationships with their parents. I actually felt grateful for that.

I was very close to my mum when I was little, but things that have happened over the years have killed that. I wouldn't say she set out to directly hurt me but the fallout from her actions has been immense at times. So I'm not sure the feelings I have for her could be described as love. More affection maybe.

We are NC with PIL. I wouldn't say there's any love there either way. In a twisted way it's nice that me and DH can relate to our feelings for our parents. It's incredibly hard for people that have good relationships with their parents to understand. Equally I find it hard to relate to people when they are worried about their parents, or looking forward to seeing them, or just raving about what great parents they are! It surprises me sometimes how much my DC love me and DH and I never take it for granted.

WestwardHo1 · 29/04/2025 15:23

It's incredibly hard for people that have good relationships with their parents to understand.

Yes, you get a lot of bafflement. "But she's your mum" etc

RaraRachael · 29/04/2025 15:29

I sometimes wonder why people like my mother bothered to have children

I used her "parenting" model to do the exact opposite with my children.

whitewineandsun · 29/04/2025 15:33

Cynic17 · 29/04/2025 14:47

There's no "of course" about it. Clearly you were lucky, but lots of people aren't.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 29/04/2025 15:34

Yes I do. My childhood was tough but they did the best they could with what they had. I was very angry as a young adult but I've worked through a lot and I forgive them completely. They are both dead now but I have closure.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 29/04/2025 15:42

What a sad thread. I'm sorry for those who haven't had the benefit of loving relationships with their parents.

I do love my dad, and I did love my mum, who is sadly no longer alive. Neither of them were perfect parents - who is?! - but I feel very lucky to have had them.

Lottapianos · 29/04/2025 15:42

'Everything feels conditional and transactional, and my whole life I've felt like if only I was a bit more...something (have never worked out what exactly), she would love me more, or approve of me more or like me more'

Can completely relate - nothing is ever good enough. It helps me to remember that it comes from their deep insecurities and feeling that way about themselves. In a way it's liberating - nothing will ever be good enough so you start to set your own standards and trust your own judgement more rather than relying on their approval (easier said than done of course). As you say though, bloody exhausting

Original poster
MyNextMove25 · 29/04/2025 15:42

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 29/04/2025 14:58

I do love my parents, but there's alot of sadness there.
I relate to the shift you describe @MyNextMove25 on having your own children. I used to feel so angry with my parents, and then incredibly guilty for not being grateful or loving enough.
When I had my own child (late in life) all the anger and worrying fell away. It became so blindingly obvious that neither of my parents had any of the understanding they needed to meet the myriad emotional needs of a little one.

I no longer feel angry with them. I feel sad they were so failed in their own childhoods, to not have the capacity to love a child fully and wonderfully.

I think you have put it more succinctly than I did! I wish for them that they, especially my mother, could have experienced what I have with my own children. I hope I will continue to have a loving relationship with my children into their adulthood and then any grandchildren.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyNextMove25 · 29/04/2025 15:45

Some of these responses are sad and some are wonderful! I was thinking about my parents and feeling bad about not loving them. I appreciate my parents for looking after me and ensuring I got an education etc. Feels like I ‘should’ love them for it but that’s not how it worked out

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 29/04/2025 15:52

WestwardHo1 · 29/04/2025 15:23

It's incredibly hard for people that have good relationships with their parents to understand.

Yes, you get a lot of bafflement. "But she's your mum" etc

And “ but what if something happen to her tomorrow?” I’d feel the same way which other people just don’t get.

AliceMcK · 29/04/2025 15:56

TokyoKyoto · 29/04/2025 15:06

Not really. I have an appreciation and nostalgia for the happier bits of my childhood, but both of them behaved selfishly when they split (we were young) and made choices which had lifelong effects on us.

My dad, in addition, has been spectacularly cruel at various times. Neither of them cares much for my kids now that they aren't children. There just isn't enough love in our family. It's not there.

You have put into words I couldn’t describe and felt guilty about. I appreciate the nostalgia and do have some good memories which is why I feel guilty. But those few happy nostalgic memories don’t and shouldn’t outweigh the negative ones.