Do you love your parents?

[MyNextMove25]

I am wondering if I am in the minority here. I do not love my parents. Never have. I am mid/late forties. No abuse but neither parent was particularly emotionally available much (I think it’s just how they were raised). I have a friendly relationship now with my father and I like him. I have a complicated relationship with my mother and I don’t think I like her very much. I think my mother only cares about what I can provide for her financially and nothing else. She probably cares a bit, I don’t know.

The above used to make me sad until I had my own children. I love my children and I make sure they know this every single day. I sometimes feel sorry for my mother that she missed out/continues to miss out on the kind of love I share with my children and wish for her sake that it could have been different. Does anyone else have something similar with their parent(s)?

We have a sad and complex history. I've been told that most people would have walked away but they're all I have. They're in their 80s. When they leave I will be alone.

I don't know how I feel about them in terms of love but I know how I'll feel when they're gone. I break down in tears every few days thinking about the future. It's like I'm already grieving for them and for myself.

F

Yes, very much. I am exceedingly fortunate to have had good parents who always made sure I knew I was loved. I know how lucky that makes me, believe me.

I adored every fibre of my dad. He was (after my children) my most favourite person in the world. Whilst he sometimes made mistakes (like all of us), he made me feel safe in a way no other person ever has (including my husband of 20 happy years if I’m completely honest). We were very similar in outlook and really enjoyed each other’s company. He was a brilliant grandad and very involved with my children, who absolutely adored him. He died unexpectedly of a heart attack last year. I miss him every single day.

When I got the phone call from the paramedic I was in complete shock honesty and had a complete meltdown. I told my husband, ‘it shouldn’t have been him. Why was it him, and not her?! (My mum)’. Whilst I’ve never repeated it and would never say it aloud again…. If I’m honest I still feel that way.

My mother and I have a complicated relationship. Possibly derived from the fact that she had very severe PND as a child, and had a difficult upbringing herself. She was not particularly loving as a mother, maybe when I was a young child, but according to her by the time I was 8 I was ‘horrid’ and we didn’t have a close relationship particularly. My younger brother was very clearly her favourite. I wasn’t an easy teenager, however in the grand scheme of things nothing to get excited about (no drugs/police involvement/no real trouble at school- just lazy and more interested in socialising). It was a better as an adult once I’d moved out.

Since my dad’s death I’m her main source of support. I see her 3 times a week (more than I ever have since moving out as a teen). She has various health issues. I do find it hard, and have to go and take deep breaths in the loo on occasion as to not snap back at her comments.

i do love her, and if the chips were down, I do think she would be there for me (i remember years ago being actively surprised when she visited me in hospital having gone to the trouble of making me food to avoid the hospital food that was hot and miss). I do think she loves me. I just think day to day our relationship can be tricky, we are very different people, and as I said she is emotionally distant/non demonstrative.

I have actively made sure I tell my children that I love them every day, and we are quite tactile/huggy. Even the teen and adult boys. When my eldest went to uni it was a nice surprise that he said, speaking to his friends, that he’d realised he’d really lucked out with his parents, and not everyone was so lucky.

i am trying not to feel resentful- that I’m doing far more in a caring role than she did for me when I needed her eg when I had babies/v young kids, or than she did for her own mother. I keep telling myself that I am in charge of my own behaviour and reactions, and I have to be at peace with those. I can’t change her’s or the past. I don’t believe in heaven/god etc, but I feel that if I were to be judged in some respect that I can say I really have tried to be a good and kind daughter over the last year, and actually to me it doesn’t matter whether she deserved it or not.

I love my dad. My mum is an absolute nightmare. She was a rubbish mum and now she’s trying to overcompensate by being a good grandmother . But all she does is undermine me, make trouble and shout at me. Drives me nuts.

I love them both very much, they aren't perfect and made mistakes but they were young, both from very difficult childhoods and poor but they did their upmost best to be good parents and I had a happy, if somewhat deprived childhood. My mum can be difficult but she's my mum, I went though a period of difficulty with her in my 20's and held some resentment towards her for a while, but she did so much for me and I've forgiven all the things that caused me pain. My Dad is an amazing father, I was very lucky there. They are both getting old now and I don't see the point in holding things against them I just feel love and gratitude for them both.

I was NC with my father. Against my better judgement, on persuasion of a sibling, I visited him in hospital hours before he died. I felt nothing. It was a relief when I was told he had died the next morning. His funeral reminded me just how unimportant I had been to him and why I was NC. I have not shed a a tear for his death. It has given me the opportunity to try and rebuild some sort of relationship with my mother. I am not sure if I love her, I have a lot of anger towards her for not protecting me from my father and for staying with him, but I am trying my best to.

.

This is absolutely beautiful, I’m all choked up reading it. I’m so happy for you that you had that experience.

I love my parents very much, but I’m NC with my dad. It makes me sad that I am but following lots of therapy after having had cancer, it came to light that a relationship with him wasn’t good for me. I miss him, but he caused me a lot of pain over the years.

My mum can be hard work but I love her, she adores me, she’s a good nanny and always makes sure we all know how much she loves us.

Thank you @Amybelle88
I realise I was very fortunate having the parents that I had and having such a strong relationship with them. I find it so very sad that so many people have poor or no relationship with their parents and sad situations especially in childhood have happened to them. I'm glad your mum is in your life but sorry about your dad although it sounds as if going nc with your him waa for the best. Wishing you very well regarding the cancer. I have recently gone into remission for the second time and had a bone marrow transplant so I know the toll it takes and how it can make you reassess life.

No, they were both horrible, physically and mentally abusive.

They loved it when anything went wrong in my life.

Was absolutely besotted with my mum she was my best friend, lost her suddenly 5 years ago when I was heavily pregnant with my first baby. Looking back I don’t know how I’ve made it , or my marriage .
went NC about 18M after my mum died with my dad, grief changes everything and you do some serious soul searching

No. I don’t even think I ‘like’ my mother.

This is what I have seen portrayed in some movies and have often wondered what it would be like in real life. Your post warms my heart. This is lovely. Your parents must have had good role models.

I had this too as they said my sister stood in my shadow as people seemed to like me more . They deliberately went out of their way to smash my confidence and build up my sister . My dad confirmed this to me later in life .

I could have written this. Gosh I feel so isolated my entire life, struggling to meet anyone who had been through anything similar. I met a few people over the years who said their mum was an alcoholic, next thing they’re out having afternoon tea with together…. Ok so not the same level as my mum, who we cannot take out in public, nor do we want to spend 1:1 time with her. My mum has met my 2.5 year old once and never met my 7 month old. She was an awful mother to me and my Dad preyed on her vulnerability and insecurity, he destroyed any mental health she might have had. They were both toxic and a terrible set of parents. My comment is at the top but I didn’t cry when Dad died. He was not a nice person, he told me after I had my son that I had become fat and podgy and didn’t even ask how I was. That was when DC1 was 4.5 months, and when Dad passed DC1 was 2. He’d never seen him again.

I wish we could go for a cuppa and chat about our rubbish parents and how we are breaking the cycle with happy children! My Mum used to slur while drunk in worse language than this but along the lines of ‘I had a terrible mother and that’s why I am the way I am’ and I vowed even as a 13 year old I wouldn’t put my children through this and I haven’t. That said, I didn’t marry a psychopath.

Alcoholic parents must just be the absolute worst.😥

Same same. It's hard my mum is now very ill / getting towards the end of her life. I will feel some sadness when she goes because she is my mother but I'm sure a lot of relief. She always made life about herself. I try and do the opposite with my kids. Solidarity.

No I don’t love my parents.

They are and always have been judgmental and cold. I was always told I was too much and did not do “things” in the proper way which they are obsessed with. Last summer was the breaking point and I was accused of various wrongs when what I had actually been doing was bending over backwards to keep everyone happy.

it made me realise I would never be good enough so I had therapy and went very low contact with them and I feel so much happier.

They have always preferred my younger sister and I think she is relishing the fall out but I have found my own peace now so it all bounces off me.

No.
I used to to when I was younger but they were just awful parents, neglect, abuse etc.

It’s crazy that even in my 20s I would still buy them Father’s Day and Mother’s Day gifts/cards in an attempt to rebuild a relationship, I should of just gone NC when I was thrown out of the house.

I only realised when I had my own children how awful they are.

I will feel relief when they pass away.

Loved them both very much but especially my dad as he was such an easy person to love. When he moved in with us a couple of years after my mum died it was brilliant. I still miss them both even though they've both been gone a long time now.

My Parents were very loving, firm but fair. Just the right balance. I have an incredibly close relationship with my mum and adore her. She is amazing. If I am a 10th of a good parent to my ds's as my mum was and is to me, it'll be enough.

@candyflosslova
I only realised when I had my own children how awful they are.

Especially for DH this was a major reason of us going NC. As our DC grew up he would reflect on situations he was in when he was the same age as them. We've been together almost 28 years, and even now a memory he'd forgotten might resurface and it never fails to horrify/upset me. I'm so glad we're NC, they don't deserve him.

For me I just couldn't ever connect the feelings I have for my own children with the way me and my siblings were treated /brought up. I know for sure my mum can't possibly feel about me the way I feel about my DC, despite her being a 'lovely' person, and a really good grandma. I've accepted it and it is what it is.

I didn't love my Father. He was a workaholic so I barely knew him when I was growing up. He then had an affair with his, much younger, secretary when I was 13 which caused carnage within the family. His behaviour was so selfish and immature that I could only look at him with contempt afterwards.

My relationship with my Mum is much more complex. I adored her when I was growing up and through my twenties we were very close. But after having my own children I saw her through fresh eyes. She had failed to protect me during my Father's affair, instead she had used me as an emotional crutch far too much. She sent me to live with my GPs when I was only 17, and midway through A Levels, because my Father moved away with his job and she went too. She didn't try, in the slightest, to ever foster a good relationship with DH. She constantly undermined me with our DDs despite me having had severe PND and needed support and reassurance.

I was the dutiful daughter and cared for her in my own home when she was first diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was her advocate in trying to access immunotherapy and drug trials. I always did the Right Thing because I wanted to be able to look myself in the mirror without shame. But when she died I didn't grieve and ever since I have just felt a sense of relief that I just don't have to deal with her anymore.