Was my daughters head teacher out of order?

[Lilacbluewaters]

I’ll have to cut a long story short but my child has struggled attending school since she started. She is now in year 1. Due to being ill a lot and when she is poorly it really gets her run down unlike others and also struggles with social&emotional wellbeing.
she has been very anxious and suffers with very severe sleep anxiety, especially if she knows she was going to school. She can be awake at 2am!
she struggles with low moods and it also affects her appetite. We have had some support from school mainly as I requested an ehcp assessment and the senco has been most helpful. They have put her in a reduced timetable for a week to ease her in but she still struggles.
after Easter holidays she was very distressed about going back and was begging me not to send her and so I said she can stay at home and I will contact the school. I was sent an email to come in for a meeting with the head teacher with no intentions of my child going into school. I got her up and ready for the meeting and as soon as we got into the head teachers office, she did not speak to me about what support they can offer to help she just said that we need to get you back into school to my child. She went on to ask her things about her brother, about what her night time routine looks like etc. and then said everyone misses her, shall we go into class? My daughter is quiet but said yes she would like to go to see her friends. She had no uniform, no drink or lunch, nothing.
I felt a bit numb from shock as I thought it was supposed to be a meeting to discuss things with me but it felt like a trap to just get my child into school. After school she was very distressed and couldn’t understand her own emotions, I told the school how disappointed I was and that I felt it was a trap and not a meeting. How would you feel?

No.

No.

No

You either need to home educate your dc or tell them they have to go to school.as it's rhe law. Work with the school to see what accommodations they can male to make your dcs life easier. I think the head did what she felt was the most constructive thing, letting ypyr dc call all the shots isn't working.

Why did you turn up not expecting you dc to go to school that day? You’re enabling it and suggesting there’s an option. It’s a legal requirement and you need to get to the bottom of what’s underlying it rather than seeing her up to fail. Head did her job and got dc in.

She should have addressed your concerns, yes.

School non for everyone…

I agree about consider home schooling

This is tricky but I don't think she was wrong to be honest. If your intention is to get her in school, you aren't helping by telling her she's allowed to stay home. One of my children struggled in the first few years, and while I empathized with the struggle and that it was stressful, I also had to support her in going. We had support from the school where the deputy would sit with her and I together and then walk her to her room and it was easier for her than when I had to walk away from her alone. If you think school is too much for her and you would prefer to homeschool her then maybe organize that, but just saying "oh no you want to stay home okay" isn't going to do her any good. It sounds like you might need more than just support from the school if she is struggling that much with sleep as well have you spoken with her doctor?

Pull her out. Your child is obviously distressed but too young to explain some of the low level toxicity she’s being exposed to. The schools don’t give a shit about your daughters mental health

The headteacher was right to do what she did although she should have tried to address some of your concerns.

You can't just present not going to school as an option to your child.

Look up Naomi fisher - she's a clinical phycologist who works in this field. And just to say pps are wrong about the enabling - thats not how it works. They are right that school does not work for all children. Also look at the group "not fine in school". They are a wealth of information and advice in this area.

my job as a parent is to ensure my child goes to school and they are not given the option not too, so I would feel it is my responsibility to take my child to school, if that is not possible I would need to home school and no I would not put the blame on the school

My eXH has a family member whose daughter was a so called school refuser. The mother pandered to it in the same way by never making her go.

As an adult with children of her own she says she wishes her mother had made her go to school more as pandering to her had a detrimental effect on her.

I know that everyone cries “mental health” as son as a child doesn’t want to go to school but the reality is that children often knows what makes their parents work, and a few tears before school is often enough to make a parent say that something is definitely going on and let the kids stay home.

Assuming there’s nothing major going on such as bullying, in general if parents encourage their kids they ultimately skip off to school and enjoy the day.

Don’t think that kids, even little ones, are beyond manipulation to get what they want. It’s an instinct, as adults it’s a conscious one, as children they just learn what gets them what they want.

The head should have spoken to you about the issues, although I suspect you wouldn’t have wanted to hear that the reason your child is refusing to going to school is because you’re pandering to her. So she did what was the appropriate thing to do, and what you should have done, and encouraged your daughter to into class.

The fact your daughter skipped off without any distress makes it fairly clear that this is a you problem and not a school one.

I do think that school has a "one size fits all" approach which only fits the majority. School can't be tailored to your child's specific needs, there just isn't the support there. It is really bad at helping kids that are outside the norm! Obviously you can't say that keeping her home without an education is an option. So either find a way for your child to fit in, or homeschool her. All that HT cares about is bums on seats. This is based on my experience, having a child almost finish 12 years of school.

The head couldn’t have spoken to you openly with your child present.

Sometimes children need this kind of spontaneous approach to get over anticipatory anxiety. Sometimes this approach makes anxiety worse, as children will then worry even more about what might unexpectedly happen. It really does depend on the child.

You say you’ve had support from the SENCO. Is your DD on a diagnostic pathway?

I have two autistic DC who were at school until Y5. DS in special school, DD struggling in in mainstream. COVID lockdown showed me how much happier they were at home and what a better way it was for them to learn.

We’ve home educated since 2020. The difference in my DC has been overwhelming. They don’t use all their energy trying to cope with school so they have much more capacity for active learning. Anxiety levels have plummeted. My DS used to cry every Sunday night and at the end of school holidays. I used to feel sick having to take him into school because I knew he’d by crying, clinging to me, and begging me not to leave him. I thought I was doing what was best for him but when I look back now I can see I should have pulled him out sooner. My DD has blossomed too.

You can put your DD back into school later if you want. Home educating doesn’t have to be forever. We are part of a really active home education network locally and there’s a real mix. We have kids who have never been to school and never will, kids who tried school but struggled, and kids who were at home until they were teens and then rejoined school.

Schools are great, I was a school governor so I’m a great believer in what they can offer. But classes are big and teachers have limited support so if your child thrives in a different type of environment or learns better in a different type of way, schools can only offer limited support.

Knowing what I know now, I’d say deregister and home educate. Your DD is still so little. Take time out and re-evaluate where you are in 1-2 years time.

Going quietly doesn’t necessarily indicate they were happy.

Masking is a very real thing and is a behaviour often displayed by girls, particularly neurodivergent girls. The fact the child was distressed at the end of the day would suggest she was masking.

I’m not even getting into the whole “pandering” subject because for the majority of school refusers, it’s so far off the mark it’s ridiculous.

it’s odd that you took your DD to the meeting. Would you really have discussed her issues in front of her with the Head? I think that’s off and that the Head was right to take her out of the room. Also think it’s odd to take her in when you’re keeping her off, and I don’t really think you should’ve caved and kept her off either but as you are, it’s then confusing to take her in to meetings. You need to decide if you’re committing to the schooling thing or not and if not then homeschool, but keeping her off and taking her around with you like that isn’t going to be helpful. What’s so bad about the Head taking her into class anyway when it’s school hours, she’s in school, not ill, not upset and happy to go see her friends. Why wouldn’t you be glad she’d gone to class and then have the adult conversation with the Head when she came back? You can always drop her lunch off after, that’s not the issue.

Lots of ignorance on this thread.

Definitely agree with pp Naomi Fisher and Not fine in school groups are brilliant for information.

People like to think it's their brilliant parenting for ESBA ( needs new terminology) it so isn't. It could happen to anyone of us and it's hell.

Why did you take her to a meeting about her semh needs, that’s not appropriate. You shouldn’t be discussing your dd in front of her. But the head got her into school which is what you both wanted.

if this is a case of having not adjusted to going to school then she needs to go and get use to the idea that school is a permanent fixture. She should only be off if very poorly. Tiredness , cold and feeling run down don’t count.

But you also need to unpick what’s happening here, is it the classroom, the teacher, the kids? Be honest with yourself have you projected your own anxieties about her health onto her? If you can get to the root cause you are better prepared for success.

is there anything that could done to make things easier, could she start at 9 and go in through reception to make the start of the day easier.? An early finish of say 3 to make the day slightly shorter.

You also need to decide do you want/feel school is in her best interests or would she benefit from home schooling? Not all kids suit the class environment.

School want kids in school learning that’s their aim. A good school will make reasonable adjustments to support that where needed. But they don’t know what’s happening at home, you can’t just decide she gets a day off because she doesn’t want to go as it’s a legal requirement to send children to school when possible. And it sends your dd the wrong message that school is a choice.

If the child has genuine anxiety, other MH issues and/or SEN, those issues need to be addressed. Are there CAMHS, GP or private therapy/diagnostic pathways in train?

If your child has a genuine disability, I feel for you and imagine many parents in those circumstances are in dire straits, giving up work, etc and living in straitened financial circumstances.

As a first step, it might be worth changing schools, although you can't keep doing this. Sometimes a school and a child are just not the right fit. Alternatively, a Forest school or home schooling may be options.

The one thing that stands out for me, however, is that you are in a position to enable your daughter. I can't help but wonder whether this situation could prevail if you waved your dd a cheery goodbye on your way to work.

Ultimately, I don't think the HT was wrong and I think you need to keep open channels of communication to suppprt your daughter.

Are you not working yourself to be able to facilitate all this?

It was inappropriate to take your daughter to the meeting so I’m not surprised the HT decided to scrap talking with you and talk with her instead. From your daughter’s behaviour on the day the HT deemed her adequate to attend class (which seems to be the case). Asking her those types of questions seems totally normal.

As the parent you are the role model to your child. Now she knows that school attendance is negotiable not compulsory it will be even harder to get her to go. Almost every kid goes through a school aversion or clingy phase early on. Have you assessed her routine, talked with her and set up expectations and rewards regarding school attendance?

If her anxiety is truly that bad have you taken her to a child psychologist or at least seen the GP for a referral? It seems unreasonable to dump the responsibility solely with the school because she is anxious/clingy.

If you truly want to throw the towel in at this stage you’d best withdraw her asap and home school.

Dont rush to "pull her out" and home educate, the minute you do that the local authority has no responsibility (either practically or financially) to provide an education for her.

The EHCP sounds like a good start - where are you at with that? As part of the process she will be seen by an educational psychologist, but the process is long, slow and often a challenge (it's expensive for the LA, they will drag their heels and try and get away with the bare minimum).

Is she able to articulate her thoughts and feelings well enough to explain what the problems are?
Does she have any medical diagnoses? Are school noticing traits of anything specific? Her sleep, school refusal and mental health do not sound like that of a "typical" 5/6 year old.

If you can afford it (about £2000-£2500 depending where you are) I'd consider an independent/private Ed psych assessment. Our child's LA EP reports have been 2-3 pages long. The independent ones have been 40+ pages.

Ask the headteacher what the school policy is for emotionally-based school non-attendance. New attendance guidelines say that schools have to offer support to those struggling to attend before they can go start with any sort of punitive actions. I have a child (although older than yours) who has great difficulty attending. I'm also a primary school teacher and we want to support children who find school difficult.

Also ask if there is any therapy available in school. Do you have any concerns about possible neurodivergence? There is a strong correlation between children who find the school environment very challenging and being ND.

What professional support are you providing to your child? I thought it was a typo when you said she is in year 1. What you describe sounds more like something I would expect from a teenager.