Was my daughters head teacher out of order?

[Lilacbluewaters]

I’ll have to cut a long story short but my child has struggled attending school since she started. She is now in year 1. Due to being ill a lot and when she is poorly it really gets her run down unlike others and also struggles with social&emotional wellbeing.
she has been very anxious and suffers with very severe sleep anxiety, especially if she knows she was going to school. She can be awake at 2am!
she struggles with low moods and it also affects her appetite. We have had some support from school mainly as I requested an ehcp assessment and the senco has been most helpful. They have put her in a reduced timetable for a week to ease her in but she still struggles.
after Easter holidays she was very distressed about going back and was begging me not to send her and so I said she can stay at home and I will contact the school. I was sent an email to come in for a meeting with the head teacher with no intentions of my child going into school. I got her up and ready for the meeting and as soon as we got into the head teachers office, she did not speak to me about what support they can offer to help she just said that we need to get you back into school to my child. She went on to ask her things about her brother, about what her night time routine looks like etc. and then said everyone misses her, shall we go into class? My daughter is quiet but said yes she would like to go to see her friends. She had no uniform, no drink or lunch, nothing.
I felt a bit numb from shock as I thought it was supposed to be a meeting to discuss things with me but it felt like a trap to just get my child into school. After school she was very distressed and couldn’t understand her own emotions, I told the school how disappointed I was and that I felt it was a trap and not a meeting. How would you feel?

I can only speak of my own experience, but schools closing for many months during the global pandemic and my kids being able to work from home and still make progress changed things enormously.

As to so what if they mask for a few hours, yes society demands that we all mask to a certain extent, but for some individuals, the level of masking required to go to school reaches intolerable levels.

Also, I don't think it's true that no child was home educated or withdrawn from mainstream education when you were in YR. Maybe you didn't know any, but that is entirely different from no child at that time being educated in a different way.

Only traveller dc didn’t go to school. I’m nearly 70. Parents would have been mortified at non attendance and no one was teaching at home. Parents were busy. Of course we knew who was doing what in a relatively small place. Working in education 30 years later, we had a few. Our senior teacher visited them regularly and were parental choice. A handful of dc struggling were and under child psychologists and psychiatrists. A few very dysfunctional families. It was not viewed as it is now. Agree Covid changed dc but that’s not the whole picture.

@TizerorFizz I think that when your kid won't go to school is still viewed as being something shameful. Many comments on this thread support this.

Many parents are mortified now by non attendance. It's definitely not an easy option trying to provide alternative education for a child who is not coping in the current mainstream setting.

I think many children used to struggle and had other, sometimes very destructive, coping mechanisms in place - I know I did when I was secondary age in the 90s. Unmet needs from childhood can lead to problems in adulthood. I would hope that by meeting children's needs when they are children gives them a better chance of avoiding mental health problems later in life.

Society has changed hugely. Family support networks have shrunk, education resources are stretched beyond all recognition and the curriculum needs a massive overhaul, social media exists, and it is slowly becoming more acceptable to say that you are struggling.

So yes, I absolutely agree that the pandemic is not the whole picture as to why school is less accessible to more children now.

What family support networks? No one much had them at my primary. Quite a few dc arrived home and parents were still at work. Few extended families even in the 60s. I walked to school at 5 and other older dc crossed a road with me. We had to do these things.

I’m not sure primary schools have changed a great deal and not every secondary, although some are indeed horrible! My parents had no support and neither did anyone else. You really did expect your dc to go to school. I think maybe this runs in families if you didn’t want to go either? There’s quite a lot that wasn’t great about schools in the 60s and 70s but we were definitely more resilient because we had to be. It’s like people who had to do national service. You might not like it but you did it.

There are cases where dc really do need help but quite a few just need consistency and an expectation to go. Often changing school can be good if the ethos is wrong. However I don't think the op really wants to work on this. It’s easier not to.

Parents can protect primary dc from social media and other influences if they don’t start on that slippery slope in the first place. Again expectation and moderation.

Many children - particularly neurodivergent girls - are quiet because they shut down internally rather than having explosive outward meltdowns. It doesn’t mean they are happy or that all is ok.

As I said earlier, sometimes the tactic of the teacher taking the child in helps them get over anticipatory anxiety. If that’s the only barrier, that can be a good strategy.

However, it doesn’t work for all kids as it’s often not just about getting into class, it’s about managing while you’re there. And for some kids, for various reasons, it’s too much.

In your other comments you sound like you’ve scoffing at mental health and masking.

Imagine a really tough day at work: you’ve got to do a presentation to the board. You’re not very good at it, you don’t know what’s going to happen. You’re anxious and a bundle of nerves. The whole day you’re in a state of high arousal, living on your nerves. You can’t concentrate on anything else because you just want to get the big presentation over with. You do it, and go home. Exhausted.

Then tomorrow, you have another day just like that. And the next day. And the next. And so on.

It’s not sustainable.

That huge, exhausting day is what school can be like for some children. Every day.

No one can exist in such a high anxiety state for a prolonged period of time. And they certainly can’t learn productively while they’re using all of their resilience to just get through the day. That’s masking. It’s exhausting when it has to be performed so extensively and maintained for a long period of time.

We should help our children to overcome short-term anxiety and learn how to conquer difficult things.

But we also need to recognise that humans aren’t a one-size-fits-all breed. Neurodivergence and other conditions can mean the school environment doesn’t work for some children. Schools do their best but only have finite resources. School is designed for the masses, not the few who don’t fit in.

Incidentally, home education started to grow en masse in the 1970s. It existed before, it always has, but was more isolated. So as you’re nearly 70, it’s very possible you didn’t know many home educating kids. But my dad was your age, and he simply truanted, as did many of his friends. Technically “at school” but very much not present. For years. No one would get away with that today. Different eras, different approaches.

It sounds like you are enabling it you managed to get her into the school just fine for the meeting why wouldn't you be happy that you'd got your child into class? Ok she may have a meltdown when she gets home you deal with it but the more you give in the more she won't want to go.

No matter what you have to remember that one day these children will have to be independent and you need to teach them skills on managing anxiety and how to cope with situations if your not doing that then you are holding your child back.

Schools have changed MASSIVELY since you were there. The pressure on every adults and child in a school environment is extraordinary. The curriculum is bigger, the needs being accommodated in every classroom are bigger, and there are less staff. There is a one size fits all mentality from the Dept of Education, and much less time available to do non academic activity. Lots and lots of children just don’t fit into it.

Why are there so many ND children? It really wasn’t the case years ago. Silicon Valley sets the benchmark here.

We are seeing lots of over diagnosis now being recognised. Universities have huge numbers needing extra time etc etc. Why has this happened? No one allowed to be anxious? Or even fail?

At work the EPs were skilled in recognising ND but I do not believe it’s anywhere near as widespread as we are led to believe now. The goalposts have moved. The same is being said for adult MH. So we do need to get back to recognising a temporary blip and helping appropriately but also being clear about how that differs from a serious issue. Then we might get targeted help where it’s most needed. Instead schools and services are overwhelmed.

It is weird to mention Silicon Valley and then refer to 'over-diagnoses'. A large collecting of more likely to be autistic adults who have families are more likely to have autistic children.

There's a similar pattern around GCHQ in England.

I didn’t mean over diagnosis in the clusters. I meant overall. This is being recognised now. So no, not weird. Separate concepts and not really linked.

@TizerorFizz What family support networks? No one much had them at my primary.

That may be true for you, but on the whole, 65 years ago there was more support for parents from the extended family.

I walked to school at 5 and other older dc crossed a road with me. We had to do these things.

I believe you. There is a lot more traffic on the roads now than 65 years ago. I used to walk to school alone from age 7 in the mid eighties. I wouldn't expect a child of that age growing up in the same house going to the same school to do that now.

I’m not sure primary schools have changed a great deal and not every secondary

This point has been addressed by @travellingtabbycat and I agree completely.

You really did expect your dc to go to school. I think maybe this runs in families if you didn’t want to go either?

I hated it, still went in every day, did very well academically but it was extremely stressful which had negative outcomes for me as a young adult. I do expect my DC to go to school and am lucky that they go to a school that accommodates their ASD/ADHD. Most of the time, with those accommodations they can access school and will gain their qualifications and benefit from the social side. I know that ASD runs in families since I have also been diagnosed and it makes a lot of sense.

We were definitely more resilient because we had to be.

What's your evidence for this? It's hard to quantify.

However I don't think the op really wants to work on this. It’s easier not to.

Ime, it was definitely not easier not to work on ways to support my DC. I don't read the OP as not wanting to work on this. She has engaged with the SENCO, is planning an EHCP assessment and is clearly distressed about her child's distress around attending school.

Parents can protect primary dc from social media and other influences if they don’t start on that slippery slope in the first place.

Agree 100%. When I mentioned social media, it was in response to how society has changed massively in tbe last 65 years.

Your child needs to go to school end of. This might mean finding a different school. I hated school. I wouldn't have gone given half a chance but that just wasn't an option.

No, not "end of". There is no requirement that children have to be in school, simply that they have to receive education.

When my dd was in year 1, her friend began refusing to go in. She would cling to the mum and beg to go home. She had a favourite TA so her mum had a quiet word and arranged for her child to go into class 10 minutes before the bell to help set up the classroom. It worked a treat and she only needed to do it for a few weeks. It broke the cycle of the bell ringing starting the anxiety.

I'm going to assume you get your information from the Daily Mail.

I can only speak for the UK, but getting an NHS diagnosis is incredibly difficult. Incredibly. If you haven't been through the process yourself, you have absolutely no idea.

Autism was previously split into diagnoses of Aspergers and autism. It later became collected together under a single umbrella term of ASD (or ASC).

The goalposts have NOT moved. There isn't an overdiagnosis.

Also, previous research and data about autism was based on autism in boys. Shall I tell you who wasn't diagnosed before? Girls. As always, girls were overlooked. The recent increase in diagnoses is because the different presentation in girls is now being recognised and research has been carried out into how autism looks in females.

There's a whole generation who were missed - mainly women but not exclusively.

I am autistic and ADHD, now diagnosed as an adult after both my DC were diagnosed. As part of the diagnostic process, we looked back through my school reports. Teacher after teacher commented about how "uptight" and "anxious" I was. Suggested yoga, and calming exercises. This was in the 1980s before it was common! I was put on sedatives as a 13 yr old girl. My classmates wouldn't have known.

My mum has cerebral palsy - she should have been in a mainstream school but she was stuffed away in a specialist provision, not allowed to study nor take exams. Thankfully the modern world is more accepting of disabilities and doesn't view them as a shameful secret.

People do fail all of the time but we now recognise that people with disabilities may need more time, or alternative support.

You're clearly happier with allowing people who need support to fail. I'm not. I'm happy for anyone who has a need for extra support to receive it.

Hopefully as you get older you don't develop any disabilities that prevent you from enjoying a full and active life because after all, why should anyone make accommodations for you? That's the mindset you're advocating for.

It sounds like the HT handled it brilliantly. Don't be putting all those labels on a 6yo.

OP - a linked thought to your DD - have a Google of HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and see if you think this could apply to your DD.

I’m 38, but as a child I went through phases (months at a time) of not wanting to go to school (despite not being bullied or finding the work difficult) and being unable to sleep. I never felt I understood or got to the bottom of why, nor did anyone else who tried to help.

I believe both myself and my son are HSPs. I’m not saying your DD is, but it’s one there is very little awareness of, and thought I should mention it just in case it is of any help, even to rule it out. Hope your DD is OK.

@JoeySchoolOfActing I think parents just didn’t stay at home educating dc. It simply didn’t happen. We have built up a very detailed diagnosis now to ensure “different” dc are labelled. We like labels and special status. Of course dc are justifiably diagnosed others it’s borderline. The school here took the dd into class. So is this Sen or a bout of anxiety that with correct help and guidance can be overcome?

As for reading the Daily Mail? Never. Far more distinguished medics are supporting the Wes Streeting view on this.

I worked with children who were experiencing EBSA. Our school pastoral team had staff who specialised as it is so common.

It can be a phase or it can become a huge problem. If it's possible to work on it now it would be beneficial for everyone.

Have school offered you any support Apart from reduced timetable? We offered a meet and greet in the morning with a trusted adult. Going in a bit earlier and doing transitional activities with a friend/other children. We had a school dog which helped lots of children.

We used resources like Risk and resilience cards to try and find out what the barriers are. You could probably download them yourself online.

Do your school use ELSA resources or have a trained ELSA staff member who can help.

I don't think the HT was necessarily wrong and it worked on this occasion. But they should be offering support as the HT can't be there every morning to get your dd into school.

Excellent well thought out suggestion🤣

@TizerorFizz I'm not saying parents did stay at home educating DC 65 years ago.

In the OP's case, I cannot say whether there is SEN, but if the SENCO is involved and an EHCP being sought, it's seems quite possible. It definitely sounds like her child is anxious, whether that is the result of an unmet SEN or something else, the correct help and guidance being put in place will likely help.

I posted in the first place to say I could see why the OP was upset about this:

she did not speak to me about what support they can offer to help she just said that we need to get you back into school to my child

The OP had an expectation that the meeting was to discuss a way forward with support for her child. This didn't happen.

As for reading the Daily Mail?

I did not mention the Daily Mail.

It’s not far off right though in many cases. I’m an ex primary teacher and I can assure you most schools’ main priorities are their SATs/gcse results, attendance figures and Ofsted ratings. (Caveat this with the huge huge huge pressure on them from our wonderful, intelligent, deep thinking politicians).

Children’s mental health comes far down the list.

Home education is a valid and very popular choice of education today. I home educate my children and wouldn’t go near a school again if you paid me millions.

I would feel thankful for their support. You shouldn’t have told your child she can have a day off for no reason, you are reinforcing her irrational fears and making her believe that school is too hard for her.

One of my four really struggled with attendance. What the headteacher has done to your daughter is not helpful. They need to be addressing what is causing the reluctance to attend school. The head taking her into class will have broken her trust.

I think you've explained this brilliantly.