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Original poster

Was my daughters head teacher out of order?

97 replies

Lilacbluewaters · 28/04/2025 00:49

I’ll have to cut a long story short but my child has struggled attending school since she started. She is now in year 1. Due to being ill a lot and when she is poorly it really gets her run down unlike others and also struggles with social&emotional wellbeing.
she has been very anxious and suffers with very severe sleep anxiety, especially if she knows she was going to school. She can be awake at 2am!
she struggles with low moods and it also affects her appetite. We have had some support from school mainly as I requested an ehcp assessment and the senco has been most helpful. They have put her in a reduced timetable for a week to ease her in but she still struggles.
after Easter holidays she was very distressed about going back and was begging me not to send her and so I said she can stay at home and I will contact the school. I was sent an email to come in for a meeting with the head teacher with no intentions of my child going into school. I got her up and ready for the meeting and as soon as we got into the head teachers office, she did not speak to me about what support they can offer to help she just said that we need to get you back into school to my child. She went on to ask her things about her brother, about what her night time routine looks like etc. and then said everyone misses her, shall we go into class? My daughter is quiet but said yes she would like to go to see her friends. She had no uniform, no drink or lunch, nothing.
I felt a bit numb from shock as I thought it was supposed to be a meeting to discuss things with me but it felt like a trap to just get my child into school. After school she was very distressed and couldn’t understand her own emotions, I told the school how disappointed I was and that I felt it was a trap and not a meeting. How would you feel?

OP posts:
Sandylittleknees · 28/04/2025 06:20

Sounds like she did the right thing! You couldn’t have her in the meeting, so going to see her friends was a good idea. I hope you told her how proud you were for doing it, as you understand that she found it hard. I hope you didn’t tell her that you thought it wasn’t fair of the teacher!!

1AngelicFruitCake · 28/04/2025 06:21

I imagine (rightly or wrongly) they imagine you’re the problem. My daughter was incredibly resistant but we consistently said she had to go.

LillyPJ · 28/04/2025 06:22

Happyinarcon · 28/04/2025 03:41

Pull her out. Your child is obviously distressed but too young to explain some of the low level toxicity she’s being exposed to. The schools don’t give a shit about your daughters mental health

Of course the school cares about the child. It sounds as if the parent is enabling the daughter to stay away rather than working with the school.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

General education Primary education
AmusedGoose · 28/04/2025 06:25

You are an enabler. She should go to school and will probably improve her attitude towards it if she goes regularly. She is 6. You are the adult and should act like it. I suspect you don't work and like having her home. If she is genuinely refusing to go to school you MUST start officially home schooling.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2025 06:29

ArtemisiaTheArtist · 28/04/2025 04:44

I do think that school has a "one size fits all" approach which only fits the majority. School can't be tailored to your child's specific needs, there just isn't the support there. It is really bad at helping kids that are outside the norm! Obviously you can't say that keeping her home without an education is an option. So either find a way for your child to fit in, or homeschool her. All that HT cares about is bums on seats. This is based on my experience, having a child almost finish 12 years of school.

Agreed. We withdrew my eldest child at around this age as school did not work for her at that point, it was horrible to see. She was HE for years 1 through 3 and went back in year 4 under her own steam.

You're in or you're out though, you can't just keep her off school for prolonged periods without making moves to get this sorted.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 28/04/2025 06:32

I should add, she has not since been diagnosed with any neurodiversity I suspect she is mildly on the spectrum of ASD and ADHD, especially as I have the latter. She's now in year 10 and flying in all aspects of her life.

ThatFlyIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/04/2025 06:52

If you can get on a course for parenting kids with anxiety you might find it helpful. The one I did was Fear Less Triple P and it was amazing. Couldn’t recommend it highly enough.

FindAnother · 28/04/2025 06:58

Let’s blame someone else! ( the headteacher - who after all is doing her job)

Time to look at your job - how you parent and enable your daughter to choose whether to go to school or not.

CaptainMyCaptain · 28/04/2025 07:15

TeenLifeMum · 28/04/2025 03:10

Why did you turn up not expecting you dc to go to school that day? You’re enabling it and suggesting there’s an option. It’s a legal requirement and you need to get to the bottom of what’s underlying it rather than seeing her up to fail. Head did her job and got dc in.

Agreed.

arcticpandas · 28/04/2025 07:16

I do think that you have to be firm (atleast try this for a couple of months) and say that she has to go to school, it's nit open for discussion. If I had given into my children's anxieties they wouldn't have gone to school at all. DS2 cried everyday the first week in secondary school (changing schools, highly sensitive). We worked with the school who let him go to pastoral/other when it was getting too much. I explained to him that nothing will get better by me picking you up. You're at a good school and the only way to combat your anxiety is to work through it with the support of school staff.

He's now very happy and settled in with friends. This has taught him resilience : you just have to hang in there even when it's scary and you're overwhelmed. Noone teased him for crying and this is year 7 so he's in a very nice class as well which helped (private school).

Zonder · 28/04/2025 07:22

School anxiety is really hard to deal with. Does your daughter see any of her classmates outside of school?

TizerorFizz · 28/04/2025 07:34

Interesting the child went into class with the head. Stayed all day? Then cried when mum appeared. Was happy to go and see her friends. The school thought this was a mum issue and child is just manipulating mum. Maybe head could take dd into class every day?

Nominative · 28/04/2025 07:42

RedHelenB · 28/04/2025 03:03

You either need to home educate your dc or tell them they have to go to school.as it's rhe law. Work with the school to see what accommodations they can male to make your dcs life easier. I think the head did what she felt was the most constructive thing, letting ypyr dc call all the shots isn't working.

Those are not the only alternatives. OP's child does not have to go in if too unwell to do so, and that includes mental illness including severe anxiety. If the problem persists, it will be the local authority's duty to provide education at home or in an alternative venue.

DaisyChain505 · 28/04/2025 07:51

No the headteacher was not out of order.

The only way your daughter will get used to being back at school is by being back at school.

The longer you keep her off and let her stay home the harder it’s going to be.

It must be hard seeing her upset by you have to be stronger and get her to school. Even if it’s half an hour later in the morning, just do it.

Set up sticker charts for her getting ready in the mornings ready for school and then add another sticker at the end of the day when she’s home. Once she has X amount of stickers give her a reward.

Get her to the GP if you feel something deeper is going on and continue to push for help at school too.

scotstars · 28/04/2025 07:57

The more she stays home the harder it will be to get her into routine and understanding she needs to go to school when you are telling her it's fine to stay home. Is she completing work out of school?
Most of the kids i know weren't thrilled about going back to school last week lots saying didn't want to etc but we all sent them and this week it's a bit easier as they are back in the routine.

Geneticsbunny · 28/04/2025 07:59

What has she been ill with? If she is a cautious child then being off ill a lot will make going back to school really hard for her.
its very hard because school may not work for her but it sounds like you have already given up.
How was reception? Did she enjoy that?

PhilippaGeorgiou · 28/04/2025 07:59

urghhh47 · 28/04/2025 04:29

Look up Naomi fisher - she's a clinical phycologist who works in this field. And just to say pps are wrong about the enabling - thats not how it works. They are right that school does not work for all children. Also look at the group "not fine in school". They are a wealth of information and advice in this area.

No, school doesn't work for everyone. But education does. The OP is enabling her daughter to not have an education, Unless, or until, the OP makes alternative provision for her child's education, the school have a legal responsibility to get her child into school - as does the OP. At this age, education is not an option.

JoeySchoolOfActing · 28/04/2025 08:00

So many depressingly ignorant and judgemental comments on this thread.

@Lilacbluewaters I can see why you and your daughter felt this was a trap to get her into school and ultimately her attendance recorded.

It is good the SENCO listened and that you are thinking of EHCP assessment.

I hope that you can access further support through the SENCO and CAMHS, or privately if that is an option available to you.

From another parent who has supported 2 children through many difficulties attending school since primary but who are now in 6th form. It is still not easy, but with lots of input from us, the school and therapists (both diagnosed ASD/ADHD as teenagers) they are both nearly finished with compulsory education and are coming out just about in one piece on the other side.

Definitely look up Eliza Fricker and Dr Naomi Fisher.

Good luck.

lavenderlou · 28/04/2025 08:03

TizerorFizz · 28/04/2025 07:34

Interesting the child went into class with the head. Stayed all day? Then cried when mum appeared. Was happy to go and see her friends. The school thought this was a mum issue and child is just manipulating mum. Maybe head could take dd into class every day?

This is not uncommon. Children will contain themselves in front of others and then release their emotions when they feel safe.

Nominative · 28/04/2025 08:07

PhilippaGeorgiou · 28/04/2025 07:59

No, school doesn't work for everyone. But education does. The OP is enabling her daughter to not have an education, Unless, or until, the OP makes alternative provision for her child's education, the school have a legal responsibility to get her child into school - as does the OP. At this age, education is not an option.

Show quote history

If a child is unable to get into school due to illness, including mental illness, it is the local authority's responsibility to arrange education.

TizerorFizz · 28/04/2025 08:10

@lavenderlou Yes but head got dd into class. Of course dd let her feelings out to parent. She gets what she wants that way. So repeating the visit to the head could work. Any port in a storm. I’ve seen teachers greet dc like this in a friendly and encouraging way so dc feel confident to leave mum. Yes, they might well find it hard afterwards but eventually they go in, make friends and learn.

Nominative · 28/04/2025 08:10

TizerorFizz · 28/04/2025 07:34

Interesting the child went into class with the head. Stayed all day? Then cried when mum appeared. Was happy to go and see her friends. The school thought this was a mum issue and child is just manipulating mum. Maybe head could take dd into class every day?

Unfortunately schools tend to jump to this sort of conclusion far too often. When the school is already acknowledging that a child has learning difficulties, as is the case here, they should be aware of the very well-known phenomenon of masking. It's entirely typical for, in particular, neurodiverse children to be able with a great effort to hold things together in school only for all the stresses that build up during the day to come out once the child is with a safe person. It is far too facile to assume this is the child manipulating anyone.

travellingtabbycat · 28/04/2025 08:29

it wasn’t a trap. I imagine the HT was surprised you took your child to that meeting, and used the opportunity to chat to them. They should have talked to you too.
my dc has trouble going to school although it started at high school, so you have my sympathy, but my advice is not to make the school the enemy. They are likely to be trying to help, especially based on what you said about supportive senco. Naomi fisher is great, loads of resources.

TizerorFizz · 28/04/2025 09:10

@Nominative So we have an epidemic of school refusers. No child has to do what they don’t want to do. Apparently. We actually need to get over this far too deep analysis of very young children. So what if they masked their feelings for a few hours ? It’s what many dc do at various times. It’s maturing and accepting what’s required. That life isn’t 100% on your terms. Why have we got into this state? The odd child had a wobbly in YR when I went to school but no parent said dc didn’t have to go into school. No child left for home schooling. Why now? We just accept it as normal to walk away. Far better to work with the school.

noblegiraffe · 28/04/2025 09:14

ol. I was sent an email to come in for a meeting with the head teacher with no intentions of my child going into school

Why did you bring her into school then?

The default is that she is in school. If you’ve managed to get her into school the default is that she goes to class. It’s not out of order for a headteacher to send a child who is in school into class.

You seem to think that you could bring her into school and then take her home again - your default was that she should not be in school.

Getting over the psychological barrier that built up in the holidays around actually going into school has happened. Instead of seeing it as a negative (headteacher shouldn’t have done that) see it as a positive to build on ‘you went into school and lessons and it was ok! Let’s do it again tomorrow’