Was my daughters head teacher out of order?

[Lilacbluewaters]

I’ll have to cut a long story short but my child has struggled attending school since she started. She is now in year 1. Due to being ill a lot and when she is poorly it really gets her run down unlike others and also struggles with social&emotional wellbeing.
she has been very anxious and suffers with very severe sleep anxiety, especially if she knows she was going to school. She can be awake at 2am!
she struggles with low moods and it also affects her appetite. We have had some support from school mainly as I requested an ehcp assessment and the senco has been most helpful. They have put her in a reduced timetable for a week to ease her in but she still struggles.
after Easter holidays she was very distressed about going back and was begging me not to send her and so I said she can stay at home and I will contact the school. I was sent an email to come in for a meeting with the head teacher with no intentions of my child going into school. I got her up and ready for the meeting and as soon as we got into the head teachers office, she did not speak to me about what support they can offer to help she just said that we need to get you back into school to my child. She went on to ask her things about her brother, about what her night time routine looks like etc. and then said everyone misses her, shall we go into class? My daughter is quiet but said yes she would like to go to see her friends. She had no uniform, no drink or lunch, nothing.
I felt a bit numb from shock as I thought it was supposed to be a meeting to discuss things with me but it felt like a trap to just get my child into school. After school she was very distressed and couldn’t understand her own emotions, I told the school how disappointed I was and that I felt it was a trap and not a meeting. How would you feel?

Would just like you know from those that suggest Home Schooling this child ? What if this isn't an option? What if mum is on her own and has to work ?

I work in a school and we always take mental health seriously but l hate to say it, but some people (not all) use it as an excuse to avoid work etc and a child in Year 1 is quite young to have mental health issues don't you think? Unless of course they have been through trauma. Neurodiversity is a whole other ball game so maybe OP needs to consider looking into that.

Valid question. My friend’s SIL home educates her child in Year 1 around her job, her partner recently left her, but she has continued to make it work alone. I didn’t actually realise people do this until recently. She also manages drop offs/pick ups for her younger child, who attends mainstream.

Thanks for your response. Must be tough.

I'm self-employed and work full-time. I home-educate my two SEN children and I care for my DM with cerebral palsy who lives in our annexe.

I work at night, early mornings etc, around what my DC and mum needs.

In our area - like many others - there's a desperate shortage of SEN places. I think something like 10 children per available space. So there's a large number of children who aren't in school because there's just no available placement. Those families have to home educate because mainstream schools won't take those children as they can't meet their needs.

In many cases home educating causes financial difficulties. No one said it was an easy option, but sometimes there's literally no other choice.

Obviously that's not the reason for every child who's home-educated but you will find there's a significant chunk who have SEN and this is partly why.

This 👆.

We're too quick to attach a label for everything.

We're not teaching children resilience. We're letting them rule the roost. We're deciding they're anxious and telling them that school is optional. Parent your child. You're not their friend. So they're a bit upset about going to school. They'll get over it (and often they do, just as soon as soft-touch mum is out of sight, they settle down and have a really nice day.)Tell them it's not optional. We all have to do things we don't want to do, and we have to suck it up. It's life. You're their biggest influence when they are young and impressionable. Do you want them to grow up and be a wet wipe who can't handle a job? Or do you want the best for them - to grow into a mature, responsible, successful human being?

People need to stop making excuses and get a grip!

"Going quietly doesn't necessarily indicate they were happy"

Sometimes children just need to do as they are told, whether they are happy about it or not.

You've said here exactly what l am thinking!

Schools want a ECHPs as they attract money. It’s in their interests to say dc have unmet needs.

Once the op arrived in school with DD in tow what was the head going to think?Fit for school. We do keep labelling dc and it’s very early. Most parents know by y1 if dc is ND. School anxiety is often overcome with maturity and guidance. Op got some guidance for DD - into the classroom. A bit overwhelmed afterwards but practice makes perfect.

And yet we have story after story here on MN about schools who have refused to support an EHCP application? If schools were just invested in their own interests, they'd be supporting every EHCP application but that's clearly not the case.

My DD was diagnosed as autistic when she was 10 years old. Speech and language therapy assessed her receptive language skills as below that of a 6 yr old. The school missed it entirely - and she was at a school rated Outstanding by OFTSED. Her twin brother was diagnosed at age 4.

As I said earlier, girls get missed because research and knowledge is based on presentation in boys. Neurodivergence in girls often presents outwardly as anxiety.

Some school anxiety can be overcome. Not all.

Also, the reason that we "label" children early is that research shows early diagnosis and prompt interventions can improve outcomes. Children who are left without diagnosis and support for years typically struggle more later on.

We don't know OP's DD. Maybe she just needed support overcoming barriers to get into the classroom but it sounds as if there's more going on than that. The school have already put her on a reduced timetable and the SENCO in involved. The little girl was also distressed after school. All the signs point to a child who's struggling. Being quiet and compliant isn't necessarily a sign that all is OK.

Pushing through difficult times can sometimes be important. At other times it can cause irreparable damage. Understanding which is which is vital.

@SpidersAreShitheads Schools do support applications when it’s obvious dc need help and definitely support special school places. Individual accounts about schools are not the full picture. It’s overwhelming schools and their funds don’t match need. Or perceived need identified by parents.

I agree with all of that.

But in your previous comment you suggested that schools want EHCPS as it gets them more money and that's simply not true - which was my point.

Plenty of schools don't support EHCPs even when they're clearly needed, usually due to a lack of understanding of SEN and how it presents. In other cases, EHCP applications are unreasonably refused by LAs because they're on a money-saving exercise. We all know that LAs try not to grant EHCPs because they simply don't have the funds.

The education system is overwhelmed, completely agree. Underfunding is a big part of the issue. But the insistence of putting SEN kids in mainstream when they very clearly need a different approach has caused huge problems too. Anxiety within the kids in a setting they can't cope with, frustration for the other kids, and difficulties for the teachers trying to manage it all.

My DD is a good example. She absolutely doesn't need a full special school. But she has difficulties with receptive language and verbal learning, in addition to her autism. My county used to have halfway schools at secondary level which supported pupils like my DD, enabling them to access the parts of education that were possible, and providing lower-level learning where needed.

All of those schools were closed and kids forced into mainstream - it's been a disaster all round but the government refuses to acknowledge any of this.

Our education system is a total mess.

OR school is what is making this child anxious (like so many others).

Maybe all these children who are unable to cope with school today (I say today as school is not like it was when most of us were growing up, it’s a highly pressured, highly academic, exam obsessed, toxic hell hole) are anxious for a reason!

Maybe the problem isn’t the kids. Maybe the problem is the system today.

No she wasn’t out of order. You were for taking your 6 yr old to a meeting about her needs

school is not like it was when most of us were growing up, it’s a highly pressured, highly academic, exam obsessed, toxic hell hole

Gotta say, school is bloody lovely today. I was at school in the 80s where you got slippered, board rubbers lobbed at you, teachers were scary, kids were feral, no one had 1:1s for SEN, the only SEN that was really recognised was at a level that put someone in the 'remedial' class, which was a different circle of hell. My experience of my kids schools, primary and secondary, have been a different world and loads better. Course not all schools are great and there'll always be issues wherever staff have to manage big mixes of abilities and temperaments, but to call them toxic hell holes compared to some halcyon past is crackers. Schools have never been so aware of kids' anxieties and needs and mostly do their best to respond to them within the very overstretched capacity they have. And I very much doubt the OP's Y1 class is a highly pressurised, highly academic, exam obsessed, toxic hell hole. Most primaries are pretty nice by their nature, especially in KS1. That doesn't mean all DC will enjoy school, some just won't cope so well with being around 29 other kids anywhere, but you don't do the anxiety angle any favours with the hyperbole about the 'system today'.

Absolutely.

I work with schools who are fantastic. Meeting and greeting individuals, activities before lessons, even getting children dressed.

What has changed? Surely human development hasn't changed so much in 20 years.
The vast majority of primary schools are amazing places.

Attitudes have changed, softly, softly approach, perceived pressure on children, some excuses around SEND for poor parenting ( some, yes proportionately there will always be a number of children with SEND).

I despair at some of the children of today living as adults.

@pinkdelight

I’m glad to hear your children have had a good experience but as an ex primary school teacher I can tell you the pressure on the children from the very start today is high.

Since Gove came along in 2014 and messed with the curriculum to make it heavily academic and knowledge-based with a heavy emphasis on testing and assessment, it is very pressured. Some schools of course take it to the extreme and some don’t.

When I say ‘school today’ I am taking about the curriculum and the exam focus not the pastoral care/treatment.

Obviously your daughter needs care and support. But I do wonder if the HT was trying a ‘let’s normalise trying school, we miss you, let’s see your friends’ - which is a fair and reasonable approach.

Your title seems to be about picking a fight with the teacher, vs figuring out how to get your child comfortable engaging with and returning school.

My cousin’s DD refused to attend school and she agreed with the teachers that they would both actually stop asking if she was ok (in a fussing way) as that was making her worse.. Of course they would quietly observe all was ok and support her with quiet time etc if needed.

You need to get dd into school. The teachers need to make sure she has positive experiences there. You don’t present home as an option. Make sure you have work so you can explain that dd goes to school, you go to work, that’s how things are. Then you meet again and enjoy your home time together.

Stop allowing her to stay at home!

Accidentally quoted 🙄

If you had no intentions of your child going into school that day I think you need to home educate, it sounds like this will be easier for all those involved.

I don’t think OP will take on board any comments that don’t echo her view her daughter can stay at home, tbh. But I’ll give another view. My son at same age had a good friend who kept being absent. It affected their friendship because it became very on-off at school, but also because playdates would be cancelled at the last minute (literally when we were already about to go), and it did affect my son’s ability to trust his friends, for a while. OP is doing her daughter no favours by allowing her to do this. Home schooling is a brilliant choice for many kids - school is not the best for all - but you need to commit to one or other and this flip-flooping is self-indulgent poor parenting imho.