Three illegal things.. lighthearted version

[Acc0untant]

Someone else currently has a thread running about what 3 things you'd make illegal if you could. Love the idea for that thread but can see some of the responses are/will get heated so thought I'd do the same but a lighthearted version. Nothing too serious.. nothing bashing benefits, disabilities etc all that stuff. Keep it friendly. For me it would be:

1. Fruit in chocolate. I don't want raisins or cherries or whatever else they want to put in my chocolate, just give me regular chocolate (nuts are acceptable).
2. Not saying thank you when someone lets you out in traffic, send them straight to jail.
3. Those men's shorts that are made out of the same material as joggers. Nobody looks good in those.

1 People who stop at the top of escalators or just through doors. Where do they think the people behind them will go?
2 Perfume departments that are larger than the distance the average person can walk while holding their breath.
3 Burgers that are as tall as a human face. There is no way to eat them without deconstructing them, at which point you have a warm salad and a brioche.

I'm happy for my chocolate to contain small pieces of cherry or raspberry but I would make nuts in chocolate a capital offense. What's the point of having a hard lump of flavourlessness in your chocolate?

All kinds of facial makeup and cosmetic surgery to be illegal. Show your real face, not a fake one. Your fake face is a lie.

Also, all kinds of sleight-of-hand magician tricks. This is also basically lying.

people on those disability scooter things that drive them like they are on a killing mission. they bomb along the pavements and you have to jump out the way or you get run down!
crocs and socks why the hell would you want to wear crocs anyway let alone with socks
new improved anything its always worse

Raw onion in salads
Speakerphone calls anywhere other than at home
Using the word 'furbaby'

The modern disease of flavours in everything. It ruins much loved foods and recipes.

Hotcross buns have been my lifelong favourite Easter treat.

But now it's

Caramel and seasalt
Tiramisu
Lemon curd
St Clements
Cappuchino

Leave my HCBs alone!

Leaving the designer tag on the sleeve of a suit.

Leaving the loosely stitched X on the vent of a jacket or coat.

Off of - no, you got off the train, not off of.

@MummytoE also people who blow their noses and then do a massive sniff anyway.

Agree with whoever mentioned the overuse of myself/yourself etc. when I, me, my or you is perfectly fine.

1. DRAWS. NO THEY ARE FUCKING DRAWERS! Yes I am shouting

Can I have that for all 3 please

Oh actually nuts in sweet foods can be the third. Nuts are savoury, with the possible exception of almonds.

St Clements is OK - citrus zest is traditional for HCBs. I wonder if the problem is that the traditional recipe isn't always done well? If the results aren't very nice that may make some people think they need jazzing up.

Celery
Ugly toes
Fake lashes

@MoistVonL 9kg? Wow, and I thought my cat nudging 7kg was huge.

1. Making me go out and do stuff when I'm clearly ready to relax with chocolate and not speak to people
2. Noisy chewing (dh this means you)
3. Fried eggs that haven't been flipped so the white is still snotty.

I don't give a flying fig about grammar though - spell how you like, speak how you like, as long as I understand you it's all fine.

Ballet pumps - not real footwear
Thongs - basically bum floss
Instant coffee - why would you drink this? It’s not real coffee (yes - I’m a coffee snob)

It’s hard to choose but,
pre-made sandwiches
leggings, cycling shorts and those unitard things
that celebration football teams and their fans do where they jump on the spot either with their arms round each other or move their arms up and down

Offering unsolicited parenting advice

crossing the road when the man is still red (even if the traffic light is in red)

I’m just quoting this in the hope that more people see it

Students who hand draw diagrams with a manky old biro instead of using a ruler and pencil. Might as well write at the top of their papers "I don't take this course terribly seriously."

On telly when they say this [sofa] is three nine nine. Can I hand over 399 buttons? Nope, didn't think so.

Rhubarb.

Reported. Cheese and onion crisps are amazing.

Dogs.

Venues that ban water bottles

Booking fees

1. Listening to music without headphones in public places
2. Spitting
3. Pushing in to a queue

IMO life would be 82% less annoying if these things were arrestable offences.

You reminded me of another pet peeve of mine that I would make illegal. When restaurants don't put £ signs on the menu. Hate it!!

I'm afraid the first two are down to people not knowing you should remove these.

People who say ‘what’ instead of pardon. Yes, kids I’m talking about YOU!

You say you want this thread to be lighthearted and in the next sentence propose making my beloved Fruit and Nut illegal?!! What are you playing at?!

Putting my offence to one side, i propose banning:

1. drivers who don’t understand how a filter works. They should have their licenses revoked/
2. people who order chips in a Chinese or Indian restaurant.
3. polyester - it’s so sweaty!

Monologues by people who have no idea how boring they are. Jail time for repeat offenders. See how you get on in there.
People who say 'bless' in any context unrelated to religion or sneezing.
Sweet seasoning on crisps. Lime and that sort of thing. Unconscionable.